Do you ever feel a deep seated feeling of anticipation that something is about to happen? Does the air around you feel electrically charged, like the gears of fate are grinding, causing friction and moving you into the next season of your life? I do. I feel that right now. So much has been happening in my spirit in the last year, since the birth of my second daughter. Something inside of me is stirring, moving and absolutely itching for change. There are very few times in my life when I have felt like this, and each time I was on the precipice of something totally life changing; meeting my husband, having my kids, getting my first job.
You have to understand something about me. As I have mentioned before, I am a planner through and through. I choose a direction, and I do not deviate from that path. Since I was 16 and had to strike out on my own, I have had a life path chosen. I never once entertained the thought that I might do something else. I didn't give myself a list of options and then go for the most practical or appealing one. I chose one thing to do, and I did it. That was 13 years ago, and it has just been in the past year that I have come to the realization that I don't really have to be this way. I am allowed to broaden my horizons. I have given myself permission to do so, and believe me, that is a leap!
This all started when I chose not to go back to teaching and stay home with my kids. I began by feeling a little bit stuck, and while I love being with my girls all the time, I felt a sadness at the loss of my career...even though I chose to leave it. The thing that kept going through my mind was that I had worked so incredibly hard to gain my career, and now, after only teaching a few years, I was throwing it away. On the flip side, I had such a negative experience my first year teaching, I wasn't sure I wanted this career any more, or at least not until I was in a better place emotionally. Taking a few years to raise my kids seemed like the best option. And I don't regret it for one minute. I still felt like I had wasted five years in university getting my degrees, and I still wanted to use it for something. Running a day home isn't exactly the same thing.
So after I grieved the loss of a life I had pictured for myself for so long, I realized that this didn't have to be the end. I could still use my skills. I could still have something to strive for (besides raising fantastic kids). So I started to write. This isn't news to anyone who has been following my blog. But as I wrote in the entry about the snowball effect, one thing tends to lead to another. It just gets bigger and bigger. That's why I am anticipating something huge in my life. Finally, after being so narrow minded about my life path for so long, I am able to look beyond the little box I have created for myself and see something completely new.
The other night I hatched a plan, as I am wont to do. But this plan has me super excited! If I can make it work, and I see absolutely no reason why I can't, then I can stay at home with my kids, continue with my day home, and use both of my university degrees. Here's the kicker. I can do something I am absolutely passionate about! Can you feel the electricity?
So what, you ask, is this new direction? Well, I have an elaborate plan, and my favorite thing about it is that it isn't unattainable and it could be huge! It's something I can put into action right now, and in fact, I already have. What I plan to do is teach creative writing. Hmmm, sounds pretty close to my original career plan, right? Well, it's not. What I want to do is to start out by putting on writing workshops for kids who want to hone their craft. They will be extra curricular, and just for kids who want to be writers. That's where it starts. I want to do the first one during the second semester of the school year, and set myself up to do a few more next summer. Eventually, I will be able to develop a self-contained course and original resource that can be taken and taught by anyone. That's where it starts to get big. By February of 2012, I want to present a workshop at the local teacher's convention and have a booth set up to sell my resource. I want to get other educators excited about teaching writing, and show them how to implement my program in their own classrooms, or as an extra curricular at their school. But that's just the beginning. I want to take my plan and go around to schools and school divisions and give professional development workshops for teachers and school staff to help them get excited about teaching writing too. I want to create my own resource to publish and sell and bring other teachers on board who either want a change in their careers or can't find a job in this difficult economy...or who just want in!
All of this is just the jist of the plan, which I am still in the process or formulating. My main focus right now is the workshops for kids and figuring out the logistics of that venture. If I had known that this is what would happen when I open myself up to all the incredible possibilities afforded to us in this country, I may have been a little more open in the past. The air around me is thick with the anticipation and I'm so excited at the prospect of a new direction in my professional life. I am so incredibly passionate about writing, and it has taken having the time to actually do it again to get me there. When I was teaching I only had time for planning, marking, and sleeping. Now, even though my life is busy, I actually have a chance to sit down for a few minutes every day and write. It had to all be stripped away for me to even see that there could be other possibilities. Isn't that often the way? Lose to gain? Well, I'm glad.
Is there some possibility in your life you need to open up to? Are you really where you want to be? I know that I'm getting there, and I hope my grand plans can inspire some of you to make a change if you really need one. So, what are you waiting for?
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Daddy Left You Again
The title of this post is causing me so much anguish. I have been watching a program called "Teen Mom" and highlighted in this episode was something that actually made wrenched my heart and made me physically sick. Obviously, as shown in the title of the show, these moms are young. They may not have all the tools it takes to have healthy relationships and be parents, but the fact of the matter is that they are parents. Once a child enters the picture, the parents do not come first. They don't come second, sometimes not even third. The main priority in a parent's life is to care for their children and give them the best upbringing they possibly can. That means that if you don't have the tools to be a parent, you better darn well get them, in my opinion.
One girl on the show had a blow up with her boyfriend, with whom she had had several ups and downs; break ups and make ups. This blow up, as usual, happened in front of the little toddler, and it ended with the mom saying to her daughter, "Daddy left you again." The baby screamed for the remainder of the shots including this mom. Not only does she initiate fights in front of her child, but she cusses in front of her, and then tells her that her father is leaving her. I'm not sorry to say that this woman needs a serious reality check.
What we sometimes forget is that little ears are always listening. It doesn't matter how young they are, or whether they can talk or not, they know whether you are saying something good or bad. Newborns can sense a soothing tone or an angry one, and they respond accordingly. Toddlers mimic whatever they see, and if you yell and scream, so do they. My own daughters show me this every day of my life. My five year old is constantly saying things I have said to her - to her baby sister, to her friends, to her dolls, and even back to me. I have to watch what I say. My baby girl mimics her sister constantly. Lately, her thing is to growl at everyone and scream - something my five year old taught her.
The things we tell kids, especially the negative, will always stick with them. If you tell a child over and over again that her daddy left her again, she will grow up believing that she was the cause of her father and mother's lack of relationship! Do we really want our kids to internalize these things? I am so appalled at these kinds of behaviors that my blood is just boiling. Watching this little toddler scream and cry out for attention, comfort and her father absolutely broke my heart. My husband said he just wanted to go upstairs and hug our girls. I wanted to find that little girl and just love her. It takes so many more times saying positive and affirming things to people to blot out the negative, that when we say things that are hurtful to our children, we have to work ten times harder to counteract it. The negativity festers, and if you tell a child things like, "It's not good enough," or "You're being stupid," they will absolutely believe you.
I just needed to vent a little about this issue. I know I am not a perfect parent, and I have made my mistakes in parenting my kids, but through the process I have grown and learned, and strive to continue to do so. I want so much to be someone my kids can look up to; someone who supports and loves them and brings out the best in them. I just wish all parents had the tools necessary to put their children first. I guess that is one reason why teens should not be having children themselves - they are ill equipped for the most part. Heck, I was 23 when my 5 year old was born, and it was no picnic for me! The learning curve was mind blowing. But dear Lord, let the words, "Daddy left you again," never depart from my lips, or anything else like it!
One girl on the show had a blow up with her boyfriend, with whom she had had several ups and downs; break ups and make ups. This blow up, as usual, happened in front of the little toddler, and it ended with the mom saying to her daughter, "Daddy left you again." The baby screamed for the remainder of the shots including this mom. Not only does she initiate fights in front of her child, but she cusses in front of her, and then tells her that her father is leaving her. I'm not sorry to say that this woman needs a serious reality check.
What we sometimes forget is that little ears are always listening. It doesn't matter how young they are, or whether they can talk or not, they know whether you are saying something good or bad. Newborns can sense a soothing tone or an angry one, and they respond accordingly. Toddlers mimic whatever they see, and if you yell and scream, so do they. My own daughters show me this every day of my life. My five year old is constantly saying things I have said to her - to her baby sister, to her friends, to her dolls, and even back to me. I have to watch what I say. My baby girl mimics her sister constantly. Lately, her thing is to growl at everyone and scream - something my five year old taught her.
The things we tell kids, especially the negative, will always stick with them. If you tell a child over and over again that her daddy left her again, she will grow up believing that she was the cause of her father and mother's lack of relationship! Do we really want our kids to internalize these things? I am so appalled at these kinds of behaviors that my blood is just boiling. Watching this little toddler scream and cry out for attention, comfort and her father absolutely broke my heart. My husband said he just wanted to go upstairs and hug our girls. I wanted to find that little girl and just love her. It takes so many more times saying positive and affirming things to people to blot out the negative, that when we say things that are hurtful to our children, we have to work ten times harder to counteract it. The negativity festers, and if you tell a child things like, "It's not good enough," or "You're being stupid," they will absolutely believe you.
I just needed to vent a little about this issue. I know I am not a perfect parent, and I have made my mistakes in parenting my kids, but through the process I have grown and learned, and strive to continue to do so. I want so much to be someone my kids can look up to; someone who supports and loves them and brings out the best in them. I just wish all parents had the tools necessary to put their children first. I guess that is one reason why teens should not be having children themselves - they are ill equipped for the most part. Heck, I was 23 when my 5 year old was born, and it was no picnic for me! The learning curve was mind blowing. But dear Lord, let the words, "Daddy left you again," never depart from my lips, or anything else like it!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Lofty Goals...
I turned 29 last May, and all of a sudden, all the hopes and dreams I ever had came cascading into my mind. I have always wanted a lot out of life. I have always thought that if I didn't hope for lots, I would get very little. What I didn't know was that many of my hopes and dreams wouldn't pan out as planned, but that I would have so much more than I ever thought I would. I still have hopes and dreams though, and today, I have expanded them a little.
I have written extensively about my love of writing, singing and generally artistic type stuff. I have written about teaching, and my career and my kids. I have written a little about my weight loss goals, and the stumbles along the way. Well, my new hopes and dreams veer off in a completely different direction; one that is incredibly foreign to me.
I was at the gym this evening, and I wanted to pick up a schedule for some of the classes, thinking I'd start going to Yoga once a week. Instead of picking up a schedule, I picked up a guide that highlights all the programs they have at my gym. I started to read it, and it really made me think. There are some things in the guide I think I want to try!
One of them is bellydancing. I am not a very coordinated person, but in my younger years, I enjoyed dancing as much as the next person. I can't say I was ever very good at it though. I think that as I am coming into the next decade of my life, it would be wonderful to do something for myself that can remind me of how beautiful and sensual a woman's body can be - even if it has had two children and has lots of curves. Bellydancers are supposed to be curvy, right? Well, I fit the bill then. It might be a fantastic way to build confidence and pride in the body God gave me. The only problem is that it doesn't jive with my schedule at the moment, so we will put that one on the backburner for now, but not out of my mind!
The next thing I saw in the guide was triathlon training. Yes, I just said triathlon. Running, swimming and biking. Triathlon. Oh dear, what has my imagination gotten me into here? I think that by the time I am 35, I should do a triathlon. I am not a very good runner. I can't seem to find a good rhythm, I always feel like I'm going to fall over, and I can't breathe when I run. Is this realistic? Well, I ran for 6 minutes today on the treadmill, and I didn't want to pass out. That's kind of good, right? Maybe in five and a half years, I will be able to run much farther. Swimming - now there's something I like. I used to swim lengths in university, but I am not very fast or very strong. I also tend to want to hyperventilate and I hate it when water goes up my nose. AND, I am afraid of water. I am telling the truth though, I actually like swimming. Then there is biking. I can ride a bike, but not very fast and not very well. I rode 40 km this past summer, and I almost died. I made it, but I walked the hills and I was the last one in at the finish. I think in five and a half years, I could ride a little better. Maybe I should buy a bike?
So, I am beginning to take my narrow minded life plan and branch out a bit. That's a scary thing for me! I am a planner, through and through. When I was in high school, I wanted to be a teacher. Check on the degree, not so much on the actual career. It's on hold. When I moved to the city I live in now for university, I decided I was going to find a husband. Well, I did that, and it worked out wonderfully. The moment I set foot here I began to look. It took me just over a year. I met my hubby when I was nineteen and married him at twenty two. Good for me, that part of my plan worked out. Then I wanted to be married for five years, build my career, and then have kids. That one has turned out to be a little backwards. Oh well, cest la vie.
My list of things I wanted to do in my life is incomplete, and now I am adding more ambitions. I wonder how much stress this will add to my life? I already stress about the fact that I am almost thirty and have not been able to establish myself in a school district. I put a lot of time and energy into writing, trying to take my career in a different direction, or at least add to it. Now I want to bellydance and do a triathlon. Oh dear, what have I gotten myself into?
All I know is that I can't live life without goals. I need them to motivate me and spur me on to move my butt. If I don't have them, my life will easily get soaked up by my domestic duties, supplemented by bad daytime television. So, yeah, I have some lofty goals. That's okay. I need them, and it's kind of fun to branch out a little and take on something completely different. Here goes nothing!
Here are some of my current lifetime goals: (If you don't put them out there, who will hold you accountable?)
1) Finish and publish at least one novel
2) Become a freelance writer and editor
3) Go back to teaching
4) Get my master's and PhD and teach English at a university
5) Sing in a band
6) Own a coffee shop and import and roast my own beans
7) Travel SOMEWHERE
8) Compete in a Triathlon
9) Take bellydancing
Lofty Goals...
I have written extensively about my love of writing, singing and generally artistic type stuff. I have written about teaching, and my career and my kids. I have written a little about my weight loss goals, and the stumbles along the way. Well, my new hopes and dreams veer off in a completely different direction; one that is incredibly foreign to me.
I was at the gym this evening, and I wanted to pick up a schedule for some of the classes, thinking I'd start going to Yoga once a week. Instead of picking up a schedule, I picked up a guide that highlights all the programs they have at my gym. I started to read it, and it really made me think. There are some things in the guide I think I want to try!
One of them is bellydancing. I am not a very coordinated person, but in my younger years, I enjoyed dancing as much as the next person. I can't say I was ever very good at it though. I think that as I am coming into the next decade of my life, it would be wonderful to do something for myself that can remind me of how beautiful and sensual a woman's body can be - even if it has had two children and has lots of curves. Bellydancers are supposed to be curvy, right? Well, I fit the bill then. It might be a fantastic way to build confidence and pride in the body God gave me. The only problem is that it doesn't jive with my schedule at the moment, so we will put that one on the backburner for now, but not out of my mind!
The next thing I saw in the guide was triathlon training. Yes, I just said triathlon. Running, swimming and biking. Triathlon. Oh dear, what has my imagination gotten me into here? I think that by the time I am 35, I should do a triathlon. I am not a very good runner. I can't seem to find a good rhythm, I always feel like I'm going to fall over, and I can't breathe when I run. Is this realistic? Well, I ran for 6 minutes today on the treadmill, and I didn't want to pass out. That's kind of good, right? Maybe in five and a half years, I will be able to run much farther. Swimming - now there's something I like. I used to swim lengths in university, but I am not very fast or very strong. I also tend to want to hyperventilate and I hate it when water goes up my nose. AND, I am afraid of water. I am telling the truth though, I actually like swimming. Then there is biking. I can ride a bike, but not very fast and not very well. I rode 40 km this past summer, and I almost died. I made it, but I walked the hills and I was the last one in at the finish. I think in five and a half years, I could ride a little better. Maybe I should buy a bike?
So, I am beginning to take my narrow minded life plan and branch out a bit. That's a scary thing for me! I am a planner, through and through. When I was in high school, I wanted to be a teacher. Check on the degree, not so much on the actual career. It's on hold. When I moved to the city I live in now for university, I decided I was going to find a husband. Well, I did that, and it worked out wonderfully. The moment I set foot here I began to look. It took me just over a year. I met my hubby when I was nineteen and married him at twenty two. Good for me, that part of my plan worked out. Then I wanted to be married for five years, build my career, and then have kids. That one has turned out to be a little backwards. Oh well, cest la vie.
My list of things I wanted to do in my life is incomplete, and now I am adding more ambitions. I wonder how much stress this will add to my life? I already stress about the fact that I am almost thirty and have not been able to establish myself in a school district. I put a lot of time and energy into writing, trying to take my career in a different direction, or at least add to it. Now I want to bellydance and do a triathlon. Oh dear, what have I gotten myself into?
All I know is that I can't live life without goals. I need them to motivate me and spur me on to move my butt. If I don't have them, my life will easily get soaked up by my domestic duties, supplemented by bad daytime television. So, yeah, I have some lofty goals. That's okay. I need them, and it's kind of fun to branch out a little and take on something completely different. Here goes nothing!
Here are some of my current lifetime goals: (If you don't put them out there, who will hold you accountable?)
1) Finish and publish at least one novel
2) Become a freelance writer and editor
3) Go back to teaching
4) Get my master's and PhD and teach English at a university
5) Sing in a band
6) Own a coffee shop and import and roast my own beans
7) Travel SOMEWHERE
8) Compete in a Triathlon
9) Take bellydancing
Lofty Goals...
Monday, September 6, 2010
The Value of Self
Each of us has the inherent right to exist. We were born, and therefore have the right to be alive. What we don't realize is just how important we are. Every woman I have ever met, and many men too, have a view of themselves that I believe was not the intention when we came into being, however you believe that to have happened. I feel as though we don't see the worth in ourselves, and when we don't realize this truth, we are unable to reach our full potential as human beings.
How many times have you said to yourself, "I'm just not good enough," or "I just don't have what it takes," dissuading yourself from success? How many times have you looked in the mirror and been dissatisfied with what you saw? How many times have you failed and given up? I believe the human race has a sickness called 'self-depreciation.' Why don't we value ourselves the way we should? There are many answers to that question, and it is different for every person and every situation. All I know are the reasons I have devalued myself, and I can only guess as to why others do it. What I want to see is my generation, and those generations coming after me to learn the value of the self. We need to understand and realize that we are worth the air we breathe, and that to deny ourselves this is a grave crime.
When we begin to understand just how valuable we are, life can take a completely different course. When we treat ourselves poorly and allow others to treat us poorly, we live below the standard we were made for. We tend to be unhappy, unfulfilled, angry, bitter and resentful. When we take the time to look at the good in us, and not allow others to treat us badly, we walk in an empowered existence. We are then able to look past life's setbacks and move forward. We can take the abuse others dole out and push it away, not internalizing it. We can heal from past hurts, and emerge from inside ourselves, giving positivity, love, and faith to others. But first we need to stop devaluing ourselves.
So, for what reasons have I devalued myself? Much of it stems from childhood, rejection, abuse and being treated poorly. Every person on the planet is abused by another at some point in their lives, but we cannot continue to allow that ill treatment to change how we view ourselves. When I was young, I was abused by someone I trusted. That caused me to view myself as usable and expendable. I was too young to realize that I didn't have to allow it to affect my perspective on myself, and so I carry that with me. Over the years, I have been rejected by many people: men, church, friends. I have caught myself saying I felt discarded like a piece of trash. What I didn't realize was that by saying I felt like trash, I was beginning to view myself as trash. Well, I am not trash, and I am deeply saddened that I ever thought that, for even one second.
While I carry all the poor treatment I have suffered at the hands of others, I have internalized my own poor treatment. Because I was told over and over again that I wasn't good enough, I began to believe that I wasn't good enough. I couldn't be good enough for anyone. I began to sabotage my relationships because I thought people were going to see the image I thought I was - that they would figure out I wasn't good enough. They would figure out I felt worthless on the inside, and they would believe it too. I internalized hurtful words and actions, and began to hurt myself with them. When I think about it logically, I ask myself why on earth I would abuse myself. What could I possibly gain by perpetuating the cycle of hurt inside? The answer is nothing, only grief. This is not a way to live. Now I can see that I have bruised myself. I can see the scars I have inflicted, and I have made a promise to myself to be a little gentler, to treat myself better. I wouldn't take a knife and cut up my body, so why should I cut up my psyche?
But how can we stop this vicious cycle? The first thing we need to realize is that our value as human beings was set the moment we came into existence, and it cannot change. We were given life, something that should never be taken lightly. Because we have the privilege of being alive, we are intrinsically valuable. No one on the planet can lower our value, not even ourselves. The truth is still true, whether we believe it or not. We have the gift of life, and who are we to demean it?
I'm not saying we can stop eating our humble pie and walk around with inflated heads. I just think we need to realize that we are valuable, and no matter how many times we are told otherwise, it's not going to change. So, I have some things I need to work on. So, I have a bit of a temper. So, I am not always the most patient, or kind, or affectionate person. I am still a person of value, and now that I can see that, I have slowed down on the inner self-mutilation. I can see that I deserve to live a good and happy life. I can see that I need to treat myself well, body and soul. I can see that when I am down on myself, I'm just falling into old cycles, and I now have the ability to pull myself out of it. Do I always do it? No. But I know I can, and that's a start.
Gone are the days when I don't appreciate myself. Gone are the days when I think I am not good enough for some person or some job or some group. Gone are the days when I abuse and belittle myself. Gone are the days when I allow others' hurtful words and actions to turn into a cycle of self abuse I cannot crawl out of.
My earnest hope is that I can pass this on to my children, and everyone else around me. I am so far from perfect, and even now I am asking myself, "Who am I to be preaching to everyone?" Well, I am a person of value. I know I have flaws, and that's okay. I want this thing that has allowed me to heal from old hurts and see things differently pass on to others. I sincerely hope that when you look in the mirror today, you can smile and tell yourself you are valuable, acceptable, beautiful and even priceless. Because you are.
How many times have you said to yourself, "I'm just not good enough," or "I just don't have what it takes," dissuading yourself from success? How many times have you looked in the mirror and been dissatisfied with what you saw? How many times have you failed and given up? I believe the human race has a sickness called 'self-depreciation.' Why don't we value ourselves the way we should? There are many answers to that question, and it is different for every person and every situation. All I know are the reasons I have devalued myself, and I can only guess as to why others do it. What I want to see is my generation, and those generations coming after me to learn the value of the self. We need to understand and realize that we are worth the air we breathe, and that to deny ourselves this is a grave crime.
When we begin to understand just how valuable we are, life can take a completely different course. When we treat ourselves poorly and allow others to treat us poorly, we live below the standard we were made for. We tend to be unhappy, unfulfilled, angry, bitter and resentful. When we take the time to look at the good in us, and not allow others to treat us badly, we walk in an empowered existence. We are then able to look past life's setbacks and move forward. We can take the abuse others dole out and push it away, not internalizing it. We can heal from past hurts, and emerge from inside ourselves, giving positivity, love, and faith to others. But first we need to stop devaluing ourselves.
So, for what reasons have I devalued myself? Much of it stems from childhood, rejection, abuse and being treated poorly. Every person on the planet is abused by another at some point in their lives, but we cannot continue to allow that ill treatment to change how we view ourselves. When I was young, I was abused by someone I trusted. That caused me to view myself as usable and expendable. I was too young to realize that I didn't have to allow it to affect my perspective on myself, and so I carry that with me. Over the years, I have been rejected by many people: men, church, friends. I have caught myself saying I felt discarded like a piece of trash. What I didn't realize was that by saying I felt like trash, I was beginning to view myself as trash. Well, I am not trash, and I am deeply saddened that I ever thought that, for even one second.
While I carry all the poor treatment I have suffered at the hands of others, I have internalized my own poor treatment. Because I was told over and over again that I wasn't good enough, I began to believe that I wasn't good enough. I couldn't be good enough for anyone. I began to sabotage my relationships because I thought people were going to see the image I thought I was - that they would figure out I wasn't good enough. They would figure out I felt worthless on the inside, and they would believe it too. I internalized hurtful words and actions, and began to hurt myself with them. When I think about it logically, I ask myself why on earth I would abuse myself. What could I possibly gain by perpetuating the cycle of hurt inside? The answer is nothing, only grief. This is not a way to live. Now I can see that I have bruised myself. I can see the scars I have inflicted, and I have made a promise to myself to be a little gentler, to treat myself better. I wouldn't take a knife and cut up my body, so why should I cut up my psyche?
But how can we stop this vicious cycle? The first thing we need to realize is that our value as human beings was set the moment we came into existence, and it cannot change. We were given life, something that should never be taken lightly. Because we have the privilege of being alive, we are intrinsically valuable. No one on the planet can lower our value, not even ourselves. The truth is still true, whether we believe it or not. We have the gift of life, and who are we to demean it?
I'm not saying we can stop eating our humble pie and walk around with inflated heads. I just think we need to realize that we are valuable, and no matter how many times we are told otherwise, it's not going to change. So, I have some things I need to work on. So, I have a bit of a temper. So, I am not always the most patient, or kind, or affectionate person. I am still a person of value, and now that I can see that, I have slowed down on the inner self-mutilation. I can see that I deserve to live a good and happy life. I can see that I need to treat myself well, body and soul. I can see that when I am down on myself, I'm just falling into old cycles, and I now have the ability to pull myself out of it. Do I always do it? No. But I know I can, and that's a start.
Gone are the days when I don't appreciate myself. Gone are the days when I think I am not good enough for some person or some job or some group. Gone are the days when I abuse and belittle myself. Gone are the days when I allow others' hurtful words and actions to turn into a cycle of self abuse I cannot crawl out of.
My earnest hope is that I can pass this on to my children, and everyone else around me. I am so far from perfect, and even now I am asking myself, "Who am I to be preaching to everyone?" Well, I am a person of value. I know I have flaws, and that's okay. I want this thing that has allowed me to heal from old hurts and see things differently pass on to others. I sincerely hope that when you look in the mirror today, you can smile and tell yourself you are valuable, acceptable, beautiful and even priceless. Because you are.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Infolinks In Text Ads
So I just recently added a new money making thing on my blog called Infolinks. Below is a brief description of it. The company suggests telling my viewers what it is etc. Thought I'd let you know.
These links are part of a pay per click advertising program called Infolinks. Infolinks is an In Text advertising service: they take my text and create links within it. If you hover with your mouse over these double underlined links, you will see a small dialog box containing advertisement related to the text marked. You can choose to either move the mouse away and go on with your browsing, or to press on the box and go to the ad page which is relevant to the text.
These links are part of a pay per click advertising program called Infolinks. Infolinks is an In Text advertising service: they take my text and create links within it. If you hover with your mouse over these double underlined links, you will see a small dialog box containing advertisement related to the text marked. You can choose to either move the mouse away and go on with your browsing, or to press on the box and go to the ad page which is relevant to the text.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Oh my goodness, I am getting old.
My daughter starts kindergarten tomorrow. Kindergarten. My little cherub with the chubby cheeks and stickin out ears is going to school. She can count to 100, she can sound out words, she can draw better than I can. How did this happen? Where did the time go? I feel like a broken record these days, wondering what the heck happened to speed time up over the past ten years. Wasn't I just in university? Wasn't I just married? Wasn't I just pregnant? Nope. Time has passed, and it has left me behind. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this boat.
So, tomorrow when I drop my daughter off at school for the very first time, will I cry? Yes. Will I be proud? Incredibly. Will I want to stay all afternoon to make sure her teacher is doing everything right and realizing her full potential as the gifted child she is? YES...I am a teacher after all.
So, how do I make all this SLOW down a little? This one baffles me. My baby, who I swear is a newborn, will be one in a month and a couple days. ONE! Are you kidding me? Where did that year go? I suppose the same time fairy who stole my oldest girl's first five years stole my little one's first year too. Damn time fairies! I would like to lock you up and send you far, far away so I can just enjoy my life, thank you very much.
But seriously, we only have today right? The past ten years have gone by at lightning speed for me, and I know the next ten will go even faster. I need to take a step back and enjoy it. I would love to just hit the pause button and freeze my kids where they are, or even rewind a little, but alas, this is not a reality. I suppose I have to really make the most of what I have, and the moments to come. I can't let my life pass me by. These events are really making me think that I shouldn't wait to live. I should cherish each and every moment I have right now, and not get tied up in knots about the future. Tomorrow when I drop my kid off at school, I will take a mental snapshot of the moment she walks away from me, and file it under "Important Stuff I Don't Want to Forget."
Man, I feel old today. Why am I not 18 any more? Wasn't I just that young yesterday? Where did it all go?
So, tomorrow when I drop my daughter off at school for the very first time, will I cry? Yes. Will I be proud? Incredibly. Will I want to stay all afternoon to make sure her teacher is doing everything right and realizing her full potential as the gifted child she is? YES...I am a teacher after all.
So, how do I make all this SLOW down a little? This one baffles me. My baby, who I swear is a newborn, will be one in a month and a couple days. ONE! Are you kidding me? Where did that year go? I suppose the same time fairy who stole my oldest girl's first five years stole my little one's first year too. Damn time fairies! I would like to lock you up and send you far, far away so I can just enjoy my life, thank you very much.
But seriously, we only have today right? The past ten years have gone by at lightning speed for me, and I know the next ten will go even faster. I need to take a step back and enjoy it. I would love to just hit the pause button and freeze my kids where they are, or even rewind a little, but alas, this is not a reality. I suppose I have to really make the most of what I have, and the moments to come. I can't let my life pass me by. These events are really making me think that I shouldn't wait to live. I should cherish each and every moment I have right now, and not get tied up in knots about the future. Tomorrow when I drop my kid off at school, I will take a mental snapshot of the moment she walks away from me, and file it under "Important Stuff I Don't Want to Forget."
Man, I feel old today. Why am I not 18 any more? Wasn't I just that young yesterday? Where did it all go?
Friday, August 27, 2010
The Inner Dialogue of a Frazzled Mommy
I have been really into everything MOM these days. I have been very active on a forum for moms, and have been so interested in hearing the perspectives of other mothers and how they deal with their children and the tough circumstances that arise. I love that more and more moms are not pretending to be perfect anymore, and that they are talking about their struggles! Because let's face it, every single day as a parent is a struggle. EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Because I want to be a good mother, I try to really censor what comes out of my mouth in front of the kids. I sometimes feel like screaming, "Shut up!", but instead I smile and nod my head, or patiently say, "Mommy needs a little bit of quiet time right now, please go play in your room." This practice has taken me years to do somewhat successfully, and I still falter from time to time. Sometimes I catch myself mid-word, and it turns into, "Shush," because I really don't believe a kid needs to learn how to say shut up from their parents.
I have a five year old, and let me tell you, this age is particularly trying for me. She never stops. Even when she is on the brink of sleep, her lips are still moving. "Mom, what if...?", "Mom, why...?", "Mom, can I...?". It honestly drives me to the brink of madness. In my logical mind, I know I should be happy that she is so inquisitive and talkative, because she is engaging her brain in meaningful learning. In my logical mind, I should be able to patiently answer her questions. In my real mind, I am wearily wishing she would just stop, just give me a few moments of peace. In my real mind, I am actively pushing down annoyance and putting an enthusiastic smile on my face and answering the barrage of questions that is forever coming.
Something my five year old also does is scream. Oh my goodness, does she ever scream. She has no concept of volume control, and I am constantly telling her to bring her voice down. She constantly forgets. The screams escape like they are coming out of their own accord, and she seemingly has no control over it. I catch myself saying 5, 6, 18 times a day, "No screaming in the house!", while I'm shouting...Yes, I have to shout. It's the only way she will hear me. Sometimes I want to get some duct tape and stick it over her mouth, but I know it won't do any good. She will still scream. She's five. Inside my head, I am the one screaming though, and between the outer noise and loud inner dialogue, I give myself a big fat headache. Not to mention the baby is picking up the habit as well.
My almost 11 month old drives me equally as crazy. She's at the stage where she is into absolutely everything, and thinks it's a game when I say no. I say to her in my sternest mommy voice, "No, do not climb the stairs," and she laughs and climbs faster. I say to her, "Yucky, don't put that in your mouth," and she smiles and proceeds to put it in her mouth. I fully realize that she is a baby, and doesn't fully understand yet. But she does understand the word 'no'. She most certainly does. In my mind, I am saying, "Oh my goodness, can I just sit down for a moment please? Do you have to find the smallest piece of lint on the floor and put it in your mouth? Yes, I guess I do have to vacuum...again." On the outside, I often appear like I am calm and happy, simply taking the object from her, or pulling her off the stairs for the umpteenth time. I'm like a broken record.
How many times in the middle of the night have I said to myself, "When am I going to be able to just sleep?" in sheer and utter frustration? Millions, gazillions, a ridiculous number of times. I, like every other mother of young children, am exhausted, perpetually. I run on caffeine and sheer force of will. This just adds to the strain, to say the least. Sometimes I think that if I could just get some sleep, all the other stuff would be easier to deal with. But alas, I am not going to get any for quite some time...let's say, 18 years or so? Shut up and accept it right? Well, that doesn't mean that inside I can't be just as indignant as ever. I can yell and curse inside my head, and be as grumpy as I want as long as I have a patient smile plastered across my face. That's right, I fake it. I fake it like there's no tomorrow. Oh well, cest la vie. This is life.
I also run a day home, as you may well know. This gets a little, should we say, hairy at times. During these summer months I have had, on some occasions, 9 children in my house. Yes, I know it's over capacity. I'm not going to say no to the money. I might be sleep deprived and a little bit crazy in my head, but I'm not stupid. Besides, they entertain each other fairly well. Until someone's feelings get hurt, or someone 'accidentally' hits someone else, or takes a toy someone else was already playing with. Then it's tears and accusations, and I can barely get a word in edgewise. Yes, having a plethora of children in my tiny little duplex between the ages of 11 months and age 10 is, shall we say, fun. Yeah, fun is good word for it. Fun is when there is so much noise I think I might explode. Fun is preparing lunches for so many kids that I have every chair in my house full, plus the highchair. Fun is trying to get them all to eat the same thing. Fun is doing crafts in my cramped kitchen and spending an hour cleaning up afterward. Yep, it's fun. I'm not saying I don't enjoy what I do, but it does make it so that I really look forward to five o'clock. I have some great kids, but I like it when they go home. I'm just saying.
Sometimes having a husband is fun too. I have a really fantastic husband, but like many other men, I'm pretty sure he has no idea how to clean a bathroom. Or pick up his empty pop cans without being asked. Or do the dishes. Oh, I know he can do these things. I know his mother! But, does he? Not usually. You can imagine my dismay when I have been cooking, cleaning, refereeing, and diapering all day long and I have to pick up after someone else now too. Yes, he works all day long, and to his credit, has an incredibly taxing and exhausting job, but I'm pretty sure he can at least put his dishes in the sink. I'm making it sound worse than it really is, but this is my frustrated inner dialogue shared for the world to see.
I write all of this with the baby on my lap, trying to push the keys on the computer, grabbing the glasses from my face, giving me big wet kisses and treating me as if I were a jungle gym. So why bother? Well, it keeps me sane for one thing. For another, when am I going to find time later? I have a list about ten feet long of things to do before I head out for the weekend tomorrow, which is a chore in and of itself. So, here ends my crazy inner dialogue, for today at least. I hope that if any of you are in the same boat, you can take comfort in the fact that you're not the only crazy woman out there. I'm a prominent member of the club too!
Because I want to be a good mother, I try to really censor what comes out of my mouth in front of the kids. I sometimes feel like screaming, "Shut up!", but instead I smile and nod my head, or patiently say, "Mommy needs a little bit of quiet time right now, please go play in your room." This practice has taken me years to do somewhat successfully, and I still falter from time to time. Sometimes I catch myself mid-word, and it turns into, "Shush," because I really don't believe a kid needs to learn how to say shut up from their parents.
I have a five year old, and let me tell you, this age is particularly trying for me. She never stops. Even when she is on the brink of sleep, her lips are still moving. "Mom, what if...?", "Mom, why...?", "Mom, can I...?". It honestly drives me to the brink of madness. In my logical mind, I know I should be happy that she is so inquisitive and talkative, because she is engaging her brain in meaningful learning. In my logical mind, I should be able to patiently answer her questions. In my real mind, I am wearily wishing she would just stop, just give me a few moments of peace. In my real mind, I am actively pushing down annoyance and putting an enthusiastic smile on my face and answering the barrage of questions that is forever coming.
Something my five year old also does is scream. Oh my goodness, does she ever scream. She has no concept of volume control, and I am constantly telling her to bring her voice down. She constantly forgets. The screams escape like they are coming out of their own accord, and she seemingly has no control over it. I catch myself saying 5, 6, 18 times a day, "No screaming in the house!", while I'm shouting...Yes, I have to shout. It's the only way she will hear me. Sometimes I want to get some duct tape and stick it over her mouth, but I know it won't do any good. She will still scream. She's five. Inside my head, I am the one screaming though, and between the outer noise and loud inner dialogue, I give myself a big fat headache. Not to mention the baby is picking up the habit as well.
My almost 11 month old drives me equally as crazy. She's at the stage where she is into absolutely everything, and thinks it's a game when I say no. I say to her in my sternest mommy voice, "No, do not climb the stairs," and she laughs and climbs faster. I say to her, "Yucky, don't put that in your mouth," and she smiles and proceeds to put it in her mouth. I fully realize that she is a baby, and doesn't fully understand yet. But she does understand the word 'no'. She most certainly does. In my mind, I am saying, "Oh my goodness, can I just sit down for a moment please? Do you have to find the smallest piece of lint on the floor and put it in your mouth? Yes, I guess I do have to vacuum...again." On the outside, I often appear like I am calm and happy, simply taking the object from her, or pulling her off the stairs for the umpteenth time. I'm like a broken record.
How many times in the middle of the night have I said to myself, "When am I going to be able to just sleep?" in sheer and utter frustration? Millions, gazillions, a ridiculous number of times. I, like every other mother of young children, am exhausted, perpetually. I run on caffeine and sheer force of will. This just adds to the strain, to say the least. Sometimes I think that if I could just get some sleep, all the other stuff would be easier to deal with. But alas, I am not going to get any for quite some time...let's say, 18 years or so? Shut up and accept it right? Well, that doesn't mean that inside I can't be just as indignant as ever. I can yell and curse inside my head, and be as grumpy as I want as long as I have a patient smile plastered across my face. That's right, I fake it. I fake it like there's no tomorrow. Oh well, cest la vie. This is life.
I also run a day home, as you may well know. This gets a little, should we say, hairy at times. During these summer months I have had, on some occasions, 9 children in my house. Yes, I know it's over capacity. I'm not going to say no to the money. I might be sleep deprived and a little bit crazy in my head, but I'm not stupid. Besides, they entertain each other fairly well. Until someone's feelings get hurt, or someone 'accidentally' hits someone else, or takes a toy someone else was already playing with. Then it's tears and accusations, and I can barely get a word in edgewise. Yes, having a plethora of children in my tiny little duplex between the ages of 11 months and age 10 is, shall we say, fun. Yeah, fun is good word for it. Fun is when there is so much noise I think I might explode. Fun is preparing lunches for so many kids that I have every chair in my house full, plus the highchair. Fun is trying to get them all to eat the same thing. Fun is doing crafts in my cramped kitchen and spending an hour cleaning up afterward. Yep, it's fun. I'm not saying I don't enjoy what I do, but it does make it so that I really look forward to five o'clock. I have some great kids, but I like it when they go home. I'm just saying.
Sometimes having a husband is fun too. I have a really fantastic husband, but like many other men, I'm pretty sure he has no idea how to clean a bathroom. Or pick up his empty pop cans without being asked. Or do the dishes. Oh, I know he can do these things. I know his mother! But, does he? Not usually. You can imagine my dismay when I have been cooking, cleaning, refereeing, and diapering all day long and I have to pick up after someone else now too. Yes, he works all day long, and to his credit, has an incredibly taxing and exhausting job, but I'm pretty sure he can at least put his dishes in the sink. I'm making it sound worse than it really is, but this is my frustrated inner dialogue shared for the world to see.
I write all of this with the baby on my lap, trying to push the keys on the computer, grabbing the glasses from my face, giving me big wet kisses and treating me as if I were a jungle gym. So why bother? Well, it keeps me sane for one thing. For another, when am I going to find time later? I have a list about ten feet long of things to do before I head out for the weekend tomorrow, which is a chore in and of itself. So, here ends my crazy inner dialogue, for today at least. I hope that if any of you are in the same boat, you can take comfort in the fact that you're not the only crazy woman out there. I'm a prominent member of the club too!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)