Bidding Farewell to the First Decade of the 2000s

Today is the second last day of the first decade of the new millennium.  In a mere handful of hours, we will be bidding the decade adieu and ushering in a new one.  This is a time, for me, to reflect on the past ten years and celebrate what is to come in the next.

My life in the past ten years has changed drastically.  In 2000, I was still settling into university, completing my first year.  I was making plans and looking forward to a long career in teaching and keeping my eye out for that special someone.  The year 2000 is actually when I met and began dating my husband, and I knew right from the beginning that he was "the one."  We haven't looked back!  It's been a great ride, and I'm looking forward to the next ten years.  As well as meeting my husband and marrying him, I earned myself two university degrees, had two beautiful children,and reunited with my amazing sisters.  I have laughed, I have cried, I have hurt and I have rejoiced.  I have realized many things about myself, and my past, enabling me to heal and become emotionally stable and independent.  It has been quite a fabulous experience.

In the past year alone I have seen my newborn grow into an almost toddler, begin to walk, talk, laugh, and seen her personality emerge.  I have seen my five year old excel in her first year of school, learning to read ahead of her class, learning to add and subtract, and learning that being a part of society requires all of us doing our part.  This last month she decided to spend her allowance on a donation to the food bank instead of buying herself a treat, which I was incredibly proud of.  I have seen her become a smart, empathetic, kind and caring individual who isn't afraid to think her own thoughts.  I have had my own triumphs this year as well, which have been well documented on this blog.  I have now lost a total of 47 pounds, and am wearing single digit clothing sizes.  I am also in good shape, and have really made a positive lifestyle change.  I have learned so much more about health and healthy living, and I look so forward to continuing along that path, ever looking forward.

In the next decade, I will be saying goodbye to my twenties.  I turned twenty in 2001, and will be turning thirty in 2011.  I am reluctant to admit this fact, but there it is.  I am entering a new decade of my life while the world enters a new decade of its own.  Am I ready for it?  I'm going to say an emphatic 'NO' on that one.  I'm not sure I am quite willing to stop being a twenty-something and start being a real grown up.  Though I have been married seven years, have two children and have long been out of university, I don't always quite see myself as an adult just yet.  I know I am, and I know I can never return to the carefree days of my youth (whether my youth was carefree is a matter up for debate), but I do wish I could stop the aging process some days - at least to erase the gray hairs that keep surfacing along my hairline. 

It's not all bad though!  In the next decade I get to watch my girls grow into young women.  By 2020, my oldest daughter will be 15, and my baby will be 10.  That is a scary, yet exciting prospect.  I don't know how many of you out there know just what kind of crazy I am, but when I tell you I actually enjoy working with teenagers, you will get some idea.  My teaching career has brought me to primarily teens and preteens ranging from age 11 to age 15, and though I haven't enjoyed every single second of it, I can honestly say it has been greatly satisfying.  I had a turbulent teenage life, and I think it fashioned me especially well to work with teens.  That is why I am actually, sort of, a little bit, looking forward to having teens myself.  I am excited to see just what kind of young women my girls will be, and the next decade is about to reveal it to me. 

I'm also excited to see the deepening of many of my relationships in the next ten years.  I have begun (and continued) many lovely friendships in the past ten years, and it will be wonderful to further explore them.  I have also reconnected with my sisters, and in the next year my baby sister is moving to my city.  I am actually beside myself with excitement that she will be closer, because we haven't lived in the same city since 1999!  What a change that will be!  And I'm sure she'll get sick of me, because I will want to spend every spare minute I have with her. 

Another thing I am looking forward to in the next decade is a change in career paths, for both my husband and myself.  We are both delving into unknown territory, which is a little scary, but will inevitably be greatly satisfying.  The next few years are going to be hard.  They are going to be exhausting.  But they will pay off.  I have great faith that what is in store for us is nothing but our deepest desires, and I intend to grab on and let life take me for a great ride.

These are just a few of the things I am thinking of as we prepare to usher in a new year and a new decade.  Though the last ten years has had its share of difficulties and trials, it has also had its beautiful moments where I have realized life is what we make of it.  Our world has changed irrevocably in the last decade, beginning with the destruction of the twin towers, and continuing with the tsunami, earthquakes, hurricanes and many other horrible disasters.  But it has also shown that our fellow man can be compassionate and empathetic, as evidenced in relief efforts in places like Haiti and New Orleans.  It has shown that we are getting closer each day to a cure for cancer, and many other life threatening diseases.  We are becoming a global community where people can reach one another by the click of a button, bringing us ever closer to true compassion and empathy with our fellow man.  I am greatly looking forward to the next decade and the possibilities it holds.

So, as we say goodbye to 2010, and the whole first decade of this millennium, what are you reflecting on?  What are you hoping for as we move forward into unknown territory? 

Are You Ready? I'm NOT!!

There are three days left until Christmas.  I love Christmas.  It is by far my favorite holiday, but it is also, as I get older, the most stressful of holidays.  This year, I am hosting a small dinner on Christmas Eve at my house, and I have a list about ten feet long of things to do.  Except I can't get any of it done!  I have been working long days this week, because my day home kids are all on holidays and here early in the morning and late in the afternoon.  I can only get so much done with a minimum of six kids running around my ankles and needing to be fed, watered and entertained.  Not to mention the fact that I certainly can't go anywhere during the day, so grocery shopping is out of the question.  I am also home-bound in the evening.  My husband is working nights, and we only have one vehicle, so unless I want to pack up my kids and walk somewhere in the snow, I am pretty much stuck in the house.  So, it all has to get done on Christmas Eve day...yay me!  I have a feeling there will be very little sleeping in my life until boxing day.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love having people at my house, and the craziness of celebrating Christmas with my family.  I am looking forward to dinner, the Christmas Eve service and our tradition of opening one present before sending the kids to bed in eager anticipation of Santa's arrival.  I'm looking forward to the kids ripping open their presents Christmas morning and then rushing around like crazy people to pack everyone and everything into the van for the two hour drive to my Aunt's house for Christmas dinner.  I am looking so forward to the food, wine, desserts and especially the company!  I thrive on being insanely busy I think.  I must be a woman.

But seriously, how I get it all done in time I have no clue!  It all ends up getting done in the end though, and I think I must be super-human or something!  Women have something bred into us that makes it so that we magically things get done in time.  If this wasn't true, then the world would have ended long ago.  So, I will get all the cleaning, prepping, cooking and baking done in time if it kills me, and then when it is all over, I will clean it all up again and have a satisfying glass of wine, or two or three.  Then, even though I will want to sleep for a day, I will go back to work and my life will resume as per usual.

I really do love Christmas.  Truly, I do.  Even though it is full of stress and pressure, and craziness and busyness, it is my favorite time of the year.  Even though I will probably gain back a good five pounds of the 47 I have lost, it is all worth it to spend this magical time with the people I love the most, and to eat and drink until I can't fit anymore in.

So, I'm not even remotely ready for the holiday, but I will be!  I won't be sleeping, eating or generally doing anything for myself, but it will all be worth the payoff in the end.  Merry Christmas everyone!

Remembering

Chatting with an old friend has got me remembering.  This time of year always makes me remember, but last night I began to remember a little more vividly.  There are so many people who have touched my life and changed me irrevocably.  There are so many people I have loved without abandon, before I learned to guard my heart against the world that conspires to hurt me.  Sometimes I feel as though I have come full circle, and I am a child again, foolishly putting my heart out there for people to do what they will.  But I honestly can't think of another way to live and be happy.  I really don't think there is anything else to this thing we call life than to love the people we encounter, and cherish and savor those who are destined to be companions, like our children, spouses, parents, siblings and friends.

I have had the great priviledge to call many amazing people my friends.  And now, because of the social network, I have been able to reconnect with many of those I thought I'd never encounter again.  This is what makes me remember.  I remember the times when I was a child, a teen, an almost adult, when I threw my heart to the wind and begged the wind to love me.  Suffice to say, that endeavor was somewhat unsuccessful, as the wind can only do what it does.  Loving me was beyond its capacity, but I cherished it nonetheless.  I got swept up in it.  And now, looking back, though my childish emotions weren't reciprocated the way I wanted, I am happy that I felt the way I did.  I remember it with warmth and fondness, and sweet nostalgia. 

I love getting wrapped up in memories.  This time of year especially makes me remember my mother.  She died shortly after Christmas in January of 1996, and she loved Christmas.  She loved baking, and decorating the tree and singing Christmas carols.  She loved the hectic family get togethers and the chaos of gift opening with squealing children and laughing sisters.  She went out of her way to make me and my sister feel special.  There was always something grand under the tree, though we never had a lot of money.  But what I remember the most about my mother was not the presents and the baking, it was the smell and sound of her warmth and her love.  It was the smile that she wore constantly and the sound of her laughter.  It was her adoration of her family and the fact that I never once questioned whether or not I was loved completely.  Yes, I love remembering.  Though it often comes with the bitter pangs of the love that has been lost, the presence I no longer have in my life, it does my heart good to remember.

Yes, I have truly loved many people in my life, and I honestly believe it is my purpose to fulfill on this earth.  So come what may, I will always love people without abandon.  It's the way I am wired.  I was born to pass that along to others, whether they want to receive it or not.  Today I sit and remember those I have loved passionately and I think on them happily.  I ask the universe to bless them and bring them happiness and love.  Most of all I thank them for existing so I could adore them.  And now I look to the future and those in my life at this moment, and thank God for every single moment I have with them, because I know that life is short, and someday I will not be here to enjoy them.  I love remembering, and to those I have loved in my life, thank you for allowing me to do so.  I will always think of you with warmth.

Holiday Treats Stressing You Out?

It's that time of year again.  You know, the time where overindulgence is rampant and the spread of goodies just lying around is anything but resistible.  It's the time of the year when we stuff ourselves until we have to loosen our belts and undo the top button just to sit comfortably.  Then comes the guilt.  On top of the feeling that your stomach is about to burst, you feel guilty for eating those cookies, cakes, fudge, candies and three helpings of turkey dinner.

Well, I can relate to all of the above, most definitely.  I have been trying all year long to eat healthier, smaller portions, and the holidays seem to negate all of my hard work.  But it doesn't have to erase it ALL.  For the past year, I have been baking a lot of my own goodies for my kids and myself, and I have been really trying to make them healthier.  If the fact that holiday treats are loaded with empty carbs and white sugar, not to mention butter, butter and more butter stresses you out, then I think I may have some solutions for you.

Some things I think can help is to try and avoid the all or nothing technique, and to make my Christmas goodies just a little bit healthier so the guilt factor goes down.  In my experience, if I try to stay away from Christmas treats, I end up craving them and binging on them.  I have decided that I am not going to ban myself from eating them.  I just need to exercise some self control and stop at one or two instead of five or six.  That way, I am not denying myself things that I love, but I am still not packing on the pounds.  I have worked far too hard to lose weight in the past year, and I'm not willing to let any of it back just because I want to eat that extra piece of fudge.

When baking and creating delicious treats, there are also options to make them healthier.  One thing I have done in all my baking is to replace white flour with whole wheat flour.  By adding whole grains into my chocolate chip cookies, ginger molasses cookies and countless other lovely treats, I am upping the fiber factor by a good percentage, so I can feel a little less guilty for eating a few.  Another option is to reduce or replace white, refined sugar.  The regular white and brown sugar you buy in the store are both refined and bleached.  Brown sugar is just white sugar with molasses added to it.  In most baking, because sugar plays such an integral part in the chemical makeup of the finished product as well as the taste and texture, you can only reduce it by so much.  I believe it can be reduced by about a quarter without affecting taste and texture.  If you want to replace it, there are actually many options to choose from.  Something I have used is natural, raw sugar.  It is more coarse, so something to make sure you do is to mix it with your wet ingredients and let it sit a few minutes so it dissolves fully in your mixture before adding the dry ingredients.  Another option is to use products like cane sugar instead of white sugar, and sucanat for brown sugar, which is another name for whole cane sugar.  Sucanat retains its molasses content, so it can be used instead of regular brown sugar with the same taste and effect.  You can also find sugar replacements like Stevia (which I haven't used), or artificial sweeteners, which I also haven't tried.  I don't actually like them very much, and because I have spent the majority of the last two years either pregnant or breastfeeding, I have stayed away from them because of their chemical properties.  One more thing I have done a lot in my baking is to replace oils and some butters with unsweetened apple sauce.  This can be done in cakes, brownies, muffins and quick breads like banana bread.  It's a great option for reducing fat and calorie content in your baking.

The main thing I am thinking of is the fact that holiday food doesn't have to throw my healthy eating habits out the window.  I plan on loading up on veggies and turkey at our family dinners and minimizing my gravy, stuffing, mashed potatoes and bread.  Another good trick is to grab a smaller plate and fill it really full, so you still feel like you are eating a large meal, but you are actually eating a smaller, more realistic portion. (This is a practice I actually do every day, at every meal.) I can still enjoy smaller portions of high fat and calorie foods, but the important part is that I don't want to fill my plate with more bad than good.  I will also do a lot of healthier baking, and when I allow myself to eat those treats, I don't feel the need to eat an entire pan of fudge or caramel.  Holidays don't have to be scary.  They are there so we can celebrate our families and have a wonderful time.  So, if we can go into it with a resolve to treat our bodies well and not deny ourselves some treats, I think we can make it through without gaining ten pounds and feeling an immense amount of guilt.

Happy holiday eating everyone!

How Have I Made it Work?

Food, food, food...food!  As you are all very well aware, I am a bit obsessed with food.  I literally think about it all day long.  I want to eat it all the time, I hate eating it sometimes, I want to eat right, but I also want to binge on chocolate.  This tug-of-war in my mind is incredibly counter-productive when trying to lose weight and live a healthy lifestyle.  So I'm taking some time to reflect right now what exactly I have done in the past year to make the whole weight loss thing work.  I can't say that I always have a healthy outlook on what I put in my body, but man, am I miles away from where I used to be!

When I was a kid, I never got treats in my lunch.  I always had sandwiches with fruit for dessert and a cup of milk or something like that.  I ate good, nutritious lunches...until I was responsible for them.  You see, while my mother did a great job feeding me, she didn't have time to teach me the finer points of healthy living.  When I became responsible for feeding myself, I ate things like potato chips, candy, Jamaican patties (beef in pastry type bread...very greasy) or nothing at all for lunch.  Then I binged on anything I could find in the cupboard when I got home from school.  This was the beginning of some bad habits for me! 

When I moved out on my own, I was, for lack of a better term, dirt poor.  I worked a part time job while attending university, and suffice to say, I didn't eat very much good food.  I bought whatever was cheap and quick, and that meant a lot of pasta and frozen veggies. Protein was rarely a part of my diet.  Starch, starch, starch, carbs, and sugar.  That was pretty much it for 5 years.  Then I got pregnant and I realized I needed to change something, because it was no longer just my body I had to care for.  So I began to think about what I had been fed as a child, and went back to eating from all four food groups every day, and switched to whole grains and such.  But I still struggled with those bad habits!  Not to mention the fact that I had become an emotional eater.  I ate when I was happy, I ate when I was sad, I ate when I was depressed, I ate, I ate, I ate. 

Bad food habits are ridiculously hard to break!  I am still struggling with things that started when I was a teenager today; right now in fact.  What I have had to do is try to change my view on what food actually is, and what purpose it really serves.  Food is nourishment.  Food is energy to make our bodies run efficiently and properly.  Food is not an answer to an emotional problem.  It is not entertainment.  It is not evil, and should not make me feel guilty for eating it.  When I think of fast food, sometimes I cringe.  The thought of eating something deep fried, while sometimes still appealing, now kind of makes me want to throw up.  I have begun to picture just what that food is going to do when inside my body, and how it will benefit me.  When I think this way, I don't want to eat mountains of chocolate (though a little is good for you), or head out to the closest fast food place instead of cooking.  When I think about food as fuel for my body, I want to give it premium, not regular.  Don't I deserve more than junk?  Don't I deserve beautiful, colorful veggies, and lean meat, and whole grains?  Yes, absolutely I do, because these are the things my body needs. 

When I go to the grocery store now, instead of stocking up on white pasta, boxed dinners with a bunch of artificial flavors and colors, and junk meat, I buy fresh veggies and fruit, whole wheat everything and my own ingredients for baking delicious things at home.  I very seldom buy packaged cookies or treats.  I bake my own, with whole wheat flour, reduced sugar or use natural sweeteners like honey, replace oils with apple sauce, and use lots of beautiful spices to make it tasty.  It is like a food revolution in my household!  If you looked in my cupboard now, and were able to travel back in time and look in it 8 years ago, you would see a very different picture.  And man, does it feel good to eat well.  I'm telling you, my body feels ten times better than it did 8 or 10 years ago.  I have aged, and gained and lost weight, but because I am fueling it with things that it actually needs, I don't feel it. 

It might sound, as this point, like I have this great and perfect diet.  Well, I don't.  I still struggle daily with eating too much, or eating things that just aren't good for me.  If you put an apple and a chocolate bar in front of me and asked me to choose, nine times out of ten, I'd choose the chocolate.  The thing I have come to realize is that I can't live on a diet.  I refuse to deny myself the things that I love, and I think this can actually be a good thing.  If I don't allow myself to have something, I end up binging on it later.  So, if I make sure that most of the food I eat is healthy and wholesome, then what's a little treat?  In the over all scheme of things, it's not really anything at all - because I've already given my body what it needs.  When I do this, I am more apt to stop at just one and not eat the whole box.  I haven't deprived myself and played psychological games.  I am not in starvation mode.

So, yes, I obsess about food.  I fixate on it, I stress about it, I indulge in it.  But I have really learned to look at it differently.  Food is not my enemy!  It is something I am allowed to love and want, as long as I am making healthy choices.  I have been learning a great deal about nutrition, and though I despise cooking, have begun to really branch out in my meal preparation and baking.  It's actually been quite an adventure.  In fact, right now I am baking oatmeal breakfast bars that are made with whole grain oats, molasses (2 tbsp), cinnamon, raisins, dried cranberries and walnuts.  That's it.  Simple, wholesome ingredients, and they smell amazing!  There's something about creating something with beautiful ingredients that just makes me feel good.  And I feel good giving it to my kids too. 

In the end, the reason this whole weight loss thing is working for me is because first, I got active, and second, I began to change the way I think about food.  I have attempted to stop making it my enemy, and freed myself to love it and appreciate it for what it does for my body.  The battle is far from over, but in the last year I feel like I have made steps in the right direction, and I feel like my 40 pound weight loss is evidence of that.  My habits are changing, my mindset is changing, and my waistline is changing.  Maybe someday I can stop obsessing about it and just enjoy it!  Change is good.

A Weight Loss Milestone!

This week I hit a major milestone in my weight loss.  I have been working so incredibly hard in the last year to get back to a healthy weight after having my second daughter.  I have done this all before, and last time I worked just as hard for just as long.  The thing about this time around is that I was carrying a few extra pounds than last time when I started my journey.  I had fallen into some bad habits after an emotionally difficult year, and I am continuing to pay for that mistake.  But this week I hit a really big goal.  I have now lost of total of 40 pounds - the same amount of weight I had to lose last time I had a baby.  I can't believe how far I've come, and I am even finding that clothes I wore before I got pregnant are too big on me now.  I am only 15 pounds away from my end goal, and I have to say, I am incredibly proud of myself. 

I find it difficult to believe sometimes that I weighed over 200 pounds a year ago.  In this picture, I had just had my daughter weeks earlier, and was at an all time high in my weight (not including at the end of my pregnancy).  I felt like I was drowning in my own body.

I couldn't walk up the stairs without being winded.  I ate everything I saw.  I was low on confidence and self esteem.  One thing I did know though, was that I could lose it all.  I had done it before.  So as soon as my body had recuperated enough from giving birth, I got to work. 

Now, I can run.  Now I  can do high intensity cardio for thirty minutes, forty minutes, fifty minutes.  I can lift weights, walk long distances and run around with my kids without needing to sit and take a break.  I am not where I want to be just yet, but I have now hit that major milestone of forty pounds.  It's a really significant thing for me.  I lost the same amount of weight after my first pregnancy, and now that it's gone, I feel completely motivated to continue to push myself and get rid of the rest of it.  Here is a picture of me today, in my sweaty workout clothes, 40 pounds lighter.

I am incredibly pleased with what I see.  I no longer feel like I'm drowning in my body.  I feel like my body more represents who I am inside, and I am so excited to lose that last fifteen.  I think it's an awesome way to start a whole new decade - at a healthy weight and feeling great.  I totally stoked!

Four Gray Hairs Too Many

I've been suffering this week.  It's a crisis beyond anything I have ever dealt with.  I must admit that I was more traumatized than I thought I would be imagining this moment in my life, because I didn't expect it so soon.  What I'm talking about is the fact that I found gray hair on my head this week - too many to deny it any more.  You see, I have found one, solitary gray hair before.  So, no problem, I just pulled it out and pretended it didn't happen.  This time, there were more.   And I'm certain that this is only the beginning of my demise.  I am aging.

Aging hasn't ever really been a problem for me until this year.  When I was 28, I was still far enough away from my thirties that it didn't bother me.   Now that I'm 29, 30 is dangerously close.  It makes me think of my own mortality a little more.  One reason for this is that my mother died when she was only 38.  That age is less than ten years away for me now, and it brings into perspective the fact that I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, and sometimes that scares me.  I wouldn't say that I worry about it, but it is most definitely a presence in my mind.

Another reason for my anxiety is that my body is now telling me that it has begun its decline.  I have been working really hard for the past five years to be as healthy as I can, eating well and exercising regularly, and I want to enjoy the use of my body for many years to come.  The problem is that I wasn't an active person before five years ago, and sometimes I wonder how much my body is going to be able to take in the future.  That's why it's so urgent for me to be at a healthy weight with habits that aren't destructive.  I now feel more urgency to get things in order so to speak, because you never know when those unhealthy habits are going to catch up with you.  All the more reason to continue to work hard to control my eating and increase the intensity of my workouts.  I want to be able to keep up with my kids when they are teenagers, because of course they will be very active, like I was not. 

So, this whole gray hair thing is not just a reminder that my body is aging.  It insults my vanity!  I have really nice hair, in my own humble opinion.  I shudder at the fact that it may not look like this for very much longer, and I contemplate starting to dye it just so I can deny its untimely change.  I think in ten years I won't mind so much, but I kind of do now...well, who am I kidding?  I really mind. 

Aside from the fact that I am depressed about getting gray hair before I anticipated it, I have been really thinking this week about making sure each minute of my life counts for something.  I don't mean that I have to run around like crazy trying to make an impact on every person I see.  I mean that I want to do things that matter - like spending more quality time with my kids, or encouraging someone who is down, or smiling at a random stranger.  How much time do we really have in this life?  Is worth it to work ourselves to the bone and not take time to appreciate the finer things?  I tend not to think so.  That's why you'll often find dishes from yesterday sitting in my sink.  I'd rather play with my baby, or cuddle with my husband after work, or write my novel.  Dishes will still be there (but seriously, don't let them pile up until you have none left to use...that's just annoying).  My goal is to do at least one thing every day that matters to me, and to work on those relationships in my life that are important.  When it all comes down to it, what else are we here for really, if not to have relationships?  We're certainly not here to become millionaires, or acquire things.  We have been given life because we are meant to live it.  I suppose a few gray hairs don't really matter in the grand scheme of things...but they make me think nonetheless.

PS - I hope you like my Anti-Aging Hair Rescue plug...something I might actually try!  Well, maybe not, but that's my attempt to be a little humorous.