Today will probably go down as one of the worst I have had in a very long time. I can't form a coherent thought that isn't attached to some kind of over the top emotion. I can't keep my eyes open. I can't eat, drink, sit, stand, anything. I'm a mess! And you know what it all boils down to? Not sleeping.
Okay, so I've written before about my relationship with sleep. I don't get enough, and I am very well aware of it. I feel it. I rely on caffeine and being stupidly busy to make me forget my tiredness, but it is always there in the back of my mind. It's pretty bad when you can't sit down without your eyes closing. It's even worse when you're falling asleep while your child reads to you, or when you're trying to have a conversation. Today is the culmination of something in my life that is going to eventually destroy my attempts at healthy living. I literally did not sleep last night. I laid in bed with my eyes closed for hours upon hours, attempting to shut off my brain. If I did slip into a little bit of a snooze, I dreamed about what my mind was churning over and I woke up promptly. Then the alarm went off at 5:15 a.m. to send my husband to work, and I realized I had lain awake the entire night. Luckily, I did sleep between 5:30 and 7:00 a.m. but was awoken as soon as my alarm went off, which is a good sign it wasn't a deep sleep.
Today I am wrecked. Because I am so exhausted (which is an understatement), my emotions are at an all time "crazy". This is how I get when I'm tired. Any little thing that happens to me affects me so much more profoundly because of my tiredness. I am a very emotional person, and so feeling things more intensely is definitely difficult. If I'm sad, which today I admittedly am, it consumes my thoughts entirely. It affects me more than just in an emotional way. My sadness will permeate everything around me, much more than it usually would. I can't hide it when I'm tired.
As if that's not bad enough, my body reacts to this little sleep terribly too (um, yeah, of course!). Today I have eaten a piece of fruit and a bun. I have had one cup of coffee, and not until about 1:00 p.m. because the thought of it made me want to vomit. Making toast for my kids this morning made my stomach flip. I couldn't stand up without insane nausea. And no, I'm not sick or pregnant. I have just slept too little in the past few months, and last night threw me over the edge. I really need to change something.
Moral of the story? Get some sleep. Seriously.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Ups and Downs
Ups and downs; we all have them. I have them several times a day, as a matter of fact. I have them emotionally (it doesn't take a whole lot to set me off, especially lately for some reason), and I have them physically. Since my post in February about losing 52 pounds, I have had many ups and downs on the scale. But it has actually made me quite aware of what I have to do to maintain a healthy weight and a healthy body.
Over the summer, I gained a few pounds. The scale was at about 164 - 165 after a month of moving stress, among other things. I could see it in the mirror. I could feel it in my clothes. I was super unhappy about it. But, it has since come off and I am sticking to around 160, which seems to be my go-to weight. Now, while I can see where another ten pounds would be good to drop, I don't feel unhappy about this. I am so proud that I have been able to maintain a weight within ten pounds of what I consider the ideal weight for my body, and I am super comfortable in my skin right now. I look in the mirror, and honest to goodness, I like what I see. I am happy with myself, with my body, with my health. I don't deny myself the little indulgences that I crave, I eat a generally very healthy diet (though sometimes I forget to eat lunch, still) and I feel pretty good. The only complaint I have is in the energy department, which is due to lack of sleep, and I know it. I have a love/hate relationship with sleep, and I definitely need to remedy that problem.
So I have had minor ups and downs on the scale this year, but they have never gone up more than ten pounds, and have always come back down to something more reasonable for me. Of that, I am incredibly proud. I am certain of myself, and of my ability to be at a healthy weight for the rest of my life. I can't say that I will never be heavy again because I still battle with my emotional eating problem, but I can say that I value myself enough to know that I will always work to be healthy. I love myself enough to take care of myself, both physically and emotionally. Happiness is a choice (stole that phrase from someone, but it's true). And, instead of looking at my ups and downs with a negative perspective, I choose to be proud, happy and certain of myself.
Over the summer, I gained a few pounds. The scale was at about 164 - 165 after a month of moving stress, among other things. I could see it in the mirror. I could feel it in my clothes. I was super unhappy about it. But, it has since come off and I am sticking to around 160, which seems to be my go-to weight. Now, while I can see where another ten pounds would be good to drop, I don't feel unhappy about this. I am so proud that I have been able to maintain a weight within ten pounds of what I consider the ideal weight for my body, and I am super comfortable in my skin right now. I look in the mirror, and honest to goodness, I like what I see. I am happy with myself, with my body, with my health. I don't deny myself the little indulgences that I crave, I eat a generally very healthy diet (though sometimes I forget to eat lunch, still) and I feel pretty good. The only complaint I have is in the energy department, which is due to lack of sleep, and I know it. I have a love/hate relationship with sleep, and I definitely need to remedy that problem.
So I have had minor ups and downs on the scale this year, but they have never gone up more than ten pounds, and have always come back down to something more reasonable for me. Of that, I am incredibly proud. I am certain of myself, and of my ability to be at a healthy weight for the rest of my life. I can't say that I will never be heavy again because I still battle with my emotional eating problem, but I can say that I value myself enough to know that I will always work to be healthy. I love myself enough to take care of myself, both physically and emotionally. Happiness is a choice (stole that phrase from someone, but it's true). And, instead of looking at my ups and downs with a negative perspective, I choose to be proud, happy and certain of myself.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Being Open
I've dug myself into a sort of hole in the last while. In the last year, I have retreated inside myself, and held everyone around me at arm's length. I have had very few occasions where I felt like I could relax and just be myself. If you've read my posts all year, you know that it's been a trying time. Now, I have been trying to take a step back and examine my behavior to figure out what I need to do to change that. And, things have been changing for me in a significant way.
It wasn't a conscious choice, to open up to other people. This isn't something I do easily. My husband is the closest relationship I have, and I will sometimes even hold back from him (though he doesn't really let me, so that's a quality I appreciate in him). I have some very wonderful friends, but I hold back pieces of myself from them too. My family, who've known me since I was born; I hold back from them too. I tend to keep a part of myself reserved - always have. For one reason or another, I always have the thought in the back of my mind: "Why on earth would this person care to know about me?" or "What reason could they possibly have to want to be around me?" Perhaps it is the self-loathing that permeated my teenage life coming back to haunt me, perhaps it is just that I was told so many times I wasn't good enough that I started to believe it. Not that I still do, but parts of your past tend to tug at you once in a while. But lately, though self doubt clouds it, I have been able to actually open up with people. I have been able to share myself without the reservation. It might be because for once in my life, I am comfortable with someone other than my husband. Or maybe it's because I am at a point in my journey where I am actually comfortable with myself. I can't really explain it; I just know that it is a good thing.
There is always a risk in opening up to another person. There is risk of getting hurt, risk of being embarrassed, risk of vulnerability. These are risks I don't tend to take. I can be a very social person in the right setting, but this is because I have worked really hard to overcome my shyness and awkwardness. I am not naturally outgoing. In truth, people scare me. I don't like getting hurt, but at the same time, I can't and don't live my life alone. I greatly value my solitude, but I don't want a life of it. In the past few weeks, I have been remembering exactly what it is like to be really open, regardless of the risk. And if I'm being honest, it scares the crap out of me.
Being open with others is so important. What I need to remember is that I do have something to give; that I have qualities people like, and that there are people out there who actually want to know me. It's been a completely new experience for me, not holding back at least a little, and though it scares me, I think I like it. It's a very freeing feeling, and something I've not actually had in a very long time. I don't think we are meant to live alone, barricading our hearts from the world. Though people hurt each other, it's so valuable to let others in, and take the chance that maybe they could have a positive impact on you. Relationships are about the most important thing in life. Honestly, why are we here if not to have relationships? I definitely believe we are not here to just work, make money and get good jobs.
Does anyone else do this? Do you hold parts of yourself back from others because you fear the inevitable hurt that comes along with vulnerability? Though there is always risk when you open up to others, the payoff is so worth it. To feel free, to be able to truly be yourself, to be able to let others see the real you - that's the prize. Because you have something people want to see. So share.
It wasn't a conscious choice, to open up to other people. This isn't something I do easily. My husband is the closest relationship I have, and I will sometimes even hold back from him (though he doesn't really let me, so that's a quality I appreciate in him). I have some very wonderful friends, but I hold back pieces of myself from them too. My family, who've known me since I was born; I hold back from them too. I tend to keep a part of myself reserved - always have. For one reason or another, I always have the thought in the back of my mind: "Why on earth would this person care to know about me?" or "What reason could they possibly have to want to be around me?" Perhaps it is the self-loathing that permeated my teenage life coming back to haunt me, perhaps it is just that I was told so many times I wasn't good enough that I started to believe it. Not that I still do, but parts of your past tend to tug at you once in a while. But lately, though self doubt clouds it, I have been able to actually open up with people. I have been able to share myself without the reservation. It might be because for once in my life, I am comfortable with someone other than my husband. Or maybe it's because I am at a point in my journey where I am actually comfortable with myself. I can't really explain it; I just know that it is a good thing.
There is always a risk in opening up to another person. There is risk of getting hurt, risk of being embarrassed, risk of vulnerability. These are risks I don't tend to take. I can be a very social person in the right setting, but this is because I have worked really hard to overcome my shyness and awkwardness. I am not naturally outgoing. In truth, people scare me. I don't like getting hurt, but at the same time, I can't and don't live my life alone. I greatly value my solitude, but I don't want a life of it. In the past few weeks, I have been remembering exactly what it is like to be really open, regardless of the risk. And if I'm being honest, it scares the crap out of me.
Being open with others is so important. What I need to remember is that I do have something to give; that I have qualities people like, and that there are people out there who actually want to know me. It's been a completely new experience for me, not holding back at least a little, and though it scares me, I think I like it. It's a very freeing feeling, and something I've not actually had in a very long time. I don't think we are meant to live alone, barricading our hearts from the world. Though people hurt each other, it's so valuable to let others in, and take the chance that maybe they could have a positive impact on you. Relationships are about the most important thing in life. Honestly, why are we here if not to have relationships? I definitely believe we are not here to just work, make money and get good jobs.
Does anyone else do this? Do you hold parts of yourself back from others because you fear the inevitable hurt that comes along with vulnerability? Though there is always risk when you open up to others, the payoff is so worth it. To feel free, to be able to truly be yourself, to be able to let others see the real you - that's the prize. Because you have something people want to see. So share.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Feeling Peace
This morning I awoke feeling anxious. I had worry in the back of my mind, and I just couldn't shake it. I couldn't put my anxiety into words; I just felt it.
I did something this morning that I haven't done in a long time. I prayed. I sometimes forget the therapeutic nature of prayer. Whether you are praying because you believe in a higher power, or because you just need to tell the universe what's what, it is an incredibly cathartic experience. It allows us to unload those worries, anxieties, hurts, and any other feeling that isn't easily abated. So, I prayed a lot this morning. I kind of had a running dialogue with the God I think is listening, explaining my anxiety and the reasons for it. I didn't have to put many words to it, I just felt in the direction of my prayer.
At precisely 11:15 (I know this because I was looking at the oven clock while preparing lunch), an immense feeling of peace came over me. It was so overwhelming I actually cried. My anxiety, while the reasons for it are still there, is completely gone. I feel happy, joyful, peaceful. It's a pretty crazy feeling, considering I have a house full of kids (who at the moment are taking a much needed nap/quiet time) and a mountain of work awaiting me. My smile comes very easily right now.
I don't know the reason for this peace, but I am incredibly grateful. In my life, though I often portray a peaceful front to those looking in, most of the time I feel everything but. My family and people close to me can attest to that. I am very, very good at appearing happy and peaceful when on the inside I am full of stress. I am very good at faking it, but at this moment, I really don't have to. It's a strange feeling!
And so, I am happy to share with you my peace, and I wish you all some too. I don't know how long it will last as the stressors in my life are most definitely not gone, but while I have it, I'm going to enjoy it.
Have a lovely day!
I did something this morning that I haven't done in a long time. I prayed. I sometimes forget the therapeutic nature of prayer. Whether you are praying because you believe in a higher power, or because you just need to tell the universe what's what, it is an incredibly cathartic experience. It allows us to unload those worries, anxieties, hurts, and any other feeling that isn't easily abated. So, I prayed a lot this morning. I kind of had a running dialogue with the God I think is listening, explaining my anxiety and the reasons for it. I didn't have to put many words to it, I just felt in the direction of my prayer.
At precisely 11:15 (I know this because I was looking at the oven clock while preparing lunch), an immense feeling of peace came over me. It was so overwhelming I actually cried. My anxiety, while the reasons for it are still there, is completely gone. I feel happy, joyful, peaceful. It's a pretty crazy feeling, considering I have a house full of kids (who at the moment are taking a much needed nap/quiet time) and a mountain of work awaiting me. My smile comes very easily right now.
I don't know the reason for this peace, but I am incredibly grateful. In my life, though I often portray a peaceful front to those looking in, most of the time I feel everything but. My family and people close to me can attest to that. I am very, very good at appearing happy and peaceful when on the inside I am full of stress. I am very good at faking it, but at this moment, I really don't have to. It's a strange feeling!
And so, I am happy to share with you my peace, and I wish you all some too. I don't know how long it will last as the stressors in my life are most definitely not gone, but while I have it, I'm going to enjoy it.
Have a lovely day!
Monday, September 26, 2011
My baby girl turns two in a week.
I can't believe how fast this first two years of her life has gone! I know I must sound like a broken record, but it kind of blows my mind that she is such a little girl now. There is very little baby left in her, and while I am sort of sad that she is growing so fast, I am absolutely fascinated by the little person she is becoming. She is a feisty little thing, and though at almost two, she weighs maybe 23 or 24 pounds (a high estimate). Even though she is small, she can most certainly defend herself, and is incredibly spirited. But she is so, so sweet and I can't get enough of her sometimes.
And now we're onto learning how to share and peeing on the potty. We're into Dora the Explorer, Thomas the Train, painting, coloring on absolutely everything and her favorite, gluing. "I want to glue Mommy" is a phrase I hear very often. Even right now, she is saying, "I just wanna paint," and "We're going to paint later." She is so aware of herself and her surroundings that I find it quite astounding some days. They say that often the second child is quieter than the first, but in my case, they both give each other a run for their money. Her vocabulary is crazy, and pretty much anyone can tell what she is saying most of the time.
So, what to do with myself now that my baby is not a baby? Many mothers start wanting more babies right about now. For me, that's definitely not the case. I have no desire whatsoever to have another child. I am incredibly content with my two girls, and to be honest, I don't EVER want to be pregnant again. Not that it was difficult, or terrible, but I am just over it. I'm ready to move on. I love older kids too; in fact, my first choice as a teacher was to teach adolescents, so you know where my head is at there. I love babies, toddlers and preschoolers, but I also love big kids too!
As I count down the last week of my little firecracker being a 1 year old, I think about how much I have been blessed and how amazing it is that I have these two children. My first baby was a total surprise, a beautiful gift I loved as soon as I knew she existed; my second child was planned and purposed. I wanted her before she was even conceived, and these two years have been amazing.
Wow, I am so blessed.
PS - Her phrase at this moment is, "Who's kicking your butt?" Random thing she picked up from her big sister no doubt.
I can't believe how fast this first two years of her life has gone! I know I must sound like a broken record, but it kind of blows my mind that she is such a little girl now. There is very little baby left in her, and while I am sort of sad that she is growing so fast, I am absolutely fascinated by the little person she is becoming. She is a feisty little thing, and though at almost two, she weighs maybe 23 or 24 pounds (a high estimate). Even though she is small, she can most certainly defend herself, and is incredibly spirited. But she is so, so sweet and I can't get enough of her sometimes.
And now we're onto learning how to share and peeing on the potty. We're into Dora the Explorer, Thomas the Train, painting, coloring on absolutely everything and her favorite, gluing. "I want to glue Mommy" is a phrase I hear very often. Even right now, she is saying, "I just wanna paint," and "We're going to paint later." She is so aware of herself and her surroundings that I find it quite astounding some days. They say that often the second child is quieter than the first, but in my case, they both give each other a run for their money. Her vocabulary is crazy, and pretty much anyone can tell what she is saying most of the time.
So, what to do with myself now that my baby is not a baby? Many mothers start wanting more babies right about now. For me, that's definitely not the case. I have no desire whatsoever to have another child. I am incredibly content with my two girls, and to be honest, I don't EVER want to be pregnant again. Not that it was difficult, or terrible, but I am just over it. I'm ready to move on. I love older kids too; in fact, my first choice as a teacher was to teach adolescents, so you know where my head is at there. I love babies, toddlers and preschoolers, but I also love big kids too!
As I count down the last week of my little firecracker being a 1 year old, I think about how much I have been blessed and how amazing it is that I have these two children. My first baby was a total surprise, a beautiful gift I loved as soon as I knew she existed; my second child was planned and purposed. I wanted her before she was even conceived, and these two years have been amazing.
Wow, I am so blessed.
PS - Her phrase at this moment is, "Who's kicking your butt?" Random thing she picked up from her big sister no doubt.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Burdens
I have a tendency to make everything a job. It's how I function. If I can look at something as a job, as a task that must get done, then it will actually get done. I had a talk with my husband last night which made me realize that I am also doing this in my home life. I have (without really realizing it) made taking care of my kids, being a wife, keeping my home - all of it a job. To others looking in, they may think that I view my kids as a burden, because it's all business. Brush your teeth, comb your hair, eat your supper, have a bath; all on an airtight schedule.
Truth is, sometimes I do feel this way. It was never a conscious decision. It just happened. In a life where if I don't do things, they don't get done, I have made even caring for my family a job, a burden. That makes me feel really awful. My kids are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, and I absolutely adore them. They are difficult, exhausting and demanding, but they also give me a level of fulfillment I haven't ever felt elsewhere. It's easy to lose sight of that fact. If you've been reading, you know that for the past year, I have been doing most of the kid and house related stuff by myself, because my husband has been working full time and going to school, leaving me to fend for myself on the homefront. I am so used to it, that now that he's done school and home evenings, I feel off-put when he helps out.
Talk about ridiculous! Have you ever felt this way? I have made this space, these responsibilities, my job. It is my territory, my domain, and when he comes in and does the dishes or gives my little one a bath, I am actually annoyed. Ummmm, backwards? Yes, definitely backwards. But, on the other hand, I have been wishing for the past year that I didn't have to do it all alone. So what's going on in my brain?
Here it is - I have made running my home a source of validation. When I can go to bed at night having accomplished all my daily tasks, I feel good. I feel like I did my job, and no one can tell me it's impossible. When someone takes a task away from me, it's like they are taking away some of my value in my home domain. Now that I have been able to take a step back and realize that this is happening, I hope I can step out of it. I don't want to be the one who absolutely has to do everything. I don't want to be in control of every little thing (well, actually I do, but that's another issue completely), because that causes me a great deal of anxiety.
So, I realize now that I just have to stop and enjoy those moments with my kids that are special, even if it's against my schedule. I don't have to always follow a schedule! What's the worst that can happen? I have to do something later? Okay, Dara, get over it. While raising kids and running a home is an immense job, it doesn't have to feel like it all the time. Kids are amazing, and sometimes I forget that.
Thanks so much to those special people in my life right now who helped me realize this. I am so blessed to have people around who care about me enough to tell me the truth.
Truth is, sometimes I do feel this way. It was never a conscious decision. It just happened. In a life where if I don't do things, they don't get done, I have made even caring for my family a job, a burden. That makes me feel really awful. My kids are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, and I absolutely adore them. They are difficult, exhausting and demanding, but they also give me a level of fulfillment I haven't ever felt elsewhere. It's easy to lose sight of that fact. If you've been reading, you know that for the past year, I have been doing most of the kid and house related stuff by myself, because my husband has been working full time and going to school, leaving me to fend for myself on the homefront. I am so used to it, that now that he's done school and home evenings, I feel off-put when he helps out.
Talk about ridiculous! Have you ever felt this way? I have made this space, these responsibilities, my job. It is my territory, my domain, and when he comes in and does the dishes or gives my little one a bath, I am actually annoyed. Ummmm, backwards? Yes, definitely backwards. But, on the other hand, I have been wishing for the past year that I didn't have to do it all alone. So what's going on in my brain?
Here it is - I have made running my home a source of validation. When I can go to bed at night having accomplished all my daily tasks, I feel good. I feel like I did my job, and no one can tell me it's impossible. When someone takes a task away from me, it's like they are taking away some of my value in my home domain. Now that I have been able to take a step back and realize that this is happening, I hope I can step out of it. I don't want to be the one who absolutely has to do everything. I don't want to be in control of every little thing (well, actually I do, but that's another issue completely), because that causes me a great deal of anxiety.
So, I realize now that I just have to stop and enjoy those moments with my kids that are special, even if it's against my schedule. I don't have to always follow a schedule! What's the worst that can happen? I have to do something later? Okay, Dara, get over it. While raising kids and running a home is an immense job, it doesn't have to feel like it all the time. Kids are amazing, and sometimes I forget that.
Thanks so much to those special people in my life right now who helped me realize this. I am so blessed to have people around who care about me enough to tell me the truth.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
I know I said I was taking a hiatus, but...
I know I said I wouldn't be back until October, but I had an experience this past weekend I just have to blog about.
I have let a part of myself die, or at the very least, go dormant for a while. I have been so busy taking care of everyone else, that I have forgotten one of the most important things about myself. I lost my laugh.
I used to laugh a lot. Despite all the things in my life that tried to get me down when I was younger, I still held onto my ability to have fun. Well, lately I have seriously lacked fun. I have been so wrapped up in my responsibilities and dozens of jobs that this part of myself has taken a back seat. This past weekend, I rediscovered my laugh, and a few other things that I have lost.
This weekend I took Friday and Monday off to celebrate my good friend's thirtieth birthday in Kelowna, BC. It's been a long time since I was able to get away without my kids, and I must say, it was nice to be responsible for no one but myself. The girls I spent the weekend with really helped me gain perspective on a few things in my life. Some of the girls I've known since I was a kid, some I feel like I have but actually just met. I had forgotten how amazing it is to just let loose with people you care about and trust. I felt comfortable instantly (I am often uncomfortable in unfamiliar situations), and I realized just how much I needed to reconnect with amazing friends.
Today, I am feeling the effects of my crazy weekend. I am fairly certain I slept about six or seven hours in the entire four days, but that isn't what is affecting me. I danced all night in heels and sustained some serious injuries to my big toes (pretty sure I'll be losing my toenails), but that's not the biggest thing. The hugest effect I am still feeling from an awesome weekend full of memorable moments is the sore muscles in my stomach from all the laughter. I haven't laughed so hard for so long in literally years, and it felt good! And while my body is certainly protesting that I am not as young as I used to be, what I am going to take from this whole thing is that I need to continue to reconnect with friends, and stay in touch with that part of me who loves to laugh.
For so long now, my life has been all business. While I certainly appreciate all the wonderful things I have, I dearly miss my fun self. From the moment I wake up in the morning until the moment I hit the pillow to go back to bed, I work. I work at taking care of my kids and my family. I work at my job, I work at my fitness, I work at my health. I work at my writing and at pretty much everything else I do. This weekend I remembered what it was like to just let life happen, to savor it, to simply enjoy the company of some wonderful people without having to work so hard. I don't have to work for these people to like and accept me - they just do. I don't have to prove a single thing to them, because they are my friends and most of them have been since I was a kid (and one I feel like I have known for my whole life even though I just met her on Friday...you know who you are!). I lose myself so easily in the crushing pressure of this life I have built, and I was reminded this weekend that I need to take that part of me back, and nurture it from time to time. I need to remember that I don't have to kill myself with work, and that life is allowed to just happen, and that's okay.
Thanks girls for an amazing weekend!
I have let a part of myself die, or at the very least, go dormant for a while. I have been so busy taking care of everyone else, that I have forgotten one of the most important things about myself. I lost my laugh.
I used to laugh a lot. Despite all the things in my life that tried to get me down when I was younger, I still held onto my ability to have fun. Well, lately I have seriously lacked fun. I have been so wrapped up in my responsibilities and dozens of jobs that this part of myself has taken a back seat. This past weekend, I rediscovered my laugh, and a few other things that I have lost.
This weekend I took Friday and Monday off to celebrate my good friend's thirtieth birthday in Kelowna, BC. It's been a long time since I was able to get away without my kids, and I must say, it was nice to be responsible for no one but myself. The girls I spent the weekend with really helped me gain perspective on a few things in my life. Some of the girls I've known since I was a kid, some I feel like I have but actually just met. I had forgotten how amazing it is to just let loose with people you care about and trust. I felt comfortable instantly (I am often uncomfortable in unfamiliar situations), and I realized just how much I needed to reconnect with amazing friends.
Today, I am feeling the effects of my crazy weekend. I am fairly certain I slept about six or seven hours in the entire four days, but that isn't what is affecting me. I danced all night in heels and sustained some serious injuries to my big toes (pretty sure I'll be losing my toenails), but that's not the biggest thing. The hugest effect I am still feeling from an awesome weekend full of memorable moments is the sore muscles in my stomach from all the laughter. I haven't laughed so hard for so long in literally years, and it felt good! And while my body is certainly protesting that I am not as young as I used to be, what I am going to take from this whole thing is that I need to continue to reconnect with friends, and stay in touch with that part of me who loves to laugh.
For so long now, my life has been all business. While I certainly appreciate all the wonderful things I have, I dearly miss my fun self. From the moment I wake up in the morning until the moment I hit the pillow to go back to bed, I work. I work at taking care of my kids and my family. I work at my job, I work at my fitness, I work at my health. I work at my writing and at pretty much everything else I do. This weekend I remembered what it was like to just let life happen, to savor it, to simply enjoy the company of some wonderful people without having to work so hard. I don't have to work for these people to like and accept me - they just do. I don't have to prove a single thing to them, because they are my friends and most of them have been since I was a kid (and one I feel like I have known for my whole life even though I just met her on Friday...you know who you are!). I lose myself so easily in the crushing pressure of this life I have built, and I was reminded this weekend that I need to take that part of me back, and nurture it from time to time. I need to remember that I don't have to kill myself with work, and that life is allowed to just happen, and that's okay.
Thanks girls for an amazing weekend!
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