Christmas! Craziness!

It feels like forever since I posted here!  I have been ridiculously busy (well, it's December, haven't we all?).  I can't believe Christmas is less than a week away.  It's a little surreal.  I've been anticipating it this year, trying to be ready before the day of, trying to be organized and all of that, but to my intense chagrin, I am none of the above.  I just got home from buying mountains of stocking stuffers, and I don't think I have everything I need for everyone just yet.  Not that it's that big of a deal, but, the perfectionist in me just wants everything I want.  I know that if certain things don't make their way under the tree this year, it will be alright.  The world will not end.  The kids will still be happy.  We will all be together, and that's the greatest gift of all.

This Christmas is extra special for me this year (and for all of us).  I'm sure I have mentioned before that my sister moved in with us this August, and this is our first Christmas morning together since we were kids.  I'm so excited!  I find that I have to stop and pinch myself once in a while (figuratively...I wouldn't actually pinch myself...ouch!) so that I know all the amazing things in my life are actually real.  Things I have wanted for so long are finally happening, and the payoff is fantastic.  I love that both my girls get the whole Christmas thing now, I love that this will be my eleventh Christmas with my husband, and we are still crazy about each other, I love that I have so many people to see and so many things to do this holiday season.  It's going to be a mad rush until the new year now, but it's so worth it.  We'll be traveling and traveling and visiting, eating, cooking, laughing, not sleeping...but it will be worth every single moment.  These are the kinds of times that create memories that last forever.  I feel a stupid lot of stress about everything, but at the same time, I am elated about every single thing happening right now.  I love Christmas! 

Some of my most vivid and special memories happened at Christmas.  I remember my mom always picking out the cutest Charlie Brown Christmas trees, and the whole family taking a day to decorate it while we listened to her favorite Christmas music (Neil Diamond...a tradition I continue because I love it).  I remember huge family gatherings at Grandma's house, and later at my aunts' houses with all of my cousins and it being crazy hectic to get us all in the same room for a picture.  I remember the huge stockings my mom made for our family - my sister still has hers and it's hanging up next to the tree.  I remember the smell of her baking, and condensed milk, and candied fruit, sugar and chocolate.  I remember quiche and mimosas for breakfast (of course, we kids just had orange juice), and there always being one special thing under the tree that stayed unwrapped for us to find right away.  I remember my mom's laughter as she lived Christmas spirit through the whole season. This time of year is the stuff that makes all that warmth continue to live on in us.  This time of year is where some of my most poignant memories have been formed, and I hope to give the same thing to my own kids now. 

I hope my kids will remember Christmas as the time when we saw everyone; the time when we made a point to spend quality time with the people we love, with family, friends and each other.  I want them to remember the sound of Neil Diamond blaring as we drink hot chocolate and decorate the tree.  I hope they remember smiles, laughter, the smell of turkey and baking gingerbread men.  I hope they remember the love that drips from each moment of Christmas. 

I hope you create some special memories this Christmas!  Merry Christmas everyone!

Life, Moments, and the Journey

Isn't life weird?  I mean, honestly, are you where you envisioned yourself ten years ago?  I know I'm not.  I am not even close to where I planned I would be, but, I am happy.  But that's beside the point.  My point is that life is strange.  It takes you so many different places, and if you're not present in the proverbial "now" you'll miss out on the journey.  And that's what it's all about now, isn't it?  The journey?  I'm sure many would say that the destination is what matters, not how you got there, but the getting there is the best part.  Getting there is how you grow and learn.  Getting there is full of twists and turns, love and heartache, tears, pain, joy, sorrow, exuberance...you get the idea.  The journey to our final destination, whatever and wherever that may be, is what we call life.  So, if you're focusing only on your goal, your end, your destination, then, are you living?  Are you really finding those moments in life that make it worth being alive?

I am a planner.  My whole life I've been someone who looks ahead to the next great thing.  I look for destinations, I set goals, I take steps and I reach them.  I am impatient for the passing of time.  I am always imagining what it will be like when I reach said goals.  But the thing is, that when I actually get there, I am rarely satisfied and always planning for that next thing.  What is up with that?  I am an achiever, yes.  But I have to just stop sometimes and see right now for what it is.  Right now is made up of all those amazing moments that make life.  And, in very little time, life can completely change.  I've seen this time and time again.  In the blink of an eye, life changes.  Like when someone you love passes on to their next life.  Or when you fall in love.  For me, these two tings have certainly happened, more than once.  Life is never the same after such an event.  When my mom passed away, obviously, my life changed utterly and completely.  Since then, I have seen many people pass on from this life, and each time, I have been changed irreparably.  Life is not the same without the people you care about in it.

Falling in love is also one of those complete life changers, and for me, it's generally a knee jerk reaction.  When I was a kid, I loved so many people fiercely and intensely, and each time, it was like I was punched in the gut one moment.  I still carry that love with me to this day.  It will never go away.  Ever.  It still happens like that.  Within two weeks of casually dating my husband, I knew I was completely in love with him.  I even remember saying, out loud, that I would marry him.  And I did.  It's like that with friends too.  When I meet someone I connect with, it's instant.  For my part, I usually know who I am going to be close with and who I am not going to pursue a relationship with.  In the past five years, it's definitely been a tricky thing for me, but I have begun opening up a lot more to the people around me and I'm just falling in love with people all over again, or for the first time.  It's just as intense and fierce as it ever was.  My heart is like, "Hi, I'm Dara.  And, I will love you forever.  So there."  It's a funny thing.  But if I hadn't taken time out of my planned, busy, scheduled life, I would never have had opportunity to meet either my husband or my dear friends who I cherish so much.  Does that make sense?  It's taking a few moments to stop, and look at what is around you.  It's seeing the journey, and adding things to it that make it so rich.

The richness of life is absolutely astounding.  I am always flat broke, but I have so much more than money.  I am incredibly wealthy!  I sometimes forget; I get so wrapped up in the schedule and the goals (like how I'm stupidly impatient about getting my Master's) that I can miss those special moments that make life, the wonderful journey that it is, worth while.  Like those magic moments I talked about in my last post, it's the journey that you're on right now that makes life.  While we have to adhere to the 9-5 life our society has put in place, to a certain extent anyway, we can still take notice of the journey we're on and make sure we're making it worth while.  I struggle sometimes with the fact that I want to be taking my Master's, moving into writing in a more professional capacity, teaching at colleges and universities etcetera, but I know that the life I am living right at this moment is insanely rich.  What's more is that the richness just keeps on getting deeper and more vast with each new relationship I make (or re-make, as the case may be), with each moment I spend with my children, my husband, my sister, my father, my family, my dear friends...I could go on and on.  You get the idea.

So my friends, here's to the journey.  This life we've been given is insanely awesome, full of good and bad, full of happy and sad, anger, and joy.  Don't miss it by only being able to focus on the future.  While I am certainly in favor of planning for your future, setting goals and taking steps to get what you want and go where you want, I also recognize how important it is to take stock of your journey from time to time, and to make sure you're making the most of each moment.  When the moment is gone, all that is left is a memory.  Make it a good and lasting one.

Building Dreams

Have you ever taken a look at your life and realized that you just want more?  I've been doing this for as long as I've been writing this blog, and indeed for my whole life.  I can't remember a time when I didn't want something more, something further, something bigger.  I am always striving for bigger and better things, and quite frankly, I am exhausted, frustrated and I don't have time.  It's hard when you can't have what you want when you want it.  Waiting, as you know, is not my strength.

Yesterday I started looking into Master's programs at various universities around me.  The first thing I thought of was Athabasca University, because it is all online and suits my lifestyle.  If I could do an online program, I could still work and could possibly even start sooner than I had anticipated.  I have at least 3 years before my two year old starts school, and so I had resigned myself to the fact that I'd have to wait at least that long.  But I started to get my hopes up thinking that if I could do something online, I could just take one course at a time until I have more free time.

My hopes were crushed when I discovered Athabasca doesn't have what I'm looking for.  They have integrated degrees, where you get a more well rounded approach and have to take courses outside your field of study.  This is something I definitely don't want.  I want my M.A. in English, and I don't want to take anything else.  I have already done that!  I attended at liberal arts university for my B.A. and I took plenty of courses that had nothing to do with English, thank you very much.  I am not going back to school just to get a piece of paper.  I am going back because I have a serious love affair with the written word and I just need more of it in my life.  I want to be immersed in it, spend hours in old libraries smelling the worn pages of old books and just write.  So, it looks like this dream is still on hold.  I am in no position to do an on campus program right now, and besides, I just don't have the time just yet.  It's frustrating!

I just want!  This dream of going back to school has been growing in my gut for a while now, but with each passing day it is becoming more and more tangible.  I know that three years will go by quickly, but honestly, I am just so impatient!  I have a long road ahead of me.  I don't just want a Master's degree; I want a Doctorate as well, and I know that one is way out of my reach, especially from where I am now.  I look at my life, what I am doing, and what I want and it all seems so incongruent.  I am immersed in early childhood education, babies, babies, babies and being a homemaker.  I've written before about how I really didn't see myself in this position, and how it has been difficult coming to terms with where I am as opposed to where I want to be.  I still feel this way, but I also understand that this is the time I am in, and that is okay.  But I still want more, and I always will.

Aside from all this dreaming of going back to school, I have been doing A LOT of writing, which makes my heart so happy.  I have been working on two separate writing/editing projects, and I have been inspired lately to write more poetry, which in the world of literature is my first love.  Here's a link to my other blog where I am exploring some of that work: http://darasotherside.blogspot.com/ 

The important thing I need to keep in mind when I am going crazy with all this wanting is that I will have it when the time comes.  For now, I realize that I need to be in the present, watching my kids grow and mature and caring for them the best way I know how.  Building dreams keeps me motivated and sane, and helps me remember that I am still my own person in the midst of all these little people and household chores.  So, what's your dream?  Are you pursuing it today?  Or are you like me, waiting, and watching the clock?

Finding the Magic

I have a bad habit of getting wrapped up in the small crises in my life.  At this point, I find that I am easily stressed, and I realize I need some better ways of coping.  My stress doesn't just affect me.  I have my kids, my family, and my day home to think about when I am trying to deal with it.  And believe me, it takes a lot of effort sometimes.  I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about.

So lately I have been trying to take a step outside of myself a little more often.  I have been trying to notice things that make me smile, or calm me down or make me think of something other than my stress.  I have been attempting to find those magic moments throughout my day that make all this craziness I call life worth while.

There are so many moments throughout the day that can get lost if I let them.  If I let my tunnel vision get the best of me, I miss the sweet stuff.  Like a couple weeks ago, my two year old started the day off with a song and dance, accompanied by purposeful falling down and cheering.  She did it for about five minutes straight, and I am so glad I didn't miss it.  I actually recorded it, and watching it again and again makes my heart warm.  It was the sweetest, funniest little moment, and it totally made my morning.  It was magical.

There are so many magic moments if we just stop and try to see them.  In my life, the things that stress me tend to crowd out those amazing little life moments, but I am more determined than ever to see them through it all.  It takes purposeful looking.  So, I purposefully look.  I am not perfect at this, but I do try.  It is a process, and something I have to train myself to do.  For example, the other day my two year old and a child in my day home were playing with moonsand at the table.  I knew going in that my daughter was going to make a huge mess (I can't stand messes, and it makes me crazy when my kids are messy, but they are kids, so I have to chill), and I told myself that going in.  I gave her a very small amount of sand, hoping that it would make clean up later on a little easier.  Not the case.  She got the stuff everywhere.  And I don't just mean all over the floor.  She thought it would be a good idea to rub it on her cheeks, put it in her mouth, hair, and just generally grind it into every exposed piece of skin.  If you've ever seen moonsand, you know it's not regular sand that you can just brush off.  It sticks together when pressed and you can actually build things with it - and I found out that it's difficult to wipe off of a toddler's cheeks when she has rubbed it in so vigorously.  As I was beginning to get really frustrated and annoyed at myself for allowing her to play with this stuff (because really, it wasn't her fault), I had to just stop and look at her face.  It was covered in red sand and looked hilarious.  She was so, so cute.  That's a little bit of magic right there.  She was just so precious sitting there covered in sand and smirking.

Another example from my two year old involves yet another mess.  I don't know if I have adequately expressed how much I hate messes, but it causes me a great deal of anxiety...I don't know why.  We were eating out, and had had a very long day.  A friend had come to meet us and this was her first experience with my kids.  Of course, when you want them to behave, they just don't.  My little toddler, in her delirious exhaustion, took her juice box and squeezed it onto her head.  It pooled all over the bench and into her jeans (which she had to sit in the whole two hour drive home because I didn't pack spares).  It got all over her and all over everything else.  At this point, I was freaking out on the inside.  I was also pretty tired, and just didn't have the energy to deal with her craziness.  I made a decision at that moment to see the humor in the situation instead of freaking out (which would be the usual response).  Picturing it now makes me smile - her little hands holding this juice box poised above her head, mischievous smile on her face, and then juice pouring everywhere - absolutely hilarious!  That's a moment I won't soon forget.  That was magic.  I'm so glad I could see it.

I try hard to look for those magical moments.  They can be just about anything; being hugged at some unexpected moment, my kids randomly doing sweet things, like saying "I love you" or when my six year old randomly announced at lunch time the other day, "You're the best mom I could ever have."  It could be hearing from someone you care about, being told you're thought of, or simply looking out the window at the gorgeous fall leaves.  Whatever magic is around, it is usually easily missed, if you're not looking.

Patience, anyone?

I am almost always introspective.  I find it so important to understand my motivations for my behavior and thought patterns, because so often, they are not beneficial for me.  If I can't recognize my motivations, and think about myself in an objective way, then I cannot change.  I believe we should always be working on bringing out our best selves, in order to live our best lives.  Why settle for anything less than best?  This is the only life we have (that we can know of for sure), so why would we strive for mediocre?  That is why I push myself so hard to do things that I love, like writing, even though my life is so busy. 

I find it very easy to get wrapped up in things.  If I find something worth my time, I want to put all my energy into it.  This tends to throw me out of whack!  I want a balanced life, but in reality, I have anything but.  I keep on piling things into my packed life because I am forever wanting more, and I am always restless.  There are things I want to pursue, and suffice to say that patience is not one of my virtues.  Waiting for things doesn't come easily for me, so I jump in and try to do as much as possible at any give time.  Now, while I realize that my motivations behind it are that I have desires, drive and even a need to go after the things I want out of life, I also understand that this kind of living doesn't help with balance.

I have been trying to figure out this whole balance thing forever.  I sincerely wish that I didn't require sleep, or that the days were longer and I had more time.  There are so many things I want!  So, I just keep piling things on.  The bags under my eyes are a sure sign that I am not finding balance.  What can I do though?  I suppose I should work on patience...but the things I want, I want them now.  Once I get an idea in my head, I have an insane need to set it into motion and make it happen.  My head is so full of ideas and aspirations and wants and needs that sometimes I think it might explode!  Not to mention the fact that there are some very important people who need me.  And I sincerely love to be needed. 

So, amidst nine to ten hour work days, weekends that are frenzied and full, and people who I want to give my time and energy to, there is my writing, my fitness, my education, and maybe a little bit of fun to try and fit into my life.  I hate waiting, but fully understand that now is not a good time to start my Master's degree (even though I am jumping out of my skin with wanting!!).  I have put my own novel on hold to work on other, more immediately lucrative projects, because there is just no time to get it done right now, unless I want to not sleep ever (and, considering what we know about me and no sleep, we know that's a bad idea).  Plus, I wouldn't be able to produce quality writing anyways. So, right now in my introspective state, I am working on patience.  I think I'll always have to work on it, but I recognize that I am severely lacking in this department.  So many things need to wait, because I just don't have the time or energy to do them all. 

On the plus side of this patience struggle is the fact that I actually have desire and drive.  I spent a long time being wrapped up in the monotony of daily life and losing myself in the caring for others that I had no drive to grow myself.  I forgot what it was like to want things for me, for so incredibly long.  In the past, I have wanted things to prove that I was okay; that I was surviving.  Now, I want things because I just want them.  This life is it.  This is what we have, right now, today, and I don't want to waste any of it.  I love that I have found passion again (even though it makes me crazy with impatience!).  Passion and patience don't go together well, but I'd rather feel this bursting need than nothing at all. 

Life is so good.  What are you feeling passionate or impatient about today?

Worst. Day. Ever.

Today will probably go down as one of the worst I have had in a very long time.  I can't form a coherent thought that isn't attached to some kind of over the top emotion.  I can't keep my eyes open.  I can't eat, drink, sit, stand, anything.  I'm a mess!  And you know what it all boils down to?  Not sleeping. 

Okay, so I've written before about my relationship with sleep.  I don't get enough, and I am very well aware of it.  I feel it.  I rely on caffeine and being stupidly busy to make me forget my tiredness, but it is always there in the back of my mind.  It's pretty bad when you can't sit down without your eyes closing.  It's even worse when you're falling asleep while your child reads to you, or when you're trying to have a conversation.  Today is the culmination of something in my life that is going to eventually destroy my attempts at healthy living.  I literally did not sleep last night.  I laid in bed with my eyes closed for hours upon hours, attempting to shut off my brain.  If I did slip into a little bit of a snooze, I dreamed about what my mind was churning over and I woke up promptly.  Then the alarm went off at 5:15 a.m. to send my husband to work, and I realized I had lain awake the entire night.  Luckily, I did sleep between 5:30 and 7:00 a.m. but was awoken as soon as my alarm went off, which is a good sign it wasn't a deep sleep.

Today I am wrecked.  Because I am so exhausted (which is an understatement), my emotions are at an all time "crazy".  This is how I get when I'm tired.  Any little thing that happens to me affects me so much more profoundly because of my tiredness.  I am a very emotional person, and so feeling things more intensely is definitely difficult.  If I'm sad, which today I admittedly am, it consumes my thoughts entirely.  It affects me more than just in an emotional way.  My sadness will permeate everything around me, much more than it usually would.  I can't hide it when I'm tired.

As if that's not bad enough, my body reacts to this little sleep terribly too (um, yeah, of course!).  Today I have eaten a piece of fruit and a bun.  I have had one cup of coffee, and not until about 1:00 p.m. because the thought of it made me want to vomit.  Making toast for my kids this morning made my stomach flip.  I couldn't stand up without insane nausea.  And no, I'm not sick or pregnant.  I have just slept too little in the past few months, and last night threw me over the edge.  I really need to change something.

Moral of the story?  Get some sleep.  Seriously. 

Ups and Downs

Ups and downs; we all have them.  I have them several times a day, as a matter of fact.  I have them emotionally (it doesn't take a whole lot to set me off, especially lately for some reason), and I have them physically.  Since my post in February about losing 52 pounds, I have had many ups and downs on the scale.  But it has actually made me quite aware of what I have to do to maintain a healthy weight and a healthy body.

Over the summer, I gained a few pounds.  The scale was at about 164 - 165 after a month of moving stress, among other things.  I could see it in the mirror.  I could feel it in my clothes.  I was super unhappy about it.  But, it has since come off and I am sticking to around 160, which seems to be my go-to weight.  Now, while I can see where another ten pounds would be good to drop, I don't feel unhappy about this.  I am so proud that I have been able to maintain a weight within ten pounds of what I consider the ideal weight for my body, and I am super comfortable in my skin right now.  I look in the mirror, and honest to goodness, I like what I see.  I am happy with myself, with my body, with my health.  I don't deny myself the little indulgences that I crave, I eat a generally very healthy diet (though sometimes I forget to eat lunch, still) and I feel pretty good.  The only complaint I have is in the energy department, which is due to lack of sleep, and I know it.  I have a love/hate relationship with sleep, and I definitely need to remedy that problem. 

So I have had minor ups and downs on the scale this year, but they have never gone up more than ten pounds, and have always come back down to something more reasonable for me.  Of that, I am incredibly proud.  I am certain of myself, and of my ability to be at a healthy weight for the rest of my life.  I can't say that I will never be heavy again because I still battle with my emotional eating problem, but I can say that I value myself enough to know that I will always work to be healthy.  I love myself enough to take care of myself, both physically and emotionally.  Happiness is a choice (stole that phrase from someone, but it's true).  And, instead of looking at my ups and downs with a negative perspective, I choose to be proud, happy and certain of myself.