A Day in My Life

Today my morning started off not so great.  Firstly, as usual, the alarm went off when I wasn't ready for it.  I hit the snooze button not once, but twice, then had to rush to have the world's quickest shower and dress before my day home opened.  Then, as children began to arrive, and I had to move quickly to feed and dress my own children and get my 7 year old out the door for school, I discovered that some of my day home children were, for lack of a better word, cranky.  Early naps for them, and lots of coffee for me and a quiet table top activity of plasticine and cut out tools has given me a moment of quiet and reprieve.  It won't last long.

Even now, as I type, I have to keep reminding my 2 year old not to eat the plasticine, and I can hear one of the babies stirring over the monitor.  In half an hour I will begin preparing lunch for 5 children, probably forgetting to feed myself until later in the afternoon when my stomach reminds me that I too need more fuel than just coffee.  Then my afternoon will be comprised of cleaning up after the little ones, who inevitiably throw a lot of the food I have so thoughtfully prepared for them, keeping in mind that I need to give them a meal with 4 food groups and healthy ingredients, onto the floor.  Whether my 2 year old will nap this afternoon or not is a bit of a crapshoot.  If she does, we'll have some quiet, if not, she will be nice and cranky by supper time, and yet more food will end up on the floor.  You have no idea how many times I sweep and wipe and mop my floor every single day.

Then, because it's a beautiful day, I will take the kids outside.  Three children under the age of 2, and one 4 year old, all needing boots, mitts, jackets, snowpants, and all of their gear on just to walk four or five steps to my back yard takes about twenty minutes.  Then, I let them run around, play, get dirty...all except for the littlest baby who will eat things off the ground if I put her down.  But she doesn't want to be held either, and doesn't want to sit in a stroller or wagon...so it's a constant keep-my-eyes-peeled-for-random-objects-in-her-mouth kind of afternoon.  But, this is my job.  It's what I do.

Next, craft time.  With family day approaching, my theme this week after Valentine's is families (duh).  So, we will make some kind of family themed craft, which will involve glue, markers and a great many other messy, have-to-clean-up-again kinds of things.  And of course, I will have to make sure the babies don't get a hold of the markers, oh my.  That is always a disaster.  This is why they make washable markers...

Then, after nap time is over and crafts are finished and cleaned up marginally, my 7 year old returns from school with all her boisterous noise and energy.  This is the craziest part of my day, hands down.  The time between 3:30 and 6:00 when my day home is closed is always nuts.  I have to make sure kids are changed, fed snacks, entertained and packed up ready to go for their parents, while doing dishes (because let's face it, I haven't even touched them yet today and I have to have some clean plates for supper) and cooking a meal.  PS.  I hate cooking.  It happens every single time that a parent arrives in the middle of something bubbling over on the stove top or charring black in the pan.  You're welcome family.  Enjoy.

After supper is a frenzy of cleaning, homework, showering children, stories, bed, sanitizing toys, bathrooms, surfaces, and planning for the next day.   I try to get all this done by 9:00, so I can actually sit down and have some time with my husband, watch a few television shows, work on writing projects, or sometimes, I just fall asleep on the couch.  And of course, the whole time, I am making sure I'm connected to whatever social media outlet I use... Have to be plugged in at all times. 

That's pretty much a day in my life.  And, I can't really complain.  While it's busy, and I'm usually really tired, it's worth the effort to soak in the moments I treasure with my kids and my family.  Today, so far has been hectic, (it's actually taken me the majority of the day to even finish this post), but I am thankful.  It started off on a sour note, but that doesn't have to dictate the whole day.  So there it is.  Another day I am thankful to be alive. 

"Doesn't matter if glass is half empty or full, what matters is whether you have a glass." Octavia Spencer

Regret: A Memorial

I am not one to live with regrets.  It's something that I feel is counter productive - much like the feeling of guilt.  Guilt and regret go hand in hand, and there is really nothing good that comes from holding onto either feeling if one is to live a happy and full life.  They do have some purpose though.  My thinking is that guilt and regret serve to help a person change so they don't come across similar situations in the future.  But once a change has taken place, that regret shouldn't reside in you.

That said, I am feeling pangs of regret this week.  Monday was my grandad's memorial service, and my family and I went.  It was very casual, as he would have wanted, and some of his old friends and family got up to tell stories about him.  It was open to everyone.  The thing I regret is not saying anything.  At the time, I could think of absolutely nothing to say.  Isn't that horrible?  I wasn't close with him, but in the past few years, I had gotten to know him a little differently, especially when his health began to decline.  There was love between us, and I regret not sharing that.  So, I thought, to help myself let go of this, I would write about it.  This is what I should have said:

My grandad wasn't a man of many words.  He was a man's man; a hockey playing, beer drinking, rodeo man.  He was, for lack of a better word to describe him, tough.  I don't have any funny stories about him, but there are a few things that he gave me.  I will take these things with me for the rest of my life, in his memory.  My grandad and I didn't have long phone conversations, or even long visits, but I know that he thought of me.  He never missed sending me a birthday card and Christmas card, even after my grandma passed.  He would always put something in the card, be it cash or a gift certificate.  I know for a fact that he thought of me.

Grandad wasn't the most affectionate person either.  But what I remember of him was that he always had a smile ready for me.  Usually, when I visited my grandma, Grandad was on the couch watching some kind of sport, but he always had a smile.  I always knew he had a soft spot for me.  I knew he looked forward to my visits.  When he was moved into palliative care, he would light up when we came into the room.  My visits, noisy children and all, seemed to bring him happiness.

From my grandad, I will take a kind of strength and resilience you rarely see these days.  That man could withstand just about anything.  He had terminal cancer, and wasn't supposed to live as long as he did, but he continued on.  He was in pain, but he rarely complained.  He kept pushing.  In my last conversation with him, he told me that he'd be seeing lots more of me, and not to worry.  The man had a collapsed lung, a broken hip and was experiencing kidney failure, but he wouldn't give up.  He told me he loved me.  I held his hand and cried.  He had absolutely no physical strength, but wouldn't let go.  He was amazingly resilient.  In the end, his ailments overtook him, but I can tell you this:  he fought tooth and nail.

I will take a knowledge that though he didn't really know how to show it, he loved me.  He thought of me, and he enjoyed my company.  I will always remember his strength.

Thanks Grandad.  I hope you are at peace now.

When it Rains...

Do you ever have months where everything goes wrong?  Do you have times in your life that seem like the whole world is falling down around you?  Well, I'm happy to say goodbye to a month like that.  This January has been a very emotionally draining month for me, and I'm looking forward to an easier, more exciting February.  It WILL be good.  It has to be, because quite frankly, I'm done with emotional stress. 

It seems like that old saying, "When it rains, it pours" is so incredibly accurate.  I've talked to more than one person that has had a month like this, and what a way to start a new year!  I am determined to have a spectacular year, but it's going to have to start with February.  January doesn't count.  I'm going to pretend that it never happened (well, not really, but I want to wipe the slate clean and start my year now).  In February, there are, of course, things I am still dealing with.  My grandfather passed away last weekend, and we are having his memorial.  The residual emotional turmoil from other issues in my life isn't completely resolved, but I am adamant that it will be, and everyone involved will be better for it.  I won't accept anything less.

I realize that I am not completely in control of my circumstances, but I am completely in control of my reactions to them.  I can't control other people, their feelings, their problems, but I can most definitely control myself.  And I intend to. 

So, what can I look forward to in February?  Well, first is my daughter's seventh birthday.  I can't believe I have a seven year old!  But she is remarkable, and I am excited to celebrate it.  Next, I've got more motivation to do fun and exciting things in my day home, and after a very long time of feeling unmotivated and overwhelmed, I am ready to step it up a notch and do my job even better than before.  (Maybe it's the sunshine?)  Lastly, I am going on a vacation with some of my very best girl friends at the end of the month, and I am so excited I can hardly stand it!  Talk about a necessary break!  I think it will be just what I need, and the anticipation of it is just as good.  I got my passport in the mail last week (no, I didn't have one!) and I just about jumped out of my skin!  I literally jumped up and down, and screamed with excitement.  I did.  I just about kissed the mailman, and that's the truth. 

The one thing I know about life is that after having a month like I just did, there is bound to be a light at the end of the tunnel, to quote another cliche.  Things have been so stressful that there just has to be an end, and I truly think it is in sight.  I look forward to saying goodbye to January.  Good riddance!

Memoriam

There isn't usually a day that goes by that I don't think of something that reminds me of my mom.  Today marks the sixteenth anniversary of her passing, and it's honestly no easier now than it was then.  The shock of it is gone; the instant you hear the news and can actually hear your heart crack, that is gone, but the pain it leaves behind is still the same.  It is more acute some days than others, but even though the heart heals, the scars will always remain. 

I have now lived more than half my life without a mother.  This is something I know I'm not alone in.  It is a hard cold fact that people die.  Most of the time life seems to be cut short, unfinished.  Rarely do we see someone pass and can say they were done living.  Is anyone ever really done living?  My great grandmother died at the age of 103 a few years ago, and I'm sure she would have said she still had more living to do if given the opportunity.  It seems pretty unfair, that death can take us any time, but most days I look at that as a reminder that I need to live. 

Today I received a message from a dear friend, and she quoted my mother's last words to me.  My mom asked me to take care of her flowers (she had received many during her hospital stay), and my friend told me that I was doing exactly that, with ALL her flowers.  Instant tears, let me tell you.  We leave behind so much when we go from this world, don't we?  My children are my mother's legacy, and her mother before her and her mother before her.  It is the lessons we teach our children and the love we spread on to people that gets passed along, and for my mom, it was boundless.  Her love was huge.  Another friend told me that Catholics believe all people who have passed on to Heaven are looking down on us and praying for us - petitioning on our behalf to God that we might have the best lives we can.  I kind of like that belief.  It is quite comforting. 

The thing about today is that it really makes me remember, oddly enough, not to live my life in mourning.  Because I can, because I have breath, because I wake up each and every day, I have to live, and live in happiness.  Another great friend of mine (wow, I have some amazing people in my life!) has told me a few times that happiness is a choice, and I completely agree.  And overall, I do choose to be happy.  I go through periods of time when sadness can be quite overwhelming, but in the long run, happiness is what I choose.  I haven't come through all I have experienced to be unhappy.  I'm sure everyone else on the planet can agree.  We all have hard times.  We all experience tragedies.  We all go through periods of time when sadness or negative emotions overtake us.  This is the human experience.  The important thing is what we do with those experiences.  I've had my fair share of hard times.  Right now is actually a hard time, but when push comes to shove (I love that phrase, and it's so cliche), I will always choose happiness over my hardship. 

My mom would be very proud of what she left behind.  She would see the strength her daughters have, and know she had a hand in that.  She would look at my sister, her baby, and know that even though she only had her for six years, she shaped this woman in the most significant ways.  I see my mom in my sister every day, and it is the most beautiful and encouraging thing.  My mom was a fiery, passionate, loving, strong, crazy woman, and I am thankful for my fourteen years with her.  I am thankful for what she taught me, how she lived despite her difficult circumstances, and for the fact that I never once in my life doubted that she loved me. 

Being Real

Last time I wrote about the emotional roller coaster I've been on all month.  Ever feel up and down all at the same time?  Today, I woke up sick, sad, restless, angry, anxious...all those wrapped up into one.  I couldn't even stand the smell of the toast I made my kids for breakfast.  And now, I have had news that my grandfather may possibly make it through this scare and live a little longer.  I went and said goodbye to him last weekend, honestly believing I'd never see him again and now, possibly, he has some more time.  Talk about up and down!  Every time the phone rings I think it's my dad calling to tell me the grim news, and then I get some positive news.  All the while, I'm still feeling incredibly down because of other circumstances in my life, but I'm happy to hear that I may see my grandad again after all.  I'm happy for my dad and my uncle and that this can possibly relieve some of their stress.  But I just can't shake this cloud that's hanging over me. 

It's so important to be truthful about your feelings, and this is something I struggle with all the time.  I can't mope around all day, it's just not realistic.  But at this moment I just feel the need to be real.  We can't keep feelings bottled up inside - it's destructive and hurtful.  That's why I haven't been able to eat all week long; why my body feels not right.  It's the stress of everything happening all around me, and the fact that I don't feel like I can let it out most of the time.  So...here it is.  I am ridiculously sad; more sad than I've been in years.  And I'm exhausted.  I want to just lay in bed and make the whole world go away for a while.  I want people to stop wanting things from me.  I want to be selfish and forget about everything else, wallowing in my sadness and pain.  But, I can't, and obviously I won't.  Being a mother, wife, and all other labels assigned to me doesn't permit that kind of thinking or behavior.  Thus the sickness and stress.  I want to self-destruct, but I know very well that it's not an option.  I just don't know how to get out from under this cloud, you know?

My mom always told me to look at the bright side.  Maybe that would help.  But sometimes I just don't want to.  I have so much to be thankful for, I really do.  I have a beautiful family, my sister and I are close, I have a husband who fights for me and wants me more than anyone else, I have kids who are incredibly sweet, smart, beautiful, kind, funny, crazy.  I have good health, I have good friends, I have a good job.  But...I feel like at any moment that could all slip away from me.  I feel like some things that are so important to me are just so far out of reach, and I just don't know what to do about it.  I don't know if I should fight or let things be.  I don't know if I should pray, cry, or what.  There's the rational side of me that tells me to shake this feeling, and get on with things...to bury my sadness in work, which is my usual mode of dealing with things.  But the emotional side of me just wants to break. 

So there it all is, on the page.  I always want to be real, no matter what.  The great thing about what I'm going through right now is that I know I will get through it.  I've been through worse, unfortunately, and I survived.  I know I'll survive this and get back to my normal self, eventually.  This is life. And it's never been easy, so why one earth would I expect it to start now? 

Emotional Roller Coaster

Ever feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster? 

I know the term is over-used and cliche, but it exactly describes where my head has been in the past few weeks.  My last post was about dealing with loss, and that is still something I am actively dealing with a few days later, of course.  But I'm also everywhere emotionally.  I find that in alone moments, at some points, I feel the crushing weight of everything and I break down in tears.  And then I breathe, or distract myself, or push them down and move on with my day.  It's all so exhausting.  When I'm around people, I'm happy.  I maybe even over compensate for my extreme sadness with extreme happiness on the outside.  None but those closest to me (or those random people on the internet reading this blog) know what I actually feel like on the inside, and that too is exhausting.  The nature of my job doesn't permit me to just break down.  I have five kids to take care of, and they can't see me go to pieces in front of them.  They have needs that absolutely have to be met, so I can't just curl up into a ball and go to sleep.  So, I find that what's on the outside is truly not reflecting what's on the inside...pretty much ever.  I am so incredibly good at faking it.

Today I feel a little better than yesterday, and yesterday better than the day before.  I think it's because I'm once again getting used to my sadness.  It's settling in and becoming more comfortable.  It will come and go in waves of intensity, but for the most part it's just lingering there under the surface, and because it's getting more familiar, it's easier to hide.  This isn't really a great practice, but life makes it somewhat necessary.  I can feel the effect of all this inner turmoil on my body.  I haven't felt like eating a whole lot all week, and when I do eat, I generally feel sick.  I have been pretty much forcing myself to eat, because obviously I can't starve, but it's been tough.  Stress is physically manifested in our bodies, and man do I ever feel it!  I'll be happy when this month is over, let me tell you.  I want my life to go back to normal. 

Life tends to have the worst timing for me.  When one thing goes wrong, everything else seems to as well.  Maybe it's because things are already hard to deal with, so other things get to you more.  Who knows?  But honestly, I'm kind of tired of it.  However, there's nothing that can be done for it but to just get through it in tact, which I'm entirely confident I will do.  Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, life continues and we continue.  Sadness doesn't have to consume.  It does eventually have to be dealt with, it has to be felt, it has to be cried out, but it doesn't have to win.  And for me, it won't. 

So today my focus is to just get through.  Focus on what has to be done, dealt with and felt.  Move along.  Keep going, one foot in front of the other.

I don't want a roller coaster today.

Dealing With Loss

I just had one of the hardest weekends I've had in a long time. January is a particularly hard month for me, because it commemorates the loss of my mother, now gone sixteen years on the 20th.  This month always makes me think of those I've loved and lost.  The list is long, and every person on it was incredibly dear to me, and played an integral part in my life.  When I remember my mom in January, each of these others comes back to me as well, and the weight of it all is sometimes utterly crushing.  This past weekend I went to say goodbye to my grandad, who, the doctors say, has maybe two weeks left.

I haven't ever been close with my grandad.  He isn't the easiest person to know.  He actually hasn't been a huge part of my life, but he is my grandfather, and I love him.  The past few years I have seen him more often, and have gotten to know him a little differently.  We've known for a long time that he is not going to be with us much longer, but now it is close and I am admittedly having a hard time with it.

When I saw him, I didn't know what to say.  He was in and out of sleep, and I couldn't really understand a lot of what he said.  But I did spend some time alone with him, and I held his hand and I let him see me cry.  I told him I loved him, and he said it back.  I hugged him.  He said I'd see him lots more.  I said goodbye.

The hospital he is in is the place I said goodbye to my mom.  Talk about bad timing.  I can't go there and not instantly see her, in that bed, losing her battle.  So yeah, this was a hard weekend.  And there were many other things I was dealing with as well - life stuff that I won't go into detail about - that just made everything significantly harder.  I absolutely lost it a few times; went to pieces.  I allowed myself to fall apart completely, and that's important.

The thing that is hitting home the most right now is that we all die.  I know that sounds morbid and negative, but I don't mean it that way.  I mean that we are here for such a finite amount of time that we need to spend every moment with that in mind.  I am feeling more strongly than ever that my time needs to be spent with the people I love.  While I have difficulties with my professional life, right now I am so thankful that I am home all day, every day with my precious children.  There is truly nothing better, and I don't want to be anywhere else.  How many women can stay at home with their kids and still make good money?  I work hard, but I am here, and I am thankful.  My sister lives with me.  What a huge blessing that is!  I get to see her every single day, and there have been times in my life when I wasn't sure that would happen again.  Now, I get to see her face and hear her voice all the time, and sometimes I have to pinch myself to believe it's really real.  And my husband; we've been together eleven years.  He's solid, dependable, and I know he will always be there while he is able.  We are all going to die.  Every one of us.  This is a reality.  But we are not dead yet, and we need to get that through our heads.

If not the people I love, what else is this life all about?  I am at a loss.  When someone you love dies, you remember the time you spent together.  You remember those moments that made you love them.  You remember them, and hopefully you are thankful for the time you had.  I don't want a life that doesn't include every person I love.  I am making it a point to purposefully spend time with people.  I know it's a bit extreme, but right now nothing else in the world matters to me.  I'm not going to pretend that I'm completely okay.  I am having a really hard time.  But that's not such a bad thing.  It's not our circumstances that matter, it's what we do with them.