Inadequacy and Self Worth

Painful periods in life tend to bring up old insecurities.  I think I have a fairly healthy self-esteem, and for the majority of my adult life, I have learned to understand that my value is intrinsic, and can't change based on external things; that it is fixed because I am human and I matter.  I am finding lately though, that this is being shaken.  We all go through periods of self doubt, and that old, nagging feeling that I am just not good enough is resurfacing.  I don't like it.  This is not something I want to hold on to, and I am beginning to work through these feelings with a professional therapist.  I've been to counseling before, a very long time ago, and at this time in my life, I think it is definitely a tool that I should and will take advantage of. 

The hard part about feeling like I am not good enough is that I know I actually am.  It's hard to make head and heart reconcile sometimes.  When we feel emotions, logic goes out out the window.  Logical me knows that nothing can take my value away.  Logical me sees and understands that I am, in fact, good enough, and always have been.  How others receive me is in their control, not mine, and it cannot change who I am and what I am made of.  Emotional me, on the other hand, tends to get caught up in self-degradation, and loves to feel less than valuable.  I know exactly why I am this way.  We all have some form of insecurity, and mine partially comes from never quite being good enough as I was growing up.  When you treat a child like they just can't measure up, and your expectations are unrealistic, that leaves scars (but that's a whole other post!).  My scars are a little sore right now.

That said, I am thankful that I'm aware of this inner struggle.  Awareness is the first step to healing, and it is my hope that I can, once again, work through these lies emotional Dara is trying to tell me.  Sadly, it's the emotional parts of me that seem to be at the forefront right now, though not necessarily winning.  My last counseling appointment addressed these issues directly, and something my counselor read to me stuck.  My inner value is fixed.   It doesn't matter what I do, how I feel about myself, how others perceive me, my value will always remain the same.  It is equal to the value of every other human being, and that is unchangeable.  I like it!

I wrote a long time ago about positive self-talk as a tool I have used to help me out of these emotional downward spirals.  I've found that at this particular point in my life, I have to use this tool quite often.  "I am valuable."  "I am a very good mother."  "I am strong."  "I am important." 

It doesn't matter how I feel about myself, or how insecure I get, my inner value is fixed.  It can't be changed or diminished.  And when I have moments of self-doubt, self-loathing, self-degradation, I can rest assured that the core of me cannot change.  I was born with it and I will die with it.  And in this life, I must own it.

To say I love my kids is a gross understatement.

To say I love my kids is a gross understatement. If you're a parent, or even if you're not, I'm sure you know what that feels like to love someone like that. There are no words in the English language that can express what I feel for them. It's a connection that comes from the deepest part of my being. There is nothing more important in my life than those beautiful girls.

And they deserve the entire world. Because they exist. Because they came from me.

What I also know, without question, is that they deserve the best me possible. I've been working on myself, my issues, my struggles for a great deal of time now, and I love that my only motivation is not me. That means there's that much more room for success. Of course, I want to be my authentic self, to be happy, to have my dreams because this is the only life I have. But it's also theirs too.

My goal is to have my girls grow up to see an example of a strong, driven woman, and to give them my whole self; the best I have to offer. Mediocre won't suffice for them. Mediocre won't suffice for me. I've allowed myself to be less than what I truly am for far too long, and this is not only doing a disservice to myself, but to them as well. That is not good enough.

I've been searching for balance in my life for years; balance between being a mother, that huge part of myself, and the rest of me, who struggles to be seen and heard. Balance between work and parenting, between giving and receiving, between all of the things a woman must juggle. This search has led me to an authentic search for myself. And while I've always had a good idea of who I am, that thing that we're made of, that core, continues to grow. We need to grow with it.

So, I love my kids. I really love my kids. And I love myself. That, when obstacles get in my way, and hardships hit my life, is what I keep coming back to. No matter how down on myself I get, and yes, that happens, I remember that I do value me. I value me and I value my daughters.