This morning I awoke feeling anxious. I had worry in the back of my mind, and I just couldn't shake it. I couldn't put my anxiety into words; I just felt it.
I did something this morning that I haven't done in a long time. I prayed. I sometimes forget the therapeutic nature of prayer. Whether you are praying because you believe in a higher power, or because you just need to tell the universe what's what, it is an incredibly cathartic experience. It allows us to unload those worries, anxieties, hurts, and any other feeling that isn't easily abated. So, I prayed a lot this morning. I kind of had a running dialogue with the God I think is listening, explaining my anxiety and the reasons for it. I didn't have to put many words to it, I just felt in the direction of my prayer.
At precisely 11:15 (I know this because I was looking at the oven clock while preparing lunch), an immense feeling of peace came over me. It was so overwhelming I actually cried. My anxiety, while the reasons for it are still there, is completely gone. I feel happy, joyful, peaceful. It's a pretty crazy feeling, considering I have a house full of kids (who at the moment are taking a much needed nap/quiet time) and a mountain of work awaiting me. My smile comes very easily right now.
I don't know the reason for this peace, but I am incredibly grateful. In my life, though I often portray a peaceful front to those looking in, most of the time I feel everything but. My family and people close to me can attest to that. I am very, very good at appearing happy and peaceful when on the inside I am full of stress. I am very good at faking it, but at this moment, I really don't have to. It's a strange feeling!
And so, I am happy to share with you my peace, and I wish you all some too. I don't know how long it will last as the stressors in my life are most definitely not gone, but while I have it, I'm going to enjoy it.
Have a lovely day!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
My baby girl turns two in a week.
I can't believe how fast this first two years of her life has gone! I know I must sound like a broken record, but it kind of blows my mind that she is such a little girl now. There is very little baby left in her, and while I am sort of sad that she is growing so fast, I am absolutely fascinated by the little person she is becoming. She is a feisty little thing, and though at almost two, she weighs maybe 23 or 24 pounds (a high estimate). Even though she is small, she can most certainly defend herself, and is incredibly spirited. But she is so, so sweet and I can't get enough of her sometimes.
And now we're onto learning how to share and peeing on the potty. We're into Dora the Explorer, Thomas the Train, painting, coloring on absolutely everything and her favorite, gluing. "I want to glue Mommy" is a phrase I hear very often. Even right now, she is saying, "I just wanna paint," and "We're going to paint later." She is so aware of herself and her surroundings that I find it quite astounding some days. They say that often the second child is quieter than the first, but in my case, they both give each other a run for their money. Her vocabulary is crazy, and pretty much anyone can tell what she is saying most of the time.
So, what to do with myself now that my baby is not a baby? Many mothers start wanting more babies right about now. For me, that's definitely not the case. I have no desire whatsoever to have another child. I am incredibly content with my two girls, and to be honest, I don't EVER want to be pregnant again. Not that it was difficult, or terrible, but I am just over it. I'm ready to move on. I love older kids too; in fact, my first choice as a teacher was to teach adolescents, so you know where my head is at there. I love babies, toddlers and preschoolers, but I also love big kids too!
As I count down the last week of my little firecracker being a 1 year old, I think about how much I have been blessed and how amazing it is that I have these two children. My first baby was a total surprise, a beautiful gift I loved as soon as I knew she existed; my second child was planned and purposed. I wanted her before she was even conceived, and these two years have been amazing.
Wow, I am so blessed.
PS - Her phrase at this moment is, "Who's kicking your butt?" Random thing she picked up from her big sister no doubt.
I can't believe how fast this first two years of her life has gone! I know I must sound like a broken record, but it kind of blows my mind that she is such a little girl now. There is very little baby left in her, and while I am sort of sad that she is growing so fast, I am absolutely fascinated by the little person she is becoming. She is a feisty little thing, and though at almost two, she weighs maybe 23 or 24 pounds (a high estimate). Even though she is small, she can most certainly defend herself, and is incredibly spirited. But she is so, so sweet and I can't get enough of her sometimes.
And now we're onto learning how to share and peeing on the potty. We're into Dora the Explorer, Thomas the Train, painting, coloring on absolutely everything and her favorite, gluing. "I want to glue Mommy" is a phrase I hear very often. Even right now, she is saying, "I just wanna paint," and "We're going to paint later." She is so aware of herself and her surroundings that I find it quite astounding some days. They say that often the second child is quieter than the first, but in my case, they both give each other a run for their money. Her vocabulary is crazy, and pretty much anyone can tell what she is saying most of the time.
So, what to do with myself now that my baby is not a baby? Many mothers start wanting more babies right about now. For me, that's definitely not the case. I have no desire whatsoever to have another child. I am incredibly content with my two girls, and to be honest, I don't EVER want to be pregnant again. Not that it was difficult, or terrible, but I am just over it. I'm ready to move on. I love older kids too; in fact, my first choice as a teacher was to teach adolescents, so you know where my head is at there. I love babies, toddlers and preschoolers, but I also love big kids too!
As I count down the last week of my little firecracker being a 1 year old, I think about how much I have been blessed and how amazing it is that I have these two children. My first baby was a total surprise, a beautiful gift I loved as soon as I knew she existed; my second child was planned and purposed. I wanted her before she was even conceived, and these two years have been amazing.
Wow, I am so blessed.
PS - Her phrase at this moment is, "Who's kicking your butt?" Random thing she picked up from her big sister no doubt.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Burdens
I have a tendency to make everything a job. It's how I function. If I can look at something as a job, as a task that must get done, then it will actually get done. I had a talk with my husband last night which made me realize that I am also doing this in my home life. I have (without really realizing it) made taking care of my kids, being a wife, keeping my home - all of it a job. To others looking in, they may think that I view my kids as a burden, because it's all business. Brush your teeth, comb your hair, eat your supper, have a bath; all on an airtight schedule.
Truth is, sometimes I do feel this way. It was never a conscious decision. It just happened. In a life where if I don't do things, they don't get done, I have made even caring for my family a job, a burden. That makes me feel really awful. My kids are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, and I absolutely adore them. They are difficult, exhausting and demanding, but they also give me a level of fulfillment I haven't ever felt elsewhere. It's easy to lose sight of that fact. If you've been reading, you know that for the past year, I have been doing most of the kid and house related stuff by myself, because my husband has been working full time and going to school, leaving me to fend for myself on the homefront. I am so used to it, that now that he's done school and home evenings, I feel off-put when he helps out.
Talk about ridiculous! Have you ever felt this way? I have made this space, these responsibilities, my job. It is my territory, my domain, and when he comes in and does the dishes or gives my little one a bath, I am actually annoyed. Ummmm, backwards? Yes, definitely backwards. But, on the other hand, I have been wishing for the past year that I didn't have to do it all alone. So what's going on in my brain?
Here it is - I have made running my home a source of validation. When I can go to bed at night having accomplished all my daily tasks, I feel good. I feel like I did my job, and no one can tell me it's impossible. When someone takes a task away from me, it's like they are taking away some of my value in my home domain. Now that I have been able to take a step back and realize that this is happening, I hope I can step out of it. I don't want to be the one who absolutely has to do everything. I don't want to be in control of every little thing (well, actually I do, but that's another issue completely), because that causes me a great deal of anxiety.
So, I realize now that I just have to stop and enjoy those moments with my kids that are special, even if it's against my schedule. I don't have to always follow a schedule! What's the worst that can happen? I have to do something later? Okay, Dara, get over it. While raising kids and running a home is an immense job, it doesn't have to feel like it all the time. Kids are amazing, and sometimes I forget that.
Thanks so much to those special people in my life right now who helped me realize this. I am so blessed to have people around who care about me enough to tell me the truth.
Truth is, sometimes I do feel this way. It was never a conscious decision. It just happened. In a life where if I don't do things, they don't get done, I have made even caring for my family a job, a burden. That makes me feel really awful. My kids are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, and I absolutely adore them. They are difficult, exhausting and demanding, but they also give me a level of fulfillment I haven't ever felt elsewhere. It's easy to lose sight of that fact. If you've been reading, you know that for the past year, I have been doing most of the kid and house related stuff by myself, because my husband has been working full time and going to school, leaving me to fend for myself on the homefront. I am so used to it, that now that he's done school and home evenings, I feel off-put when he helps out.
Talk about ridiculous! Have you ever felt this way? I have made this space, these responsibilities, my job. It is my territory, my domain, and when he comes in and does the dishes or gives my little one a bath, I am actually annoyed. Ummmm, backwards? Yes, definitely backwards. But, on the other hand, I have been wishing for the past year that I didn't have to do it all alone. So what's going on in my brain?
Here it is - I have made running my home a source of validation. When I can go to bed at night having accomplished all my daily tasks, I feel good. I feel like I did my job, and no one can tell me it's impossible. When someone takes a task away from me, it's like they are taking away some of my value in my home domain. Now that I have been able to take a step back and realize that this is happening, I hope I can step out of it. I don't want to be the one who absolutely has to do everything. I don't want to be in control of every little thing (well, actually I do, but that's another issue completely), because that causes me a great deal of anxiety.
So, I realize now that I just have to stop and enjoy those moments with my kids that are special, even if it's against my schedule. I don't have to always follow a schedule! What's the worst that can happen? I have to do something later? Okay, Dara, get over it. While raising kids and running a home is an immense job, it doesn't have to feel like it all the time. Kids are amazing, and sometimes I forget that.
Thanks so much to those special people in my life right now who helped me realize this. I am so blessed to have people around who care about me enough to tell me the truth.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
I know I said I was taking a hiatus, but...
I know I said I wouldn't be back until October, but I had an experience this past weekend I just have to blog about.
I have let a part of myself die, or at the very least, go dormant for a while. I have been so busy taking care of everyone else, that I have forgotten one of the most important things about myself. I lost my laugh.
I used to laugh a lot. Despite all the things in my life that tried to get me down when I was younger, I still held onto my ability to have fun. Well, lately I have seriously lacked fun. I have been so wrapped up in my responsibilities and dozens of jobs that this part of myself has taken a back seat. This past weekend, I rediscovered my laugh, and a few other things that I have lost.
This weekend I took Friday and Monday off to celebrate my good friend's thirtieth birthday in Kelowna, BC. It's been a long time since I was able to get away without my kids, and I must say, it was nice to be responsible for no one but myself. The girls I spent the weekend with really helped me gain perspective on a few things in my life. Some of the girls I've known since I was a kid, some I feel like I have but actually just met. I had forgotten how amazing it is to just let loose with people you care about and trust. I felt comfortable instantly (I am often uncomfortable in unfamiliar situations), and I realized just how much I needed to reconnect with amazing friends.
Today, I am feeling the effects of my crazy weekend. I am fairly certain I slept about six or seven hours in the entire four days, but that isn't what is affecting me. I danced all night in heels and sustained some serious injuries to my big toes (pretty sure I'll be losing my toenails), but that's not the biggest thing. The hugest effect I am still feeling from an awesome weekend full of memorable moments is the sore muscles in my stomach from all the laughter. I haven't laughed so hard for so long in literally years, and it felt good! And while my body is certainly protesting that I am not as young as I used to be, what I am going to take from this whole thing is that I need to continue to reconnect with friends, and stay in touch with that part of me who loves to laugh.
For so long now, my life has been all business. While I certainly appreciate all the wonderful things I have, I dearly miss my fun self. From the moment I wake up in the morning until the moment I hit the pillow to go back to bed, I work. I work at taking care of my kids and my family. I work at my job, I work at my fitness, I work at my health. I work at my writing and at pretty much everything else I do. This weekend I remembered what it was like to just let life happen, to savor it, to simply enjoy the company of some wonderful people without having to work so hard. I don't have to work for these people to like and accept me - they just do. I don't have to prove a single thing to them, because they are my friends and most of them have been since I was a kid (and one I feel like I have known for my whole life even though I just met her on Friday...you know who you are!). I lose myself so easily in the crushing pressure of this life I have built, and I was reminded this weekend that I need to take that part of me back, and nurture it from time to time. I need to remember that I don't have to kill myself with work, and that life is allowed to just happen, and that's okay.
Thanks girls for an amazing weekend!
I have let a part of myself die, or at the very least, go dormant for a while. I have been so busy taking care of everyone else, that I have forgotten one of the most important things about myself. I lost my laugh.
I used to laugh a lot. Despite all the things in my life that tried to get me down when I was younger, I still held onto my ability to have fun. Well, lately I have seriously lacked fun. I have been so wrapped up in my responsibilities and dozens of jobs that this part of myself has taken a back seat. This past weekend, I rediscovered my laugh, and a few other things that I have lost.
This weekend I took Friday and Monday off to celebrate my good friend's thirtieth birthday in Kelowna, BC. It's been a long time since I was able to get away without my kids, and I must say, it was nice to be responsible for no one but myself. The girls I spent the weekend with really helped me gain perspective on a few things in my life. Some of the girls I've known since I was a kid, some I feel like I have but actually just met. I had forgotten how amazing it is to just let loose with people you care about and trust. I felt comfortable instantly (I am often uncomfortable in unfamiliar situations), and I realized just how much I needed to reconnect with amazing friends.
Today, I am feeling the effects of my crazy weekend. I am fairly certain I slept about six or seven hours in the entire four days, but that isn't what is affecting me. I danced all night in heels and sustained some serious injuries to my big toes (pretty sure I'll be losing my toenails), but that's not the biggest thing. The hugest effect I am still feeling from an awesome weekend full of memorable moments is the sore muscles in my stomach from all the laughter. I haven't laughed so hard for so long in literally years, and it felt good! And while my body is certainly protesting that I am not as young as I used to be, what I am going to take from this whole thing is that I need to continue to reconnect with friends, and stay in touch with that part of me who loves to laugh.
For so long now, my life has been all business. While I certainly appreciate all the wonderful things I have, I dearly miss my fun self. From the moment I wake up in the morning until the moment I hit the pillow to go back to bed, I work. I work at taking care of my kids and my family. I work at my job, I work at my fitness, I work at my health. I work at my writing and at pretty much everything else I do. This weekend I remembered what it was like to just let life happen, to savor it, to simply enjoy the company of some wonderful people without having to work so hard. I don't have to work for these people to like and accept me - they just do. I don't have to prove a single thing to them, because they are my friends and most of them have been since I was a kid (and one I feel like I have known for my whole life even though I just met her on Friday...you know who you are!). I lose myself so easily in the crushing pressure of this life I have built, and I was reminded this weekend that I need to take that part of me back, and nurture it from time to time. I need to remember that I don't have to kill myself with work, and that life is allowed to just happen, and that's okay.
Thanks girls for an amazing weekend!
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