Today will probably go down as one of the worst I have had in a very long time. I can't form a coherent thought that isn't attached to some kind of over the top emotion. I can't keep my eyes open. I can't eat, drink, sit, stand, anything. I'm a mess! And you know what it all boils down to? Not sleeping.
Okay, so I've written before about my relationship with sleep. I don't get enough, and I am very well aware of it. I feel it. I rely on caffeine and being stupidly busy to make me forget my tiredness, but it is always there in the back of my mind. It's pretty bad when you can't sit down without your eyes closing. It's even worse when you're falling asleep while your child reads to you, or when you're trying to have a conversation. Today is the culmination of something in my life that is going to eventually destroy my attempts at healthy living. I literally did not sleep last night. I laid in bed with my eyes closed for hours upon hours, attempting to shut off my brain. If I did slip into a little bit of a snooze, I dreamed about what my mind was churning over and I woke up promptly. Then the alarm went off at 5:15 a.m. to send my husband to work, and I realized I had lain awake the entire night. Luckily, I did sleep between 5:30 and 7:00 a.m. but was awoken as soon as my alarm went off, which is a good sign it wasn't a deep sleep.
Today I am wrecked. Because I am so exhausted (which is an understatement), my emotions are at an all time "crazy". This is how I get when I'm tired. Any little thing that happens to me affects me so much more profoundly because of my tiredness. I am a very emotional person, and so feeling things more intensely is definitely difficult. If I'm sad, which today I admittedly am, it consumes my thoughts entirely. It affects me more than just in an emotional way. My sadness will permeate everything around me, much more than it usually would. I can't hide it when I'm tired.
As if that's not bad enough, my body reacts to this little sleep terribly too (um, yeah, of course!). Today I have eaten a piece of fruit and a bun. I have had one cup of coffee, and not until about 1:00 p.m. because the thought of it made me want to vomit. Making toast for my kids this morning made my stomach flip. I couldn't stand up without insane nausea. And no, I'm not sick or pregnant. I have just slept too little in the past few months, and last night threw me over the edge. I really need to change something.
Moral of the story? Get some sleep. Seriously.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Ups and Downs
Ups and downs; we all have them. I have them several times a day, as a matter of fact. I have them emotionally (it doesn't take a whole lot to set me off, especially lately for some reason), and I have them physically. Since my post in February about losing 52 pounds, I have had many ups and downs on the scale. But it has actually made me quite aware of what I have to do to maintain a healthy weight and a healthy body.
Over the summer, I gained a few pounds. The scale was at about 164 - 165 after a month of moving stress, among other things. I could see it in the mirror. I could feel it in my clothes. I was super unhappy about it. But, it has since come off and I am sticking to around 160, which seems to be my go-to weight. Now, while I can see where another ten pounds would be good to drop, I don't feel unhappy about this. I am so proud that I have been able to maintain a weight within ten pounds of what I consider the ideal weight for my body, and I am super comfortable in my skin right now. I look in the mirror, and honest to goodness, I like what I see. I am happy with myself, with my body, with my health. I don't deny myself the little indulgences that I crave, I eat a generally very healthy diet (though sometimes I forget to eat lunch, still) and I feel pretty good. The only complaint I have is in the energy department, which is due to lack of sleep, and I know it. I have a love/hate relationship with sleep, and I definitely need to remedy that problem.
So I have had minor ups and downs on the scale this year, but they have never gone up more than ten pounds, and have always come back down to something more reasonable for me. Of that, I am incredibly proud. I am certain of myself, and of my ability to be at a healthy weight for the rest of my life. I can't say that I will never be heavy again because I still battle with my emotional eating problem, but I can say that I value myself enough to know that I will always work to be healthy. I love myself enough to take care of myself, both physically and emotionally. Happiness is a choice (stole that phrase from someone, but it's true). And, instead of looking at my ups and downs with a negative perspective, I choose to be proud, happy and certain of myself.
Over the summer, I gained a few pounds. The scale was at about 164 - 165 after a month of moving stress, among other things. I could see it in the mirror. I could feel it in my clothes. I was super unhappy about it. But, it has since come off and I am sticking to around 160, which seems to be my go-to weight. Now, while I can see where another ten pounds would be good to drop, I don't feel unhappy about this. I am so proud that I have been able to maintain a weight within ten pounds of what I consider the ideal weight for my body, and I am super comfortable in my skin right now. I look in the mirror, and honest to goodness, I like what I see. I am happy with myself, with my body, with my health. I don't deny myself the little indulgences that I crave, I eat a generally very healthy diet (though sometimes I forget to eat lunch, still) and I feel pretty good. The only complaint I have is in the energy department, which is due to lack of sleep, and I know it. I have a love/hate relationship with sleep, and I definitely need to remedy that problem.
So I have had minor ups and downs on the scale this year, but they have never gone up more than ten pounds, and have always come back down to something more reasonable for me. Of that, I am incredibly proud. I am certain of myself, and of my ability to be at a healthy weight for the rest of my life. I can't say that I will never be heavy again because I still battle with my emotional eating problem, but I can say that I value myself enough to know that I will always work to be healthy. I love myself enough to take care of myself, both physically and emotionally. Happiness is a choice (stole that phrase from someone, but it's true). And, instead of looking at my ups and downs with a negative perspective, I choose to be proud, happy and certain of myself.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Being Open
I've dug myself into a sort of hole in the last while. In the last year, I have retreated inside myself, and held everyone around me at arm's length. I have had very few occasions where I felt like I could relax and just be myself. If you've read my posts all year, you know that it's been a trying time. Now, I have been trying to take a step back and examine my behavior to figure out what I need to do to change that. And, things have been changing for me in a significant way.
It wasn't a conscious choice, to open up to other people. This isn't something I do easily. My husband is the closest relationship I have, and I will sometimes even hold back from him (though he doesn't really let me, so that's a quality I appreciate in him). I have some very wonderful friends, but I hold back pieces of myself from them too. My family, who've known me since I was born; I hold back from them too. I tend to keep a part of myself reserved - always have. For one reason or another, I always have the thought in the back of my mind: "Why on earth would this person care to know about me?" or "What reason could they possibly have to want to be around me?" Perhaps it is the self-loathing that permeated my teenage life coming back to haunt me, perhaps it is just that I was told so many times I wasn't good enough that I started to believe it. Not that I still do, but parts of your past tend to tug at you once in a while. But lately, though self doubt clouds it, I have been able to actually open up with people. I have been able to share myself without the reservation. It might be because for once in my life, I am comfortable with someone other than my husband. Or maybe it's because I am at a point in my journey where I am actually comfortable with myself. I can't really explain it; I just know that it is a good thing.
There is always a risk in opening up to another person. There is risk of getting hurt, risk of being embarrassed, risk of vulnerability. These are risks I don't tend to take. I can be a very social person in the right setting, but this is because I have worked really hard to overcome my shyness and awkwardness. I am not naturally outgoing. In truth, people scare me. I don't like getting hurt, but at the same time, I can't and don't live my life alone. I greatly value my solitude, but I don't want a life of it. In the past few weeks, I have been remembering exactly what it is like to be really open, regardless of the risk. And if I'm being honest, it scares the crap out of me.
Being open with others is so important. What I need to remember is that I do have something to give; that I have qualities people like, and that there are people out there who actually want to know me. It's been a completely new experience for me, not holding back at least a little, and though it scares me, I think I like it. It's a very freeing feeling, and something I've not actually had in a very long time. I don't think we are meant to live alone, barricading our hearts from the world. Though people hurt each other, it's so valuable to let others in, and take the chance that maybe they could have a positive impact on you. Relationships are about the most important thing in life. Honestly, why are we here if not to have relationships? I definitely believe we are not here to just work, make money and get good jobs.
Does anyone else do this? Do you hold parts of yourself back from others because you fear the inevitable hurt that comes along with vulnerability? Though there is always risk when you open up to others, the payoff is so worth it. To feel free, to be able to truly be yourself, to be able to let others see the real you - that's the prize. Because you have something people want to see. So share.
It wasn't a conscious choice, to open up to other people. This isn't something I do easily. My husband is the closest relationship I have, and I will sometimes even hold back from him (though he doesn't really let me, so that's a quality I appreciate in him). I have some very wonderful friends, but I hold back pieces of myself from them too. My family, who've known me since I was born; I hold back from them too. I tend to keep a part of myself reserved - always have. For one reason or another, I always have the thought in the back of my mind: "Why on earth would this person care to know about me?" or "What reason could they possibly have to want to be around me?" Perhaps it is the self-loathing that permeated my teenage life coming back to haunt me, perhaps it is just that I was told so many times I wasn't good enough that I started to believe it. Not that I still do, but parts of your past tend to tug at you once in a while. But lately, though self doubt clouds it, I have been able to actually open up with people. I have been able to share myself without the reservation. It might be because for once in my life, I am comfortable with someone other than my husband. Or maybe it's because I am at a point in my journey where I am actually comfortable with myself. I can't really explain it; I just know that it is a good thing.
There is always a risk in opening up to another person. There is risk of getting hurt, risk of being embarrassed, risk of vulnerability. These are risks I don't tend to take. I can be a very social person in the right setting, but this is because I have worked really hard to overcome my shyness and awkwardness. I am not naturally outgoing. In truth, people scare me. I don't like getting hurt, but at the same time, I can't and don't live my life alone. I greatly value my solitude, but I don't want a life of it. In the past few weeks, I have been remembering exactly what it is like to be really open, regardless of the risk. And if I'm being honest, it scares the crap out of me.
Being open with others is so important. What I need to remember is that I do have something to give; that I have qualities people like, and that there are people out there who actually want to know me. It's been a completely new experience for me, not holding back at least a little, and though it scares me, I think I like it. It's a very freeing feeling, and something I've not actually had in a very long time. I don't think we are meant to live alone, barricading our hearts from the world. Though people hurt each other, it's so valuable to let others in, and take the chance that maybe they could have a positive impact on you. Relationships are about the most important thing in life. Honestly, why are we here if not to have relationships? I definitely believe we are not here to just work, make money and get good jobs.
Does anyone else do this? Do you hold parts of yourself back from others because you fear the inevitable hurt that comes along with vulnerability? Though there is always risk when you open up to others, the payoff is so worth it. To feel free, to be able to truly be yourself, to be able to let others see the real you - that's the prize. Because you have something people want to see. So share.
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