Still Searching for Balance!

I am sure I have alluded to how stupidly busy I am lately.  I've been in the process of taking my private day home to an agency and going through all the licensing procedures and paper work.  Tomorrow (hopefully) I sign my contract and the whole process is finished.  Now I am thinking a little about what in my life has suffered because of this extreme amount of busyness and stress.  The two things that have suffered the most are sleep and exercise.  I can definitely see and feel that I'm not treating my body the way it should be treated, and I'm at a point where I need to do something.

Exercise is the hardest thing for me to get in right now.  Aside from walking on a daily basis to take my daughter to school, and the up and down of caring for children and doing chores all day long, my exercise life is virtually non-existent.  I went to the gym the weekend before Easter, and I don't see being able to go again in the near future.  I am also seriously lacking resolve to exercise at home, even though I have the things I need to get a good work out in.  I need someone to come and kick my butt to get me moving.  I struggle with the desire to be healthy and active and the desire to actually sit down at the end of the day when my kids go to bed.  I am on my feet from 7:30 am to 8:00 pm, and honestly, by the end of that time period, I'm so exhausted I could sleep standing up.

This brings me to my next struggle:  sleep.  I have an acute inability to go to bed at a reasonable hour, even though I know full well that I have to get up in the morning, and that I'm going to walk around in a sleepy haze most of the day, clutching my coffee cup for dear life.  I just can't do it.  I feel like I'm going to miss something.  From 8:00 pm to midnight is my quiet time for myself, and because my husband usually doesn't get home from work until 10, I don't want to go to sleep.  I am one of those people who needs serious sleep in order to feel rested and function properly, and I get 7 hours at best.  That is more than enough for lots of people out there, but definitely not for me.  I need like 10!  Those rare weekends when my husband isn't working and gets up with the kids, I can sleep until noon and I only get out of bed because I feel guilty for sleeping my day away, not because I am ready to get up.  Maybe there is something wrong with my body...maybe there is some mysterious nutrient missing that makes it so that I never feel rested, I don't know.  All I know is that I rarely feel like I've slept.  It kind of stinks.

Do you ever struggle with these things?  I know I would be a happier and more balanced person if these two things weren't so out of whack, but I feel like there is some sort of invisible wall blocking my way.  Does someone want to try getting inside my head and figure out what makes it so that I do this to myself?  It's annoying.

But really, I believe it's important to achieve balance in our lives in order to get the most out of it.  I know that because I lack sleep I am more short tempered and grumpy, and I enjoy my day less.  I know that because my exercise is sporadic and inconsistent, my body doesn't feel as good as it should, and I have less energy all around.  The fact of the matter is that these two things are essential for healthy living and balancing my inner self.  I really have to figure out a way to make it happen. 

What is out of balance in your life?  Are there things that need more attention, and some things that could use a little less?

The Humanist in Me

I've been feeling incredibly unsettled the last few days.  My mind is going around and around things I was taught to believe as I was growing up - and I just can't imagine how I ever thought they were true.  One thing in my Christian upbringing that I never truly accepted was that people were born inherently bad and sinful.  I took one look at my girls the moment they were born, and that philosophy was thrown out the window.  No one on the planet can tell me that my children - my beautiful, innocent children are filled with evil and corruption.  Not a chance.  Do they test their boundaries?  Yes.  Do they learn bad behaviors?  Absolutely.  Will they do things that are wrong?  Sure.  But they are not evil.  They are all things good and wonderful!

I really struggle with people who try to tell me their beliefs are all right, and that there is no way they could be wrong.  This is one reason why I don't go to church anymore - not because of the Christian God, or because of the Bible or anything else like that.  I don't go to church because of the people who choose to condemn others instead of showing understanding and love.  I just can't wrap my head around that kind of thinking.  We need to look beyond ourselves and what our minds can comprehend and be open to more than just what surrounds us.  It breaks my heart to see people ostracized and shunned just because they think differently.  I myself have been treated in this way, and even though it is in the past, it still hurts to this day.  I am still saddened by the losses I suffered at the hands of my friends.  Even now, over five years later, my heart breaks a little when I see anyone from my old life. 

I suppose that is why I am thinking on the subject these days.  Recently I have happened across some of the people from that era of my life, and though I wish it didn't, my heart hurts when I encounter them.  I am saddened because of the intolerance and condemnation that people place on others.  I am saddened because it is this kind of thinking that leads to Holy Wars and genocide.  The thinking that only one group or person can have a monopoly on truth - this is what makes it so that others have to die for their beliefs.  This is why we have racism, sexism, and all those other isms.  I'm not saying it's Christianity that is perpetuating intolerance.  It is all people who close their minds to others and do not seek to understand.  It is people who choose to cause division among their peers instead of showing compassion and kindness.

So, I am truly bothered these days because I just can't imagine why people choose to hurt instead of heal.  I believe everyone has good in them, and we all deserve a chance to be heard and understood.  Call me a humanist - that's okay, but don't tell me I'm going to hell because of it.  Just because I believe in rational thinking and the goodness of people doesn't mean I don't believe in God or have faith.  That kind of condemnation is just not cool.

What Makes a Child Lovable?

I was recently watching a television show where a mother was asked a poignant question about her daughter.  This daughter, a teenage mother and "trouble-maker" had put her mother through a lot.  They had a very poor, uncommunicative, combative relationship.  The question put to the mother was, "Is [your daughter] lovable?"  The mother responded, without even thinking, "NO."  You could see the girl's heart breaking right then and there.  I wonder how she became so troubled?  If I could make a guess, based on the very little I've seen, this girl is probably a product of her environment and upbringing.

The truth of the matter is that children may act poorly, they may make terrible decisions and treat their parents awfully, but because they exist, they are worthy of our love.  They may act in ways that make them less than likable, but it's the behavior we don't like, not the child.  What kind of damage has that mother done to her child by declaring her unlovable?  This kind of damage is irreparable.  And not only that, it is the kind of damage that will keep on digging its volatile hole in this young lady, making her believe even more that she is not worthy of the thing she so desperately seeks.  Despite the things our children put us through, they still deserve our love.  Because they are ours. 

Now, I say this as a mother with young children.  My oldest has yet to put me through anything traumatic at all, except for the odd temper tantrum or misbehavior.  Maybe I will think differently when my girls are teenagers, but I don't think so.  I can't foresee a day when I deem my children unlovable.  But that's just me.  Maybe I have no clue.  My kids might put me through hell, but I will always love them like crazy.

I feel like the girl on the television show had no chance from the beginning.  If her mother has given up on her, how can she be a mother herself?  How can she see that she is worthy of better decisions for her life? 

The thing my husband and I are trying to teach our kids is that when they have bad behavior or have done something wrong, it's the behavior itself we think is bad, not the child.  I am firmly against telling a child they are "bad."  What kind of message is that sending to the child?  It's teaching them that they are bad to begin with, so it's not worth their time to change a bad behavior.  It's showing them that they are helpless to do anything good, because they themselves are bad.  I don't know about any other parents out there, but I never want my girls to think they are bad people.  Because they aren't.  They are beautiful, innocent children, learning what is appropriate and what is not.  They will make mistakes.  They will make bad decisions.  They will say hurtful things and do inappropriate things.  But they are still good.  And they will always be lovable.

How Do You Make it Through?

Does weather ever depress you?  I never thought it affected me, but right now I am longing for sunshine and sandals, and what I am seeing is snow, snow and more snow.  This winter we have had more snow than I can ever remember, and Mother Nature doesn't seem to want to let up.  Usually by now, we're scrapping our heavy coats for sweaters and light jackets.  We did have a week of great weather, but now it's back to looking like winter.  This is what we woke up to on Thursday.  

Our morning drive.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's a picture through the window of the van, and obviously the quality is terrible, but you get the idea.  It is just depressing!  I am itching to ditch my socks and long pants.  I want shorts.  I want skirts.  I want cute sandals and painted toenails!  I think the gods are teasing us with this nice weather and then ripping it away once we start to believe we're actually through the winter.  It's almost May for goodness sake!

Oh well.  I can't control the weather, can I?  And if you think about it, it's really echoing how I have been feeling as of late.  It sure doesn't help though.  But what's that cliche that you always hear?  When life gives you lemons make lemonade?  So, when life give you snow, make snowmen, right?  And when life gives you crap, make...what?  You get the idea.  Make the best of your situation.

Even though my circumstances suck, and I am broker than broke, I still have what really counts.  I have a husband who is probably the best person I can imagine.  I have two beautiful, wonderful, lovely, amazing, miraculous daughters who make everything worth it.  I have been feeling for a long time now that there is a great change coming to my family, and right now, we are in the midst of it.  We're taking large leaps and have no idea where they are going to land.  Isn't that the best part of life sometimes?  The anticipation?  The mystery? Mmmmm, the verdict is still out on that one for me.  But, I was always told to look on the bright side, and I think this is a really valid and helpful practice. 

What I have in my life is worth more than any paycheck could bring me.  It's worth so much more than that feeling of security I crave.  I can't believe how blessed I am most of the time.  How could I have such a life when the odds were stacked against me from go?  I should be a statistic.  My parents divorced when I was two years old, and it was a cat and mouse game between them most of my life.  Unfortunately, and not purposed by them, I got caught in the middle a lot.  My mom remarried my worst nightmare.  The blows to my self esteem I suffered at his figurative hands should have left me unable to make a normal life.  I learned nothing about good parenting from him.  And then my mother died, leaving me to fend for myself at the age of fourteen, not to mention worry sick about my little sister, for whom I could do next to nothing to help back then.  There's no way I should be where I am.

But somehow, I was able to tap into some inner strength that held me all together when I was falling apart, and I came out the other end a better and happier person.  Those circumstances, that I had absolutely no control over, were a catalyst for the person I became.  I realized that I had power over one thing and one thing only: myself.  I don't have power over my circumstances.  I can't force the weather to cooperate any more than I can make time go faster or make money sprout out of the ground, all of which would be utterly fantastic.  But what I can do is look on the bright side and see those things in life that make all of this...junk...worth going through. 

Is there something you need to look differently at today?  What keeps you going through the tough times?

Off the Radar

So, this is week...five in my six week plan, right?  Well, it's kind of dropped off the radar this week.  I've been really stressed by the circumstances I find myself in right now that the last thing on my mind has been my plan.  I know, I know, it is important.  Healthy living should take precedence in the grand scheme of things.  But really, I feel stretched beyond what I am capable of at the moment.  Not in terms of my job or my kids or my marriage, but in terms of my life circumstances.  I wrote about it in my last post though - no sense in rehashing all of that.  Maybe this is some cosmic testing ground...who knows?

Back onto the weight loss subject - I am the same this week as I was last week.  156.  I am fine with my body at this weight.  In fact, I am wearing a size 8, so I really can't complain about it.  This is also the least I have weighed since probably high school or younger, so really, it's kind of a triumph right?  So why do I feel so lousy?  Maybe because I just want more.  I don't want to just feel fine.  I want to feel amazing!  I want to see someone in the mirror I have never seen before.  I want more. 

I don't feel the need to weigh 120 pounds, and look like a stick.  I have never been ashamed of being 'voluptuous'.  I like looking like a woman.  I like curves, and I am proud of them.  I don't need to be 'skinny'.  I need to be healthy and happy and active.  Do I sound like a broken record?  Maybe I'm trying to speak my goals into existence.  Whatever works, right?

So, I need to get back on track.  I think I have discovered the culprit to my stomach issues - dairy.  I suspected it was just that, but needed to find out for sure.  I am, and always have been, lactose intolerant, but it seems to actually be getting worse.  I used to be able to eat yogurt and cheese, but alas, those things I must bid adieu.  I don't really like yogurt anyways, but the cheese is a hard one to give up.  I guess I have to decide if I'd rather live with stomach pain, or eat cheese.  Hmmmmm....tough decision. 

Do you ever struggle like this?  Wanting things you know will make you pay?  Like ice cream!  Oh my gosh, I forgot about ice cream!  I love ice cream.  I don't buy it because I know I'll eat it all in one sitting, but now I have yet another reason.  So sad.

Why do we do things we know are bad for us?  We must all be bad ass rebels....

In This Season...

Do you ever have periods in your life that you wish would just pass?  Where you feel it squeezing at you while you just push, push, push the other way to make something happen?  I am in a period right now that I just want to be over.  On the other hand, there aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done.  I am trying to help provide for my family, and to be perfectly honest with you, I am not doing so well.  The weight of money is depressing...no, not just depressing, it's crushing.  I hate it.

But here's the thing - in our economy right now, the situation I find my family in is a dime a dozen.  So what am I griping about?  Will I end up homeless?  Not likely.  Will I starve?  No.  Will I lose my vehicle?  Maybe.  But I have done without before, I could do it again if I had to.  My kids aren't going to remember that time when we were broke.  They will remember that time when mommy could stay at home with them and run a day home instead of being an overworked, overtired, overstressed teacher.  We have made some huge sacrifices to allow me to stay at home though, and even to have a second child, and quite frankly, I am looking forward to a day when I don't have to worry about how I'm going to pay bills each month.

This is a season of pushing, pressing, stressing, changing, working hard and laying the foundation for the rest of my life.  This is a season that is back-breaking, tear inducing and hate-every-minute-of-it kind of stress.  But I know we will come out the other end.  We have to.  I have two children who depend on me to keep it together and do what is necessary to make their lives happy, healthy and safe.  So, I push.  Sometimes I'm putting on a brave face for the world, and inside my heart is sick with stress, but at least I am the only one who knows it (until right now).  The reality is that life is hard.  We work ourselves to the bone just to live, and I can't help but think that this is a little backwards.  Shouldn't we be living first?  Shouldn't we live through our work, not work through our lives?  But I digress.

I look forward to the time when I don't have this particular stress trying to crush me.  And honestly, I believe that day is coming.  I really do.  We need something to look forward to, something to put our faith in so that we can keep on going. 

And so, I trust that all of this is going to have its payoff.  I just hope it doesn't take forever.  My hair is too gray already.

Over It!

My last post was kind of a downer.  I really do have a lot of positive things going for me.  I have lost 54 pounds (I gained two, then lost them again in the last little while, but who's counting?), and I just matched my lowest weight of my adult life (and teenage life for that matter).  I am actually down one pound this week, despite all of my not working out.  That's cool.  And, my knee is starting to feel better. 

I went to the doctor today to have him look at it, and he said it's probably a bruise or sprain on the medical collateral ligament, which is the one on the inside of the knee.  He did an X-ray as well, and it showed no damage to the bone or joint.  Because the pain has been subsiding, he is optimistic that it's not a serious injury, but I have to be careful when I do cardio.  My ligaments are loose around my knees, which means the knee actually extends left and right further than it should, and that can cause injury if I run or do things that are too high impact.  So, I have been advised to do no running at all, and he wants me to start interval training on the rowing machine, and do more swimming (which I always intend to do, but never quite get there).  So that's good news for me.  I think things are starting to look up in that area. 

So, in reality, things are not going so badly.  I know I can lose six more pounds.  I've already lost 54!  I look back on myself a year and a half ago, after giving birth to my beautiful girl at 210 pounds, and I am actually thankful that I was there.  I am thankful for the fat girl who didn't just want to be thin.  That girl wanted to change her life.  She wanted to be healthy.  If she had never existed, I would not be where I am today.  If I had never had to look at myself in the mirror and see what I did, I would have remained an inactive, marginally healthy person who didn't understand the value of exercise and balance.  So I'm thankful for that girl, who cried sometimes when she saw how pregnancy had distorted her body.  She made me want to change.

And change I did.  I have lost more than my six year old weighs!  I am committed to living a healthy and balanced life.  I am not the same person I was.  Not even close. 

Feeling...Blah

I'm four weeks into my six week weight loss goal of 10 pounds.  And I'm failing miserably.  Seriously.  I know what I need to do - workout hard.  The unfortunate thing is that I feel so stuck in my daily responsibilities right now that working out has fallen off the radar.  Aside from walking on a daily basis now that the weather is nice, I just feel like I have too much going on to hike it out to the gym at 5 am (because that's the ONLY time I can go).  No matter what, something in my life is going to suffer, and I'm not willing to give up what little sleep I get.

I shouldn't say that I'm failing exactly.  I have lost three pounds, but nothing more.  I have learned that I am definitely not able to eat any dairy, and red meat is still off the table for now.  I gave up on the gluten and wheat free diet this week a little, and my body is telling me that that wasn't the greatest idea.  I don't know what exactly is going on, but I'm still trying to gauge what I can and can't eat.  It kind of seems like nothing sits well in my stomach.  Something I definitely need to have a chat with my doctor about.  The problem is that I really don't like all this gluten free stuff.  It's gross.  The bread is yucky, the cookies and muffins don't taste right and I can only eat so much rice.  I feel like I'm at an impasse.  Either I live with the problems I seem to have digesting wheat, or I bite the bullet and truly make a change.  Or maybe it's not the wheat at all...maybe it's sugar or some other culprit.  Though I have been eating mostly organic natural sugar...  Honestly, I just don't know. 

So, that's my week four in a nutshell.  I feel helpless to accomplish what I know I really need to.  Those intense workouts that will push my body past its limit seem out of reach, because of my injury or time constraints, or space in my house, which I have none of and can't seem to ever leave.  Maybe I'm just stalling, or maybe I'm not as motivated as I should be, but I feel kind of stuck. 

And the not-so-silent dread of reaching  my thirtieth birthday without reaching my goal is sitting like a rock in my stomach.

Sorry I wasn't positive and uplifting with this post.  Can't fake what you're not feeling.