The truth of the matter is that children may act poorly, they may make terrible decisions and treat their parents awfully, but because they exist, they are worthy of our love. They may act in ways that make them less than likable, but it's the behavior we don't like, not the child. What kind of damage has that mother done to her child by declaring her unlovable? This kind of damage is irreparable. And not only that, it is the kind of damage that will keep on digging its volatile hole in this young lady, making her believe even more that she is not worthy of the thing she so desperately seeks. Despite the things our children put us through, they still deserve our love. Because they are ours.
Now, I say this as a mother with young children. My oldest has yet to put me through anything traumatic at all, except for the odd temper tantrum or misbehavior. Maybe I will think differently when my girls are teenagers, but I don't think so. I can't foresee a day when I deem my children unlovable. But that's just me. Maybe I have no clue. My kids might put me through hell, but I will always love them like crazy.
I feel like the girl on the television show had no chance from the beginning. If her mother has given up on her, how can she be a mother herself? How can she see that she is worthy of better decisions for her life?
The thing my husband and I are trying to teach our kids is that when they have bad behavior or have done something wrong, it's the behavior itself we think is bad, not the child. I am firmly against telling a child they are "bad." What kind of message is that sending to the child? It's teaching them that they are bad to begin with, so it's not worth their time to change a bad behavior. It's showing them that they are helpless to do anything good, because they themselves are bad. I don't know about any other parents out there, but I never want my girls to think they are bad people. Because they aren't. They are beautiful, innocent children, learning what is appropriate and what is not. They will make mistakes. They will make bad decisions. They will say hurtful things and do inappropriate things. But they are still good. And they will always be lovable.
Oh my goodness, are you me? This is crazy. I've never heard anyone other than myself say this exact thing before, and it has been on my mind, a lot lately! I love that you hold this same belief!
ReplyDeleteI physically grimace when I hear a parent tell their child they are a 'bad boy/girl'. It drives me crazy. How dare they! Behaviour, and the child are not yet equal!!! (I may rant for awhile here.)
My boys are 3 and 14 months. Nearly everyday, when necessary, I have the following talk with them:
You are a good boy, and you will always be a good boy. Mommy will love you every day, and every night, no matter what. But Mommy doesn't like to see this bad behaviour. What do you need to do to change your behaviour?
Sometimes the talk is shortened to an immediate:
That's it! You are in time out. Go sit on your bed for 3 minutes, do not come out til you hear the timer beep! While you are in there think about what you need to do to change this behaviour, right now!!! No toys, no books!
After the time out is complete, we go back into the original talk. Always, my 3 year old will come out of time out after he has calmed down with:
I'm ready to change my behaviour, with good listening.
I love you mommy (hugs and kisses) and I'm sorry for my bad behaviour problems.
Then we can go back to whatever was happening before the time out happened.
It takes work, as parents. It takes work to be on them, constantly. But I would rather do the work now with them, as they are growing from boys into men. Into somebody's father, and somebody's husband. I fully want to take that work on, so that someone else doesn't have to constantly be bothered by these men who didn't have a chance in the first place because their own parents chose to never put the effort in! Oye!!!
If thoughts become words, and words become action, action becomes behaviour, and your behaviour becomes your destiny; then lets start at the beginning, and teach our children how to think, and how to act, and how to be.
How do others not know to do this? I don't get it. I'm not saying my way is the only way, or the correct way, but I sure feel better about teaching my kids self esteem and self respect, so they in turn will have that to offer to someone else one day. I feel better about this then to just shut them down completely with those shameful words, "you are a bad person." How dare they!
Well said! The work we put into our kids now will be with them for their entire lives, and if we can provide a solid, positive foundation, we can hopefully save them a world of hurt later! The unfortunate thing is that there are many parents who continue to perpetuate what they themselves have been taught and how they were treated as children. I have that same talk with my kids on a daily basis too, and yeah, sometimes I'm angry, frustrated, annoyed, but I am the adult and I have to teach them appropriate behavior by actually doing it myself. I want my girls never to question whether or not they are good and valuable people. Thanks for your comment!
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