The Home Stretch

Two more days, and I will be officially moved.  It feels like it will never come, and at the same time like I don't have enough time to finish packing.  I haven't been able to sleep all week long either.  I'm so wound up about this move that my brain won't shut itself off and when I go to bed, I don't fall asleep for at least an hour.  The bags under my eyes are almost black - I look awful. 

Despite the chronic tiredness, I am feeling a sense of excitement and anticipation!  We already have the keys to the new place, and have been moving things a little each night for the past few days.  It's such a wonderful, perfect place.  I just want to get there and be rid of the house we are crammed into right now.  It feels like we are busting at the seams, and have been since the little one was born.  I love all the possibilities of newness that are coming.  I can't wait to set up my playroom for the day home, and our own family room and have it be separate!

I know I've written about the move several times already, but it's my world right now.  What I am finding is that it's hard to pull the energy out of myself when it's not being refueled properly each night.  I'm also finding (not that I don't know this already) that I have a difficult time dealing with stress.  I am irritable, tired, cranky, feel like crying all the time, feel like vomiting all the time, and I can't shake the feeling that I shouldn't be sitting down or taking a break because there's just too much to do.  On top of that, I am working long days - 7:30 - 5:30 - and I can't really do a lot of packing during that time.  So, my poor body is taking all the damage from this stress.  I try to look at the bigger picture, and know that by this time on Sunday, I can wash my hands clean of this place and focus solely on setting up the new one and getting ready for my sister to move in.  But my impatience is really getting to me...

So I plug away with the end of the road in sight.  Better just make sure the coffee pot is always full until it's all said and done.

Change is in the Air

I have been feeling for some time that there were some big changes coming for myself and my family.  In the last year, many of those changes have begun to come about.  My husband is almost done his graphic design program and will soon be moving back into some normalcy with his work and his schedule.  We never intended for him to have to work full time while he attended school, but circumstances dictated that he had to.  This meant that since January, he has been out of the house for a minimum of 12 hours a day, often more.  My kids have missed their dad, and I have missed having my husband around to help out with everything.

But, he is almost done and we are so excited!  By September, his program will be complete and he won't have to do two things at once anymore.  It's pretty amazing how quickly it has gone, and I must say, I am glad.  It takes a lot of courage to strike out on a different path when you have a wife and two kids to support, and I truly admire my husband.  It has been difficult, both emotionally and financially, but we're almost there!

The next few months are bringing about yet more change in my household, and though I am a little nervous, I am excited to see it all happen.  First, we are moving in just over a week (and I'm not even close to ready!), and my fabulous sister is moving in with us.  This is what I am most excited about.  Not only do I get a lovely new house, with more room for my growing family, but I get to live with my baby sister (who by the way is all grown up now).  I haven't lived with her since I was 16 - nearly half my life!  I am so happy that she and I are in a place where she feels comfortable coming to live with us, and I can't wait to see where our relationship goes from here.

The next thing is Fall.  My little girl is starting grade one, and it's going to be hard to have her gone all day, every day.  I will miss her!  Thankfully, our house is right across the street from the school so she can at least come home for lunch every day.  I am also starting my new day home kids full time in September, which will be a big adjustment all around.  For the past two years I have had mostly part time clients, so it will be different to have two kids full time.  In October, I start another new child in my day home, and she will be the youngest I have had yet.  I am a little nervous about how my almost two year old is going to handle having not one, but two children younger than her and needing ample attention.  I think she will adjust fine, but I worry.  The one thing about having three full time children in my day home is that I will actually be making money!  This I am quite excited about.  It has been such a financial struggle in the past few years, and I am excited that soon we won't be stretched so thin.  I might actually have the money to buy myself some new clothes instead of always shopping second hand, or get a haircut or take my kids to a movie once in a while.  This is a kind of freedom we haven't had for years!  Now, it's not like I'll be rolling in the dough, but it will be better, and I am so happy.

So, this gut feeling I had last year that big changes were on the horizon is all coming to fruition, and it is a most exciting time!  Intuition is pretty amazing.  The feeling I had made me able to hope for better, and I was able to look past all the stuff that weighed me down from time to time to see what was coming.  A lifetime of work, prayer and hope is all beginning to pay off.  I have been hoping and praying for fourteen years that my relationship with my sister would be repaired, and now, she is going to live with me again and I can really be the big sister she needs.  I have been working so hard in my day home trying to make it profitable and successful, and it finally will be.  My husband has been breaking his back in jobs he hates since we met eleven years ago, and now he is finally moving into something he loves.  And this is just the beginning.  I can feel it.

That Knot in my Stomach

After a super fast, yet super long weekend, I am back home and full of stress and anxiety again.  This weekend we went to my cousin's wedding in another province, which meant an eight hour drive there, two nights in a hotel with two small children, my husband and my sister all in one room, a wedding reception that went until the wee hours of the morning (and my kids were still awake and dancing their little feet off!) and then another eight hour drive back home.  Honestly, it was less stressful than I thought it would be, and I was actually able to enjoy myself!  My kids did great in the car, and loved the hotel.  We spent way too much money, and ate way too much junk food.  But, I got to spend some time with my little sis, my husband and my kids as well as the rest of my awesome family.  It was a nice break from the craziness of moving and fretting about how on earth I'm going to get this house packed up in time. (So why am I sitting on the couch blogging?)

This morning I awoke with the knot that has been sitting in my stomach back with full force.  We were so exhausted that we all slept in today (except my husband who had to work at 6 am), and then I felt like I got nothing done.  I have two weeks to get this house packed all by myself, and I want to throw up.  I am scared I'm going to have to still be packing on moving day as people load the boxes into the truck, like the last time we moved, which was not fun.  Ugh. 

So I just need to stop stressing and get to work.  Man, I hate moving.

But when it's all said and done I will be so happy and excited!  I just need to get there.  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

Stress!

I think I'm ready to pull my hair out and be sick all at the same time.  This perpetual, nagging nausea is tiresome (NO, I'm not pregnant), and I just want the next three weeks to be over already.  We're making a move this month, and I'm not even close to ready - financially and otherwise.  You see, it is quite difficult coming up with a damage deposit that is more than what you are getting back, plus rent for the first month all on the same day.  I hate money.  Anyone ever find a money tree?  Or can you make it materialize out of thin air?  That would be awesome.

But I am so excited for this move!  The house we are moving into is beautiful.  It's all been recently renovated, it's four doors away from my daughter's school, and it's big enough to house my whole family plus one new addition to our household, my lovely sister.  There's also enough space that I can have my day home playroom separate from our living room/entertainment room.  AND, the master bedroom has a jacuzzi tub in the en suite bathroom! Did I mention my excitement?  I just want to be there though.  I am feeling my impatience, anxiety and stress all at once, and I think I might just burst. 

But it will all work out, right?  That's what I have to keep telling myself, or else I might lose it.  If I don't write for a while, I probably exploded...

I am not Supermom

I am not Supermom.  I am not Superwife, or Supercaregiver, or Superteacher, or even Supercook/housekeeper/nanny.  I hear people telling me all the time that they are so impressed by the things I do for my kids and for my day home, and it makes me feel good.  Really, it does.  It's nice to get some validation for all my hard work, and I truly appreciate when people recognize it.  I recently had a potential client call me for an interview saying that I came so highly recommended that she absolutely had to meet me.  What?  Seriously?  Wow.  That kind of blew me away.  I was almost in disbelief that this was true, because it's crazy that anyone could hold that high of an opinion of little old me.

Sure, on paper, I look pretty good.  I have two university degrees, and I graduated with distinction from both faculties I studied in.  I work long days as a day home provider so I can stay home and raise my girls.  I bake lots of nutritious, healthy, yummy snacks and meals for the kids, and I often use organic products and natural foods.  I plan fun activities, outings, crafts, art projects etc. for a fun filled day in my day home.  I listen to what the kids are interested in and I go with the flow.  I disinfect, disinfect, disinfect. I write a blog that actually has some followers, I am writing a novel, I am editing a novel, I am teacher at Sylvan Learning Center, I actively teach my own children how to read and write and do math so they will have a head start in school.  I make sure my husband's coffee is brewed and in mugs before he's even out of bed in the morning, and his lunch is ready and on the table when he is in his brief lunch break between school and work, and I have his supper all packed up and ready for him to take.  Then I plate his other supper for when he gets home from work at 10 pm, so he doesn't have to worry about it.  I do all the laundry, all the cleaning, all the everything in my house.  It all sounds very good and impressive when I type it out, doesn't it?  But in my brain, all of this is never quite enough.  The sum of my accomplishments is not me.  I am not Supermom.

I have never felt adequate enough.  I am always surprised when I do well at something, even though there are very few things I have tried that I don't at least some success in (most definitely not putting grade 11 math or chess on this list).  I work pretty hard to make sure I do well.  I study and prepare and follow the rules.  I make lists and mark up my calendars.  I know that I am good at certain things, and yet, it always surprises me when I have to admit that this is actually true.  I know for a fact that I do all of the things listed above because I want people to think that I am good enough.  There it is.  I just want validation.

Don't we all just want validation?  Don't we look at others' lives and measure ourselves against them?  What we are all craving is the acknowledgement that yes, we are good, and yes, we are good enough.  But that's the lie we grow up believing!  We don't ever believe we are good enough.  We are taught that in order to be important, or to be good, that we have to work for someone else's approval.  We work in school to get grades - arbitrary numbers assigned to assignments and tests (I can write about authentic assessment in schools and my opinion on how it doesn't actually happen very often another time), we work for our paycheck, signed by the almighty boss, we work for our parents to say "Good job kid!"  We work ourselves to the bone all of our lives just to get some other person's approval, but we never end up gaining our own.

And how could we?  We are working so hard to please others that we totally ignore what pleases us!  How can I possibly hope to have balance in my life when I am constantly giving and not putting back?  This is something I have been aware of in my own life for quite some time, and I am certain it will be something I work on for the rest of my life.  I need to start seeing myself as adequate.  I need to truly believe that I am good enough.  Because I am.  I am not Supermom.  No, I am definitely not anything capital 'S' Super.  But I am super, and so are you.  It's not the sum of the stuff we do that makes us good.  It's that we already are good and we just need to realize it.  I need to start living it.

*Picture taken from http://www.more4kids.info/350/parenting-overload/

Glorifying Gluttony

 

I was at the gym tonight and I saw the most disturbing show on one of the televisions.  Every time I go, there is at least one channel showing some kind of food program.  Talk about the wrong thing to watch!  This time though, I was so utterly disgusted I think I threw up in my mouth a little. 

Now because I couldn't hear what was being said, I only have the half of it, but there was a host talking and it flashed to pictures of ridiculously portioned fast food.  There was a piece of fried, breaded chicken (I think it was chicken!) that stuck so far out of the bun that you could barely even hold it.  It kept flashing to these huge pieces of meat coming out of the deep fryer, dripping hot, yucky grease.  People happily smiled and chowed down on this heart attack on a bun over and over and over again.  I was almost sick.

The next thing I saw was a burger called "The Big Ugly" and, you guessed it, it was big and ugly!  The thing was two pounds of hamburger meat topped with mayo, and all the fixings.  I don't think the thing could fit in my stomach even if I wanted to consume that much meat.  The host of the show, a hefty man, was standing in front of a wall of pictures of people who had beaten the Big Ugly.  So, of course, he had to take the challenge.  But the challenge wasn't just to finish one of the hulking burgers, it was to eat three!  That's six pounds of meat, with buns, toppings and all.  Six pounds!  My whole family eats less meat than that in a week, and there are four of us!  The poor host couldn't finish the last burger, but I can't imagine how he ate even two.  It was absolutely astounding.

The thing this made me think about is the fact that this kind of consumption is culturally acceptable in North America.  We glorify this food that will eventually kill us so much that we make television shows about it and have walls of people who have conquered the challenge.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  I just don't get it.  It really makes me remember why I choose not to eat lots of deep fried, fat ridden foods, and when I do crave them, I remember that I shouldn't eat them all the time.  I don't think there's anything wrong with eating fast food once in a while, when you already have a healthy, balanced diet, but to glorify food that will eventually kill you...what is that?  I don't know, I just don't get it.  I just don't get it.