Sure, on paper, I look pretty good. I have two university degrees, and I graduated with distinction from both faculties I studied in. I work long days as a day home provider so I can stay home and raise my girls. I bake lots of nutritious, healthy, yummy snacks and meals for the kids, and I often use organic products and natural foods. I plan fun activities, outings, crafts, art projects etc. for a fun filled day in my day home. I listen to what the kids are interested in and I go with the flow. I disinfect, disinfect, disinfect. I write a blog that actually has some followers, I am writing a novel, I am editing a novel, I am teacher at Sylvan Learning Center, I actively teach my own children how to read and write and do math so they will have a head start in school. I make sure my husband's coffee is brewed and in mugs before he's even out of bed in the morning, and his lunch is ready and on the table when he is in his brief lunch break between school and work, and I have his supper all packed up and ready for him to take. Then I plate his other supper for when he gets home from work at 10 pm, so he doesn't have to worry about it. I do all the laundry, all the cleaning, all the everything in my house. It all sounds very good and impressive when I type it out, doesn't it? But in my brain, all of this is never quite enough. The sum of my accomplishments is not me. I am not Supermom.
I have never felt adequate enough. I am always surprised when I do well at something, even though there are very few things I have tried that I don't at least some success in (most definitely not putting grade 11 math or chess on this list). I work pretty hard to make sure I do well. I study and prepare and follow the rules. I make lists and mark up my calendars. I know that I am good at certain things, and yet, it always surprises me when I have to admit that this is actually true. I know for a fact that I do all of the things listed above because I want people to think that I am good enough. There it is. I just want validation.
Don't we all just want validation? Don't we look at others' lives and measure ourselves against them? What we are all craving is the acknowledgement that yes, we are good, and yes, we are good enough. But that's the lie we grow up believing! We don't ever believe we are good enough. We are taught that in order to be important, or to be good, that we have to work for someone else's approval. We work in school to get grades - arbitrary numbers assigned to assignments and tests (I can write about authentic assessment in schools and my opinion on how it doesn't actually happen very often another time), we work for our paycheck, signed by the almighty boss, we work for our parents to say "Good job kid!" We work ourselves to the bone all of our lives just to get some other person's approval, but we never end up gaining our own.
And how could we? We are working so hard to please others that we totally ignore what pleases us! How can I possibly hope to have balance in my life when I am constantly giving and not putting back? This is something I have been aware of in my own life for quite some time, and I am certain it will be something I work on for the rest of my life. I need to start seeing myself as adequate. I need to truly believe that I am good enough. Because I am. I am not Supermom. No, I am definitely not anything capital 'S' Super. But I am super, and so are you. It's not the sum of the stuff we do that makes us good. It's that we already are good and we just need to realize it. I need to start living it.
*Picture taken from http://www.more4kids.info/350/parenting-overload/
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