I was thinking this morning, as I prepared breakfast for my kids, changed diapers, and swept up the mess of cheerios on the floor, that a woman's identity can become rather complex. I thought to myself, broom in hand, that this is not how I view myself - caregiver of young children, stay at home mom, changer of stinky diapers. Though these are roles I fill all day long, almost every day of my life, how I see my actual self is very, very different.
From the outside looking in, if you were to just take a peek at my life, this is how you would view me: a mom. On any given day, when I am working and don't have to leave the house, I have my hair pulled back in a messy bun (usually without the effort of brushing it), no makeup, and clothes with all manner of kid stains on them. You see me holding one of the babies in my care, or you see me trying to cook a meal with them at my ankles, demanding attention. You see me clean, and expend all my energy caring for others. You would identify me as a mother and caregiver...if you were to just take a glimpse. That is what the vast majority of people in my life see, I think (unless you read my blog, of course).
This role I fill is not what I believe I actually am. Yes, I am a mother. Yes, I am a caregiver. But that isn't all of me. As a matter of fact, that is just a small piece of my overall identity. This morning the thought came to mind - this part of me takes up the vast majority of my life, but this is not all! I am an artist. I am a writer. I am a scholar (correction, I want to be a scholar again). Just because I have obligations, and children, and a job doesn't mean I have to give up those parts of myself that I really identify with. My children are getting older. My focus is in the direction I want my life to take. Where your focus is, you will go (makes sense that you go in the direction you are looking, yes?). The roles we fall into in life don't have to define us. We choose our own identities, by where we put our focus and aspirations. We define ourselves, if we are strong enough to do so.
I decided a long time ago that I wasn't going to let others define me. I chose to stop being a victim of my circumstances. I chose to live in forgiveness and pursue things I identified with. Now, I find myself in a similar situation to the one I was in so many years ago, becoming an adult and breaking free of my childhood ties. To anyone looking in, they see me wiping noses, washing dishes, and sweeping cheerios off the floor. But, that's just the surface. That's just the part of me that is living in and dealing with circumstance. The other parts, so numerous, are there too, just below the surface, and it's by purposeful choice that they don't get buried under life. Having children is a beautiful, wonderful experience, and I see so many moms get lost in that existence. When their children grow up, they are left wondering what to do, and who they are. I'm not going to be that mom (or at least, I'm really trying!). My kids will benefit so much from me being more than just their mom. They will have an example of ambition, desire, drive, and character. They will have, hopefully, proof that if you want to be something, you will be. They will know that others can't put any label on them. Only we define ourselves. Only we define our identities.
I will be honest and say that sometimes, I get confused about who I am. Still. But, at the core, I know and I feel it. Yes, I am a mother. And I think a pretty good one. But, I am also an artist, a writer, a scholar, a teacher...and so many other things. People aren't one dimensional. I am not one dimensional. I choose my identity.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Every second counts.
It seems to me that the people I love are surrounded by loss lately. I am not so naive as to think that these types of experiences are exclusive to myself, but I kind of feel like this is excessive. Yesterday my father lost his best friend of 50 plus years to cancer. This is a man who is as much a part of my mental furniture as any other childhood memory. He was always a part of my dad's life, and therefore mine. The two have known each other since they were five years old; best friends for an entire lifetime. How do you go from having someone constantly in your life to never seeing them again?
Unfortunately, I can answer that question. The long list of people in my life who have passed on has taught me, and now been reinforced again, that every single second matters. Every second counts. Every moment I share with loved ones could be my last. I'm not trying to be negative or sound like I expect death to knock at people's doors all the time, I'm just trying to take all this sadness and make it mean something. I think of all the time I have wasted, and it makes me sad. Wasted moments being wrapped up in the trivial, mundane things that are all too easy to get lost in are numerous. How many times have I just sat in front of the television, blocking out the world? How many times have I not picked up the phone to call someone just to say I love you, or I'm thinking of you? How many times have I not reached out to someone because I was nervous or afraid? Sadly, the answer is many...so many.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Make every day, every hour, every moment of your life matter. I need to stop being wrapped up in trivial things and forcibly remember that I don't have forever to live. I may not have the option of living later, so I have to do it now. We only have now. That's it. Live right now.
R.I.P. Radar. You'll be missed. Thank you for sharing yourself with my dad.
Unfortunately, I can answer that question. The long list of people in my life who have passed on has taught me, and now been reinforced again, that every single second matters. Every second counts. Every moment I share with loved ones could be my last. I'm not trying to be negative or sound like I expect death to knock at people's doors all the time, I'm just trying to take all this sadness and make it mean something. I think of all the time I have wasted, and it makes me sad. Wasted moments being wrapped up in the trivial, mundane things that are all too easy to get lost in are numerous. How many times have I just sat in front of the television, blocking out the world? How many times have I not picked up the phone to call someone just to say I love you, or I'm thinking of you? How many times have I not reached out to someone because I was nervous or afraid? Sadly, the answer is many...so many.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Make every day, every hour, every moment of your life matter. I need to stop being wrapped up in trivial things and forcibly remember that I don't have forever to live. I may not have the option of living later, so I have to do it now. We only have now. That's it. Live right now.
R.I.P. Radar. You'll be missed. Thank you for sharing yourself with my dad.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Inspiration
As life moves in its brand of monotony, once in a while I run into some inspiration. I've blogged at great length about my goals and dreams, and my frustrations in not being able to see those things come to pass as quickly as I'd like. These moments of inspiration I speak of are what keep me going, trying, wanting...these moments keep me from giving up. The thing in my life that's on my mind the most these days is my novel. I've been writing for over a year now - I don't actually remember when I started, but it's got to be over a year, maybe two. I've promised myself I'd finish the first draft of it this year. By the end of 2012, I will be ready to start editing and revising it.
My inspiration comes from many things right now. First, last month I completed my first freelance writing project. Here it is, if you're interested: http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/B00703PS7A/ref=sib_dp_kd#reader-link It was a very positive process, and in the end, I'm proud of my work. And what a thrill to see my name on the front of a book! I've been published for small pieces before; poetry and such, but this, this is the biggest thing I've done. To see my name in print makes me believe that I just might have what it takes to write a good novel.
As it sits right now, this moment, I have written over 18 chapters of my young adult novel. The main character is from my heart, and embodies a young woman who is struggling to find her own strength, as well as connect to another human being in a meaningful way. 95 180 words later, I think I have the start of what could be a fantastic book. It's exciting to see how far I've come and how much I've written. This too is incredibly inspiring! It's already 175 single spaced typed pages long, and I can see the end coming. I can see the story wrapping up, as I bring it to the climax and bring all the pieces together. Thrilling. Absolutely thrilling.
Another source of inspiration is the people around me. How I came to have such wonderful, encouraging people in my life, I don't really know. I've recently sent the entire unfinished mess to a friend, who is constantly encouraging me and telling me it will happen. I don't think she has any idea how much that means to me. I see it. I picture it. I visualize this thing being a success. The thing that I find most inspiring, is that other people see it too. She tells me this is going to happen, and I believe it! It's amazing what belief can accomplish, and at this moment, I really really believe in it.
In the back of my mind, there's always that nagging bit of inadequacy that has followed me all my life. I hear things like, "What if I'm kidding myself and it's no good?" "What if people are just placating me, and I have no talent?" "What if people just won't like it?" These thoughts are so damaging, and inspiration helps them go away. Writing this novel is like putting myself on the page, completely bare. It all came from me. Every word is mine, and I guard it and cherish it. It's the ultimate in being vulnerable to share something like this with the world. You set yourself up for criticism, ridicule, failure. But what I know is that it's completely worth it! To see your dream working itself out on the page, and knowing that there's a possibility that it could be loved by someone just as much as you love it - priceless!
So, right now I'm feeling inspired and excited. I can't wait to finish this draft and move on to the edit and revise stage, and pull the whole story together. I can't wait to see it in one piece!
My inspiration comes from many things right now. First, last month I completed my first freelance writing project. Here it is, if you're interested: http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/B00703PS7A/ref=sib_dp_kd#reader-link It was a very positive process, and in the end, I'm proud of my work. And what a thrill to see my name on the front of a book! I've been published for small pieces before; poetry and such, but this, this is the biggest thing I've done. To see my name in print makes me believe that I just might have what it takes to write a good novel.
As it sits right now, this moment, I have written over 18 chapters of my young adult novel. The main character is from my heart, and embodies a young woman who is struggling to find her own strength, as well as connect to another human being in a meaningful way. 95 180 words later, I think I have the start of what could be a fantastic book. It's exciting to see how far I've come and how much I've written. This too is incredibly inspiring! It's already 175 single spaced typed pages long, and I can see the end coming. I can see the story wrapping up, as I bring it to the climax and bring all the pieces together. Thrilling. Absolutely thrilling.
Another source of inspiration is the people around me. How I came to have such wonderful, encouraging people in my life, I don't really know. I've recently sent the entire unfinished mess to a friend, who is constantly encouraging me and telling me it will happen. I don't think she has any idea how much that means to me. I see it. I picture it. I visualize this thing being a success. The thing that I find most inspiring, is that other people see it too. She tells me this is going to happen, and I believe it! It's amazing what belief can accomplish, and at this moment, I really really believe in it.
In the back of my mind, there's always that nagging bit of inadequacy that has followed me all my life. I hear things like, "What if I'm kidding myself and it's no good?" "What if people are just placating me, and I have no talent?" "What if people just won't like it?" These thoughts are so damaging, and inspiration helps them go away. Writing this novel is like putting myself on the page, completely bare. It all came from me. Every word is mine, and I guard it and cherish it. It's the ultimate in being vulnerable to share something like this with the world. You set yourself up for criticism, ridicule, failure. But what I know is that it's completely worth it! To see your dream working itself out on the page, and knowing that there's a possibility that it could be loved by someone just as much as you love it - priceless!
So, right now I'm feeling inspired and excited. I can't wait to finish this draft and move on to the edit and revise stage, and pull the whole story together. I can't wait to see it in one piece!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
And Real Life Resumes...
I recently went on vacation with some of my best friends. It was fantastic to get away from the grind of daily life, and for once, think only of myself and what I wanted. Now though, I've been finding that the crushing reality of life is difficult to get back into smoothly. I hear this is common when you return from a vacation (not that I would know, this is a first), but when you come home, have to adjust back into life, and are confronted with some very emotional issues right away, it makes it that much harder.
Today is better than yesterday. Yesterday, I couldn't eat, hadn't slept and was just generally a mess (this is how I deal with pain as of late, and honestly, I'd rather go back to emotional eating). Today, after sleeping a lot last night, I am starting to feel somewhat normal, physically. I have been forcing myself to eat, no easy task at the moment, and I had some coffee, which made my stomach turn yesterday. Pretty much all I want is water, which I suppose, it at least something.
Life is so funny. For some time I've been wrapped up in something that, in retrospect, has been taking me down a path I shouldn't go down. I've been restless, unhappy with my circumstances, and wanting things that I can't have at this point in my life. While the end of this situation is painful - heartbreaking actually - I am beginning to see that I really have to get back to my core, and be happy with what I've got right now. I want to move into a new phase of life so much it hurts sometimes, but I can't make time go faster. I can't change things today. I can put things in motion, get things moving, still dream, but for what feels like such a long time, I've been only focusing on what I want to happen, not what's happening right now. And real life is right now. Real life is my kids, my husband, my sister, my job. Real life is writing my book, which I will finish this year. I've lost sight of the fact that real life is good. I've forgotten that what I have in this moment is not something to take for granted. What blessings I have. I've been so busy wanting more and other things, that I've forgotten what I have.
It's so easy to get wrapped up in your dreams and ambitions, and forget that what you have is beautiful too. There's nothing saying I can't have what I want in the future, most of it, but that's the point. It's the future. And we are not guaranteed anything but this moment. I've struggled throughout my life with being caught up in the future and not living in the moment. Today, I choose not to do that. Today I choose to put my pent up energy into the people around me who love me and need me. To love my kids, who make me so happy I can't even describe it. To love my husband, who deserves it more than I give. To love my sister, who's every breath is a blessing to my life. To love my job, the kids I care for, the fact that I can watch my babies grow up every day. And so, real life resumes. And what a life I have.
Today is better than yesterday. Yesterday, I couldn't eat, hadn't slept and was just generally a mess (this is how I deal with pain as of late, and honestly, I'd rather go back to emotional eating). Today, after sleeping a lot last night, I am starting to feel somewhat normal, physically. I have been forcing myself to eat, no easy task at the moment, and I had some coffee, which made my stomach turn yesterday. Pretty much all I want is water, which I suppose, it at least something.
Life is so funny. For some time I've been wrapped up in something that, in retrospect, has been taking me down a path I shouldn't go down. I've been restless, unhappy with my circumstances, and wanting things that I can't have at this point in my life. While the end of this situation is painful - heartbreaking actually - I am beginning to see that I really have to get back to my core, and be happy with what I've got right now. I want to move into a new phase of life so much it hurts sometimes, but I can't make time go faster. I can't change things today. I can put things in motion, get things moving, still dream, but for what feels like such a long time, I've been only focusing on what I want to happen, not what's happening right now. And real life is right now. Real life is my kids, my husband, my sister, my job. Real life is writing my book, which I will finish this year. I've lost sight of the fact that real life is good. I've forgotten that what I have in this moment is not something to take for granted. What blessings I have. I've been so busy wanting more and other things, that I've forgotten what I have.
It's so easy to get wrapped up in your dreams and ambitions, and forget that what you have is beautiful too. There's nothing saying I can't have what I want in the future, most of it, but that's the point. It's the future. And we are not guaranteed anything but this moment. I've struggled throughout my life with being caught up in the future and not living in the moment. Today, I choose not to do that. Today I choose to put my pent up energy into the people around me who love me and need me. To love my kids, who make me so happy I can't even describe it. To love my husband, who deserves it more than I give. To love my sister, who's every breath is a blessing to my life. To love my job, the kids I care for, the fact that I can watch my babies grow up every day. And so, real life resumes. And what a life I have.
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