I recently went on vacation with some of my best friends. It was fantastic to get away from the grind of daily life, and for once, think only of myself and what I wanted. Now though, I've been finding that the crushing reality of life is difficult to get back into smoothly. I hear this is common when you return from a vacation (not that I would know, this is a first), but when you come home, have to adjust back into life, and are confronted with some very emotional issues right away, it makes it that much harder.
Today is better than yesterday. Yesterday, I couldn't eat, hadn't slept and was just generally a mess (this is how I deal with pain as of late, and honestly, I'd rather go back to emotional eating). Today, after sleeping a lot last night, I am starting to feel somewhat normal, physically. I have been forcing myself to eat, no easy task at the moment, and I had some coffee, which made my stomach turn yesterday. Pretty much all I want is water, which I suppose, it at least something.
Life is so funny. For some time I've been wrapped up in something that, in retrospect, has been taking me down a path I shouldn't go down. I've been restless, unhappy with my circumstances, and wanting things that I can't have at this point in my life. While the end of this situation is painful - heartbreaking actually - I am beginning to see that I really have to get back to my core, and be happy with what I've got right now. I want to move into a new phase of life so much it hurts sometimes, but I can't make time go faster. I can't change things today. I can put things in motion, get things moving, still dream, but for what feels like such a long time, I've been only focusing on what I want to happen, not what's happening right now. And real life is right now. Real life is my kids, my husband, my sister, my job. Real life is writing my book, which I will finish this year. I've lost sight of the fact that real life is good. I've forgotten that what I have in this moment is not something to take for granted. What blessings I have. I've been so busy wanting more and other things, that I've forgotten what I have.
It's so easy to get wrapped up in your dreams and ambitions, and forget that what you have is beautiful too. There's nothing saying I can't have what I want in the future, most of it, but that's the point. It's the future. And we are not guaranteed anything but this moment. I've struggled throughout my life with being caught up in the future and not living in the moment. Today, I choose not to do that. Today I choose to put my pent up energy into the people around me who love me and need me. To love my kids, who make me so happy I can't even describe it. To love my husband, who deserves it more than I give. To love my sister, who's every breath is a blessing to my life. To love my job, the kids I care for, the fact that I can watch my babies grow up every day. And so, real life resumes. And what a life I have.
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