I did something crazy today. It was something totally out of character for me, and something I haven't done since I was thirteen years old. What did I do that was so crazy? I can tell you this, I never thought I would do it again for the rest of my life. In my short lifetime, I have grown and matured past this kind of thing, but now, as I cling to my youth, I find it less and less impossible. Especially with my recent weight loss.
I bought a bikini.
Yes, me. I who, for most of my life have felt self-conscious wearing shorts, and have always worn something over my swim suit, purchased a skimpy, stringy bikini. And I fully intend to wear it.
I tried it on in private when I got home, because I was too embarrassed to do so at the store, and I have to say, it didn't look bad! There are a few areas I am still not a hundred percent happy about, but I think with some work it will look more than just not bad. Now, I feel like I have some incentive to get out of this rut I have put myself in with the overeating and the not exercising. I am going to wear that thing, whether I look hot or not, so I guess I better get moving.
Today I made myself a work out calendar. I made a plan as to what areas I am going to target each day, and I have decided to reward myself at the end of the month, or even at the end of each week if I have every day checked off. I need some serious external motivation, and I'm really hoping this works for me! I have to force myself back into a routine. I have to be vigilant. I have to stick to my guns this time. My goal of toning my body starts now, and when I really take a good look at myself in the mirror, I have to admit that while I do have a lot of work ahead, I am well on my way.
So, here's to bikinis this summer!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Confessions of an Emotional Eater
I have mentioned several times before in this blog that I am an emotional eater. This is a condition that I fully realize I have, and I am well aware of my triggers. But the unfortunate reality is that I don't have it beat just yet. Actually, at this moment I am so far from beating this affliction that I can hardly stand it. If you read my blog with any regularity, you will know I have been struggling emotionally for the past few months over various things. And every time I struggle, it seems like the first thing I go to for comfort is food. Maybe I think if I am stressing about what and how much I am eating, I won't have time or room to stress about the really important things in my life. I don't know. But I know this has got to stop.
I am going to be 100% truthful here. I am so out of control right now that I am having a very difficult time reigning it back in. My eating is reflecting my lack of control in my circumstances - it mirrors my daily struggle with the fact that I just can't seem to make enough money, or have enough time, or do enough of the things I should be doing. I am compensating for all of the things I lack right now by eating far too much. No word of a lie. I am not exaggerating in the slightest here. Yesterday I ate two chocolate cupcakes for lunch - and that was just the appetizer. I eat everything in sight, and when I finally feel full, the guilt sets in. I want to throw up all the awful stuff in my stomach (that goodness I don't have an eating disorder!). I mentally beat myself up and hate myself for not being able to resist that first, second, third cupcake. Even though I know exactly what I am doing when I open the package and take that first fateful bite, I do it anyway. I know that I'm going to feel guilty. I know I'm going to feel sick. I know I'm going to hate myself for it. And I do it anyway! Talk about self-sabotage! This kind of thinking is going give me back that old fat-armor I used to wear. Man, I so don't want to be that girl again! But the sad thing is that if I don't make a change, that's exactly where I'm going to end up.
The worst part of all of this is that I am looking so hard for some satisfaction that when I no longer feel full (but I'm not even remotely hungry yet), I have a sick compulsion to eat again. And on top of that, I don't want people to catch me eating. I feel ashamed and I want to hide it. It's at a point right now where I don't really know what to do with myself. I am my own enemy at the moment and it makes me kind of sick! Don't I love myself enough to put a stop to this?
The roots of this symptom are where I need to go in order to get this under control. I have been really feeling my mortality this last few months, and though I joke about turning thirty and going gray, these things are concrete signs that I am not going to live forever. It scares me to death that there is a possibility with each passing day that I could die and leave my kids here without me. This is my deepest, darkest fear - there it is, for everyone to see. My mother died when I was fourteen, and my sister was only six. My daughter is six right now, and let me tell you, it hit me like a ton a bricks what it must have been like growing up from such from young age without a mother! I have so much admiration for my sister that there are actually no words to express it. I am so ridiculously scared of missing a single moment with my children that I want to throw up. I have repressed this fear for a long, long time, but now it is right there at the surface, picking away at me. There's also the fact that I find myself in a situation, once again, where I have to choose between groceries and rent. And so, I eat. Naturally.
I have to find a better way to deal with all of this. I am erasing all of my hard work, and losing control of myself again. I am falling back into old patterns, and I so don't want to. I do not want this for myself. I deserve more that what I am giving myself. I am worth more than cupcakes for lunch and making myself sick with the fear of things I cannot control.
End confession. There it is. Now that it's out there, hopefully I can deal with it better.
I am going to be 100% truthful here. I am so out of control right now that I am having a very difficult time reigning it back in. My eating is reflecting my lack of control in my circumstances - it mirrors my daily struggle with the fact that I just can't seem to make enough money, or have enough time, or do enough of the things I should be doing. I am compensating for all of the things I lack right now by eating far too much. No word of a lie. I am not exaggerating in the slightest here. Yesterday I ate two chocolate cupcakes for lunch - and that was just the appetizer. I eat everything in sight, and when I finally feel full, the guilt sets in. I want to throw up all the awful stuff in my stomach (that goodness I don't have an eating disorder!). I mentally beat myself up and hate myself for not being able to resist that first, second, third cupcake. Even though I know exactly what I am doing when I open the package and take that first fateful bite, I do it anyway. I know that I'm going to feel guilty. I know I'm going to feel sick. I know I'm going to hate myself for it. And I do it anyway! Talk about self-sabotage! This kind of thinking is going give me back that old fat-armor I used to wear. Man, I so don't want to be that girl again! But the sad thing is that if I don't make a change, that's exactly where I'm going to end up.
The worst part of all of this is that I am looking so hard for some satisfaction that when I no longer feel full (but I'm not even remotely hungry yet), I have a sick compulsion to eat again. And on top of that, I don't want people to catch me eating. I feel ashamed and I want to hide it. It's at a point right now where I don't really know what to do with myself. I am my own enemy at the moment and it makes me kind of sick! Don't I love myself enough to put a stop to this?
The roots of this symptom are where I need to go in order to get this under control. I have been really feeling my mortality this last few months, and though I joke about turning thirty and going gray, these things are concrete signs that I am not going to live forever. It scares me to death that there is a possibility with each passing day that I could die and leave my kids here without me. This is my deepest, darkest fear - there it is, for everyone to see. My mother died when I was fourteen, and my sister was only six. My daughter is six right now, and let me tell you, it hit me like a ton a bricks what it must have been like growing up from such from young age without a mother! I have so much admiration for my sister that there are actually no words to express it. I am so ridiculously scared of missing a single moment with my children that I want to throw up. I have repressed this fear for a long, long time, but now it is right there at the surface, picking away at me. There's also the fact that I find myself in a situation, once again, where I have to choose between groceries and rent. And so, I eat. Naturally.
I have to find a better way to deal with all of this. I am erasing all of my hard work, and losing control of myself again. I am falling back into old patterns, and I so don't want to. I do not want this for myself. I deserve more that what I am giving myself. I am worth more than cupcakes for lunch and making myself sick with the fear of things I cannot control.
End confession. There it is. Now that it's out there, hopefully I can deal with it better.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Still Alive at Thirty!
I am 30. It seems so surreal to say that I am actually thirty. I have spent the last few months fighting with myself over the fact that I won't be in my twenties anymore, and now that my birthday has come and gone, I feel strange about it. I fully understand that I can't turn back the clock and un-age, but seriously, do I have to get older? Stupid question right? Obviously I do.
But that's not the point. My birthday has come and gone, and I'm still here. I'm still the same as I was last week, with the same amount of gray hair and the same amount of under-eye wrinkles. I didn't reach my goal of hitting the 140s by my birthday (in fact, I have been so out of control with my eating this last few weeks that I gained four pounds...depressed much?). I am just the same old me. I haven't changed, or morphed into some scary old lady. So, I guess now I need to just get over it. Move on. Move forward.
That said, I thought it would be a good idea to outline some of my goals for the next year. Instead of wallowing in my age and slight weight gain, I am going to look to the future, and the things I hope to accomplish this year. Here they are:
1) Work on muscle tone in my arms, core and legs. I have never had a toned body in my life, and I want to see some muscle definition!
2) Get back on a consistent cardio schedule, despite my lack of time and energy. I know for a fact that when I am doing cardio consistently, I feel better, more energized and more happy.
3) Find a consistent diet that benefits my body and satisfies me. There are many foods that seem to really bother my digestion, so I am committing to reworking it all and finding a proper balance. I have fallen off the wagon concerning the no dairy consumption rule, and I know that my stomach is paying for it. Cheese, begone! Or at least I need to eat it more carefully and in more moderation. Maybe there are some cheeses that don't bother me as much as others. I have also found lately that when I eat, though I feel full, I do not feel satisfied. That means that I'm not giving my body what it needs or wants, and I need to figure out what it is I need to eat in order to feel more satisfied.
4) Stop worrying about the number on the scale. I need to stop obsessing about what I weigh and start looking at my health and shape first. I need to stop weighing myself all the time. I don't think it is helping me! I want to start gauging my body on how my clothes fit, and on what my measuring tape says, not necessarily on what my scale tells me. It's time to stop focusing on weight loss and start focusing on fitness and health first.
5) Finish my novel. It has taken a stand still, and I need to find time to write in it consistently. When I am writing, I feel inspired, happier, and motivated to do better and be better. I need to get back into it! I also want to devote more time to my editing job, which I also greatly enjoy. Time management is the key here.
6) Start some serious work on my writing teacher's resource website. I have a lot of great ideas, but no concrete work to show for it yet, and I really want to get moving so I don't lose my motivation or resolve.
So, now that I've written down my goals for the next year, and made it (very) public, I am hoping that they will be more real to myself! I really have to stop wallowing in my own self pity and get a grip. I think all of these goals are attainable, but they will take a lot of work. They will take a lot of time. I am going to need to keep myself on a schedule if I want to exercise every day, and write and edit and create a website and still run my day home successfully. It seems like a lot when I write it all in one sentence, but really, if I don't have goals and lots to do, I tend to get a little lazy! I thrive on being busy, and I tend to get more done when I have lots to do - does that make any sense?
One last goal I have for myself is...to give myself a little more grace. I am only human, and I don't always accomplish my goals. I need to be more compassionate with myself when I slip up - like this month when I have been gaining weight. If I am too hard on myself, I just want to eat more, or wallow in self pity a little longer, and truly, I don't have time for that kind of thinking.
So, here we go thirties.
But that's not the point. My birthday has come and gone, and I'm still here. I'm still the same as I was last week, with the same amount of gray hair and the same amount of under-eye wrinkles. I didn't reach my goal of hitting the 140s by my birthday (in fact, I have been so out of control with my eating this last few weeks that I gained four pounds...depressed much?). I am just the same old me. I haven't changed, or morphed into some scary old lady. So, I guess now I need to just get over it. Move on. Move forward.
That said, I thought it would be a good idea to outline some of my goals for the next year. Instead of wallowing in my age and slight weight gain, I am going to look to the future, and the things I hope to accomplish this year. Here they are:
1) Work on muscle tone in my arms, core and legs. I have never had a toned body in my life, and I want to see some muscle definition!
2) Get back on a consistent cardio schedule, despite my lack of time and energy. I know for a fact that when I am doing cardio consistently, I feel better, more energized and more happy.
3) Find a consistent diet that benefits my body and satisfies me. There are many foods that seem to really bother my digestion, so I am committing to reworking it all and finding a proper balance. I have fallen off the wagon concerning the no dairy consumption rule, and I know that my stomach is paying for it. Cheese, begone! Or at least I need to eat it more carefully and in more moderation. Maybe there are some cheeses that don't bother me as much as others. I have also found lately that when I eat, though I feel full, I do not feel satisfied. That means that I'm not giving my body what it needs or wants, and I need to figure out what it is I need to eat in order to feel more satisfied.
4) Stop worrying about the number on the scale. I need to stop obsessing about what I weigh and start looking at my health and shape first. I need to stop weighing myself all the time. I don't think it is helping me! I want to start gauging my body on how my clothes fit, and on what my measuring tape says, not necessarily on what my scale tells me. It's time to stop focusing on weight loss and start focusing on fitness and health first.
5) Finish my novel. It has taken a stand still, and I need to find time to write in it consistently. When I am writing, I feel inspired, happier, and motivated to do better and be better. I need to get back into it! I also want to devote more time to my editing job, which I also greatly enjoy. Time management is the key here.
6) Start some serious work on my writing teacher's resource website. I have a lot of great ideas, but no concrete work to show for it yet, and I really want to get moving so I don't lose my motivation or resolve.
So, now that I've written down my goals for the next year, and made it (very) public, I am hoping that they will be more real to myself! I really have to stop wallowing in my own self pity and get a grip. I think all of these goals are attainable, but they will take a lot of work. They will take a lot of time. I am going to need to keep myself on a schedule if I want to exercise every day, and write and edit and create a website and still run my day home successfully. It seems like a lot when I write it all in one sentence, but really, if I don't have goals and lots to do, I tend to get a little lazy! I thrive on being busy, and I tend to get more done when I have lots to do - does that make any sense?
One last goal I have for myself is...to give myself a little more grace. I am only human, and I don't always accomplish my goals. I need to be more compassionate with myself when I slip up - like this month when I have been gaining weight. If I am too hard on myself, I just want to eat more, or wallow in self pity a little longer, and truly, I don't have time for that kind of thinking.
So, here we go thirties.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Three Decades
Tomorrow I will have the great displeasure of saying that I have been on this planet for three entire decades. I feel as though I am now having a quarter life crisis or something! If I live to be one hundred, that means that a whole quarter of my life is gone. What a scary thought! And, even though there have been a number of strong and resilient women in my family who have lived well into their eighties, nineties and hundreds, there have also been a great deal of them who have lived only a fraction of that. My great grandmother died at an amazing 103, but my dear mother was only 38, and I have an aunt who passed in her early forties. This means I could have already lived the majority of my life, or I have 70 some odd years to go. I'm voting for the latter, but honestly, you never know!
I'm not meaning to be morbid or depressing, just merely expressing a sad reality. We don't know how long we have on this earth. One thing I have taken from my family history is that whether I live until tomorrow, or until I'm too old to function, I have to live every single day like it counts for something. I can so easily get caught up in the things around me that I find depressing or frustrating (I actually started to write a post the other night about how sad my professional life - or lack thereof - makes me, but stopped), but is it really worth it? I mean, if I have the unfortunate circumstance to pass away early, shouldn't I have lived every single day? Should my kids remember me as the sad mommy whose life dreams were dashed, or the mom who did everything in her power to be there for them, love them and give them happiness? What is more important? I don't know about you, but when I take a step back and really think about my life, instead of seeing the things I wish I had, or the things I get impatient waiting for, or the things I have lost, I think of all the wonderful things I have today, at this moment.
Taking stock of my life right now, here is what I have achieved in thirty years of existence. I have overcome amazing obstacles and odds as a child and teenager to be a happy, whole woman with strength, faith and intelligence. I have put myself through five years of university, with no one's help. I have married the most amazing man I could ever meet, and he has given me two beautiful, miraculous, amazing children. I have taught and inspired teens who were unsure, low in self esteem, or merely didn't recognize their abilities. I have mentored young women, and young writers. I have survived the difficult first years of my teaching career, and I now run a successful day home where kids are happy and thriving. Do I have bad days and difficult moments? Yes, I do. Do I get down and find myself becoming hopeless sometimes? Absolutely. Do I struggle? Every single day. But when I think about three decades of life, I feel as though I have truly lived, and that's what I intend to keep on doing.
I am anxious about turning thirty. I am scared of aging. I look in the mirror and every day I find more wrinkles, gray hairs and signs of my body beginning to decline. I hate it! I despise the fact that I will not be young forever, and though it may seem superficial, it is rooted in the fact that I don't want to miss a single moment of life, and I know all too well how short it will be.
Another reason I approach my birthday tomorrow with trepidation is that it is also my mom's birthday. She would be fifty four years young - and she's been gone for sixteen years already. That's more than half of my life, and I think on the fact that the past sixteen years has held the most important and joyous things in my life thus far. So, tomorrow is a bittersweet day for me, as always. I approach a new decade with no small amount of anxiety, but much hope. I mourn the loss of a beautiful and vibrant woman who should be celebrating her glorious fifties. Most of all though, I am so happy about what I have come from, where I have gone, the lives I have touched and the possibilities for the future. Talk about a mixed bag!
Happy birthday to me.
I'm not meaning to be morbid or depressing, just merely expressing a sad reality. We don't know how long we have on this earth. One thing I have taken from my family history is that whether I live until tomorrow, or until I'm too old to function, I have to live every single day like it counts for something. I can so easily get caught up in the things around me that I find depressing or frustrating (I actually started to write a post the other night about how sad my professional life - or lack thereof - makes me, but stopped), but is it really worth it? I mean, if I have the unfortunate circumstance to pass away early, shouldn't I have lived every single day? Should my kids remember me as the sad mommy whose life dreams were dashed, or the mom who did everything in her power to be there for them, love them and give them happiness? What is more important? I don't know about you, but when I take a step back and really think about my life, instead of seeing the things I wish I had, or the things I get impatient waiting for, or the things I have lost, I think of all the wonderful things I have today, at this moment.
Taking stock of my life right now, here is what I have achieved in thirty years of existence. I have overcome amazing obstacles and odds as a child and teenager to be a happy, whole woman with strength, faith and intelligence. I have put myself through five years of university, with no one's help. I have married the most amazing man I could ever meet, and he has given me two beautiful, miraculous, amazing children. I have taught and inspired teens who were unsure, low in self esteem, or merely didn't recognize their abilities. I have mentored young women, and young writers. I have survived the difficult first years of my teaching career, and I now run a successful day home where kids are happy and thriving. Do I have bad days and difficult moments? Yes, I do. Do I get down and find myself becoming hopeless sometimes? Absolutely. Do I struggle? Every single day. But when I think about three decades of life, I feel as though I have truly lived, and that's what I intend to keep on doing.
I am anxious about turning thirty. I am scared of aging. I look in the mirror and every day I find more wrinkles, gray hairs and signs of my body beginning to decline. I hate it! I despise the fact that I will not be young forever, and though it may seem superficial, it is rooted in the fact that I don't want to miss a single moment of life, and I know all too well how short it will be.
Another reason I approach my birthday tomorrow with trepidation is that it is also my mom's birthday. She would be fifty four years young - and she's been gone for sixteen years already. That's more than half of my life, and I think on the fact that the past sixteen years has held the most important and joyous things in my life thus far. So, tomorrow is a bittersweet day for me, as always. I approach a new decade with no small amount of anxiety, but much hope. I mourn the loss of a beautiful and vibrant woman who should be celebrating her glorious fifties. Most of all though, I am so happy about what I have come from, where I have gone, the lives I have touched and the possibilities for the future. Talk about a mixed bag!
Happy birthday to me.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Changing Pace
I have embarked on a new path - one that I resisted for a long time. I joined an agency with my day home, and became licensed and accredited. There are many perks in doing this, and the biggest one is that I will now be making more money. You see, the government in my province has this great funding program for licensed Family Day Homes where they pay you an hourly wage on top of your rates if you have an education in early childhood. For me, since I have a teaching degree, I didn't have to get any other education to qualify for the top wage. So, now I hold a Level Three Child Care Qualification, which makes me a Child Care Supervisor. So, that's good, and makes what I do a little more worth while. There are about a million other things I have to do to go along with it, so my day home has become much less casual.
I have always done educational activities with my day home kids, and we play and go for walks and do all sorts of fun stuff, but I haven't done a lot of extra work or planning for it. Now I have to. I have to program activities for each child in my care based on learning goals set out for them that are appropriate for their ages and interests. Then I have to log all my hours of planning and I must provide visual evidence that I actually did all these things for licensing. It's beginning to sound a lot like teaching!
I opened a day home so I could stay home with my kids until they are both in school, and then my plan was to move on to something else, preferably in my field, which is middle school. Now I find myself essentially becoming a preschool teacher in my home. I must say, this is not the direction I thought I would be taking in my career. I love kids, and more and more, I enjoy working with the younger ones, but I didn't foresee this path. Now that I have signed my contract and I'm fully licensed, I have realized that I have delayed this for so long because I am not ready to let go of my teaching career for this. Signing that contract made me feel like I am stepping into a whole new game, and it made having a day home much more real. It made it more legitimate in a sense, and that is something that I feared. I wanted this to be that in-between-thing-I-did-while-my-kids-were-young kind of thing, not a new career direction, which is what it now feels like.
Right now, I am trying to come to terms with those emotions, and though I fully realize that I can quit anytime and find another job, my circumstances make it unlikely that I will do this in the near future. I don't know how others do it, but I can't afford child care for two kids, so I am the one who provides it. The permanency of having to actually sign a contract weighs on me, even though I still planned on doing this a few more years. Now I need to put more focus into expanding my education and learning some principles of early childhood education.
This is a great change of pace, but one that comes with a little bit of reluctance. I don't know if I need to just let go of those old aspirations and accept what I have, or if I need to just put them off for a later date. Either way, I need to focus my attention in the here and now, and stop being so reluctant to jump right in. I guess the biggest thing is that I feel as though my long and expensive education is going to waste right now, because I am not teaching and haven't been able to make it in the field, even though I graduated in 2004. I should have a permanent contract right now, and be doing what I originally set out to do. But here I am, almost seven years after earning a teaching degree and I have almost nothing to show for it. Even now, I feel my stomach sinking at the thought.
But I digress. I have embarked, however reluctantly, on a new path in my career, and I just need to accept it and move on. I need to dive right in and immerse myself in all things early-childhood/pre-K, and focus my energy into making this the success I know it can be. I have got to stop being reluctant and regretting my decisions. I think it's holding me back from really doing an amazing job and truly being able to enjoy myself.
Are there things in your life that you thought would be different? How do you deal with changes in your life plan? For me, it's a hard pill to swallow because I am one of those people who has a plan, and I hate divergences. How do you accept what life throws at you?
I have always done educational activities with my day home kids, and we play and go for walks and do all sorts of fun stuff, but I haven't done a lot of extra work or planning for it. Now I have to. I have to program activities for each child in my care based on learning goals set out for them that are appropriate for their ages and interests. Then I have to log all my hours of planning and I must provide visual evidence that I actually did all these things for licensing. It's beginning to sound a lot like teaching!
I opened a day home so I could stay home with my kids until they are both in school, and then my plan was to move on to something else, preferably in my field, which is middle school. Now I find myself essentially becoming a preschool teacher in my home. I must say, this is not the direction I thought I would be taking in my career. I love kids, and more and more, I enjoy working with the younger ones, but I didn't foresee this path. Now that I have signed my contract and I'm fully licensed, I have realized that I have delayed this for so long because I am not ready to let go of my teaching career for this. Signing that contract made me feel like I am stepping into a whole new game, and it made having a day home much more real. It made it more legitimate in a sense, and that is something that I feared. I wanted this to be that in-between-thing-I-did-while-my-kids-were-young kind of thing, not a new career direction, which is what it now feels like.
Right now, I am trying to come to terms with those emotions, and though I fully realize that I can quit anytime and find another job, my circumstances make it unlikely that I will do this in the near future. I don't know how others do it, but I can't afford child care for two kids, so I am the one who provides it. The permanency of having to actually sign a contract weighs on me, even though I still planned on doing this a few more years. Now I need to put more focus into expanding my education and learning some principles of early childhood education.
This is a great change of pace, but one that comes with a little bit of reluctance. I don't know if I need to just let go of those old aspirations and accept what I have, or if I need to just put them off for a later date. Either way, I need to focus my attention in the here and now, and stop being so reluctant to jump right in. I guess the biggest thing is that I feel as though my long and expensive education is going to waste right now, because I am not teaching and haven't been able to make it in the field, even though I graduated in 2004. I should have a permanent contract right now, and be doing what I originally set out to do. But here I am, almost seven years after earning a teaching degree and I have almost nothing to show for it. Even now, I feel my stomach sinking at the thought.
But I digress. I have embarked, however reluctantly, on a new path in my career, and I just need to accept it and move on. I need to dive right in and immerse myself in all things early-childhood/pre-K, and focus my energy into making this the success I know it can be. I have got to stop being reluctant and regretting my decisions. I think it's holding me back from really doing an amazing job and truly being able to enjoy myself.
Are there things in your life that you thought would be different? How do you deal with changes in your life plan? For me, it's a hard pill to swallow because I am one of those people who has a plan, and I hate divergences. How do you accept what life throws at you?
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