I have mentioned several times before in this blog that I am an emotional eater. This is a condition that I fully realize I have, and I am well aware of my triggers. But the unfortunate reality is that I don't have it beat just yet. Actually, at this moment I am so far from beating this affliction that I can hardly stand it. If you read my blog with any regularity, you will know I have been struggling emotionally for the past few months over various things. And every time I struggle, it seems like the first thing I go to for comfort is food. Maybe I think if I am stressing about what and how much I am eating, I won't have time or room to stress about the really important things in my life. I don't know. But I know this has got to stop.
I am going to be 100% truthful here. I am so out of control right now that I am having a very difficult time reigning it back in. My eating is reflecting my lack of control in my circumstances - it mirrors my daily struggle with the fact that I just can't seem to make enough money, or have enough time, or do enough of the things I should be doing. I am compensating for all of the things I lack right now by eating far too much. No word of a lie. I am not exaggerating in the slightest here. Yesterday I ate two chocolate cupcakes for lunch - and that was just the appetizer. I eat everything in sight, and when I finally feel full, the guilt sets in. I want to throw up all the awful stuff in my stomach (that goodness I don't have an eating disorder!). I mentally beat myself up and hate myself for not being able to resist that first, second, third cupcake. Even though I know exactly what I am doing when I open the package and take that first fateful bite, I do it anyway. I know that I'm going to feel guilty. I know I'm going to feel sick. I know I'm going to hate myself for it. And I do it anyway! Talk about self-sabotage! This kind of thinking is going give me back that old fat-armor I used to wear. Man, I so don't want to be that girl again! But the sad thing is that if I don't make a change, that's exactly where I'm going to end up.
The worst part of all of this is that I am looking so hard for some satisfaction that when I no longer feel full (but I'm not even remotely hungry yet), I have a sick compulsion to eat again. And on top of that, I don't want people to catch me eating. I feel ashamed and I want to hide it. It's at a point right now where I don't really know what to do with myself. I am my own enemy at the moment and it makes me kind of sick! Don't I love myself enough to put a stop to this?
The roots of this symptom are where I need to go in order to get this under control. I have been really feeling my mortality this last few months, and though I joke about turning thirty and going gray, these things are concrete signs that I am not going to live forever. It scares me to death that there is a possibility with each passing day that I could die and leave my kids here without me. This is my deepest, darkest fear - there it is, for everyone to see. My mother died when I was fourteen, and my sister was only six. My daughter is six right now, and let me tell you, it hit me like a ton a bricks what it must have been like growing up from such from young age without a mother! I have so much admiration for my sister that there are actually no words to express it. I am so ridiculously scared of missing a single moment with my children that I want to throw up. I have repressed this fear for a long, long time, but now it is right there at the surface, picking away at me. There's also the fact that I find myself in a situation, once again, where I have to choose between groceries and rent. And so, I eat. Naturally.
I have to find a better way to deal with all of this. I am erasing all of my hard work, and losing control of myself again. I am falling back into old patterns, and I so don't want to. I do not want this for myself. I deserve more that what I am giving myself. I am worth more than cupcakes for lunch and making myself sick with the fear of things I cannot control.
End confession. There it is. Now that it's out there, hopefully I can deal with it better.
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