I have always had a pretty distorted perception of what I look like. It's always quite difficult to actually see myself as I am, and not how I think I am. Do you ever have this? There have been some points in my life when I have looked in the mirror and thought to myself, Wow, I look pretty darn good! More often than not though, I look and see only my flaws. My skin is blotchy, my eyes look tired, I have a double chin, I have big thighs, my stomach is flabby, I have a booty the size of...well, you get the picture. More often than not, I see the things about myself I wish I could change and not the things I like.
Well, lately that pattern has been a little different. On several occasions, I have gotten dressed in the morning, surveyed the results and felt good about what I saw. On these occasions I didn't only see thighs, which are admittedly shrinking. I didn't see extra flab and curves where I don't want them. I saw someone who has been working really hard to shape my body into an efficient machine, and I was happy.
I've also always hated catching my reflection in windows and mirrors as I walk by. I always think my butt sticks out too far and that things are just too big. Again, all I used to see were the things I hated! Well, tonight, not for the first time, I caught my reflection as I walked by some windows at the gym and I didn't cringe. Not even a little. I thought to myself, Geez, you look awesome! Imagine that. I was using positive self talk without even knowing it!
Well, the truth of the matter is that I have lost a lot of weight since the birth of my almost one year old. I am actually at a lower weight now than I was when I got pregnant. I'm also in great shape. I can run, walk, do cardio, and lift weights all without feeling like I'm going to die every step of the way. I actually like working out. I have gone from a size 18 to a size 10 (8 if it's stretchy). So, I guess all this positivity and hard work is actually doing something to my brain. Instead of seeing all the things I want to change about my body, I see how far I have come, and how incredible I look after all that hard work. I still have quite a ways to go before I reach my goal, but I acknowledge that I am well on my way, and I am so proud.
I know I'm not alone in this distorted view I often have of myself. I know there are so many women, if not all of them, whose negativity manifests itself in the mirror. We see a distorted image of what is really there, and we allow that lie to get us down and perpetuate itself. Again, the whole positive self talk thing is such a must if we want to change. It all begins in the brain, especially if you want a lasting change! In the past 6 years, I have been borderline obese, and I have been at the lowest weight of my life. Right now, I am on the lower end of overweight for my height. When I was skinny, I told myself that I was never going to be that fat again, but honestly, I didn't fully understand what it would take to change my life around completely. I did a really good job, and I only gained some of the weight back, but I did so because I was being negative. I had a very difficult year, and I ate my way through it instead of staying positive, telling myself that I could do it and sticking to my active lifestyle. I can see how I sabotaged myself now. I see how I began to feel terrible about myself and how it eventually manifested in the mirror.
I hope we can beat this sickness one day. I hope we can start to see ourselves as beautiful, wonderful human beings despite our flaws. I hope the inner dialogue of humanity changes significantly, so that we can unleash the power within ourselves and create better lives. Here's the thing though. It starts with you and me. If we don't begin with just us, we're never going to get anywhere. I can talk about making positive changes in my life until I'm blue in the face, but it's meaningless unless I am actually making those changes myself.
So here I am, starting with something so tiny as liking what I see in the mirror.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Change is in the Air
Do you ever feel a deep seated feeling of anticipation that something is about to happen? Does the air around you feel electrically charged, like the gears of fate are grinding, causing friction and moving you into the next season of your life? I do. I feel that right now. So much has been happening in my spirit in the last year, since the birth of my second daughter. Something inside of me is stirring, moving and absolutely itching for change. There are very few times in my life when I have felt like this, and each time I was on the precipice of something totally life changing; meeting my husband, having my kids, getting my first job.
You have to understand something about me. As I have mentioned before, I am a planner through and through. I choose a direction, and I do not deviate from that path. Since I was 16 and had to strike out on my own, I have had a life path chosen. I never once entertained the thought that I might do something else. I didn't give myself a list of options and then go for the most practical or appealing one. I chose one thing to do, and I did it. That was 13 years ago, and it has just been in the past year that I have come to the realization that I don't really have to be this way. I am allowed to broaden my horizons. I have given myself permission to do so, and believe me, that is a leap!
This all started when I chose not to go back to teaching and stay home with my kids. I began by feeling a little bit stuck, and while I love being with my girls all the time, I felt a sadness at the loss of my career...even though I chose to leave it. The thing that kept going through my mind was that I had worked so incredibly hard to gain my career, and now, after only teaching a few years, I was throwing it away. On the flip side, I had such a negative experience my first year teaching, I wasn't sure I wanted this career any more, or at least not until I was in a better place emotionally. Taking a few years to raise my kids seemed like the best option. And I don't regret it for one minute. I still felt like I had wasted five years in university getting my degrees, and I still wanted to use it for something. Running a day home isn't exactly the same thing.
So after I grieved the loss of a life I had pictured for myself for so long, I realized that this didn't have to be the end. I could still use my skills. I could still have something to strive for (besides raising fantastic kids). So I started to write. This isn't news to anyone who has been following my blog. But as I wrote in the entry about the snowball effect, one thing tends to lead to another. It just gets bigger and bigger. That's why I am anticipating something huge in my life. Finally, after being so narrow minded about my life path for so long, I am able to look beyond the little box I have created for myself and see something completely new.
The other night I hatched a plan, as I am wont to do. But this plan has me super excited! If I can make it work, and I see absolutely no reason why I can't, then I can stay at home with my kids, continue with my day home, and use both of my university degrees. Here's the kicker. I can do something I am absolutely passionate about! Can you feel the electricity?
So what, you ask, is this new direction? Well, I have an elaborate plan, and my favorite thing about it is that it isn't unattainable and it could be huge! It's something I can put into action right now, and in fact, I already have. What I plan to do is teach creative writing. Hmmm, sounds pretty close to my original career plan, right? Well, it's not. What I want to do is to start out by putting on writing workshops for kids who want to hone their craft. They will be extra curricular, and just for kids who want to be writers. That's where it starts. I want to do the first one during the second semester of the school year, and set myself up to do a few more next summer. Eventually, I will be able to develop a self-contained course and original resource that can be taken and taught by anyone. That's where it starts to get big. By February of 2012, I want to present a workshop at the local teacher's convention and have a booth set up to sell my resource. I want to get other educators excited about teaching writing, and show them how to implement my program in their own classrooms, or as an extra curricular at their school. But that's just the beginning. I want to take my plan and go around to schools and school divisions and give professional development workshops for teachers and school staff to help them get excited about teaching writing too. I want to create my own resource to publish and sell and bring other teachers on board who either want a change in their careers or can't find a job in this difficult economy...or who just want in!
All of this is just the jist of the plan, which I am still in the process or formulating. My main focus right now is the workshops for kids and figuring out the logistics of that venture. If I had known that this is what would happen when I open myself up to all the incredible possibilities afforded to us in this country, I may have been a little more open in the past. The air around me is thick with the anticipation and I'm so excited at the prospect of a new direction in my professional life. I am so incredibly passionate about writing, and it has taken having the time to actually do it again to get me there. When I was teaching I only had time for planning, marking, and sleeping. Now, even though my life is busy, I actually have a chance to sit down for a few minutes every day and write. It had to all be stripped away for me to even see that there could be other possibilities. Isn't that often the way? Lose to gain? Well, I'm glad.
Is there some possibility in your life you need to open up to? Are you really where you want to be? I know that I'm getting there, and I hope my grand plans can inspire some of you to make a change if you really need one. So, what are you waiting for?
You have to understand something about me. As I have mentioned before, I am a planner through and through. I choose a direction, and I do not deviate from that path. Since I was 16 and had to strike out on my own, I have had a life path chosen. I never once entertained the thought that I might do something else. I didn't give myself a list of options and then go for the most practical or appealing one. I chose one thing to do, and I did it. That was 13 years ago, and it has just been in the past year that I have come to the realization that I don't really have to be this way. I am allowed to broaden my horizons. I have given myself permission to do so, and believe me, that is a leap!
This all started when I chose not to go back to teaching and stay home with my kids. I began by feeling a little bit stuck, and while I love being with my girls all the time, I felt a sadness at the loss of my career...even though I chose to leave it. The thing that kept going through my mind was that I had worked so incredibly hard to gain my career, and now, after only teaching a few years, I was throwing it away. On the flip side, I had such a negative experience my first year teaching, I wasn't sure I wanted this career any more, or at least not until I was in a better place emotionally. Taking a few years to raise my kids seemed like the best option. And I don't regret it for one minute. I still felt like I had wasted five years in university getting my degrees, and I still wanted to use it for something. Running a day home isn't exactly the same thing.
So after I grieved the loss of a life I had pictured for myself for so long, I realized that this didn't have to be the end. I could still use my skills. I could still have something to strive for (besides raising fantastic kids). So I started to write. This isn't news to anyone who has been following my blog. But as I wrote in the entry about the snowball effect, one thing tends to lead to another. It just gets bigger and bigger. That's why I am anticipating something huge in my life. Finally, after being so narrow minded about my life path for so long, I am able to look beyond the little box I have created for myself and see something completely new.
The other night I hatched a plan, as I am wont to do. But this plan has me super excited! If I can make it work, and I see absolutely no reason why I can't, then I can stay at home with my kids, continue with my day home, and use both of my university degrees. Here's the kicker. I can do something I am absolutely passionate about! Can you feel the electricity?
So what, you ask, is this new direction? Well, I have an elaborate plan, and my favorite thing about it is that it isn't unattainable and it could be huge! It's something I can put into action right now, and in fact, I already have. What I plan to do is teach creative writing. Hmmm, sounds pretty close to my original career plan, right? Well, it's not. What I want to do is to start out by putting on writing workshops for kids who want to hone their craft. They will be extra curricular, and just for kids who want to be writers. That's where it starts. I want to do the first one during the second semester of the school year, and set myself up to do a few more next summer. Eventually, I will be able to develop a self-contained course and original resource that can be taken and taught by anyone. That's where it starts to get big. By February of 2012, I want to present a workshop at the local teacher's convention and have a booth set up to sell my resource. I want to get other educators excited about teaching writing, and show them how to implement my program in their own classrooms, or as an extra curricular at their school. But that's just the beginning. I want to take my plan and go around to schools and school divisions and give professional development workshops for teachers and school staff to help them get excited about teaching writing too. I want to create my own resource to publish and sell and bring other teachers on board who either want a change in their careers or can't find a job in this difficult economy...or who just want in!
All of this is just the jist of the plan, which I am still in the process or formulating. My main focus right now is the workshops for kids and figuring out the logistics of that venture. If I had known that this is what would happen when I open myself up to all the incredible possibilities afforded to us in this country, I may have been a little more open in the past. The air around me is thick with the anticipation and I'm so excited at the prospect of a new direction in my professional life. I am so incredibly passionate about writing, and it has taken having the time to actually do it again to get me there. When I was teaching I only had time for planning, marking, and sleeping. Now, even though my life is busy, I actually have a chance to sit down for a few minutes every day and write. It had to all be stripped away for me to even see that there could be other possibilities. Isn't that often the way? Lose to gain? Well, I'm glad.
Is there some possibility in your life you need to open up to? Are you really where you want to be? I know that I'm getting there, and I hope my grand plans can inspire some of you to make a change if you really need one. So, what are you waiting for?
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Daddy Left You Again
The title of this post is causing me so much anguish. I have been watching a program called "Teen Mom" and highlighted in this episode was something that actually made wrenched my heart and made me physically sick. Obviously, as shown in the title of the show, these moms are young. They may not have all the tools it takes to have healthy relationships and be parents, but the fact of the matter is that they are parents. Once a child enters the picture, the parents do not come first. They don't come second, sometimes not even third. The main priority in a parent's life is to care for their children and give them the best upbringing they possibly can. That means that if you don't have the tools to be a parent, you better darn well get them, in my opinion.
One girl on the show had a blow up with her boyfriend, with whom she had had several ups and downs; break ups and make ups. This blow up, as usual, happened in front of the little toddler, and it ended with the mom saying to her daughter, "Daddy left you again." The baby screamed for the remainder of the shots including this mom. Not only does she initiate fights in front of her child, but she cusses in front of her, and then tells her that her father is leaving her. I'm not sorry to say that this woman needs a serious reality check.
What we sometimes forget is that little ears are always listening. It doesn't matter how young they are, or whether they can talk or not, they know whether you are saying something good or bad. Newborns can sense a soothing tone or an angry one, and they respond accordingly. Toddlers mimic whatever they see, and if you yell and scream, so do they. My own daughters show me this every day of my life. My five year old is constantly saying things I have said to her - to her baby sister, to her friends, to her dolls, and even back to me. I have to watch what I say. My baby girl mimics her sister constantly. Lately, her thing is to growl at everyone and scream - something my five year old taught her.
The things we tell kids, especially the negative, will always stick with them. If you tell a child over and over again that her daddy left her again, she will grow up believing that she was the cause of her father and mother's lack of relationship! Do we really want our kids to internalize these things? I am so appalled at these kinds of behaviors that my blood is just boiling. Watching this little toddler scream and cry out for attention, comfort and her father absolutely broke my heart. My husband said he just wanted to go upstairs and hug our girls. I wanted to find that little girl and just love her. It takes so many more times saying positive and affirming things to people to blot out the negative, that when we say things that are hurtful to our children, we have to work ten times harder to counteract it. The negativity festers, and if you tell a child things like, "It's not good enough," or "You're being stupid," they will absolutely believe you.
I just needed to vent a little about this issue. I know I am not a perfect parent, and I have made my mistakes in parenting my kids, but through the process I have grown and learned, and strive to continue to do so. I want so much to be someone my kids can look up to; someone who supports and loves them and brings out the best in them. I just wish all parents had the tools necessary to put their children first. I guess that is one reason why teens should not be having children themselves - they are ill equipped for the most part. Heck, I was 23 when my 5 year old was born, and it was no picnic for me! The learning curve was mind blowing. But dear Lord, let the words, "Daddy left you again," never depart from my lips, or anything else like it!
One girl on the show had a blow up with her boyfriend, with whom she had had several ups and downs; break ups and make ups. This blow up, as usual, happened in front of the little toddler, and it ended with the mom saying to her daughter, "Daddy left you again." The baby screamed for the remainder of the shots including this mom. Not only does she initiate fights in front of her child, but she cusses in front of her, and then tells her that her father is leaving her. I'm not sorry to say that this woman needs a serious reality check.
What we sometimes forget is that little ears are always listening. It doesn't matter how young they are, or whether they can talk or not, they know whether you are saying something good or bad. Newborns can sense a soothing tone or an angry one, and they respond accordingly. Toddlers mimic whatever they see, and if you yell and scream, so do they. My own daughters show me this every day of my life. My five year old is constantly saying things I have said to her - to her baby sister, to her friends, to her dolls, and even back to me. I have to watch what I say. My baby girl mimics her sister constantly. Lately, her thing is to growl at everyone and scream - something my five year old taught her.
The things we tell kids, especially the negative, will always stick with them. If you tell a child over and over again that her daddy left her again, she will grow up believing that she was the cause of her father and mother's lack of relationship! Do we really want our kids to internalize these things? I am so appalled at these kinds of behaviors that my blood is just boiling. Watching this little toddler scream and cry out for attention, comfort and her father absolutely broke my heart. My husband said he just wanted to go upstairs and hug our girls. I wanted to find that little girl and just love her. It takes so many more times saying positive and affirming things to people to blot out the negative, that when we say things that are hurtful to our children, we have to work ten times harder to counteract it. The negativity festers, and if you tell a child things like, "It's not good enough," or "You're being stupid," they will absolutely believe you.
I just needed to vent a little about this issue. I know I am not a perfect parent, and I have made my mistakes in parenting my kids, but through the process I have grown and learned, and strive to continue to do so. I want so much to be someone my kids can look up to; someone who supports and loves them and brings out the best in them. I just wish all parents had the tools necessary to put their children first. I guess that is one reason why teens should not be having children themselves - they are ill equipped for the most part. Heck, I was 23 when my 5 year old was born, and it was no picnic for me! The learning curve was mind blowing. But dear Lord, let the words, "Daddy left you again," never depart from my lips, or anything else like it!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Lofty Goals...
I turned 29 last May, and all of a sudden, all the hopes and dreams I ever had came cascading into my mind. I have always wanted a lot out of life. I have always thought that if I didn't hope for lots, I would get very little. What I didn't know was that many of my hopes and dreams wouldn't pan out as planned, but that I would have so much more than I ever thought I would. I still have hopes and dreams though, and today, I have expanded them a little.
I have written extensively about my love of writing, singing and generally artistic type stuff. I have written about teaching, and my career and my kids. I have written a little about my weight loss goals, and the stumbles along the way. Well, my new hopes and dreams veer off in a completely different direction; one that is incredibly foreign to me.
I was at the gym this evening, and I wanted to pick up a schedule for some of the classes, thinking I'd start going to Yoga once a week. Instead of picking up a schedule, I picked up a guide that highlights all the programs they have at my gym. I started to read it, and it really made me think. There are some things in the guide I think I want to try!
One of them is bellydancing. I am not a very coordinated person, but in my younger years, I enjoyed dancing as much as the next person. I can't say I was ever very good at it though. I think that as I am coming into the next decade of my life, it would be wonderful to do something for myself that can remind me of how beautiful and sensual a woman's body can be - even if it has had two children and has lots of curves. Bellydancers are supposed to be curvy, right? Well, I fit the bill then. It might be a fantastic way to build confidence and pride in the body God gave me. The only problem is that it doesn't jive with my schedule at the moment, so we will put that one on the backburner for now, but not out of my mind!
The next thing I saw in the guide was triathlon training. Yes, I just said triathlon. Running, swimming and biking. Triathlon. Oh dear, what has my imagination gotten me into here? I think that by the time I am 35, I should do a triathlon. I am not a very good runner. I can't seem to find a good rhythm, I always feel like I'm going to fall over, and I can't breathe when I run. Is this realistic? Well, I ran for 6 minutes today on the treadmill, and I didn't want to pass out. That's kind of good, right? Maybe in five and a half years, I will be able to run much farther. Swimming - now there's something I like. I used to swim lengths in university, but I am not very fast or very strong. I also tend to want to hyperventilate and I hate it when water goes up my nose. AND, I am afraid of water. I am telling the truth though, I actually like swimming. Then there is biking. I can ride a bike, but not very fast and not very well. I rode 40 km this past summer, and I almost died. I made it, but I walked the hills and I was the last one in at the finish. I think in five and a half years, I could ride a little better. Maybe I should buy a bike?
So, I am beginning to take my narrow minded life plan and branch out a bit. That's a scary thing for me! I am a planner, through and through. When I was in high school, I wanted to be a teacher. Check on the degree, not so much on the actual career. It's on hold. When I moved to the city I live in now for university, I decided I was going to find a husband. Well, I did that, and it worked out wonderfully. The moment I set foot here I began to look. It took me just over a year. I met my hubby when I was nineteen and married him at twenty two. Good for me, that part of my plan worked out. Then I wanted to be married for five years, build my career, and then have kids. That one has turned out to be a little backwards. Oh well, cest la vie.
My list of things I wanted to do in my life is incomplete, and now I am adding more ambitions. I wonder how much stress this will add to my life? I already stress about the fact that I am almost thirty and have not been able to establish myself in a school district. I put a lot of time and energy into writing, trying to take my career in a different direction, or at least add to it. Now I want to bellydance and do a triathlon. Oh dear, what have I gotten myself into?
All I know is that I can't live life without goals. I need them to motivate me and spur me on to move my butt. If I don't have them, my life will easily get soaked up by my domestic duties, supplemented by bad daytime television. So, yeah, I have some lofty goals. That's okay. I need them, and it's kind of fun to branch out a little and take on something completely different. Here goes nothing!
Here are some of my current lifetime goals: (If you don't put them out there, who will hold you accountable?)
1) Finish and publish at least one novel
2) Become a freelance writer and editor
3) Go back to teaching
4) Get my master's and PhD and teach English at a university
5) Sing in a band
6) Own a coffee shop and import and roast my own beans
7) Travel SOMEWHERE
8) Compete in a Triathlon
9) Take bellydancing
Lofty Goals...
I have written extensively about my love of writing, singing and generally artistic type stuff. I have written about teaching, and my career and my kids. I have written a little about my weight loss goals, and the stumbles along the way. Well, my new hopes and dreams veer off in a completely different direction; one that is incredibly foreign to me.
I was at the gym this evening, and I wanted to pick up a schedule for some of the classes, thinking I'd start going to Yoga once a week. Instead of picking up a schedule, I picked up a guide that highlights all the programs they have at my gym. I started to read it, and it really made me think. There are some things in the guide I think I want to try!
One of them is bellydancing. I am not a very coordinated person, but in my younger years, I enjoyed dancing as much as the next person. I can't say I was ever very good at it though. I think that as I am coming into the next decade of my life, it would be wonderful to do something for myself that can remind me of how beautiful and sensual a woman's body can be - even if it has had two children and has lots of curves. Bellydancers are supposed to be curvy, right? Well, I fit the bill then. It might be a fantastic way to build confidence and pride in the body God gave me. The only problem is that it doesn't jive with my schedule at the moment, so we will put that one on the backburner for now, but not out of my mind!
The next thing I saw in the guide was triathlon training. Yes, I just said triathlon. Running, swimming and biking. Triathlon. Oh dear, what has my imagination gotten me into here? I think that by the time I am 35, I should do a triathlon. I am not a very good runner. I can't seem to find a good rhythm, I always feel like I'm going to fall over, and I can't breathe when I run. Is this realistic? Well, I ran for 6 minutes today on the treadmill, and I didn't want to pass out. That's kind of good, right? Maybe in five and a half years, I will be able to run much farther. Swimming - now there's something I like. I used to swim lengths in university, but I am not very fast or very strong. I also tend to want to hyperventilate and I hate it when water goes up my nose. AND, I am afraid of water. I am telling the truth though, I actually like swimming. Then there is biking. I can ride a bike, but not very fast and not very well. I rode 40 km this past summer, and I almost died. I made it, but I walked the hills and I was the last one in at the finish. I think in five and a half years, I could ride a little better. Maybe I should buy a bike?
So, I am beginning to take my narrow minded life plan and branch out a bit. That's a scary thing for me! I am a planner, through and through. When I was in high school, I wanted to be a teacher. Check on the degree, not so much on the actual career. It's on hold. When I moved to the city I live in now for university, I decided I was going to find a husband. Well, I did that, and it worked out wonderfully. The moment I set foot here I began to look. It took me just over a year. I met my hubby when I was nineteen and married him at twenty two. Good for me, that part of my plan worked out. Then I wanted to be married for five years, build my career, and then have kids. That one has turned out to be a little backwards. Oh well, cest la vie.
My list of things I wanted to do in my life is incomplete, and now I am adding more ambitions. I wonder how much stress this will add to my life? I already stress about the fact that I am almost thirty and have not been able to establish myself in a school district. I put a lot of time and energy into writing, trying to take my career in a different direction, or at least add to it. Now I want to bellydance and do a triathlon. Oh dear, what have I gotten myself into?
All I know is that I can't live life without goals. I need them to motivate me and spur me on to move my butt. If I don't have them, my life will easily get soaked up by my domestic duties, supplemented by bad daytime television. So, yeah, I have some lofty goals. That's okay. I need them, and it's kind of fun to branch out a little and take on something completely different. Here goes nothing!
Here are some of my current lifetime goals: (If you don't put them out there, who will hold you accountable?)
1) Finish and publish at least one novel
2) Become a freelance writer and editor
3) Go back to teaching
4) Get my master's and PhD and teach English at a university
5) Sing in a band
6) Own a coffee shop and import and roast my own beans
7) Travel SOMEWHERE
8) Compete in a Triathlon
9) Take bellydancing
Lofty Goals...
Monday, September 6, 2010
The Value of Self
Each of us has the inherent right to exist. We were born, and therefore have the right to be alive. What we don't realize is just how important we are. Every woman I have ever met, and many men too, have a view of themselves that I believe was not the intention when we came into being, however you believe that to have happened. I feel as though we don't see the worth in ourselves, and when we don't realize this truth, we are unable to reach our full potential as human beings.
How many times have you said to yourself, "I'm just not good enough," or "I just don't have what it takes," dissuading yourself from success? How many times have you looked in the mirror and been dissatisfied with what you saw? How many times have you failed and given up? I believe the human race has a sickness called 'self-depreciation.' Why don't we value ourselves the way we should? There are many answers to that question, and it is different for every person and every situation. All I know are the reasons I have devalued myself, and I can only guess as to why others do it. What I want to see is my generation, and those generations coming after me to learn the value of the self. We need to understand and realize that we are worth the air we breathe, and that to deny ourselves this is a grave crime.
When we begin to understand just how valuable we are, life can take a completely different course. When we treat ourselves poorly and allow others to treat us poorly, we live below the standard we were made for. We tend to be unhappy, unfulfilled, angry, bitter and resentful. When we take the time to look at the good in us, and not allow others to treat us badly, we walk in an empowered existence. We are then able to look past life's setbacks and move forward. We can take the abuse others dole out and push it away, not internalizing it. We can heal from past hurts, and emerge from inside ourselves, giving positivity, love, and faith to others. But first we need to stop devaluing ourselves.
So, for what reasons have I devalued myself? Much of it stems from childhood, rejection, abuse and being treated poorly. Every person on the planet is abused by another at some point in their lives, but we cannot continue to allow that ill treatment to change how we view ourselves. When I was young, I was abused by someone I trusted. That caused me to view myself as usable and expendable. I was too young to realize that I didn't have to allow it to affect my perspective on myself, and so I carry that with me. Over the years, I have been rejected by many people: men, church, friends. I have caught myself saying I felt discarded like a piece of trash. What I didn't realize was that by saying I felt like trash, I was beginning to view myself as trash. Well, I am not trash, and I am deeply saddened that I ever thought that, for even one second.
While I carry all the poor treatment I have suffered at the hands of others, I have internalized my own poor treatment. Because I was told over and over again that I wasn't good enough, I began to believe that I wasn't good enough. I couldn't be good enough for anyone. I began to sabotage my relationships because I thought people were going to see the image I thought I was - that they would figure out I wasn't good enough. They would figure out I felt worthless on the inside, and they would believe it too. I internalized hurtful words and actions, and began to hurt myself with them. When I think about it logically, I ask myself why on earth I would abuse myself. What could I possibly gain by perpetuating the cycle of hurt inside? The answer is nothing, only grief. This is not a way to live. Now I can see that I have bruised myself. I can see the scars I have inflicted, and I have made a promise to myself to be a little gentler, to treat myself better. I wouldn't take a knife and cut up my body, so why should I cut up my psyche?
But how can we stop this vicious cycle? The first thing we need to realize is that our value as human beings was set the moment we came into existence, and it cannot change. We were given life, something that should never be taken lightly. Because we have the privilege of being alive, we are intrinsically valuable. No one on the planet can lower our value, not even ourselves. The truth is still true, whether we believe it or not. We have the gift of life, and who are we to demean it?
I'm not saying we can stop eating our humble pie and walk around with inflated heads. I just think we need to realize that we are valuable, and no matter how many times we are told otherwise, it's not going to change. So, I have some things I need to work on. So, I have a bit of a temper. So, I am not always the most patient, or kind, or affectionate person. I am still a person of value, and now that I can see that, I have slowed down on the inner self-mutilation. I can see that I deserve to live a good and happy life. I can see that I need to treat myself well, body and soul. I can see that when I am down on myself, I'm just falling into old cycles, and I now have the ability to pull myself out of it. Do I always do it? No. But I know I can, and that's a start.
Gone are the days when I don't appreciate myself. Gone are the days when I think I am not good enough for some person or some job or some group. Gone are the days when I abuse and belittle myself. Gone are the days when I allow others' hurtful words and actions to turn into a cycle of self abuse I cannot crawl out of.
My earnest hope is that I can pass this on to my children, and everyone else around me. I am so far from perfect, and even now I am asking myself, "Who am I to be preaching to everyone?" Well, I am a person of value. I know I have flaws, and that's okay. I want this thing that has allowed me to heal from old hurts and see things differently pass on to others. I sincerely hope that when you look in the mirror today, you can smile and tell yourself you are valuable, acceptable, beautiful and even priceless. Because you are.
How many times have you said to yourself, "I'm just not good enough," or "I just don't have what it takes," dissuading yourself from success? How many times have you looked in the mirror and been dissatisfied with what you saw? How many times have you failed and given up? I believe the human race has a sickness called 'self-depreciation.' Why don't we value ourselves the way we should? There are many answers to that question, and it is different for every person and every situation. All I know are the reasons I have devalued myself, and I can only guess as to why others do it. What I want to see is my generation, and those generations coming after me to learn the value of the self. We need to understand and realize that we are worth the air we breathe, and that to deny ourselves this is a grave crime.
When we begin to understand just how valuable we are, life can take a completely different course. When we treat ourselves poorly and allow others to treat us poorly, we live below the standard we were made for. We tend to be unhappy, unfulfilled, angry, bitter and resentful. When we take the time to look at the good in us, and not allow others to treat us badly, we walk in an empowered existence. We are then able to look past life's setbacks and move forward. We can take the abuse others dole out and push it away, not internalizing it. We can heal from past hurts, and emerge from inside ourselves, giving positivity, love, and faith to others. But first we need to stop devaluing ourselves.
So, for what reasons have I devalued myself? Much of it stems from childhood, rejection, abuse and being treated poorly. Every person on the planet is abused by another at some point in their lives, but we cannot continue to allow that ill treatment to change how we view ourselves. When I was young, I was abused by someone I trusted. That caused me to view myself as usable and expendable. I was too young to realize that I didn't have to allow it to affect my perspective on myself, and so I carry that with me. Over the years, I have been rejected by many people: men, church, friends. I have caught myself saying I felt discarded like a piece of trash. What I didn't realize was that by saying I felt like trash, I was beginning to view myself as trash. Well, I am not trash, and I am deeply saddened that I ever thought that, for even one second.
While I carry all the poor treatment I have suffered at the hands of others, I have internalized my own poor treatment. Because I was told over and over again that I wasn't good enough, I began to believe that I wasn't good enough. I couldn't be good enough for anyone. I began to sabotage my relationships because I thought people were going to see the image I thought I was - that they would figure out I wasn't good enough. They would figure out I felt worthless on the inside, and they would believe it too. I internalized hurtful words and actions, and began to hurt myself with them. When I think about it logically, I ask myself why on earth I would abuse myself. What could I possibly gain by perpetuating the cycle of hurt inside? The answer is nothing, only grief. This is not a way to live. Now I can see that I have bruised myself. I can see the scars I have inflicted, and I have made a promise to myself to be a little gentler, to treat myself better. I wouldn't take a knife and cut up my body, so why should I cut up my psyche?
But how can we stop this vicious cycle? The first thing we need to realize is that our value as human beings was set the moment we came into existence, and it cannot change. We were given life, something that should never be taken lightly. Because we have the privilege of being alive, we are intrinsically valuable. No one on the planet can lower our value, not even ourselves. The truth is still true, whether we believe it or not. We have the gift of life, and who are we to demean it?
I'm not saying we can stop eating our humble pie and walk around with inflated heads. I just think we need to realize that we are valuable, and no matter how many times we are told otherwise, it's not going to change. So, I have some things I need to work on. So, I have a bit of a temper. So, I am not always the most patient, or kind, or affectionate person. I am still a person of value, and now that I can see that, I have slowed down on the inner self-mutilation. I can see that I deserve to live a good and happy life. I can see that I need to treat myself well, body and soul. I can see that when I am down on myself, I'm just falling into old cycles, and I now have the ability to pull myself out of it. Do I always do it? No. But I know I can, and that's a start.
Gone are the days when I don't appreciate myself. Gone are the days when I think I am not good enough for some person or some job or some group. Gone are the days when I abuse and belittle myself. Gone are the days when I allow others' hurtful words and actions to turn into a cycle of self abuse I cannot crawl out of.
My earnest hope is that I can pass this on to my children, and everyone else around me. I am so far from perfect, and even now I am asking myself, "Who am I to be preaching to everyone?" Well, I am a person of value. I know I have flaws, and that's okay. I want this thing that has allowed me to heal from old hurts and see things differently pass on to others. I sincerely hope that when you look in the mirror today, you can smile and tell yourself you are valuable, acceptable, beautiful and even priceless. Because you are.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Infolinks In Text Ads
So I just recently added a new money making thing on my blog called Infolinks. Below is a brief description of it. The company suggests telling my viewers what it is etc. Thought I'd let you know.
These links are part of a pay per click advertising program called Infolinks. Infolinks is an In Text advertising service: they take my text and create links within it. If you hover with your mouse over these double underlined links, you will see a small dialog box containing advertisement related to the text marked. You can choose to either move the mouse away and go on with your browsing, or to press on the box and go to the ad page which is relevant to the text.
These links are part of a pay per click advertising program called Infolinks. Infolinks is an In Text advertising service: they take my text and create links within it. If you hover with your mouse over these double underlined links, you will see a small dialog box containing advertisement related to the text marked. You can choose to either move the mouse away and go on with your browsing, or to press on the box and go to the ad page which is relevant to the text.
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