Christmas! Craziness!

It feels like forever since I posted here!  I have been ridiculously busy (well, it's December, haven't we all?).  I can't believe Christmas is less than a week away.  It's a little surreal.  I've been anticipating it this year, trying to be ready before the day of, trying to be organized and all of that, but to my intense chagrin, I am none of the above.  I just got home from buying mountains of stocking stuffers, and I don't think I have everything I need for everyone just yet.  Not that it's that big of a deal, but, the perfectionist in me just wants everything I want.  I know that if certain things don't make their way under the tree this year, it will be alright.  The world will not end.  The kids will still be happy.  We will all be together, and that's the greatest gift of all.

This Christmas is extra special for me this year (and for all of us).  I'm sure I have mentioned before that my sister moved in with us this August, and this is our first Christmas morning together since we were kids.  I'm so excited!  I find that I have to stop and pinch myself once in a while (figuratively...I wouldn't actually pinch myself...ouch!) so that I know all the amazing things in my life are actually real.  Things I have wanted for so long are finally happening, and the payoff is fantastic.  I love that both my girls get the whole Christmas thing now, I love that this will be my eleventh Christmas with my husband, and we are still crazy about each other, I love that I have so many people to see and so many things to do this holiday season.  It's going to be a mad rush until the new year now, but it's so worth it.  We'll be traveling and traveling and visiting, eating, cooking, laughing, not sleeping...but it will be worth every single moment.  These are the kinds of times that create memories that last forever.  I feel a stupid lot of stress about everything, but at the same time, I am elated about every single thing happening right now.  I love Christmas! 

Some of my most vivid and special memories happened at Christmas.  I remember my mom always picking out the cutest Charlie Brown Christmas trees, and the whole family taking a day to decorate it while we listened to her favorite Christmas music (Neil Diamond...a tradition I continue because I love it).  I remember huge family gatherings at Grandma's house, and later at my aunts' houses with all of my cousins and it being crazy hectic to get us all in the same room for a picture.  I remember the huge stockings my mom made for our family - my sister still has hers and it's hanging up next to the tree.  I remember the smell of her baking, and condensed milk, and candied fruit, sugar and chocolate.  I remember quiche and mimosas for breakfast (of course, we kids just had orange juice), and there always being one special thing under the tree that stayed unwrapped for us to find right away.  I remember my mom's laughter as she lived Christmas spirit through the whole season. This time of year is the stuff that makes all that warmth continue to live on in us.  This time of year is where some of my most poignant memories have been formed, and I hope to give the same thing to my own kids now. 

I hope my kids will remember Christmas as the time when we saw everyone; the time when we made a point to spend quality time with the people we love, with family, friends and each other.  I want them to remember the sound of Neil Diamond blaring as we drink hot chocolate and decorate the tree.  I hope they remember smiles, laughter, the smell of turkey and baking gingerbread men.  I hope they remember the love that drips from each moment of Christmas. 

I hope you create some special memories this Christmas!  Merry Christmas everyone!

Life, Moments, and the Journey

Isn't life weird?  I mean, honestly, are you where you envisioned yourself ten years ago?  I know I'm not.  I am not even close to where I planned I would be, but, I am happy.  But that's beside the point.  My point is that life is strange.  It takes you so many different places, and if you're not present in the proverbial "now" you'll miss out on the journey.  And that's what it's all about now, isn't it?  The journey?  I'm sure many would say that the destination is what matters, not how you got there, but the getting there is the best part.  Getting there is how you grow and learn.  Getting there is full of twists and turns, love and heartache, tears, pain, joy, sorrow, exuberance...you get the idea.  The journey to our final destination, whatever and wherever that may be, is what we call life.  So, if you're focusing only on your goal, your end, your destination, then, are you living?  Are you really finding those moments in life that make it worth being alive?

I am a planner.  My whole life I've been someone who looks ahead to the next great thing.  I look for destinations, I set goals, I take steps and I reach them.  I am impatient for the passing of time.  I am always imagining what it will be like when I reach said goals.  But the thing is, that when I actually get there, I am rarely satisfied and always planning for that next thing.  What is up with that?  I am an achiever, yes.  But I have to just stop sometimes and see right now for what it is.  Right now is made up of all those amazing moments that make life.  And, in very little time, life can completely change.  I've seen this time and time again.  In the blink of an eye, life changes.  Like when someone you love passes on to their next life.  Or when you fall in love.  For me, these two tings have certainly happened, more than once.  Life is never the same after such an event.  When my mom passed away, obviously, my life changed utterly and completely.  Since then, I have seen many people pass on from this life, and each time, I have been changed irreparably.  Life is not the same without the people you care about in it.

Falling in love is also one of those complete life changers, and for me, it's generally a knee jerk reaction.  When I was a kid, I loved so many people fiercely and intensely, and each time, it was like I was punched in the gut one moment.  I still carry that love with me to this day.  It will never go away.  Ever.  It still happens like that.  Within two weeks of casually dating my husband, I knew I was completely in love with him.  I even remember saying, out loud, that I would marry him.  And I did.  It's like that with friends too.  When I meet someone I connect with, it's instant.  For my part, I usually know who I am going to be close with and who I am not going to pursue a relationship with.  In the past five years, it's definitely been a tricky thing for me, but I have begun opening up a lot more to the people around me and I'm just falling in love with people all over again, or for the first time.  It's just as intense and fierce as it ever was.  My heart is like, "Hi, I'm Dara.  And, I will love you forever.  So there."  It's a funny thing.  But if I hadn't taken time out of my planned, busy, scheduled life, I would never have had opportunity to meet either my husband or my dear friends who I cherish so much.  Does that make sense?  It's taking a few moments to stop, and look at what is around you.  It's seeing the journey, and adding things to it that make it so rich.

The richness of life is absolutely astounding.  I am always flat broke, but I have so much more than money.  I am incredibly wealthy!  I sometimes forget; I get so wrapped up in the schedule and the goals (like how I'm stupidly impatient about getting my Master's) that I can miss those special moments that make life, the wonderful journey that it is, worth while.  Like those magic moments I talked about in my last post, it's the journey that you're on right now that makes life.  While we have to adhere to the 9-5 life our society has put in place, to a certain extent anyway, we can still take notice of the journey we're on and make sure we're making it worth while.  I struggle sometimes with the fact that I want to be taking my Master's, moving into writing in a more professional capacity, teaching at colleges and universities etcetera, but I know that the life I am living right at this moment is insanely rich.  What's more is that the richness just keeps on getting deeper and more vast with each new relationship I make (or re-make, as the case may be), with each moment I spend with my children, my husband, my sister, my father, my family, my dear friends...I could go on and on.  You get the idea.

So my friends, here's to the journey.  This life we've been given is insanely awesome, full of good and bad, full of happy and sad, anger, and joy.  Don't miss it by only being able to focus on the future.  While I am certainly in favor of planning for your future, setting goals and taking steps to get what you want and go where you want, I also recognize how important it is to take stock of your journey from time to time, and to make sure you're making the most of each moment.  When the moment is gone, all that is left is a memory.  Make it a good and lasting one.

Building Dreams

Have you ever taken a look at your life and realized that you just want more?  I've been doing this for as long as I've been writing this blog, and indeed for my whole life.  I can't remember a time when I didn't want something more, something further, something bigger.  I am always striving for bigger and better things, and quite frankly, I am exhausted, frustrated and I don't have time.  It's hard when you can't have what you want when you want it.  Waiting, as you know, is not my strength.

Yesterday I started looking into Master's programs at various universities around me.  The first thing I thought of was Athabasca University, because it is all online and suits my lifestyle.  If I could do an online program, I could still work and could possibly even start sooner than I had anticipated.  I have at least 3 years before my two year old starts school, and so I had resigned myself to the fact that I'd have to wait at least that long.  But I started to get my hopes up thinking that if I could do something online, I could just take one course at a time until I have more free time.

My hopes were crushed when I discovered Athabasca doesn't have what I'm looking for.  They have integrated degrees, where you get a more well rounded approach and have to take courses outside your field of study.  This is something I definitely don't want.  I want my M.A. in English, and I don't want to take anything else.  I have already done that!  I attended at liberal arts university for my B.A. and I took plenty of courses that had nothing to do with English, thank you very much.  I am not going back to school just to get a piece of paper.  I am going back because I have a serious love affair with the written word and I just need more of it in my life.  I want to be immersed in it, spend hours in old libraries smelling the worn pages of old books and just write.  So, it looks like this dream is still on hold.  I am in no position to do an on campus program right now, and besides, I just don't have the time just yet.  It's frustrating!

I just want!  This dream of going back to school has been growing in my gut for a while now, but with each passing day it is becoming more and more tangible.  I know that three years will go by quickly, but honestly, I am just so impatient!  I have a long road ahead of me.  I don't just want a Master's degree; I want a Doctorate as well, and I know that one is way out of my reach, especially from where I am now.  I look at my life, what I am doing, and what I want and it all seems so incongruent.  I am immersed in early childhood education, babies, babies, babies and being a homemaker.  I've written before about how I really didn't see myself in this position, and how it has been difficult coming to terms with where I am as opposed to where I want to be.  I still feel this way, but I also understand that this is the time I am in, and that is okay.  But I still want more, and I always will.

Aside from all this dreaming of going back to school, I have been doing A LOT of writing, which makes my heart so happy.  I have been working on two separate writing/editing projects, and I have been inspired lately to write more poetry, which in the world of literature is my first love.  Here's a link to my other blog where I am exploring some of that work: http://darasotherside.blogspot.com/ 

The important thing I need to keep in mind when I am going crazy with all this wanting is that I will have it when the time comes.  For now, I realize that I need to be in the present, watching my kids grow and mature and caring for them the best way I know how.  Building dreams keeps me motivated and sane, and helps me remember that I am still my own person in the midst of all these little people and household chores.  So, what's your dream?  Are you pursuing it today?  Or are you like me, waiting, and watching the clock?

Finding the Magic

I have a bad habit of getting wrapped up in the small crises in my life.  At this point, I find that I am easily stressed, and I realize I need some better ways of coping.  My stress doesn't just affect me.  I have my kids, my family, and my day home to think about when I am trying to deal with it.  And believe me, it takes a lot of effort sometimes.  I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about.

So lately I have been trying to take a step outside of myself a little more often.  I have been trying to notice things that make me smile, or calm me down or make me think of something other than my stress.  I have been attempting to find those magic moments throughout my day that make all this craziness I call life worth while.

There are so many moments throughout the day that can get lost if I let them.  If I let my tunnel vision get the best of me, I miss the sweet stuff.  Like a couple weeks ago, my two year old started the day off with a song and dance, accompanied by purposeful falling down and cheering.  She did it for about five minutes straight, and I am so glad I didn't miss it.  I actually recorded it, and watching it again and again makes my heart warm.  It was the sweetest, funniest little moment, and it totally made my morning.  It was magical.

There are so many magic moments if we just stop and try to see them.  In my life, the things that stress me tend to crowd out those amazing little life moments, but I am more determined than ever to see them through it all.  It takes purposeful looking.  So, I purposefully look.  I am not perfect at this, but I do try.  It is a process, and something I have to train myself to do.  For example, the other day my two year old and a child in my day home were playing with moonsand at the table.  I knew going in that my daughter was going to make a huge mess (I can't stand messes, and it makes me crazy when my kids are messy, but they are kids, so I have to chill), and I told myself that going in.  I gave her a very small amount of sand, hoping that it would make clean up later on a little easier.  Not the case.  She got the stuff everywhere.  And I don't just mean all over the floor.  She thought it would be a good idea to rub it on her cheeks, put it in her mouth, hair, and just generally grind it into every exposed piece of skin.  If you've ever seen moonsand, you know it's not regular sand that you can just brush off.  It sticks together when pressed and you can actually build things with it - and I found out that it's difficult to wipe off of a toddler's cheeks when she has rubbed it in so vigorously.  As I was beginning to get really frustrated and annoyed at myself for allowing her to play with this stuff (because really, it wasn't her fault), I had to just stop and look at her face.  It was covered in red sand and looked hilarious.  She was so, so cute.  That's a little bit of magic right there.  She was just so precious sitting there covered in sand and smirking.

Another example from my two year old involves yet another mess.  I don't know if I have adequately expressed how much I hate messes, but it causes me a great deal of anxiety...I don't know why.  We were eating out, and had had a very long day.  A friend had come to meet us and this was her first experience with my kids.  Of course, when you want them to behave, they just don't.  My little toddler, in her delirious exhaustion, took her juice box and squeezed it onto her head.  It pooled all over the bench and into her jeans (which she had to sit in the whole two hour drive home because I didn't pack spares).  It got all over her and all over everything else.  At this point, I was freaking out on the inside.  I was also pretty tired, and just didn't have the energy to deal with her craziness.  I made a decision at that moment to see the humor in the situation instead of freaking out (which would be the usual response).  Picturing it now makes me smile - her little hands holding this juice box poised above her head, mischievous smile on her face, and then juice pouring everywhere - absolutely hilarious!  That's a moment I won't soon forget.  That was magic.  I'm so glad I could see it.

I try hard to look for those magical moments.  They can be just about anything; being hugged at some unexpected moment, my kids randomly doing sweet things, like saying "I love you" or when my six year old randomly announced at lunch time the other day, "You're the best mom I could ever have."  It could be hearing from someone you care about, being told you're thought of, or simply looking out the window at the gorgeous fall leaves.  Whatever magic is around, it is usually easily missed, if you're not looking.

Patience, anyone?

I am almost always introspective.  I find it so important to understand my motivations for my behavior and thought patterns, because so often, they are not beneficial for me.  If I can't recognize my motivations, and think about myself in an objective way, then I cannot change.  I believe we should always be working on bringing out our best selves, in order to live our best lives.  Why settle for anything less than best?  This is the only life we have (that we can know of for sure), so why would we strive for mediocre?  That is why I push myself so hard to do things that I love, like writing, even though my life is so busy. 

I find it very easy to get wrapped up in things.  If I find something worth my time, I want to put all my energy into it.  This tends to throw me out of whack!  I want a balanced life, but in reality, I have anything but.  I keep on piling things into my packed life because I am forever wanting more, and I am always restless.  There are things I want to pursue, and suffice to say that patience is not one of my virtues.  Waiting for things doesn't come easily for me, so I jump in and try to do as much as possible at any give time.  Now, while I realize that my motivations behind it are that I have desires, drive and even a need to go after the things I want out of life, I also understand that this kind of living doesn't help with balance.

I have been trying to figure out this whole balance thing forever.  I sincerely wish that I didn't require sleep, or that the days were longer and I had more time.  There are so many things I want!  So, I just keep piling things on.  The bags under my eyes are a sure sign that I am not finding balance.  What can I do though?  I suppose I should work on patience...but the things I want, I want them now.  Once I get an idea in my head, I have an insane need to set it into motion and make it happen.  My head is so full of ideas and aspirations and wants and needs that sometimes I think it might explode!  Not to mention the fact that there are some very important people who need me.  And I sincerely love to be needed. 

So, amidst nine to ten hour work days, weekends that are frenzied and full, and people who I want to give my time and energy to, there is my writing, my fitness, my education, and maybe a little bit of fun to try and fit into my life.  I hate waiting, but fully understand that now is not a good time to start my Master's degree (even though I am jumping out of my skin with wanting!!).  I have put my own novel on hold to work on other, more immediately lucrative projects, because there is just no time to get it done right now, unless I want to not sleep ever (and, considering what we know about me and no sleep, we know that's a bad idea).  Plus, I wouldn't be able to produce quality writing anyways. So, right now in my introspective state, I am working on patience.  I think I'll always have to work on it, but I recognize that I am severely lacking in this department.  So many things need to wait, because I just don't have the time or energy to do them all. 

On the plus side of this patience struggle is the fact that I actually have desire and drive.  I spent a long time being wrapped up in the monotony of daily life and losing myself in the caring for others that I had no drive to grow myself.  I forgot what it was like to want things for me, for so incredibly long.  In the past, I have wanted things to prove that I was okay; that I was surviving.  Now, I want things because I just want them.  This life is it.  This is what we have, right now, today, and I don't want to waste any of it.  I love that I have found passion again (even though it makes me crazy with impatience!).  Passion and patience don't go together well, but I'd rather feel this bursting need than nothing at all. 

Life is so good.  What are you feeling passionate or impatient about today?

Worst. Day. Ever.

Today will probably go down as one of the worst I have had in a very long time.  I can't form a coherent thought that isn't attached to some kind of over the top emotion.  I can't keep my eyes open.  I can't eat, drink, sit, stand, anything.  I'm a mess!  And you know what it all boils down to?  Not sleeping. 

Okay, so I've written before about my relationship with sleep.  I don't get enough, and I am very well aware of it.  I feel it.  I rely on caffeine and being stupidly busy to make me forget my tiredness, but it is always there in the back of my mind.  It's pretty bad when you can't sit down without your eyes closing.  It's even worse when you're falling asleep while your child reads to you, or when you're trying to have a conversation.  Today is the culmination of something in my life that is going to eventually destroy my attempts at healthy living.  I literally did not sleep last night.  I laid in bed with my eyes closed for hours upon hours, attempting to shut off my brain.  If I did slip into a little bit of a snooze, I dreamed about what my mind was churning over and I woke up promptly.  Then the alarm went off at 5:15 a.m. to send my husband to work, and I realized I had lain awake the entire night.  Luckily, I did sleep between 5:30 and 7:00 a.m. but was awoken as soon as my alarm went off, which is a good sign it wasn't a deep sleep.

Today I am wrecked.  Because I am so exhausted (which is an understatement), my emotions are at an all time "crazy".  This is how I get when I'm tired.  Any little thing that happens to me affects me so much more profoundly because of my tiredness.  I am a very emotional person, and so feeling things more intensely is definitely difficult.  If I'm sad, which today I admittedly am, it consumes my thoughts entirely.  It affects me more than just in an emotional way.  My sadness will permeate everything around me, much more than it usually would.  I can't hide it when I'm tired.

As if that's not bad enough, my body reacts to this little sleep terribly too (um, yeah, of course!).  Today I have eaten a piece of fruit and a bun.  I have had one cup of coffee, and not until about 1:00 p.m. because the thought of it made me want to vomit.  Making toast for my kids this morning made my stomach flip.  I couldn't stand up without insane nausea.  And no, I'm not sick or pregnant.  I have just slept too little in the past few months, and last night threw me over the edge.  I really need to change something.

Moral of the story?  Get some sleep.  Seriously. 

Ups and Downs

Ups and downs; we all have them.  I have them several times a day, as a matter of fact.  I have them emotionally (it doesn't take a whole lot to set me off, especially lately for some reason), and I have them physically.  Since my post in February about losing 52 pounds, I have had many ups and downs on the scale.  But it has actually made me quite aware of what I have to do to maintain a healthy weight and a healthy body.

Over the summer, I gained a few pounds.  The scale was at about 164 - 165 after a month of moving stress, among other things.  I could see it in the mirror.  I could feel it in my clothes.  I was super unhappy about it.  But, it has since come off and I am sticking to around 160, which seems to be my go-to weight.  Now, while I can see where another ten pounds would be good to drop, I don't feel unhappy about this.  I am so proud that I have been able to maintain a weight within ten pounds of what I consider the ideal weight for my body, and I am super comfortable in my skin right now.  I look in the mirror, and honest to goodness, I like what I see.  I am happy with myself, with my body, with my health.  I don't deny myself the little indulgences that I crave, I eat a generally very healthy diet (though sometimes I forget to eat lunch, still) and I feel pretty good.  The only complaint I have is in the energy department, which is due to lack of sleep, and I know it.  I have a love/hate relationship with sleep, and I definitely need to remedy that problem. 

So I have had minor ups and downs on the scale this year, but they have never gone up more than ten pounds, and have always come back down to something more reasonable for me.  Of that, I am incredibly proud.  I am certain of myself, and of my ability to be at a healthy weight for the rest of my life.  I can't say that I will never be heavy again because I still battle with my emotional eating problem, but I can say that I value myself enough to know that I will always work to be healthy.  I love myself enough to take care of myself, both physically and emotionally.  Happiness is a choice (stole that phrase from someone, but it's true).  And, instead of looking at my ups and downs with a negative perspective, I choose to be proud, happy and certain of myself. 

Being Open

I've dug myself into a sort of hole in the last while.  In the last year, I have retreated inside myself, and held everyone around me at arm's length.  I have had very few occasions where I felt like I could relax and just be myself.  If you've read my posts all year, you know that it's been a trying time.  Now, I have been trying to take a step back and examine my behavior to figure out what I need to do to change that.  And, things have been changing for me in a significant way.

It wasn't a conscious choice, to open up to other people.  This isn't something I do easily.  My husband is the closest relationship I have, and I will sometimes even hold back from him (though he doesn't really let me, so that's a quality I appreciate in him).  I have some very wonderful friends, but I hold back pieces of myself from them too.  My family, who've known me since I was born; I hold back from them too.  I tend to keep a part of myself reserved - always have.  For one reason or another, I always have the thought in the back of my mind: "Why on earth would this person care to know about me?" or "What reason could they possibly have to want to be around me?"  Perhaps it is the self-loathing that permeated my teenage life coming back to haunt me, perhaps it is just that I was told so many times I wasn't good enough that I started to believe it.  Not that I still do, but parts of your past tend to tug at you once in a while.  But lately, though self doubt clouds it, I have been able to actually open up with people.  I have been able to share myself without the reservation.  It might be because for once in my life, I am comfortable with someone other than my husband.  Or maybe it's because I am at a point in my journey where I am actually comfortable with myself.  I can't really explain it; I just know that it is a good thing.

There is always a risk in opening up to another person.  There is risk of getting hurt, risk of being embarrassed, risk of vulnerability.  These are risks I don't tend to take.  I can be a very social person in the right setting, but this is because I have worked really hard to overcome my shyness and awkwardness.  I  am not naturally outgoing.  In truth, people scare me.  I don't like getting hurt, but at the same time, I can't and don't live my life alone.  I greatly value my solitude, but I don't want a life of it.  In the past few weeks, I have been remembering exactly what it is like to be really open, regardless of the risk.  And if I'm being honest, it scares the crap out of me.

Being open with others is so important.  What I need to remember is that I do have something to give; that I have qualities people like, and that there are people out there who actually want to know me.  It's been a completely new experience for me, not holding back at least a little, and though it scares me, I think I like it.  It's a very freeing feeling, and something I've not actually had in a very long time.  I don't think we are meant to live alone, barricading our hearts from the world.  Though people hurt each other, it's so valuable to let others in, and take the chance that maybe they could have a positive impact on you.  Relationships are about the most important thing in life.  Honestly, why are we here if not to have relationships?  I definitely believe we are not here to just work, make money and get good jobs.

Does anyone else do this?  Do you hold parts of yourself back from others because you fear the inevitable hurt that comes along with vulnerability? Though there is always risk when you open up to others, the payoff is so worth it.  To feel free, to be able to truly be yourself, to be able to let others see the real you - that's the prize.  Because you have something people want to see.  So share.

Feeling Peace

This morning I awoke feeling anxious.  I had worry in the back of my mind, and I just couldn't shake it.  I couldn't put my anxiety into words; I just felt it. 

I did something this morning that I haven't done in a long time.  I prayed.  I sometimes forget the therapeutic nature of prayer.  Whether you are praying because you believe in a higher power, or because you just need to tell the universe what's what, it is an incredibly cathartic experience.  It allows us to unload those worries, anxieties, hurts, and any other feeling that isn't easily abated.  So, I prayed a lot this morning.  I kind of had a running dialogue with the God I think is listening, explaining my anxiety and the reasons for it.  I didn't have to put many words to it, I just felt in the direction of my prayer.

At precisely 11:15 (I know this because I was looking at the oven clock while preparing lunch), an immense feeling of peace came over me.  It was so overwhelming I actually cried.  My anxiety, while the reasons for it are still there, is completely gone.  I feel happy, joyful, peaceful.  It's a pretty crazy feeling, considering I have a house full of kids (who at the moment are taking a much needed nap/quiet time) and a mountain of work awaiting me.  My smile comes very easily right now.

I don't know the reason for this peace, but I am incredibly grateful.  In my life, though I often portray a peaceful front to those looking in, most of the time I feel everything but.  My family and people close to me can attest to that.  I am very, very good at appearing happy and peaceful when on the inside I am full of stress. I am very good at faking it, but at this moment, I really don't have to.  It's a strange feeling!

And so, I am happy to share with you my peace, and I wish you all some too.  I don't know how long it will last as the stressors in my life are most definitely not gone, but while I have it, I'm going to enjoy it.

Have a lovely day!

My baby girl turns two in a week. 

I can't believe how fast this first two years of her life has gone!  I know I must sound like a broken record, but it kind of blows my mind that she is such a little girl now.  There is very little baby left in her, and while I am sort of sad that she is growing so fast, I am absolutely fascinated by the little person she is becoming.  She is a feisty little thing, and though at almost two, she weighs maybe 23 or 24 pounds (a high estimate).  Even though she is small, she can most certainly defend herself, and is incredibly spirited.  But she is so, so sweet and I can't get enough of her sometimes.

And now we're onto learning how to share and peeing on the potty.  We're into Dora the Explorer, Thomas the Train, painting, coloring on absolutely everything and her favorite, gluing.  "I want to glue Mommy" is a phrase I hear very often.  Even right now, she is saying, "I just wanna paint," and "We're going to paint later."  She is so aware of herself and her surroundings that I find it quite astounding some days.  They say that often the second child is quieter than the first, but in my case, they both give each other a run for their money.  Her vocabulary is crazy, and pretty much anyone can tell what she is saying most of the time. 

So, what to do with myself now that my baby is not a baby?  Many mothers start wanting more babies right about now.  For me, that's definitely not the case.  I have no desire whatsoever to have another child.  I am incredibly content with my two girls, and to be honest, I don't EVER want to be pregnant again.  Not that it was difficult, or terrible, but I am just over it.  I'm ready to move on.  I love older kids too; in fact, my first choice as a teacher was to teach adolescents, so you know where my head is at there.  I love babies, toddlers and preschoolers, but I also love big kids too! 

As I count down the last week of my little firecracker being a 1 year old, I think about how much I have been blessed and how amazing it is that I have these two children.  My first baby was a total surprise, a beautiful gift I loved as soon as I knew she existed; my second child was planned and purposed.  I wanted her before she was even conceived, and these two years have been amazing. 

Wow, I am so blessed.

PS - Her phrase at this moment is, "Who's kicking your butt?" Random thing she picked up from her big sister no doubt.

Burdens

I have a tendency to make everything a job.  It's how I function.  If I can look at something as a job, as a task that must get done, then it will actually get done.  I had a talk with my husband last night which made me realize that I am also doing this in my home life.  I have (without really realizing it) made taking care of my kids, being a wife, keeping my home - all of it a job.  To others looking in, they may think that I view my kids as a burden, because it's all business.  Brush your teeth, comb your hair, eat your supper, have a bath; all on an airtight schedule.

Truth is, sometimes I do feel this way.  It was never a conscious decision.  It just happened.  In a life where if I don't do things, they don't get done, I have made even caring for my family a job, a burden.  That makes me feel really awful.  My kids are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, and I absolutely adore them.  They are difficult, exhausting and demanding, but they also give me a level of fulfillment I haven't ever felt elsewhere.  It's easy to lose sight of that fact.  If you've been reading, you know that for the past year, I have been doing most of the kid and house related stuff by myself, because my husband has been working full time and going to school, leaving me to fend for myself on the homefront.  I am so used to it, that now that he's done school and home evenings, I feel off-put when he helps out.

Talk about ridiculous!  Have you ever felt this way?  I have made this space, these responsibilities, my job.  It is my territory, my domain, and when he comes in and does the dishes or gives my little one a bath, I am actually annoyed.  Ummmm, backwards?  Yes, definitely backwards.  But, on the other hand, I have been wishing for the past year that I didn't have to do it all alone.  So what's going on in my brain?

Here it is - I have made running my home a source of validation.  When I can go to bed at night having accomplished all my daily tasks, I feel good.  I feel like I did my job, and no one can tell me it's impossible.  When someone takes a task away from me, it's like they are taking away some of my value in my home domain.  Now that I have been able to take a step back and realize that this is happening, I hope I can step out of it.  I don't want to be the one who absolutely has to do everything.  I don't want to be in control of every little thing (well, actually I do, but that's another issue completely), because that causes me a great deal of anxiety.

So, I realize now that I just have to stop and enjoy those moments with my kids that are special, even if it's against my schedule.  I don't have to always follow a schedule!  What's the worst that can happen?  I have to do something later?  Okay, Dara, get over it.  While raising kids and running a home is an immense job, it doesn't have to feel like it all the time.  Kids are amazing, and sometimes I forget that.

Thanks so much to those special people in my life right now who helped me realize this.  I am so blessed to have people around who care about me enough to tell me the truth.

I know I said I was taking a hiatus, but...

I know I said I wouldn't be back until October, but I had an experience this past weekend I just have to blog about.

I have let a part of myself die, or at the very least, go dormant for a while.  I have been so busy taking care of everyone else, that I have forgotten one of the most important things about myself.  I lost my laugh.

I used to laugh a lot.  Despite all the things in my life that tried to get me down when I was younger, I still held onto my ability to have fun.  Well, lately I have seriously lacked fun.  I have been so wrapped up in my responsibilities and dozens of jobs that this part of myself has taken a back seat.  This past weekend, I rediscovered my laugh, and a few other things that I have lost.

This weekend I took Friday and Monday off to celebrate my good friend's thirtieth birthday in Kelowna, BC.  It's been a long time since I was able to get away without my kids, and I must say, it was nice to be responsible for no one but myself.  The girls I spent the weekend with really helped me gain perspective on a few things in my life.  Some of the girls I've known since I was a kid, some I feel like I have but actually just met.  I had forgotten how amazing it is to just let loose with people you care about and trust.  I felt comfortable instantly (I am often uncomfortable in unfamiliar situations), and I realized just how much I needed to reconnect with amazing friends.

Today, I am feeling the effects of my crazy weekend.  I am fairly certain I slept about six or seven hours in the entire four days, but that isn't what is affecting me.  I danced all night in heels and sustained some serious injuries to my big toes (pretty sure I'll be losing my toenails), but that's not the biggest thing.  The hugest effect I am still feeling from an awesome weekend full of memorable moments is the sore muscles in my stomach from all the laughter.  I haven't laughed so hard for so long in literally years, and it felt good!  And while my body is certainly protesting that I am not as young as I used to be, what I am going to take from this whole thing is that I need to continue to reconnect with friends, and stay in touch with that part of me who loves to laugh.

For so long now, my life has been all business.  While I certainly appreciate all the wonderful things I have, I dearly miss my fun self.  From the moment I wake up in the morning until the moment I hit the pillow to go back to bed, I work.  I work at taking care of my kids and my family.  I work at my job, I work at my fitness, I work at my health.  I work at my writing and at pretty much everything else I do.  This weekend I remembered what it was like to just let life happen, to savor it, to simply enjoy the company of some wonderful people without having to work so hard.  I don't have to work for these people to like and accept me - they just do.  I don't have to prove a single thing to them, because they are my friends and most of them have been since I was a kid (and one I feel like I have known for my whole life even though I just met her on Friday...you know who you are!).  I lose myself so easily in the crushing pressure of this life I have built, and I was reminded this weekend that I need to take that part of me back, and nurture it from time to time.  I need to remember that I don't have to kill myself with work, and that life is allowed to just happen, and that's okay.

Thanks girls for an amazing weekend!

A Brief Hiatus

Hello all.  I wanted to let all my readers know that I will be taking a brief hiatus from blogging.  Yes, yes, I realize that it will be difficult to get through the week without reading one of my ridiculous rants about how much I eat, or how tired I am or what crazy thing my kids are doing, but honestly, I have a good reason!  Did you catch my sarcasm there?  

Anyways, the reason I am taking a break is because I have a freelance writing project I need to put all my spare time into, so I won't have a lot of time to write my blog.  I will be back though!  My deadline is the end of September, so I will start writing again in about a month.  Thank you so much for reading my posts, and make sure you watch for my return!

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

Fall is around the corner, and as I prepare my daughter for her first day of grade one next week, I can't help but be excited for what this school year is going to bring.  I always love the first days of school, and even though I haven't had the joy of welcoming a new group of students into my classroom for a few years now, I still feel that sense of anticipation that comes with it.  I live vicariously through my teacher friends and my daughter.  I love when school starts.

I think I love it so much because it has always been a fresh start for me.  Each fall brings a set of new possibilities, whether I'm in the classroom or not.  This fall I start some  new clients full time, and I look so forward to getting back into a consistent routine.  I have probably relaxed a little too much this summer in terms of my day home programming and sticking to routine - but isn't that what summer is about?  I love lazing around on the deck watching my kids play in the water or ride scooters and bikes.  I love not worrying about the mad morning rush to get everyone out the door (or in, in my case) in the morning.  I love not wearing socks! 

But fall is a whole other story.  Fall brings a crisp freshness that makes me want to take deep breath and inhale the scent of leaves as they fall from the trees.  Fall means more work and less sleep, but it also means a return to structure and learning, which to me is fantastic!

As I mentioned, my daughter starts grade one next week.  That means full days of school, which is going to be a huge adjustment for all of us.  I am so used to having her around at least half days.  She is an incredible help in the day home - directing play, helping her sister and other little ones, or just being another arm for me when I need it.  It's also going to be A LOT quieter!  She seriously lacks volume control, especially when she gets excited or hyper.  It might be nice to have a little bit more quiet during the day, but chances are, I am going to miss it.

I also get more motivated in the fall.  When I am busy, I find that I can actually get more other stuff done.  It's a 'being in the zone' thing.  When I have too much to do, I tend to get most of it done.  When I have a chance to relax, pretty much nothing gets done at all.  Anyone else experience this?  I sometimes work better when I'm incredibly stressed out.  But this fall is going to start kind of like a long-distance race.  Not only is my day home going full time for the first time since May, but I am also taking on a writing project that will take some considerable time and I get a new client in October, not to mention my little one turns two that month as well.  It's going to be a crazy few months.  CRAZY.  But I'm up for it.  I really am.  I am excited about this writing project, and about settling in to a new routine with my new kids.  It's going to be good.

Another awesome thing is that I can actually pay some attention to my fitness again!  My husband is now home every evening - a HUGE change from the past 9 months.  I'll actually be able to go the gym in the evening.  I could even go to yoga classes once a week because I don't have to be at home for my kids without a vehicle.  I have gained about ten pounds this summer, and let me tell you, I am not pleased with myself.  I know why it's creeped up on me, and I know what I have to do to get it back off.  I refuse to let my body go back to the way it was, and I feel much more motivated to get out there and work hard. 

So, with the fall approaching, I say goodbye to lazy summer days of only making my minimal requirements and hello to some crazy times filled with hard work, lots of stress and most of all, a refreshing sense of accomplishment.

My Addiction

I have a secret.  I am addicted to a powerful drug.  I wake up every morning thinking about it.  I suffer withdrawal symptoms if I don't have it.  It makes me happy, less irritable, helps me get through my day, and is an integral part of my family's life.  Even my children know that if mommy doesn't get her fix in the morning, don't bug her.  The drug I'm talking about isn't some scary illegal street drug.  It's not a mind altering substance that makes me unable to function in daily life.  It's something found in many things we consume all the time.  The drug I am completely addicted to is caffeine. 

I'm not exaggerating when I say I am addicted to caffeine.  I am totally dependent on it.  Making that wonderful pot of coffee in the morning is one of the first things I do, and honestly, I can't get going without it.  After a night's sleep, I usually wake with a headache because my body wants caffeine.  That headache doesn't subside until I've had a cup of coffee.  I also find that I am irritable, tired, and lethargic if I don't have it.  And I can't substitute other forms of caffeine for my coffee.  It absolutely has to be coffee, which leads me to believe that not only is it a physical addiction, but it is also a psychological one.  Tea, cola, or anything else that has caffeine in it never quite cuts it for me.  Yesterday is a prime example.

I ran out of coffee yesterday.  I had just enough to make one weak cup, and let me tell you, it wasn't enough to get me through the day!  I had to work very hard to keep my irritability in check, I was practically falling asleep every time I sat down, and I just wanted more all day long.  When I know I am not going to get my coffee, I literally panic.  That's how I felt yesterday!  Panicked!  It's sad really.

But here's the thing.  Although I fully understand that having this addiction doesn't benefit my life in any way, shape or form, I am reluctant to do anything to break it.  I have done it before.  When I was pregnant with my first child, coffee made me want to vomit, so I was able to give it up.  My body adjusted to not having it every day, and I must say, it was strange.  After my daughter was born, I quickly slipped back into the habit, and I haven't been able to break it since (not that I have tried).  I keep thinking I should do something about it, but in reality, I know that I won't.  I just love it too much.

It's amazing to me that such a small, seemingly unimportant thing dictates so much in my life.  I am utterly dependent on it, and since I am a coffee snob, I spend way too much money feeding my habit.  While many people spend six or seven bucks on a can of Folgers every couple of weeks, I absolutely have to buy Starbucks, Kicking Horse, or Salt Spring coffee, which are between fifteen and twenty dollars a pound.  And I go through just over a pound a week in my house.  Talk about an expensive habit (but an oh, so delicious one)!  I will go to a completely different store than the one I do my grocery shopping in because they carry the brand of coffee I want.  And it can't be pre-ground either.  It has to be whole bean, and it has to be fresh.  I need it to still have the lovely, aromatic oils on the beans when I open the package.  Ohhhhh, just thinking about the smell makes my knees a little weak.  I'm telling you, if Starbucks paid enough, I would work there for the rest of my life (I spent four years working there during and just after university).

But I digress.  I could go on and on about what makes a good cup of coffee, but that wasn't what I wanted to write about.  I wanted to talk about my addiction to caffeine.  I know I am not the only one in this boat.  There are many millions of people who share my dependency!  And though I have no desire to give it up, I suppose it's something I should at least think about.  There are many things we can be dependent on, and it doesn't have to be addictive substances.  There are several things we unknowingly put in the driver's seat in our lives, and the more we depend on them, the harder it is to stand on our own two feet.  I fully admit that I cannot physically get through my day without two or three cups of coffee, but the dependency could be anything, even other people.  My awareness of my addiction doesn't make it go away, but at least I know it's there and if wanted to, I could take steps toward kicking it.  But what if we are in a co-dependent relationship?  What if we choose to get our self-worth from the value placed on us by others?  What if we are dependent on something that is harmful to us or those around us?  Those are things that need evaluating, and possibly even some changing.

Is there something else controlling your life right now, or are you in the driver's seat?

It's All Over!

As you are all very well aware, I have had a stressful month or so.  We've been living in our new place for a week now, and I must say, I am so pleased!  The stress level has gone way down, and I actually feel like I am starting to settle and wind down.  So many good things are in the works!

First, my sister moved in on Monday.  It's been such an awesome week!  She has been immensely helpful with the unpacking and with the kids (and the laundry!!!), not to mention that it's been so fantastic just to be around her.  Our story has been complicated and more than a little heartbreaking.  We were separated by our circumstances for about ten years, and we've now found our way back to each other.  Living with her makes me realize just how little I know about her life, and the things she has done!  There was so much I wasn't there to see and be a part of, but now that doesn't have to fill me with regret.  It's going to be exciting to learn about her more and more, and get to hear her stories about growing up.  Just because I wasn't there back then doesn't mean I can't be there now, and that is what I fully intend to do.  It's going to be amazing.  She is amazing, and now I get to see her every day.  Awesome.

I'm also ready to open my day home again, and that's actually exciting too.  I am looking forward to getting into a routine and using this great space I have created for the kids.  I have made the main floor living room into a play room for the day home, and I really like how it has turned out.  I feel like it's going to work really well.  I don't feel like their space is encroaching on my space at all.  I have a separation from the play room and the family room downstairs (which is a kid free domain, excepting my own children), and I love it.

I also just love, love, love this house.  It was such an answer to prayer.  I was hoping for a full house, where I could see my daughter's school from the door, that had a great yard and enough room to accommodate my whole family plus the day home.  I got everything!  It's even in the price range I was hoping for.  There were even some perks, like the two man jacuzzi tub in my bedroom!  Oh my gosh, it is amazing.  The day after we moved in, when everything hurt and my fingers were raw and sore from scrubbing the old place, I sat in that tub for about two hours, just laying on the jets and letting my body unwind.  My legs were like rubber when I got out!  I will do this often I think!  There is also a garage, which is amazing, and the whole house is air conditioned.  My kids also have a room they can share that actually has space for all their toys plus some play space of their very own too.  Man, I love this house.

So, that's all the positive stuff that's happening right now!  It almost makes my recent little bit of weight gain feel less awful.  In the past month I have not been dealing with the stress very well, and I am definitely showing it in the mirror.  This isn't the end of the world though.  Now that we're moved, I can get back into a fitness routine and start taking the reigns back on my eating.  I feel good about the direction I'm going, and a few pounds back isn't all fifty back.  As long as I keep myself in check and stay motivated to maintain my healthy lifestyle, I will be okay.  I will never be 210 again.  I will never even be 170 again, and I'm sticking to that resolve. 

I will also be able to put some focus back into my writing and editing projects now that I am starting to get settled.  I will have a routine, and I plan to work in about an hour a day of writing or editing.  I want to finish this novel I've been working on for a year so I can start my editing process on that.

There is so much great stuff going on right now, and honestly, I just feel good - which is a wonderful change.

The Home Stretch

Two more days, and I will be officially moved.  It feels like it will never come, and at the same time like I don't have enough time to finish packing.  I haven't been able to sleep all week long either.  I'm so wound up about this move that my brain won't shut itself off and when I go to bed, I don't fall asleep for at least an hour.  The bags under my eyes are almost black - I look awful. 

Despite the chronic tiredness, I am feeling a sense of excitement and anticipation!  We already have the keys to the new place, and have been moving things a little each night for the past few days.  It's such a wonderful, perfect place.  I just want to get there and be rid of the house we are crammed into right now.  It feels like we are busting at the seams, and have been since the little one was born.  I love all the possibilities of newness that are coming.  I can't wait to set up my playroom for the day home, and our own family room and have it be separate!

I know I've written about the move several times already, but it's my world right now.  What I am finding is that it's hard to pull the energy out of myself when it's not being refueled properly each night.  I'm also finding (not that I don't know this already) that I have a difficult time dealing with stress.  I am irritable, tired, cranky, feel like crying all the time, feel like vomiting all the time, and I can't shake the feeling that I shouldn't be sitting down or taking a break because there's just too much to do.  On top of that, I am working long days - 7:30 - 5:30 - and I can't really do a lot of packing during that time.  So, my poor body is taking all the damage from this stress.  I try to look at the bigger picture, and know that by this time on Sunday, I can wash my hands clean of this place and focus solely on setting up the new one and getting ready for my sister to move in.  But my impatience is really getting to me...

So I plug away with the end of the road in sight.  Better just make sure the coffee pot is always full until it's all said and done.

Change is in the Air

I have been feeling for some time that there were some big changes coming for myself and my family.  In the last year, many of those changes have begun to come about.  My husband is almost done his graphic design program and will soon be moving back into some normalcy with his work and his schedule.  We never intended for him to have to work full time while he attended school, but circumstances dictated that he had to.  This meant that since January, he has been out of the house for a minimum of 12 hours a day, often more.  My kids have missed their dad, and I have missed having my husband around to help out with everything.

But, he is almost done and we are so excited!  By September, his program will be complete and he won't have to do two things at once anymore.  It's pretty amazing how quickly it has gone, and I must say, I am glad.  It takes a lot of courage to strike out on a different path when you have a wife and two kids to support, and I truly admire my husband.  It has been difficult, both emotionally and financially, but we're almost there!

The next few months are bringing about yet more change in my household, and though I am a little nervous, I am excited to see it all happen.  First, we are moving in just over a week (and I'm not even close to ready!), and my fabulous sister is moving in with us.  This is what I am most excited about.  Not only do I get a lovely new house, with more room for my growing family, but I get to live with my baby sister (who by the way is all grown up now).  I haven't lived with her since I was 16 - nearly half my life!  I am so happy that she and I are in a place where she feels comfortable coming to live with us, and I can't wait to see where our relationship goes from here.

The next thing is Fall.  My little girl is starting grade one, and it's going to be hard to have her gone all day, every day.  I will miss her!  Thankfully, our house is right across the street from the school so she can at least come home for lunch every day.  I am also starting my new day home kids full time in September, which will be a big adjustment all around.  For the past two years I have had mostly part time clients, so it will be different to have two kids full time.  In October, I start another new child in my day home, and she will be the youngest I have had yet.  I am a little nervous about how my almost two year old is going to handle having not one, but two children younger than her and needing ample attention.  I think she will adjust fine, but I worry.  The one thing about having three full time children in my day home is that I will actually be making money!  This I am quite excited about.  It has been such a financial struggle in the past few years, and I am excited that soon we won't be stretched so thin.  I might actually have the money to buy myself some new clothes instead of always shopping second hand, or get a haircut or take my kids to a movie once in a while.  This is a kind of freedom we haven't had for years!  Now, it's not like I'll be rolling in the dough, but it will be better, and I am so happy.

So, this gut feeling I had last year that big changes were on the horizon is all coming to fruition, and it is a most exciting time!  Intuition is pretty amazing.  The feeling I had made me able to hope for better, and I was able to look past all the stuff that weighed me down from time to time to see what was coming.  A lifetime of work, prayer and hope is all beginning to pay off.  I have been hoping and praying for fourteen years that my relationship with my sister would be repaired, and now, she is going to live with me again and I can really be the big sister she needs.  I have been working so hard in my day home trying to make it profitable and successful, and it finally will be.  My husband has been breaking his back in jobs he hates since we met eleven years ago, and now he is finally moving into something he loves.  And this is just the beginning.  I can feel it.

That Knot in my Stomach

After a super fast, yet super long weekend, I am back home and full of stress and anxiety again.  This weekend we went to my cousin's wedding in another province, which meant an eight hour drive there, two nights in a hotel with two small children, my husband and my sister all in one room, a wedding reception that went until the wee hours of the morning (and my kids were still awake and dancing their little feet off!) and then another eight hour drive back home.  Honestly, it was less stressful than I thought it would be, and I was actually able to enjoy myself!  My kids did great in the car, and loved the hotel.  We spent way too much money, and ate way too much junk food.  But, I got to spend some time with my little sis, my husband and my kids as well as the rest of my awesome family.  It was a nice break from the craziness of moving and fretting about how on earth I'm going to get this house packed up in time. (So why am I sitting on the couch blogging?)

This morning I awoke with the knot that has been sitting in my stomach back with full force.  We were so exhausted that we all slept in today (except my husband who had to work at 6 am), and then I felt like I got nothing done.  I have two weeks to get this house packed all by myself, and I want to throw up.  I am scared I'm going to have to still be packing on moving day as people load the boxes into the truck, like the last time we moved, which was not fun.  Ugh. 

So I just need to stop stressing and get to work.  Man, I hate moving.

But when it's all said and done I will be so happy and excited!  I just need to get there.  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

Stress!

I think I'm ready to pull my hair out and be sick all at the same time.  This perpetual, nagging nausea is tiresome (NO, I'm not pregnant), and I just want the next three weeks to be over already.  We're making a move this month, and I'm not even close to ready - financially and otherwise.  You see, it is quite difficult coming up with a damage deposit that is more than what you are getting back, plus rent for the first month all on the same day.  I hate money.  Anyone ever find a money tree?  Or can you make it materialize out of thin air?  That would be awesome.

But I am so excited for this move!  The house we are moving into is beautiful.  It's all been recently renovated, it's four doors away from my daughter's school, and it's big enough to house my whole family plus one new addition to our household, my lovely sister.  There's also enough space that I can have my day home playroom separate from our living room/entertainment room.  AND, the master bedroom has a jacuzzi tub in the en suite bathroom! Did I mention my excitement?  I just want to be there though.  I am feeling my impatience, anxiety and stress all at once, and I think I might just burst. 

But it will all work out, right?  That's what I have to keep telling myself, or else I might lose it.  If I don't write for a while, I probably exploded...

I am not Supermom

I am not Supermom.  I am not Superwife, or Supercaregiver, or Superteacher, or even Supercook/housekeeper/nanny.  I hear people telling me all the time that they are so impressed by the things I do for my kids and for my day home, and it makes me feel good.  Really, it does.  It's nice to get some validation for all my hard work, and I truly appreciate when people recognize it.  I recently had a potential client call me for an interview saying that I came so highly recommended that she absolutely had to meet me.  What?  Seriously?  Wow.  That kind of blew me away.  I was almost in disbelief that this was true, because it's crazy that anyone could hold that high of an opinion of little old me.

Sure, on paper, I look pretty good.  I have two university degrees, and I graduated with distinction from both faculties I studied in.  I work long days as a day home provider so I can stay home and raise my girls.  I bake lots of nutritious, healthy, yummy snacks and meals for the kids, and I often use organic products and natural foods.  I plan fun activities, outings, crafts, art projects etc. for a fun filled day in my day home.  I listen to what the kids are interested in and I go with the flow.  I disinfect, disinfect, disinfect. I write a blog that actually has some followers, I am writing a novel, I am editing a novel, I am teacher at Sylvan Learning Center, I actively teach my own children how to read and write and do math so they will have a head start in school.  I make sure my husband's coffee is brewed and in mugs before he's even out of bed in the morning, and his lunch is ready and on the table when he is in his brief lunch break between school and work, and I have his supper all packed up and ready for him to take.  Then I plate his other supper for when he gets home from work at 10 pm, so he doesn't have to worry about it.  I do all the laundry, all the cleaning, all the everything in my house.  It all sounds very good and impressive when I type it out, doesn't it?  But in my brain, all of this is never quite enough.  The sum of my accomplishments is not me.  I am not Supermom.

I have never felt adequate enough.  I am always surprised when I do well at something, even though there are very few things I have tried that I don't at least some success in (most definitely not putting grade 11 math or chess on this list).  I work pretty hard to make sure I do well.  I study and prepare and follow the rules.  I make lists and mark up my calendars.  I know that I am good at certain things, and yet, it always surprises me when I have to admit that this is actually true.  I know for a fact that I do all of the things listed above because I want people to think that I am good enough.  There it is.  I just want validation.

Don't we all just want validation?  Don't we look at others' lives and measure ourselves against them?  What we are all craving is the acknowledgement that yes, we are good, and yes, we are good enough.  But that's the lie we grow up believing!  We don't ever believe we are good enough.  We are taught that in order to be important, or to be good, that we have to work for someone else's approval.  We work in school to get grades - arbitrary numbers assigned to assignments and tests (I can write about authentic assessment in schools and my opinion on how it doesn't actually happen very often another time), we work for our paycheck, signed by the almighty boss, we work for our parents to say "Good job kid!"  We work ourselves to the bone all of our lives just to get some other person's approval, but we never end up gaining our own.

And how could we?  We are working so hard to please others that we totally ignore what pleases us!  How can I possibly hope to have balance in my life when I am constantly giving and not putting back?  This is something I have been aware of in my own life for quite some time, and I am certain it will be something I work on for the rest of my life.  I need to start seeing myself as adequate.  I need to truly believe that I am good enough.  Because I am.  I am not Supermom.  No, I am definitely not anything capital 'S' Super.  But I am super, and so are you.  It's not the sum of the stuff we do that makes us good.  It's that we already are good and we just need to realize it.  I need to start living it.

*Picture taken from http://www.more4kids.info/350/parenting-overload/

Glorifying Gluttony

 

I was at the gym tonight and I saw the most disturbing show on one of the televisions.  Every time I go, there is at least one channel showing some kind of food program.  Talk about the wrong thing to watch!  This time though, I was so utterly disgusted I think I threw up in my mouth a little. 

Now because I couldn't hear what was being said, I only have the half of it, but there was a host talking and it flashed to pictures of ridiculously portioned fast food.  There was a piece of fried, breaded chicken (I think it was chicken!) that stuck so far out of the bun that you could barely even hold it.  It kept flashing to these huge pieces of meat coming out of the deep fryer, dripping hot, yucky grease.  People happily smiled and chowed down on this heart attack on a bun over and over and over again.  I was almost sick.

The next thing I saw was a burger called "The Big Ugly" and, you guessed it, it was big and ugly!  The thing was two pounds of hamburger meat topped with mayo, and all the fixings.  I don't think the thing could fit in my stomach even if I wanted to consume that much meat.  The host of the show, a hefty man, was standing in front of a wall of pictures of people who had beaten the Big Ugly.  So, of course, he had to take the challenge.  But the challenge wasn't just to finish one of the hulking burgers, it was to eat three!  That's six pounds of meat, with buns, toppings and all.  Six pounds!  My whole family eats less meat than that in a week, and there are four of us!  The poor host couldn't finish the last burger, but I can't imagine how he ate even two.  It was absolutely astounding.

The thing this made me think about is the fact that this kind of consumption is culturally acceptable in North America.  We glorify this food that will eventually kill us so much that we make television shows about it and have walls of people who have conquered the challenge.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  I just don't get it.  It really makes me remember why I choose not to eat lots of deep fried, fat ridden foods, and when I do crave them, I remember that I shouldn't eat them all the time.  I don't think there's anything wrong with eating fast food once in a while, when you already have a healthy, balanced diet, but to glorify food that will eventually kill you...what is that?  I don't know, I just don't get it.  I just don't get it.

Starting Over

I have decided to just start over.  I will have the opportunity in the next few weeks to actually go to the gym, and I'm going to take it.  I'm going to go whenever there is time, whether I have the energy or not.  I am tired of looking at the 5 or so pounds I have gained, and I'm tired of feeling out of shape.  I am tired of being tired...just tired, tired, tired.  I have the time, and I need to take it.  I am hoping to get back into the habit of working out daily, and really, really hoping to drop some of these pounds that have crept their way back into my life.  They are not welcome.  And besides, I have a bikini to wear this summer.

So, here I go again.  I think this past few months has taken a toll on me.  I have had a difficult time doing everything in my household on my own.  I have a wonderfully involved husband, but when he's working two jobs and going to college, that means the responsibility to run the household falls solely to me.  And along with working a sometimes ten hour day, it becomes exhausting.  I give and give and give and give, and rarely am I able to put anything back into myself.  I seek a balanced life, but it is so far from my grasp right now it's hard to even imagine.  I have a chance for a few weeks at least to put some work back into the physical side of things by getting more sleep and exercising again, so that's what I'm going to do. 

This isn't the first time I have "started over".  I do it every few months.  I would like to stop this cycle of doing well, sliding downhill, hitting bottom and then starting again.  It too is tiring.  I just want some balance.  I want to maintain a healthy lifestyle, healthy weight and healthy mind.  And so, I am starting again.  Maybe I'm not so much starting again though, as I am continuing a journey I started years ago that has many peaks and valleys. 

Yeah, that's a better way of looking at it. Same journey, different spot.  Here we go again.

And the Scale Says...

I am gaining weight.  Despite my commitment to healthy living, eating right and exercising, I find my resolve is waning.  It's not like I am buying junk food and stacking my cupboards with unhealthy things.  I am still doing my very best to prepare healthy meals and snacks for my family, but I just can't seem to get my eating right, nor my motivation to exercise.  The worst part of it all is that when I look in the mirror, I can see exactly where I've put on the weight.  It makes me kind of sad. 

I've fallen into some bad habits again.  In my busyness this past month, I have stopped actually preparing meals for myself.  I will eat breakfast (this is a habit I couldn't get rid of even if I tried), but lunch is usually non-existent for me.  And then I snack on bits and pieces of things all day long, just letting the calories add up.  It wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that I am not getting any physical activity.  I am not necessarily eating poorly, especially for breakfast and supper, it's just the in between that kills me, not to mention the late night eating.  I just can't stop myself.

I could come up with a gazillion excuses, but that doesn't change anything, and it certainly doesn't help me.  I have been sick, sure.  I have been exhausted, yeah.  I have been stressed, definitely.  But that doesn't make it okay that I have let things slip enough that I am not able to maintain my weight.  Thus far my slip ups haven't made me gain a significant amount of weight, but if I don't get myself out of this slump, I know that I will end up unhealthy and unhappy.  I feel like a huge failure.

I think that's probably where this all comes from.  I feel like I've been failing - or just barely surviving - in a lot of things.  It's little stuff, and silly when I say it out loud (or type it), but even things like keeping my back yard clean so that the toys don't get destroyed by rain, or folding and putting away the laundry when I wash it, or cleaning the areas of my house that no one actually sees make me feel like I'm failing at just merely living.  Like I said, it sounds silly, but I compare myself to standards I grew up in, and I just can never cut it.  My mom kept our house literally spotless, and my step dad was also like that.  Every time I cleaned something, my mom would just go along and do it again right behind me.  I'm sure she didn't realize it, but that totally gave me a complex!  Now, if things aren't absolutely spotless when I have people over, I get agitated and stressed out.  UGH, talk about a neurotic, ridiculous complex.  I feel like a failure as a homemaker when things aren't perfect, and to be honest, they never are in my eyes.

So, my stress manifests itself like it always does - on my waistline.  I don't want to go back where I was, and I know I am having a problem.  It's just a matter of slapping myself out it, waking up, moving my butt.  Maybe I could use a little help, but I fail to see where I can get it... Boo hoo, right?  I'm a grown woman, so I just need to get it together.  But, I thought I'd share it, get it out so that I can move on.  Anyone else feel  this way?

Learning from Our Children

I am an incredibly impatient person.  I come by this honestly, let me tell you!  My mother was the most impatient person I have ever met, and she sure taught me well.  One of the many things I catch myself doing that is an echo of her is prodding my kids along when they are being pokey - calling over my shoulder, "Come on slowpoke!"  Yep, I embody my mother in many, many ways.  And now I see my daughters echoing these things, and I think to myself, OH NO!  Please don't learn impatience from me.  Please don't learn to be stressed out when you don't have the perfect shoes to match your outfit, or things don't fit right, or you don't have enough time.  Please don't have a chronic, ridiculous need to be early for everything.  I am finding myself more and more taking a step back from my neurotic-ness to observe my oldest daughter, and her many refreshing, redeeming qualities.

On her last report card in Kindergarten, my daughter's teacher commented that she "has demonstrated a level of compassion [she] has never witnessed in a kindergarten student before.  She shows concern not only for her classmates but for the environment and animals as well.  She has a deep understanding of the world around her."  Talk about blowing me away!  I mean, I know my daughter is remarkable, but to hear it like that from someone else just makes my heart swell even more (brag, brag, brag).  What can I learn from this?  That I need to understand the world around me too.

My world consists of children, children and...wait for it...more children!  I need to take a cue from my kiddo and learn a little more compassion and patience.  I am sometimes too short, or too quick to judge whether they have done something against the rules, and I need to just listen more and try better to understand them.  Kids come from a completely different place than adults, and I realize that I need to try to remember where I came from when I was a kid myself.  I know it was so incredibly long ago (insert dry laugh here) but not too far away that I can't remember. 

We can learn from everyone around us if we just open ourselves up to the opportunity.  The most innocent can teach the best lessons too! 

Favorite Recipes

I've been taking a more proactive approach to the nutrition of myself and my family in the last few years, as I'm sure you are aware.  I have written ad nauseam about it.  I have obsessed over it, cried over it, rejoiced over it and just generally immersed myself in all things food.  So today, finally, I thought I'd share some of my favorite healthful recipes that both myself and my kids enjoy.  There are some indulgences here and there, because to be honest, I cannot live without them.  Hope you find something you like and can tweak to fit your needs!

1) My newest favorite is a muffin recipe from Gordon Ramsay's Healthy Appetite.

Banana Oat Muffins

Heat oven to 350 and line or grease a 12-hole muffin tin. In a large bowl combine 1 1/3 cups oats, 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour (I use whole grain whole wheat flour), 1 1/2 tsp baking powder, 1 tsp baking soda, 1/4 tsp sea salt and 1/2 cup light brown sugar (you could use turbinado for something a little less refined, but you will want to add that to your liquids and let it dissolve instead of using it dry).  Make a well in the center and set aside.  In another bowl, mash 4 large ripe bananas.  Add 1 large beaten egg, and 4 tbsp melted butter (I used unsalted - or you could use light olive oil).  Dump it all in the dry mixture and stir until just moistened.  Then add 1/2 cup chopped walnuts (or, if you are like me, you'll add dark chocolate chips instead).  Fill up your tins and bake for 20 - 25 minutes.  They are beautifully moist and delicious, with very few ingredients!  This also makes a great loaf, just lower the temp by about 25 degrees and bake longer.  Mine took about 35 mins.

2) I looked up granola bars on allrecipes.com, and found one called Chewy Granola Bars.  I modified it a little to suit my family and day home.  These are not low calorie, but they are much better than the ones you buy in the grocery store.  I must admit, I ate way too many of them!!!

Original Recipe (my modifications in brackets)

Ingredients

• 4 1/2 cups rolled oats (I used 2 cups of granola cereal and 2 1/2 cups oats)
• 1 cup all-purpose flour (I used whole grain whole wheat flour)
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 2/3 cup butter, softened (I used unsalted butter)
• 1/2 cup honey (here I used 1/4 cup peanut butter and 1/4 cup honey, but found they were too dry, so next time I'd up the amount of honey)
• 1/3 cup packed brown sugar (Again, you could use turbinado, or organic evaporated cane juice sugar with molasses added to it in the blender or food processor - like 1 tsp per cup, if you are not wanting to use refined sugar.)
• 2 cups miniature semisweet chocolate chips (I was out of chocolate chips, so I threw in some cocoa powder, until it was dark enough to look chocolatey, then I taste tested to make sure it was good)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C). Lightly grease one 9x13 inch pan.
2. In a large mixing bowl combine the oats, flour, baking soda, vanilla, butter or margarine, honey and brown sugar. Stir in the 2 cups assorted chocolate chips, raisins, nuts etc.
3. Lightly press mixture into the prepared pan. Bake at 325 degrees F (165 degrees C) for 18 to 22 minutes or until golden brown. Let cool for 10 minutes then cut into bars. Let bars cool completely in pan before removing or serving. 

3)  My little ones love muffins, and I have been using this basic recipe for a long time.  Even though I already put a muffin recipe...this one is basic and you can add anything you want to it.

1 3/4 cups whole grain whole wheat flour

1/3 cup organic evaporated cane juice sugar

2 tsp baking powder

1 beaten egg

3/4 cup milk (I have used whole milk because that's what my kids drink, but any kind of milk will work, including almond milk or rice milk)

1/4 cup cooking oil (I prefer to use unsweetened apple sauce, but then you really need to make sure you grease your tins)

Add all dry ingredients, mix, make a well.  Mix all wet ingredients, pour into dry, mix, and then fill up your tins.  Bake 18 - 20 mins until toothpick comes out clean.  I always add something else to these when I bake.  I have used chocolate chips, blueberries, strawberries, raspberries (and any other kind of berry you like), bananas (if using banana, reduce milk to 1/2 cup and use 3/4 cup mashed banana), grated cheese (1/2 cup or more if you like), raisins or any kind of dried fruit you like, oats (reduce flour to 1 1/3 cup and add 3/4 cup oats - though I prefer Ramsay's recipe for oat muffins).  Honestly, muffins are the most versatile thing I bake, and my kids eat 'em up, especially the mini ones! 

4) Cereal mix - from Better Homes and Gardens cookbook, modified by yours truly.

4 cups bite sized corn square cereal (I've used Life or Shreddies, but I think Chex or something else could work)

4 cups bite-sized rice square cereal (I use cheerios or whatever is on sale if I can't find something like this)

2 cups mini pretzels

1 cup sliced almonds (I had a kid with a nut allergy, so omitted this and opted for more cereal or dried fruit)

3/4 cup packed brown sugar (unfortunately, this one is necessary because it's caramel sauce, but feel free to try turbinado or cane juice sugar with molasses and tell me how it goes...)

6 tablespoons unsalted butter

3 tablespoons light colored corn syrup (I have tried honey successfully)

1/4 tsp baking soda

1 cup (or more) dried fruit of your choice, like raisins, cranberries etc.

In large roasting pan combine cereal and pretzels and almonds.  Set aside.  In medium saucepan combine sugar, butter and syrup/honey.  Cook and stir on medium heat until it boils.  Then continue boiling at a moderate rate without stirring for 5 minutes.  Remove from heat, add baking soda and stir.  Pour over cereal mixture and stir gently to coat it.  Bake in 300 degree oven for 15 mins, give it a stir, then 5 mins more.  Cool on a greased piece of tin foil before serving.  

This recipe is by no means low fat or low calorie, but if you give it in moderation, I think it's a good snack.  I always give it with fruit or yogurt on the side.  You can also reduce the amount of caramel sauce you put on it, because it is quite sweet, but like I said, it's okay to indulge sometimes!  If you're going to, why not do it with whole grains and dried fruit dressed up a little?  Moderation is the key.

5) Mini Pizzas

On small whole wheat pita shells, spread some pizza sauce (tomato sauce, spaghetti sauce or homemade stuff will work too).  Cut up your favorite kind of meat and throw it on.  I've used ham, turkey, chicken, sausage, or whatever else my day home kids will eat.  Grate some low fat mozzarella, and sprinkle.  Bake at 400 for like 5 minutes, then broil for maybe 2 or three.  Of course, you can add any veggies you like, but my day home kids never want any so they get carrot sticks etc. on the side.  But this is a great, please everyone kind of meal that includes all four food groups in one tasty thing.  The best part is that pita shells are way better than pizza crust, and you can be choosy about your sauce.  You want to pick a sauce that doesn't have sugar listed as one of the top ingredients.  I've also used whole wheat English muffins before too. 

6) Quesadillas - My kids will eat this pretty much any time, and it's a great way to, again, get all four food groups into one thing and make it yummy.

Butter one side of a whole wheat tortilla.  Put on grill or large frying pan and place ingredients only on one half so you can fold it over.  Throw in some grated cheese, chopped chicken or whatever meat you like, and some veggies your kids will eat.  Mine like peppers, mushrooms, tomatoes etc.  Fold the shell over so that the edges are even.  Grill until brown on one side, flip, repeat.  Cut into wedges (a pizza cutter works great) and enjoy!  Again, this one is not low in fat, but if you choose fresh ingredients and watch how much cheese you put in, you're set.

Did you notice that most of the recipes I posted are for snacks and desserts?  I hate cooking meals...HATE it, but I really enjoy cooking sweets.  I have found some really great ways of getting good stuff into my kids while making it fun and yummy.  I hope you can take some of these ideas and make them into stuff your kids (or adults...) will eat and enjoy!  I'd love to hear your recipes too!

Happy eating!