Bidding Farewell to the First Decade of the 2000s

Today is the second last day of the first decade of the new millennium.  In a mere handful of hours, we will be bidding the decade adieu and ushering in a new one.  This is a time, for me, to reflect on the past ten years and celebrate what is to come in the next.

My life in the past ten years has changed drastically.  In 2000, I was still settling into university, completing my first year.  I was making plans and looking forward to a long career in teaching and keeping my eye out for that special someone.  The year 2000 is actually when I met and began dating my husband, and I knew right from the beginning that he was "the one."  We haven't looked back!  It's been a great ride, and I'm looking forward to the next ten years.  As well as meeting my husband and marrying him, I earned myself two university degrees, had two beautiful children,and reunited with my amazing sisters.  I have laughed, I have cried, I have hurt and I have rejoiced.  I have realized many things about myself, and my past, enabling me to heal and become emotionally stable and independent.  It has been quite a fabulous experience.

In the past year alone I have seen my newborn grow into an almost toddler, begin to walk, talk, laugh, and seen her personality emerge.  I have seen my five year old excel in her first year of school, learning to read ahead of her class, learning to add and subtract, and learning that being a part of society requires all of us doing our part.  This last month she decided to spend her allowance on a donation to the food bank instead of buying herself a treat, which I was incredibly proud of.  I have seen her become a smart, empathetic, kind and caring individual who isn't afraid to think her own thoughts.  I have had my own triumphs this year as well, which have been well documented on this blog.  I have now lost a total of 47 pounds, and am wearing single digit clothing sizes.  I am also in good shape, and have really made a positive lifestyle change.  I have learned so much more about health and healthy living, and I look so forward to continuing along that path, ever looking forward.

In the next decade, I will be saying goodbye to my twenties.  I turned twenty in 2001, and will be turning thirty in 2011.  I am reluctant to admit this fact, but there it is.  I am entering a new decade of my life while the world enters a new decade of its own.  Am I ready for it?  I'm going to say an emphatic 'NO' on that one.  I'm not sure I am quite willing to stop being a twenty-something and start being a real grown up.  Though I have been married seven years, have two children and have long been out of university, I don't always quite see myself as an adult just yet.  I know I am, and I know I can never return to the carefree days of my youth (whether my youth was carefree is a matter up for debate), but I do wish I could stop the aging process some days - at least to erase the gray hairs that keep surfacing along my hairline. 

It's not all bad though!  In the next decade I get to watch my girls grow into young women.  By 2020, my oldest daughter will be 15, and my baby will be 10.  That is a scary, yet exciting prospect.  I don't know how many of you out there know just what kind of crazy I am, but when I tell you I actually enjoy working with teenagers, you will get some idea.  My teaching career has brought me to primarily teens and preteens ranging from age 11 to age 15, and though I haven't enjoyed every single second of it, I can honestly say it has been greatly satisfying.  I had a turbulent teenage life, and I think it fashioned me especially well to work with teens.  That is why I am actually, sort of, a little bit, looking forward to having teens myself.  I am excited to see just what kind of young women my girls will be, and the next decade is about to reveal it to me. 

I'm also excited to see the deepening of many of my relationships in the next ten years.  I have begun (and continued) many lovely friendships in the past ten years, and it will be wonderful to further explore them.  I have also reconnected with my sisters, and in the next year my baby sister is moving to my city.  I am actually beside myself with excitement that she will be closer, because we haven't lived in the same city since 1999!  What a change that will be!  And I'm sure she'll get sick of me, because I will want to spend every spare minute I have with her. 

Another thing I am looking forward to in the next decade is a change in career paths, for both my husband and myself.  We are both delving into unknown territory, which is a little scary, but will inevitably be greatly satisfying.  The next few years are going to be hard.  They are going to be exhausting.  But they will pay off.  I have great faith that what is in store for us is nothing but our deepest desires, and I intend to grab on and let life take me for a great ride.

These are just a few of the things I am thinking of as we prepare to usher in a new year and a new decade.  Though the last ten years has had its share of difficulties and trials, it has also had its beautiful moments where I have realized life is what we make of it.  Our world has changed irrevocably in the last decade, beginning with the destruction of the twin towers, and continuing with the tsunami, earthquakes, hurricanes and many other horrible disasters.  But it has also shown that our fellow man can be compassionate and empathetic, as evidenced in relief efforts in places like Haiti and New Orleans.  It has shown that we are getting closer each day to a cure for cancer, and many other life threatening diseases.  We are becoming a global community where people can reach one another by the click of a button, bringing us ever closer to true compassion and empathy with our fellow man.  I am greatly looking forward to the next decade and the possibilities it holds.

So, as we say goodbye to 2010, and the whole first decade of this millennium, what are you reflecting on?  What are you hoping for as we move forward into unknown territory? 

Are You Ready? I'm NOT!!

There are three days left until Christmas.  I love Christmas.  It is by far my favorite holiday, but it is also, as I get older, the most stressful of holidays.  This year, I am hosting a small dinner on Christmas Eve at my house, and I have a list about ten feet long of things to do.  Except I can't get any of it done!  I have been working long days this week, because my day home kids are all on holidays and here early in the morning and late in the afternoon.  I can only get so much done with a minimum of six kids running around my ankles and needing to be fed, watered and entertained.  Not to mention the fact that I certainly can't go anywhere during the day, so grocery shopping is out of the question.  I am also home-bound in the evening.  My husband is working nights, and we only have one vehicle, so unless I want to pack up my kids and walk somewhere in the snow, I am pretty much stuck in the house.  So, it all has to get done on Christmas Eve day...yay me!  I have a feeling there will be very little sleeping in my life until boxing day.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love having people at my house, and the craziness of celebrating Christmas with my family.  I am looking forward to dinner, the Christmas Eve service and our tradition of opening one present before sending the kids to bed in eager anticipation of Santa's arrival.  I'm looking forward to the kids ripping open their presents Christmas morning and then rushing around like crazy people to pack everyone and everything into the van for the two hour drive to my Aunt's house for Christmas dinner.  I am looking so forward to the food, wine, desserts and especially the company!  I thrive on being insanely busy I think.  I must be a woman.

But seriously, how I get it all done in time I have no clue!  It all ends up getting done in the end though, and I think I must be super-human or something!  Women have something bred into us that makes it so that we magically things get done in time.  If this wasn't true, then the world would have ended long ago.  So, I will get all the cleaning, prepping, cooking and baking done in time if it kills me, and then when it is all over, I will clean it all up again and have a satisfying glass of wine, or two or three.  Then, even though I will want to sleep for a day, I will go back to work and my life will resume as per usual.

I really do love Christmas.  Truly, I do.  Even though it is full of stress and pressure, and craziness and busyness, it is my favorite time of the year.  Even though I will probably gain back a good five pounds of the 47 I have lost, it is all worth it to spend this magical time with the people I love the most, and to eat and drink until I can't fit anymore in.

So, I'm not even remotely ready for the holiday, but I will be!  I won't be sleeping, eating or generally doing anything for myself, but it will all be worth the payoff in the end.  Merry Christmas everyone!

Remembering

Chatting with an old friend has got me remembering.  This time of year always makes me remember, but last night I began to remember a little more vividly.  There are so many people who have touched my life and changed me irrevocably.  There are so many people I have loved without abandon, before I learned to guard my heart against the world that conspires to hurt me.  Sometimes I feel as though I have come full circle, and I am a child again, foolishly putting my heart out there for people to do what they will.  But I honestly can't think of another way to live and be happy.  I really don't think there is anything else to this thing we call life than to love the people we encounter, and cherish and savor those who are destined to be companions, like our children, spouses, parents, siblings and friends.

I have had the great priviledge to call many amazing people my friends.  And now, because of the social network, I have been able to reconnect with many of those I thought I'd never encounter again.  This is what makes me remember.  I remember the times when I was a child, a teen, an almost adult, when I threw my heart to the wind and begged the wind to love me.  Suffice to say, that endeavor was somewhat unsuccessful, as the wind can only do what it does.  Loving me was beyond its capacity, but I cherished it nonetheless.  I got swept up in it.  And now, looking back, though my childish emotions weren't reciprocated the way I wanted, I am happy that I felt the way I did.  I remember it with warmth and fondness, and sweet nostalgia. 

I love getting wrapped up in memories.  This time of year especially makes me remember my mother.  She died shortly after Christmas in January of 1996, and she loved Christmas.  She loved baking, and decorating the tree and singing Christmas carols.  She loved the hectic family get togethers and the chaos of gift opening with squealing children and laughing sisters.  She went out of her way to make me and my sister feel special.  There was always something grand under the tree, though we never had a lot of money.  But what I remember the most about my mother was not the presents and the baking, it was the smell and sound of her warmth and her love.  It was the smile that she wore constantly and the sound of her laughter.  It was her adoration of her family and the fact that I never once questioned whether or not I was loved completely.  Yes, I love remembering.  Though it often comes with the bitter pangs of the love that has been lost, the presence I no longer have in my life, it does my heart good to remember.

Yes, I have truly loved many people in my life, and I honestly believe it is my purpose to fulfill on this earth.  So come what may, I will always love people without abandon.  It's the way I am wired.  I was born to pass that along to others, whether they want to receive it or not.  Today I sit and remember those I have loved passionately and I think on them happily.  I ask the universe to bless them and bring them happiness and love.  Most of all I thank them for existing so I could adore them.  And now I look to the future and those in my life at this moment, and thank God for every single moment I have with them, because I know that life is short, and someday I will not be here to enjoy them.  I love remembering, and to those I have loved in my life, thank you for allowing me to do so.  I will always think of you with warmth.

Holiday Treats Stressing You Out?

It's that time of year again.  You know, the time where overindulgence is rampant and the spread of goodies just lying around is anything but resistible.  It's the time of the year when we stuff ourselves until we have to loosen our belts and undo the top button just to sit comfortably.  Then comes the guilt.  On top of the feeling that your stomach is about to burst, you feel guilty for eating those cookies, cakes, fudge, candies and three helpings of turkey dinner.

Well, I can relate to all of the above, most definitely.  I have been trying all year long to eat healthier, smaller portions, and the holidays seem to negate all of my hard work.  But it doesn't have to erase it ALL.  For the past year, I have been baking a lot of my own goodies for my kids and myself, and I have been really trying to make them healthier.  If the fact that holiday treats are loaded with empty carbs and white sugar, not to mention butter, butter and more butter stresses you out, then I think I may have some solutions for you.

Some things I think can help is to try and avoid the all or nothing technique, and to make my Christmas goodies just a little bit healthier so the guilt factor goes down.  In my experience, if I try to stay away from Christmas treats, I end up craving them and binging on them.  I have decided that I am not going to ban myself from eating them.  I just need to exercise some self control and stop at one or two instead of five or six.  That way, I am not denying myself things that I love, but I am still not packing on the pounds.  I have worked far too hard to lose weight in the past year, and I'm not willing to let any of it back just because I want to eat that extra piece of fudge.

When baking and creating delicious treats, there are also options to make them healthier.  One thing I have done in all my baking is to replace white flour with whole wheat flour.  By adding whole grains into my chocolate chip cookies, ginger molasses cookies and countless other lovely treats, I am upping the fiber factor by a good percentage, so I can feel a little less guilty for eating a few.  Another option is to reduce or replace white, refined sugar.  The regular white and brown sugar you buy in the store are both refined and bleached.  Brown sugar is just white sugar with molasses added to it.  In most baking, because sugar plays such an integral part in the chemical makeup of the finished product as well as the taste and texture, you can only reduce it by so much.  I believe it can be reduced by about a quarter without affecting taste and texture.  If you want to replace it, there are actually many options to choose from.  Something I have used is natural, raw sugar.  It is more coarse, so something to make sure you do is to mix it with your wet ingredients and let it sit a few minutes so it dissolves fully in your mixture before adding the dry ingredients.  Another option is to use products like cane sugar instead of white sugar, and sucanat for brown sugar, which is another name for whole cane sugar.  Sucanat retains its molasses content, so it can be used instead of regular brown sugar with the same taste and effect.  You can also find sugar replacements like Stevia (which I haven't used), or artificial sweeteners, which I also haven't tried.  I don't actually like them very much, and because I have spent the majority of the last two years either pregnant or breastfeeding, I have stayed away from them because of their chemical properties.  One more thing I have done a lot in my baking is to replace oils and some butters with unsweetened apple sauce.  This can be done in cakes, brownies, muffins and quick breads like banana bread.  It's a great option for reducing fat and calorie content in your baking.

The main thing I am thinking of is the fact that holiday food doesn't have to throw my healthy eating habits out the window.  I plan on loading up on veggies and turkey at our family dinners and minimizing my gravy, stuffing, mashed potatoes and bread.  Another good trick is to grab a smaller plate and fill it really full, so you still feel like you are eating a large meal, but you are actually eating a smaller, more realistic portion. (This is a practice I actually do every day, at every meal.) I can still enjoy smaller portions of high fat and calorie foods, but the important part is that I don't want to fill my plate with more bad than good.  I will also do a lot of healthier baking, and when I allow myself to eat those treats, I don't feel the need to eat an entire pan of fudge or caramel.  Holidays don't have to be scary.  They are there so we can celebrate our families and have a wonderful time.  So, if we can go into it with a resolve to treat our bodies well and not deny ourselves some treats, I think we can make it through without gaining ten pounds and feeling an immense amount of guilt.

Happy holiday eating everyone!

How Have I Made it Work?

Food, food, food...food!  As you are all very well aware, I am a bit obsessed with food.  I literally think about it all day long.  I want to eat it all the time, I hate eating it sometimes, I want to eat right, but I also want to binge on chocolate.  This tug-of-war in my mind is incredibly counter-productive when trying to lose weight and live a healthy lifestyle.  So I'm taking some time to reflect right now what exactly I have done in the past year to make the whole weight loss thing work.  I can't say that I always have a healthy outlook on what I put in my body, but man, am I miles away from where I used to be!

When I was a kid, I never got treats in my lunch.  I always had sandwiches with fruit for dessert and a cup of milk or something like that.  I ate good, nutritious lunches...until I was responsible for them.  You see, while my mother did a great job feeding me, she didn't have time to teach me the finer points of healthy living.  When I became responsible for feeding myself, I ate things like potato chips, candy, Jamaican patties (beef in pastry type bread...very greasy) or nothing at all for lunch.  Then I binged on anything I could find in the cupboard when I got home from school.  This was the beginning of some bad habits for me! 

When I moved out on my own, I was, for lack of a better term, dirt poor.  I worked a part time job while attending university, and suffice to say, I didn't eat very much good food.  I bought whatever was cheap and quick, and that meant a lot of pasta and frozen veggies. Protein was rarely a part of my diet.  Starch, starch, starch, carbs, and sugar.  That was pretty much it for 5 years.  Then I got pregnant and I realized I needed to change something, because it was no longer just my body I had to care for.  So I began to think about what I had been fed as a child, and went back to eating from all four food groups every day, and switched to whole grains and such.  But I still struggled with those bad habits!  Not to mention the fact that I had become an emotional eater.  I ate when I was happy, I ate when I was sad, I ate when I was depressed, I ate, I ate, I ate. 

Bad food habits are ridiculously hard to break!  I am still struggling with things that started when I was a teenager today; right now in fact.  What I have had to do is try to change my view on what food actually is, and what purpose it really serves.  Food is nourishment.  Food is energy to make our bodies run efficiently and properly.  Food is not an answer to an emotional problem.  It is not entertainment.  It is not evil, and should not make me feel guilty for eating it.  When I think of fast food, sometimes I cringe.  The thought of eating something deep fried, while sometimes still appealing, now kind of makes me want to throw up.  I have begun to picture just what that food is going to do when inside my body, and how it will benefit me.  When I think this way, I don't want to eat mountains of chocolate (though a little is good for you), or head out to the closest fast food place instead of cooking.  When I think about food as fuel for my body, I want to give it premium, not regular.  Don't I deserve more than junk?  Don't I deserve beautiful, colorful veggies, and lean meat, and whole grains?  Yes, absolutely I do, because these are the things my body needs. 

When I go to the grocery store now, instead of stocking up on white pasta, boxed dinners with a bunch of artificial flavors and colors, and junk meat, I buy fresh veggies and fruit, whole wheat everything and my own ingredients for baking delicious things at home.  I very seldom buy packaged cookies or treats.  I bake my own, with whole wheat flour, reduced sugar or use natural sweeteners like honey, replace oils with apple sauce, and use lots of beautiful spices to make it tasty.  It is like a food revolution in my household!  If you looked in my cupboard now, and were able to travel back in time and look in it 8 years ago, you would see a very different picture.  And man, does it feel good to eat well.  I'm telling you, my body feels ten times better than it did 8 or 10 years ago.  I have aged, and gained and lost weight, but because I am fueling it with things that it actually needs, I don't feel it. 

It might sound, as this point, like I have this great and perfect diet.  Well, I don't.  I still struggle daily with eating too much, or eating things that just aren't good for me.  If you put an apple and a chocolate bar in front of me and asked me to choose, nine times out of ten, I'd choose the chocolate.  The thing I have come to realize is that I can't live on a diet.  I refuse to deny myself the things that I love, and I think this can actually be a good thing.  If I don't allow myself to have something, I end up binging on it later.  So, if I make sure that most of the food I eat is healthy and wholesome, then what's a little treat?  In the over all scheme of things, it's not really anything at all - because I've already given my body what it needs.  When I do this, I am more apt to stop at just one and not eat the whole box.  I haven't deprived myself and played psychological games.  I am not in starvation mode.

So, yes, I obsess about food.  I fixate on it, I stress about it, I indulge in it.  But I have really learned to look at it differently.  Food is not my enemy!  It is something I am allowed to love and want, as long as I am making healthy choices.  I have been learning a great deal about nutrition, and though I despise cooking, have begun to really branch out in my meal preparation and baking.  It's actually been quite an adventure.  In fact, right now I am baking oatmeal breakfast bars that are made with whole grain oats, molasses (2 tbsp), cinnamon, raisins, dried cranberries and walnuts.  That's it.  Simple, wholesome ingredients, and they smell amazing!  There's something about creating something with beautiful ingredients that just makes me feel good.  And I feel good giving it to my kids too. 

In the end, the reason this whole weight loss thing is working for me is because first, I got active, and second, I began to change the way I think about food.  I have attempted to stop making it my enemy, and freed myself to love it and appreciate it for what it does for my body.  The battle is far from over, but in the last year I feel like I have made steps in the right direction, and I feel like my 40 pound weight loss is evidence of that.  My habits are changing, my mindset is changing, and my waistline is changing.  Maybe someday I can stop obsessing about it and just enjoy it!  Change is good.

A Weight Loss Milestone!

This week I hit a major milestone in my weight loss.  I have been working so incredibly hard in the last year to get back to a healthy weight after having my second daughter.  I have done this all before, and last time I worked just as hard for just as long.  The thing about this time around is that I was carrying a few extra pounds than last time when I started my journey.  I had fallen into some bad habits after an emotionally difficult year, and I am continuing to pay for that mistake.  But this week I hit a really big goal.  I have now lost of total of 40 pounds - the same amount of weight I had to lose last time I had a baby.  I can't believe how far I've come, and I am even finding that clothes I wore before I got pregnant are too big on me now.  I am only 15 pounds away from my end goal, and I have to say, I am incredibly proud of myself. 

I find it difficult to believe sometimes that I weighed over 200 pounds a year ago.  In this picture, I had just had my daughter weeks earlier, and was at an all time high in my weight (not including at the end of my pregnancy).  I felt like I was drowning in my own body.

I couldn't walk up the stairs without being winded.  I ate everything I saw.  I was low on confidence and self esteem.  One thing I did know though, was that I could lose it all.  I had done it before.  So as soon as my body had recuperated enough from giving birth, I got to work. 

Now, I can run.  Now I  can do high intensity cardio for thirty minutes, forty minutes, fifty minutes.  I can lift weights, walk long distances and run around with my kids without needing to sit and take a break.  I am not where I want to be just yet, but I have now hit that major milestone of forty pounds.  It's a really significant thing for me.  I lost the same amount of weight after my first pregnancy, and now that it's gone, I feel completely motivated to continue to push myself and get rid of the rest of it.  Here is a picture of me today, in my sweaty workout clothes, 40 pounds lighter.

I am incredibly pleased with what I see.  I no longer feel like I'm drowning in my body.  I feel like my body more represents who I am inside, and I am so excited to lose that last fifteen.  I think it's an awesome way to start a whole new decade - at a healthy weight and feeling great.  I totally stoked!

Four Gray Hairs Too Many

I've been suffering this week.  It's a crisis beyond anything I have ever dealt with.  I must admit that I was more traumatized than I thought I would be imagining this moment in my life, because I didn't expect it so soon.  What I'm talking about is the fact that I found gray hair on my head this week - too many to deny it any more.  You see, I have found one, solitary gray hair before.  So, no problem, I just pulled it out and pretended it didn't happen.  This time, there were more.   And I'm certain that this is only the beginning of my demise.  I am aging.

Aging hasn't ever really been a problem for me until this year.  When I was 28, I was still far enough away from my thirties that it didn't bother me.   Now that I'm 29, 30 is dangerously close.  It makes me think of my own mortality a little more.  One reason for this is that my mother died when she was only 38.  That age is less than ten years away for me now, and it brings into perspective the fact that I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, and sometimes that scares me.  I wouldn't say that I worry about it, but it is most definitely a presence in my mind.

Another reason for my anxiety is that my body is now telling me that it has begun its decline.  I have been working really hard for the past five years to be as healthy as I can, eating well and exercising regularly, and I want to enjoy the use of my body for many years to come.  The problem is that I wasn't an active person before five years ago, and sometimes I wonder how much my body is going to be able to take in the future.  That's why it's so urgent for me to be at a healthy weight with habits that aren't destructive.  I now feel more urgency to get things in order so to speak, because you never know when those unhealthy habits are going to catch up with you.  All the more reason to continue to work hard to control my eating and increase the intensity of my workouts.  I want to be able to keep up with my kids when they are teenagers, because of course they will be very active, like I was not. 

So, this whole gray hair thing is not just a reminder that my body is aging.  It insults my vanity!  I have really nice hair, in my own humble opinion.  I shudder at the fact that it may not look like this for very much longer, and I contemplate starting to dye it just so I can deny its untimely change.  I think in ten years I won't mind so much, but I kind of do now...well, who am I kidding?  I really mind. 

Aside from the fact that I am depressed about getting gray hair before I anticipated it, I have been really thinking this week about making sure each minute of my life counts for something.  I don't mean that I have to run around like crazy trying to make an impact on every person I see.  I mean that I want to do things that matter - like spending more quality time with my kids, or encouraging someone who is down, or smiling at a random stranger.  How much time do we really have in this life?  Is worth it to work ourselves to the bone and not take time to appreciate the finer things?  I tend not to think so.  That's why you'll often find dishes from yesterday sitting in my sink.  I'd rather play with my baby, or cuddle with my husband after work, or write my novel.  Dishes will still be there (but seriously, don't let them pile up until you have none left to use...that's just annoying).  My goal is to do at least one thing every day that matters to me, and to work on those relationships in my life that are important.  When it all comes down to it, what else are we here for really, if not to have relationships?  We're certainly not here to become millionaires, or acquire things.  We have been given life because we are meant to live it.  I suppose a few gray hairs don't really matter in the grand scheme of things...but they make me think nonetheless.

PS - I hope you like my Anti-Aging Hair Rescue plug...something I might actually try!  Well, maybe not, but that's my attempt to be a little humorous.

Sisters

My sisters and I haven't always been close.  A lot has happened in our lives that has made it so that we lost touch.  With my younger sister, there were about ten years when I couldn't see her due to circumstances with her father.  With my older sister, even though she is my step-sister, we were still close even after I moved out of my home at sixteen up until a few years ago when I think life just got in the way.  Now, we are all back in one another's lives, and today we all got together for the first time in about 12 years. 

For me, it was an emotional time and I felt myself choking back tears most of the day.  I'm pretty sure it was like that for them too.  The truth is that after being separated for so long, the fact that we share a sisterly bond has never changed.  Over the years there was never a lack of love for each other and I found it easy to fall back into step with both of them today.  My little sister and I have been back in each other's lives for a few years now, and today I just felt closer to her. 

I have probably mentioned how important relationships are to me in previous posts, and today I find myself thinking on the subject again.  There is, to me, nothing more important in life than relationships.  They are what make up life.  Having meaningful and close relationships is something I strive for, and I am finding more and more that I just don't have time for relationships that don't mean something.  I value the people in my life more than anything else, and honestly, I can't imagine waking up one day and not having them around.  My husband, my kids, my sisters, my aunts, my cousins, my in-laws, my friends - these are all people I really truly want to know and be known by.  I want meaningful and significant relationships with them all.

My sisters are two of the most important people in my life.  I remember when my mom married my step-father, and told me that not only did I have a new step-sister, but I also had a baby brother or sister on the way.  I remember my elation at that very moment, knowing that I had just gone from being an only child to having two siblings!  When my little sister was born, I instantly wanted to take care of her, and I have always felt that way.  I feel that way even now. 

So today, I hope, was the first time in many times to come where all three of us sisters were able to spend some quality time together.  I love you guys.

Is There More Than Just the Physical and Emotional?

I have been writing this blog for months now, talking about my quest to achieve a healthy balance in my life.  I have thought about writing this post for a long time now, but the truth is, I didn't really know what to say.  There is admittedly one area in my life I have shied away from talking about but something I know is that in order to truly achieve balance, I need to acknowledge this and give it the attention it deserves.  What I'm talking about is a spiritual life. 

I was raised a Christian.  Since I can remember, I've gone to church and Sunday school.  I've read the entire Bible, and at one point in my life I was even involved in the leadership of a church.  I've always leaned on my faith in a greater purpose and a loving God to get me through tough times.  In the past few years though, I have gone in a direction I never thought I would.  I fell into beliefs I was raised in, and over the years I have internalized those beliefs.  I still believe much of what I did before, but things have changed. 

When my oldest was a year old, my husband and I were forced to leave our church.  For me, it was the same kind of grief I had experienced when a loved one dies.  For me, it was like my family died.  Living in a city where I didn't have any family, my church became that for me.  Even though I had many people declare their undying friendship to me even though we had to leave the church, those people eventually dropped out of my life one by one.  My closest friends became like strangers to me.  It was devastating.

Since then, I have only attended church sporadically.  I have pretty much lost my desire to be a part of any kind of spiritual community, because I am afraid of being rejected like that again.  It has taken me over four years to find a couple of people I can genuinely call friends in my city again, and I just can't take seeing people judge others because they live a different kind of life.  Because of all this, I feel as though the spiritual aspect of my life has taken somewhat of a backseat.  I do still definitely believe in a higher power.  I would even go so far as to say I would still label myself as a Christian.  I just can't bring myself to invest so much in a group of people who will ultimately reject me because I may believe some things a little differently.  I am admittedly still dealing with some of the hurts I experienced four years ago, but I recognize now that they were just doing what people do. 

I have been thinking a lot about the spiritual aspect of my life lately, and just how lacking it is.  But just because I reject church doesn't mean that I have to reject my belief.  In fact, I never have rejected my beliefs.  What I'm trying to figure out now is how to incorporate more spirituality in my life now.  I like to see God in the things around me, and in my beautiful children, my amazing husband and in all the answered prayers I have seen.  What I am working on now is being more mindful of those things, and allowing them to become more important in my life. 

Whatever you believe, I think it's important to have some kind of spiritual aspect to life.  I have never been one to tell others that they have to believe what I believe, and I'm still not.  I don't think it's right to enforce a belief system on people, but I do think it's important to acknowledge that there could be some greater purpose or design in life, whether that be getting more in touch with nature and the beauty that surrounds us, or taking a moment to pray and recognize a higher power in your life.  I definitely don't want to be preachy in this post, and I don't presume to think that my beliefs are the only ones out there.  I do think it's important to recognize that there are more aspects to life than just the physical and emotional, and that finding balance is about paying attention to all of ourselves.  So I am beginning to pay more attention to a part of my life that has been long neglected. 

What do you do to keep your spiritual side vibrant?

Are You a Hot Momma? This One's For You.

Attention all you hot mommas out there!  Yes, I mean you - the one with the voluptuous curves and untamed hair.  You, the one with the gorgeous pattern of stretch marks across your midriff and the circles under your eyes that just won't go away.  Now that I have your attention, I must confess that any one of the preceding statements could describe me on any given day.  What I want to write about in this post is how on earth a mother can begin to feel good about her body after the havoc of pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, lack of sleep, and never having time for herself.  I can't tell you that I have some magic cure or anything, but what I do have is experience.  I have been at points in my life where I haven't left my house because I hated how I looked, and where I felt amazing about my body and loved to wear clothing that showed it off.

After having two children, I have come to a realization that my body will never be the same.  I will always have to work hard to keep the fat away from my midsection, and all my sections for that matter.  I'm never going to be able to sit down and eat or drink anything I want without paying for it later.  That's just the way it is.  That doesn't mean that I have to succumb to the gravity of negativity trying to pull me down.  Sure, my body will never look like it used to, but to tell you the truth, I look pretty awesome now, and I feel even better.  Quite frankly, that is all that matters. 

When my oldest was about two years old, I realized that I hadn't lost any baby weight at all.  I was wearing sizes large and extra large, and I was completely ashamed of my body.  I don't know the exact day, or the exact thought, but one day something just snapped in me and I decided I'd had enough.  I was tired of telling my husband to shut up whenever he told me I was beautiful.  I was tired of trying to find clothing that would cover up all my trouble areas.  So I started exercising regularly and cut out the junk food and lost over 40 pounds.  The only thing I didn't do was completely change my mindset about my body.  I thought I was out of the woods, but I didn't realize that I was an emotional eater, and I gained back 25 of it after a year of keeping it off.  Then I got pregnant again.

When I got pregnant with baby number 2, I was 25 pounds overweight.  I wasn't happy with my appearance, and being pregnant just made it worse.  I gained a good 65 pounds, and to tell you the truth, I have no idea how I got around.  I mean, I was carrying around the equivalent of a ten year old compared to my lowest weight!  I vowed that as soon as I was physically able, I was going to start working out hard.  And I did.  And I've now lost 40 pounds!  That makes me 10 pounds less than I weighed when I got pregnant the second time.  I've only got 15 to go before I reach my goal weight, but that's not actually the point.  The point is that I have had to make some significant emotional changes in order to lose the weight this time, and I actually want to keep it off, so those changes better last.

I am an emotional eater.  I want to eat when I am happy, and I want to eat when I am sad.  Usually, I want to eat chocolate.  I don't have anything against chocolate, but when you eat it in large quantities, well, I suppose my waistline can tell you what happens.  Chocolate, cookies, carbs, and all manner of other goodies made me go from a size 8 to a size 12 in a year.  That was a stressful year!  In the beginning of that year, I was confident.  I was in good shape, eating well, and was starting my very first real job.  Nothing could bring me down.  Nothing except stress, exhaustion and losing confidence in my ability to teach.  So I ate.  And I stopped working out.  I so did not love the body after that year.  Ever since then, I have been working really hard on learning to love my body, and to treat it right.  Now, after losing 40 pounds again, and fitting all my old clothes, and actually looking good in them, I am beginning to do just that. 

I'm at a place right now where I still have lots of curves, but I love them.  I've always been a curvy girl, and I haven't always embraced them.  After having kids, I'm pretty sure I better get used to them!  You know what I'm talking about - those curves that say, yes, I am a mother.  Now I want to embrace all it is to be a woman; a hot momma!  Being a hot momma is wearing my battle scars from pregnancy proudly, and not being ashamed that my body has changed.  Being a hot momma is being confident enough to leave the house without makeup and still know I am beautiful.  Being a hot momma is filling out my clothes and knowing I look good!  So this is to all you hot mommas out there.  Try looking at your body a little differently; as an amazing vessel that gave you children, and love it!  Love your body by knowing it is beautiful, with all your curves and imperfections.  Love your body by giving it the things it needs to function properly - a healthy diet and exercise, and of course, the occasional piece of delicious chocolate. 

Go hot mommas!

Relax.

Today was a particularly difficult day for me.  It wasn't because I was overwhelmed with kids.  It wasn't because I had too much to do.  It wasn't because I was late and rushing around.  No, it wasn't any of the usual culprits that caused this day to be not my favorite.  It was a combination of a lack of sleep last night and circumstances that I couldn't control.  In a nutshell, I was supposed to have my windows replaced today, and I moved everything in my house around, took down my blinds and rearranged my mindset for the day only to not have it happen.  This, on top of not having slept well sent me a little bit over the edge.  I was annoyed.  I was frustrated.  I was irritated. 

So I needed to unwind.  There are a few things I do in order to unwind and relax.  More often than not I go to the gym.  Sometimes I take a bubble bath and read a book.  Other times I watch television or my favorite movie with a glass of red wine.  Tonight, I did one of my favorite things.  I took myself out for coffee .  I sat at Starbucks for a couple hours, just me and my laptop.  I got some really good writing done, ran into some friends I haven't seen for a while and got to drink a delicious cup of comfort.  Now I feel a hundred times better.  I don't want to snap someone's head off anymore (well, not most people anyways). 

I find it incredibly important to include these kinds of things in my life.  To have balance, I need to set aside time for myself to detox from all the bad and irritating things that build up during the day.  It took me quite a long time to find tools that I can use to unwind, and I am always searching for more.  If we allow the stress of life to stay inside ourselves, it becomes toxic.  Stress not only alters your mindset, but it also alters your body.  When I am under a lot of stress, I eat.  I self sabotage.  I become destructive and negative.  I don't want to exercise .  These things take a toll on mind and body, and I end up gaining weight and beating myself up about it.  Then it turns into a nasty spiral.  Because I am feeling negative towards myself, I end up medicating by eating more and exercising less, and then it just goes down hill from there.  Well, that is what could happen if I didn't have a box of tools I regularly use to get rid of all my negativity.  Instead of eating all the chocolate in sight, today I splurged on coffee and a small pastry and some much needed alone time.  I don't want the toxic effects of stress in my mind and body, and I don't want them in my home.  So I purged them. 

Stress can be erased by seemingly simple, small things.  By doing something to purposefully change your mindset, you don't allow stress to sink its teeth into you.  One thing that is important is that you have to be able to recognize what you are feeling, and have a strategy to deal with it.  Everyone needs something they can actively do to get rid of unwanted feelings.  I have written previously about positive thinking, and the benefits of it.  In an ideal world, we would all think positively, all the time.  Unfortunately, that is not the case.  Even the most positive people get down sometimes.  That is why we need to be aware of our feelings, our triggers, and the things that can help.  By doing something as simple as pounding it out at the gym, or sipping a warm cup of coffee in the company of my laptop, I can alter the negative thinking patterns that creep in and put them back on track.  I don't claim to be a professional, or to know what will and will not work for everyone.  I just know that I feel better when I am being positive and not allowing stress to have a residence in my mind.  I can only tell you what I try to do, and how I try to cope.  My hope is that everyone else out there has their own things that work.  We have enough to worry about in life without those extra little stresses.

What do you do to get rid of your stress?  Do you have something you can do to re-balance yourself, so that you don't have stress and negativity eating you up?  I would love to hear comments on your strategies and tools to de-stress and rearrange your negative thoughts to positive ones.

10 Simple Solutions to Stress: How to Tame Tension And Start Enjoying Your Life
Eliminate Stress And Anxiety From Your Life - Dealing With Stress! (Master Resale Rights)
Slim Goodbody Life Skills: Dealing With Stress

Unnecessary Dangers

In the society we live in, there is a plethora of information out there.  With the click of a mouse, we can find answers to virtually any question we can think of.  What I find astounding is that even in our instant information society we still make poor choices and put our children in unnecessary dangers.  I like to give parents the benefit of the doubt for the most part, but some things I see have absolutely no excuse - because the information is so readily available that it's astounding!

The first thing on my mind today are parents who smoke around their children.  We are all painfully aware that smoking leads to health problems, the biggest one being death.  This is something that is not refuted by anyone, smokers and non-smokers alike.  It is a hard fact.  So my question is, why on earth would we want to pass those health problems on to our most precious?  In the past month, I have seen so many parents light up with their kids near, or even in the vehicle with them, that I am absolutely heart broken!  By smoking around your kids, whether you are outside or you have the window cracked, you are allowing your children to breathe in poisonous chemicals such as carbon monoxide, formaldehyde, hydrogen cyanide, ammonia, arsenic and DDT, to name a few.  Would any parent who loves their child pour ammonia or arsenic into their bottle?  Would they add a little DDT to dinner?  NO!  So why, oh why would they allow their children to breathe it in? 

Some people think that if they smoke outside with their children near it isn't a big deal.  The fact of the matter is if you can smell the smoke, you are inhaling it, regardless of how much open air and space surrounds you.  They think that if they crack the window in the vehicle that the smoke will go outside, affecting the children strapped into this torture chamber very little.  Wrong.  Once again, if they can smell it, they are breathing it.  There is also the factor that these toxins don't just evaporate and disappear.  They cling to fabrics like clothing and upholstery as well.  Again, if you can smell it, it is there.  I would absolutely implore any parents out there who smoke around your children to reconsider!  Not only are you putting them at physical risk for a ridiculous amount of diseases (many of which are fatal), but you are providing a bad example for them as well.  Children of parents who smoke are twice as likely to become smokers themselves.  Twice as likely.  Wow.  I understand that smoking is a difficult habit to quit - really, I do.  But if your child's life isn't motivation for you, what is?

The next thing that has really been bothering me is the epidemic in North America of childhood obesity.  Recently, I have become somewhat obsessive over health, mainly because I want to be at my healthiest before my body begins to decline with age, and because I have two children who I want to set the best example for.  This is one reason my family rarely eats fast food, and why we have limited processed food in our diets.  Don't get me wrong, I am not going to deny my kids the occasional treat, but I prefer to give them as many healthy choices as I can.  If you ask my five year old what her favorite food is, her answer will be "vegetables."  This is because she has always been expected to eat them.  There was never a question as to whether or not my kids would eat their veggies.  They have to.  Now, they both absolutely love them, and often these are the first things that get eaten in a meal. 

As a society of instant gratification, we rely heavily on fast food to sustain us.  Often we don't think of what is actually in that food, and how much benefit it is actually doing our bodies.  Check out this link to see something disturbing about McDonald's, http://gizmodo.com/5662271/watch-six-months-of-a-happy-meals-eternal-life.  If food doesn't decompose on the plate, it is not going to decompose in our arteries.  Yet every kid I know is very aware of those golden arches, my own included.  We go there maybe two or three times a year, and honestly, my stomach hates me every time I do.  Not to mention that for the same price, I can prepare a wholesome and nutritious meal at home and feel much better after eating.  I can only imagine how many products and preservatives are in fast food!  Have you ever read the labels on common canned or packaged items at the grocery store?  I have started doing this more and more often, and when I don't recognize an ingredient, I will try to opt for something else. 

That's my little rant for today.  I sincerely hope we as a society of instant everything can take a step back and see what we are doing to ourselves and to our children.  I'm not saying we need to switch to eating everything organic and homemade.  I am just saying we should be more aware of what we put into our bodies and make a decision now to make healthier choices.  If we're not going to make those choices for ourselves, can we consider making them for our kids?  What's more important, that next cigarette and a convenient meal, or the health and wellness of our children?

The Monster Health Book: A Guide to Eating Healthy, Being Active & Feeling Great for Monsters & Kids!
Winning the Food Fight: Every Parent's Guide to Raising a Healthy, Happy Child
How To Quit Smoking Even If You Don't Want To
The Easy Way to Stop Smoking: Join the Millions Who Have Become Non-smokers Using Allen Carr's Easy Way Method

Dear Mom

To my mom,

My baby turned one year old this week, and your baby is turning twenty one in a few short weeks herself.  I feel like I have lived a whole lifetime without you, but your legacy continues.  In my beautiful sister, your baby girl, I see your face.  I see your warm heart and your compassion.  I see your smile, your hair, and your essence.  In my children I see your determination, your carefree attitude, your mischievous sense of humor and your artistic skill. 

Even though you've been gone from my life for as long as I had you, I still feel like I see you every day.  Though you aren't physically with me, I see what you have passed along to your daughters and granddaughters.  You were one of the most beautiful people I have had the privilege of knowing, and I am so happy that parts of you continue on.

I wish you could be here to see your grandbabies grow and learn and develop.  They are remarkable people, and I am bursting with pride about them.  I wish you could see how far I've come, and how much I've conquered to have a life I am truly happy with.  I wish you could see your baby girl turn twenty one and take her life into her own hands with strength and determination.  You would be so proud.

I really miss you right now, and I know I will miss you for the rest of my life.  You were a good mother, and I think if you were here now, we would be good friends too.  I hope I live up to all you wanted for me.  I emulate you when I parent my children, and because of this, I know that they will never doubt that I love them and want what is best for them.  I wish they could know you in person, but I take comfort in the fact that my sister, myself and they themselves carry on your spirit.

I love you mom.

Perspectives in the Mirror

I have always had a pretty distorted perception of what I look like.  It's always quite difficult to actually see myself as I am, and not how I think I am.  Do you ever have this?  There have been some points in my life when I have looked in the mirror and thought to myself, Wow, I look pretty darn good!  More often than not though, I look and see only my flaws.  My skin is blotchy, my eyes look tired, I have a double chin, I have big thighs, my stomach is flabby, I have a booty the size of...well, you get the picture.  More often than not, I see the things about myself I wish I could change and not the things I like. 

Well, lately that pattern has been a little different.  On several occasions, I have gotten dressed in the morning, surveyed the results and felt good about what I saw.  On these occasions I didn't only see thighs, which are admittedly shrinking.  I didn't see extra flab and curves where I don't want them.  I saw someone who has been working really hard to shape my body into an efficient machine, and I was happy.  

I've also always hated catching my reflection in windows and mirrors as I walk by.  I always think my butt sticks out too far and that things are just too big.  Again, all I used to see were the things I hated!  Well, tonight, not for the first time, I caught my reflection as I walked by some windows at the gym and I didn't cringe.  Not even a little.  I thought to myself, Geez, you look awesome!  Imagine that.  I was using positive self talk without even knowing it! 

Well, the truth of the matter is that I have lost a lot of weight since the birth of my almost one year old.  I am actually at a lower weight now than I was when I got pregnant.  I'm also in great shape.  I can run, walk, do cardio, and lift weights all without feeling like I'm going to die every step of the way.  I actually like working out.  I have gone from a size 18 to a size 10 (8 if it's stretchy).  So, I guess all this positivity and hard work is actually doing something to my brain.  Instead of seeing all the things I want to change about my body, I see how far I have come, and how incredible I look after all that hard work.  I still have quite a ways to go before I reach my goal, but I acknowledge that I am well on my way, and I am so proud. 

I know I'm not alone in this distorted view I often have of myself.  I know there are so many women, if not all of them, whose negativity manifests itself in the mirror.  We see a distorted image of what is really there, and we allow that lie to get us down and perpetuate itself.  Again, the whole positive self talk thing is such a must if we want to change.  It all begins in the brain, especially if you want a lasting change!  In the past 6 years, I have been borderline obese, and I have been at the lowest weight of my life.  Right now, I am on the lower end of overweight for my height.  When I was skinny, I told myself that I was never going to be that fat again, but honestly, I didn't fully understand what it would take to change my life around completely.  I did a really good job, and I only gained some of the weight back, but I did so because I was being negative.  I had a very difficult year, and I ate my way through it instead of staying positive, telling myself that I could do it and sticking to my active lifestyle.  I can see how I sabotaged myself now.  I see how I began to feel terrible about myself and how it eventually manifested in the mirror.

I hope we can beat this sickness one day.  I hope we can start to see ourselves as beautiful, wonderful human beings despite our flaws.  I hope the inner dialogue of humanity changes significantly, so that we can unleash the power within ourselves and create better lives.  Here's the thing though.  It starts with you and me.  If we don't begin with just us, we're never going to get anywhere.  I can talk about making positive changes in my life until I'm blue in the face, but it's meaningless unless I am actually making those changes myself. 

So here I am, starting with something so tiny as liking what I see in the mirror.

Change is in the Air

Do you ever feel a deep seated feeling of anticipation that something is about to happen?  Does the air around you feel electrically charged, like the gears of fate are grinding, causing friction and moving you into the next season of your life?  I do.  I feel that right now.  So much has been happening in my spirit in the last year, since the birth of my second daughter.  Something inside of me is stirring, moving and absolutely itching for change.  There are very few times in my life when I have felt like this, and each time I was on the precipice of something totally life changing; meeting my husband, having my kids, getting my first job. 

You have to understand something about me.  As I have mentioned before, I am a planner through and through.  I choose a direction, and I do not deviate from that path.  Since I was 16 and had to strike out on my own, I have had a life path chosen.  I never once entertained the thought that I might do something else.  I didn't give myself a list of options and then go for the most practical or appealing one.  I chose one thing to do, and I did it.  That was 13 years ago, and it has just been in the past year that I have come to the realization that I don't really have to be this way.  I am allowed to broaden my horizons.  I have given myself permission to do so, and believe me, that is a leap!

This all started when I chose not to go back to teaching and stay home with my kids.  I began by feeling a little bit stuck, and while I love being with my girls all the time, I felt a sadness at the loss of my career...even though I chose to leave it.  The thing that kept going through my mind was that I had worked so incredibly hard to gain my career, and now, after only teaching a few years, I was throwing it away.  On the flip side, I had such a negative experience my first year teaching, I wasn't sure I wanted this career any more, or at least not until I was in a better place emotionally.  Taking a few years to raise my kids seemed like the best option.  And I don't regret it for one minute.  I still felt like I had wasted five years in university getting my degrees, and I still wanted to use it for something.  Running a day home isn't exactly the same thing.

So after I grieved the loss of a life I had pictured for myself for so long, I realized that this didn't have to be the end.  I could still use my skills.  I could still have something to strive for (besides raising fantastic kids).  So I started to write.  This isn't news to anyone who has been following my blog.  But as I wrote in the entry about the snowball effect, one thing tends to lead to another.  It just gets bigger and bigger.  That's why I am anticipating something huge in my life.  Finally, after being so narrow minded about my life path for so long, I am able to look beyond the little box I have created for myself and see something completely new.

The other night I hatched a plan, as I am wont to do.  But this plan has me super excited!  If I can make it work, and I see absolutely no reason why I can't, then I can stay at home with my kids, continue with my day home, and use both of my university degrees.  Here's the kicker.  I can do something I am absolutely passionate about!  Can you feel the electricity?

So what, you ask, is this new direction?  Well, I have an elaborate plan, and my favorite thing about it is that it isn't unattainable and it could be huge!  It's something I can put into action right now, and in fact, I already have.  What I plan to do is teach creative writing.  Hmmm, sounds pretty close to my original career plan, right?  Well, it's not.  What I want to do is to start out by putting on writing workshops for kids who want to hone their craft.  They will be extra curricular, and just for kids who want to be writers.  That's where it starts.  I want to do the first one during the second semester of the school year, and set myself up to do a few more next summer.  Eventually, I will be able to develop a self-contained course and original resource that can be taken and taught by anyone.  That's where it starts to get big.  By February of 2012, I want to present a workshop at the local teacher's convention and have a booth set up to sell my resource.  I want to get other educators excited about teaching writing, and show them how to implement my program in their own classrooms, or as an extra curricular at their school.  But that's just the beginning.  I want to take my plan and go around to schools and school divisions and give professional development workshops for teachers and school staff to help them get excited about teaching writing too.  I want to create my own resource to publish and sell and bring other teachers on board who either want a change in their careers or can't find a job in this difficult economy...or who just want in!

All of this is just the jist of the plan, which I am still in the process or formulating.  My main focus right now is the workshops for kids and figuring out the logistics of that venture.  If I had known that this is what would happen when I open myself up to all the incredible possibilities afforded to us in this country, I may have been a little more open in the past.  The air around me is thick with the anticipation and I'm so excited at the prospect of a new direction in my professional life.  I am so incredibly passionate about writing, and it has taken having the time to actually do it again to get me there.  When I was teaching I only had time for planning, marking, and sleeping.  Now, even though my life is busy, I actually have a chance to sit down for a few minutes every day and write.  It had to all be stripped away for me to even see that there could be other possibilities.  Isn't that often the way?  Lose to gain?  Well, I'm glad.

Is there some possibility in your life you need to open up to? Are you really where you want to be?  I know that I'm getting there, and I hope my grand plans can inspire some of you to make a change if you really need one.  So, what are you waiting for?

Daddy Left You Again

The title of this post is causing me so much anguish.  I have been watching a program called "Teen Mom" and highlighted in this episode was something that actually made wrenched my heart and made me physically sick.  Obviously, as shown in the title of the show, these moms are young.  They may not have all the tools it takes to have healthy relationships and be parents, but the fact of the matter is that they are parents.  Once a child enters the picture, the parents do not come first.  They don't come second, sometimes not even third.  The main priority in a parent's life is to care for their children and give them the best upbringing they possibly can.  That means that if you don't have the tools to be a parent, you better darn well get them, in my opinion.

One girl on the show had a blow up with her boyfriend, with whom she had had several ups and downs; break ups and make ups.  This blow up, as usual, happened in front of the little toddler, and it ended with the mom saying to her daughter, "Daddy left you again."  The baby screamed for the remainder of the shots including this mom.  Not only does she initiate fights in front of her child, but she cusses in front of her, and then tells her that her father is leaving her.  I'm not sorry to say that this woman needs a serious reality check.

What we sometimes forget is that little ears are always listening.  It doesn't matter how young they are, or whether they can talk or not, they know whether you are saying something good or bad.  Newborns can sense a soothing tone or an angry one, and they respond accordingly. Toddlers mimic whatever they see, and if you yell and scream, so do they.  My own daughters show me this every day of my life.  My five year old is constantly saying things I have said to her - to her baby sister, to her friends, to her dolls, and even back to me.  I have to watch what I say.  My baby girl mimics her sister constantly.  Lately, her thing is to growl at everyone and scream - something my five year old taught her. 

The things we tell kids, especially the negative, will always stick with them.  If you tell a child over and over again that her daddy left her again, she will grow up believing that she was the cause of her father and mother's lack of relationship!  Do we really want our kids to internalize these things?  I am so appalled at these kinds of behaviors that my blood is just boiling.  Watching this little toddler scream and cry out for attention, comfort and her father absolutely broke my heart.  My husband said he just wanted to go upstairs and hug our girls.  I wanted to find that little girl and just love her. It takes so many more times saying positive and affirming things to people to blot out the negative, that when we say things that are hurtful to our children, we have to work ten times harder to counteract it.  The negativity festers, and if you tell a child things like, "It's not good enough," or "You're being stupid," they will absolutely believe you.

I just needed to vent a little about this issue.  I know I am not a perfect parent, and I have made my mistakes in parenting my kids, but through the process I have grown and learned, and strive to continue to do so.  I want so much to be someone my kids can look up to; someone who supports and loves them and brings out the best in them.  I just wish all parents had the tools necessary to put their children first.  I guess that is one reason why teens should not be having children themselves - they are ill equipped for the most part.  Heck, I was 23 when my 5 year old was born, and it was no picnic for me!  The learning curve was mind blowing.  But dear Lord, let the words, "Daddy left you again," never depart from my lips, or anything else like it!

Lofty Goals...

I turned 29 last May, and all of a sudden, all the hopes and dreams I ever had came cascading into my mind.  I have always wanted a lot out of life.  I have always thought that if I didn't hope for lots, I would get very little.  What I didn't know was that many of my hopes and dreams wouldn't pan out as planned, but that I would have so much more than I ever thought I would.  I still have hopes and dreams though, and today, I have expanded them a little.

I have written extensively about my love of writing, singing and generally artistic type stuff.  I have written about teaching, and my career and my kids.  I have written a little about my weight loss goals, and the stumbles along the way.  Well, my new hopes and dreams veer off in a completely different direction; one that is incredibly foreign to me.

I was at the gym this evening, and I wanted to pick up a schedule for some of the classes, thinking I'd start going to Yoga once a week.  Instead of picking up a schedule, I picked up a guide that highlights all the programs they have at my gym.  I started to read it, and it really made me think.  There are some things in the guide I think I want to try!

One of them is bellydancing.  I am not a very coordinated person, but in my younger years, I enjoyed dancing as much as the next person.  I can't say I was ever very good at it though.  I think that as I am coming into the next decade of my life, it would be wonderful to do something for myself that can remind me of how beautiful and sensual a woman's body can be - even if it has had two children and has lots of curves.  Bellydancers are supposed to be curvy, right?  Well, I fit the bill then.  It might be a fantastic way to build confidence and pride in the body God gave me.  The only problem is that it doesn't jive with my schedule at the moment, so we will put that one on the backburner for now, but not out of my mind!

The next thing I saw in the guide was triathlon training.  Yes, I just said triathlon. Running, swimming and biking.  Triathlon.  Oh dear, what has my imagination gotten me into here?  I think that by the time I am 35, I should do a triathlon.  I am not a very good runner.  I can't seem to find a good rhythm, I always feel like I'm going to fall over, and I can't breathe when I run.  Is this realistic?  Well, I ran for 6 minutes today on the treadmill, and I didn't want to pass out.  That's kind of good, right?  Maybe in five and a half years, I will be able to run much farther.  Swimming - now there's something I like.  I used to swim lengths in university, but I am not very fast or very strong.  I also tend to want to hyperventilate and I hate it when water goes up my nose.  AND, I am afraid of water.  I am telling the truth though, I actually like swimming.  Then there is biking.  I can ride a bike, but not very fast and not very well.  I rode 40 km this past summer, and I almost died.  I made it, but I walked the hills and I was the last one in at the finish.  I think in five and a half years, I could ride a little better.  Maybe I should buy a bike?

So, I am beginning to take my narrow minded life plan and branch out a bit.  That's a scary thing for me!  I am a planner, through and through.  When I was in high school, I wanted to be a teacher.  Check on the degree, not so much on the actual career.  It's on hold.  When I moved to the city I live in now for university, I decided I was going to find a husband.  Well, I did that, and it worked out wonderfully.  The moment I set foot here I began to look.  It took me just over a year.  I met my hubby when I was nineteen and married him at twenty two.  Good for me, that part of my plan worked out.  Then I wanted to be married for five years, build my career, and then have kids.  That one has turned out to be a little backwards.  Oh well, cest la vie.

My list of things I wanted to do in my life is incomplete, and now I am adding more ambitions.  I wonder how much stress this will add to my life?  I already stress about the fact that I am almost thirty and have not been able to establish myself in a school district.  I put a lot of time and energy into writing, trying to take my career in a different direction, or at least add to it.  Now I want to bellydance and do a triathlon.  Oh dear, what have I gotten myself into?

All I know is that I can't live life without goals.  I need them to motivate me and spur me on to move my butt.  If I don't have them, my life will easily get soaked up by my domestic duties, supplemented by bad daytime television.  So, yeah, I have some lofty goals.  That's okay.  I need them, and it's kind of fun to branch out a little and take on something completely different.  Here goes nothing!

Here are some of my current lifetime goals: (If you don't put them out there, who will hold you accountable?)

1) Finish and publish at least one novel
2) Become a freelance writer and editor
3) Go back to teaching
4) Get my master's and PhD and teach English at a university
5) Sing in a band
6) Own a coffee shop and import and roast my own beans
7) Travel SOMEWHERE
8) Compete in a Triathlon
9) Take bellydancing

Lofty Goals...

The Value of Self

Each of us has the inherent right to exist.  We were born, and therefore have the right to be alive.  What we don't realize is just how important we are.  Every woman I have ever met, and many men too, have a view of themselves that I believe was not the intention when we came into being, however you believe that to have happened.  I feel as though we don't see the worth in ourselves, and when we don't realize this truth, we are unable to reach our full potential as human beings.

How many times have you said to yourself, "I'm just not good enough," or "I just don't have what it takes," dissuading yourself from success?  How many times have you looked in the mirror and been dissatisfied with what you saw?  How many times have you failed and given up?  I believe the human race has a sickness called 'self-depreciation.'  Why don't we value ourselves the way we should?  There are many answers to that question, and it is different for every person and every situation.  All I know are the reasons I have devalued myself, and I can only guess as to why others do it.  What I want to see is my generation, and those generations coming after me to learn the value of the self.  We need to understand and realize that we are worth the air we breathe, and that to deny ourselves this is a grave crime.

When we begin to understand just how valuable we are, life can take a completely different course.  When we treat ourselves poorly and allow others to treat us poorly, we live below the standard we were made for.  We tend to be unhappy, unfulfilled, angry, bitter and resentful.  When we take the time to look at the good in us, and not allow others to treat us badly, we walk in an empowered existence.  We are then able to look past life's setbacks and move forward.  We can take the abuse others dole out and push it away, not internalizing it.  We can heal from past hurts, and emerge from inside ourselves, giving positivity, love, and faith to others.  But first we need to stop devaluing ourselves. 

So, for what reasons have I devalued myself?  Much of it stems from childhood, rejection, abuse and being treated poorly.  Every person on the planet is abused by another at some point in their lives, but we cannot continue to allow that ill treatment to change how we view ourselves.  When I was young, I was abused by someone I trusted.  That caused me to view myself as usable and expendable.  I was too young to realize that I didn't have to allow it to affect my perspective on myself, and so I carry that with me.  Over the years, I have been rejected by many people:  men, church, friends.  I have caught myself saying I felt discarded like a piece of trash.  What I didn't realize was that by saying I felt like trash, I was beginning to view myself as trash.  Well, I am not trash, and I am deeply saddened that I ever thought that, for even one second.

While I carry all the poor treatment I have suffered at the hands of others, I have internalized my own poor treatment.  Because I was told over and over again that I wasn't good enough, I began to believe that I wasn't good enough.  I couldn't be good enough for anyone.  I began to sabotage my relationships because I thought people were going to see the image I thought I was - that they would figure out I wasn't good enough.  They would figure out I felt worthless on the inside, and they would believe it too.  I internalized hurtful words and actions, and began to hurt myself with them.  When I think about it logically, I ask myself why on earth I would abuse myself.  What could I possibly gain by perpetuating the cycle of hurt inside?  The answer is nothing, only grief.  This is not a way to live.  Now I can see that I have bruised myself.  I can see the scars I have inflicted, and I have made a promise to myself to be a little gentler, to treat myself better.  I wouldn't take a knife and cut up my body, so why should I cut up my psyche? 

But how can we stop this vicious cycle?  The first thing we need to realize is that our value as human beings was set the moment we came into existence, and it cannot change.  We were given life, something that should never be taken lightly.  Because we have the privilege of being alive, we are intrinsically valuable.  No one on the planet can lower our value, not even ourselves.  The truth is still true, whether we believe it or not.  We have the gift of life, and who are we to demean it? 

I'm not saying we can stop eating our humble pie and walk around with inflated heads.  I just think we need to realize that we are valuable, and no matter how many times we are told otherwise, it's not going to change.  So, I have some things I need to work on.  So, I have a bit of a temper.  So, I am not always the most patient, or kind, or affectionate person.  I am still a person of value, and now that I can see that, I have slowed down on the inner self-mutilation.  I can see that I deserve to live a good and happy life.  I can see that I need to treat myself well, body and soul.  I can see that when I am down on myself, I'm just falling into old cycles, and I now have the ability to pull myself out of it.  Do I always do it?  No.  But I know I can, and that's a start. 

Gone are the days when I don't appreciate myself.  Gone are the days when I think I am not good enough for some person or some job or some group.  Gone are the days when I abuse and belittle myself.  Gone are the days when I allow others' hurtful words and actions to turn into a cycle of self abuse I cannot crawl out of.

My earnest hope is that I can pass this on to my children, and everyone else around me.  I am so far from perfect, and even now I am asking myself, "Who am I to be preaching to everyone?"  Well, I am a person of value.  I know I have flaws, and that's okay.  I want this thing that has allowed me to heal from old hurts and see things differently pass on to others.  I sincerely hope that when you look in the mirror today, you can smile and tell yourself you are valuable, acceptable, beautiful and even priceless.  Because you are.

Infolinks In Text Ads

So I just recently added a new money making thing on my blog called Infolinks.  Below is a brief description of it.  The company suggests telling my viewers what it is etc.  Thought I'd let you know.

These links are part of a pay per click advertising program called Infolinks. Infolinks is an In Text advertising service: they take my text and create links within it. If you hover with your mouse over these double underlined links, you will see a small dialog box containing advertisement related to the text marked. You can choose to either move the mouse away and go on with your browsing, or to press on the box and go to the ad page which is relevant to the text.

Oh my goodness, I am getting old.

My daughter starts kindergarten tomorrow.  Kindergarten.  My little cherub with the chubby cheeks and stickin out ears is going to school.  She can count to 100, she can sound out words, she can draw better than I can.  How did this happen?  Where did the time go?  I feel like a broken record these days, wondering what the heck happened to speed time up over the past ten years.  Wasn't I just in university?  Wasn't I just married?  Wasn't I just pregnant?  Nope.  Time has passed, and it has left me behind.  I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this boat.

So, tomorrow when I drop my daughter off at school for the very first time, will I cry?  Yes.  Will I be proud?  Incredibly.  Will I want to stay all afternoon to make sure her teacher is doing everything right and realizing her full potential as the gifted child she is?  YES...I am a teacher after all.

So, how do I make all this SLOW down a little?  This one baffles me.  My baby, who I swear is a newborn, will be one in a month and a couple days.  ONE!  Are you kidding me?  Where did that year go?  I suppose the same time fairy who stole my oldest girl's first five years stole my little one's first year too.  Damn time fairies!  I would like to lock you up and send you far, far away so I can just enjoy my life, thank you very much.

But seriously, we only have today right?  The past ten years have gone by at lightning speed for me, and I know the next ten will go even faster.  I need to take a step back and enjoy it.  I would love to just hit the pause button and freeze my kids where they are, or even rewind a little, but alas, this is not a reality.  I suppose I have to really make the most of what I have, and the moments to come.  I can't let my life pass me by.  These events are really making me think that I shouldn't wait to live.  I should cherish each and every moment I have right now, and not get tied up in knots about the future.  Tomorrow when I drop my kid off at school, I will take a mental snapshot of the moment she walks away from me, and file it under "Important Stuff I Don't Want to Forget." 

Man, I feel old today.  Why am I not 18 any more?  Wasn't I just that young yesterday?  Where did it all go?

The Inner Dialogue of a Frazzled Mommy

I have been really into everything MOM these days.  I have been very active on a forum for moms, and have been so interested in hearing the perspectives of other mothers and how they deal with their children and the tough circumstances that arise.  I love that more and more moms are not pretending to be perfect anymore, and that they are talking about their struggles!  Because let's face it, every single day as a parent is a struggle.  EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Because I want to be a good mother, I try to really censor what comes out of my mouth in front of the kids.  I sometimes feel like screaming, "Shut up!", but instead I smile and nod my head, or patiently say, "Mommy needs a little bit of quiet time right now, please go play in your room."  This practice has taken me years to do somewhat successfully, and I still falter from time to time.  Sometimes I catch myself mid-word, and it turns into, "Shush," because I really don't believe a kid needs to learn how to say shut up from their parents. 

I have a five year old, and let me tell you, this age is particularly trying for me.  She never stops.  Even when she is on the brink of sleep, her lips are still moving.  "Mom, what if...?", "Mom, why...?", "Mom, can I...?".  It honestly drives me to the brink of madness.  In my logical mind, I know I should be happy that she is so inquisitive and talkative, because she is engaging her brain in meaningful learning.  In my logical mind, I should be able to patiently answer her questions.  In my real mind, I am wearily wishing she would just stop, just give me a few moments of peace.  In my real mind, I am actively pushing down annoyance and putting an enthusiastic smile on my face and answering the barrage of questions that is forever coming.

Something my five year old also does is scream.  Oh my goodness, does she ever scream.  She has no concept of volume control, and I am constantly telling her to bring her voice down.  She constantly forgets.  The screams escape like they are coming out of their own accord, and she seemingly has no control over it.  I catch myself saying 5, 6, 18 times a day, "No screaming in the house!", while I'm shouting...Yes, I have to shout.  It's the only way she will hear me.  Sometimes I want to get some duct tape and stick it over her mouth, but I know it won't do any good.  She will still scream.  She's five.  Inside my head, I am the one screaming though, and between the outer noise and loud inner dialogue, I give myself a big fat headache.  Not to mention the baby is picking up the habit as well.

My almost 11 month old drives me equally as crazy. She's at the stage where she is into absolutely everything, and thinks it's a game when I say no.  I say to her in my sternest mommy voice, "No, do not climb the stairs," and she laughs and climbs faster.  I say to her, "Yucky, don't put that in your mouth," and she smiles and proceeds to put it in her mouth.  I fully realize that she is a baby, and doesn't fully understand yet.  But she does understand the word 'no'.  She most certainly does.  In my mind, I am saying, "Oh my goodness, can I just sit down for a moment please?  Do you have to find the smallest piece of lint on the floor and put it in your mouth?  Yes, I guess I do have to vacuum...again."  On the outside, I often appear like I am calm and happy, simply taking the object from her, or pulling her off the stairs for the umpteenth time.  I'm like a broken record. 

How many times in the middle of the night have I said to myself, "When am I going to be able to just sleep?" in sheer and utter frustration?  Millions, gazillions, a ridiculous number of times.  I, like every other mother of young children, am exhausted, perpetually.  I run on caffeine and sheer force of will.  This just adds to the strain, to say the least.  Sometimes I think that if I could just get some sleep, all the other stuff would be easier to deal with.  But alas, I am not going to get any for quite some time...let's say, 18 years or so?  Shut up and accept it right?  Well, that doesn't mean that inside I can't be just as indignant as ever.  I can yell and curse inside my head, and be as grumpy as I want as long as I have a patient smile plastered across my face.  That's right, I fake it.  I fake it like there's no tomorrow.  Oh well, cest la vie.  This is life.

I also run a day home, as you may well know.  This gets a little, should we say, hairy at times.  During these summer months I have had, on some occasions, 9 children in my house.  Yes, I know it's over capacity.  I'm not going to say no to the money.  I might be sleep deprived and a little bit crazy in my head, but I'm not stupid.  Besides, they entertain each other fairly well.  Until someone's feelings get hurt, or someone 'accidentally' hits someone else, or takes a toy someone else was already playing with.  Then it's tears and accusations, and I can barely get a word in edgewise.  Yes, having a plethora of children in my tiny little duplex between the ages of 11 months and age 10 is, shall we say, fun.  Yeah, fun is  good word for it.  Fun is when there is so much noise I think I might explode.  Fun is preparing lunches for so many kids that I have every chair in my house full, plus the highchair.  Fun is trying to get them all to eat the same thing.  Fun is doing crafts in my cramped kitchen and spending an hour cleaning up afterward.  Yep, it's fun.  I'm not saying I don't enjoy what I do, but it does make it so that I really look forward to five o'clock.  I have some great kids, but I like it when they go home.  I'm just saying. 

Sometimes having a husband is fun too.  I have a really fantastic husband, but like many other men, I'm pretty sure he has no idea how to clean a bathroom.  Or pick up his empty pop cans without being asked.  Or do the dishes.  Oh, I know he can do these things. I know his mother!  But, does he?  Not usually.  You can imagine my dismay when I have been cooking, cleaning, refereeing, and diapering all day long and I have to pick up after someone else now too.  Yes, he works all day long, and to his credit, has an incredibly taxing and exhausting job, but I'm pretty sure he can at least put his dishes in the sink.  I'm making it sound worse than it really is, but this is my frustrated inner dialogue shared for the world to see.

I write all of this with the baby on my lap, trying to push the keys on the computer, grabbing the glasses from my face, giving me big wet kisses and treating me as if I were a jungle gym.  So why bother?  Well, it keeps me sane for one thing.  For another, when am I going to find time later?  I have a list about ten feet long of things to do before I head out for the weekend tomorrow, which is a chore in and of itself.  So, here ends my crazy inner dialogue, for today at least.  I hope that if any of you are in the same boat, you can take comfort in the fact that you're not the only crazy woman out there.  I'm a prominent member of the club too!