Remembering

Chatting with an old friend has got me remembering.  This time of year always makes me remember, but last night I began to remember a little more vividly.  There are so many people who have touched my life and changed me irrevocably.  There are so many people I have loved without abandon, before I learned to guard my heart against the world that conspires to hurt me.  Sometimes I feel as though I have come full circle, and I am a child again, foolishly putting my heart out there for people to do what they will.  But I honestly can't think of another way to live and be happy.  I really don't think there is anything else to this thing we call life than to love the people we encounter, and cherish and savor those who are destined to be companions, like our children, spouses, parents, siblings and friends.

I have had the great priviledge to call many amazing people my friends.  And now, because of the social network, I have been able to reconnect with many of those I thought I'd never encounter again.  This is what makes me remember.  I remember the times when I was a child, a teen, an almost adult, when I threw my heart to the wind and begged the wind to love me.  Suffice to say, that endeavor was somewhat unsuccessful, as the wind can only do what it does.  Loving me was beyond its capacity, but I cherished it nonetheless.  I got swept up in it.  And now, looking back, though my childish emotions weren't reciprocated the way I wanted, I am happy that I felt the way I did.  I remember it with warmth and fondness, and sweet nostalgia. 

I love getting wrapped up in memories.  This time of year especially makes me remember my mother.  She died shortly after Christmas in January of 1996, and she loved Christmas.  She loved baking, and decorating the tree and singing Christmas carols.  She loved the hectic family get togethers and the chaos of gift opening with squealing children and laughing sisters.  She went out of her way to make me and my sister feel special.  There was always something grand under the tree, though we never had a lot of money.  But what I remember the most about my mother was not the presents and the baking, it was the smell and sound of her warmth and her love.  It was the smile that she wore constantly and the sound of her laughter.  It was her adoration of her family and the fact that I never once questioned whether or not I was loved completely.  Yes, I love remembering.  Though it often comes with the bitter pangs of the love that has been lost, the presence I no longer have in my life, it does my heart good to remember.

Yes, I have truly loved many people in my life, and I honestly believe it is my purpose to fulfill on this earth.  So come what may, I will always love people without abandon.  It's the way I am wired.  I was born to pass that along to others, whether they want to receive it or not.  Today I sit and remember those I have loved passionately and I think on them happily.  I ask the universe to bless them and bring them happiness and love.  Most of all I thank them for existing so I could adore them.  And now I look to the future and those in my life at this moment, and thank God for every single moment I have with them, because I know that life is short, and someday I will not be here to enjoy them.  I love remembering, and to those I have loved in my life, thank you for allowing me to do so.  I will always think of you with warmth.