We all have a past. Every one of us has come through difficult, or even impossible circumstances. One thing I have learned, and have been reminded of as of late, is that we need to leave the past behind us. People allow their pasts to pull them, making balance very difficult. It's like a tug of war. When you have a plethora of experiences and feelings pulling against your present, there is always more weight in the past, and it will topple you over, if you let it. Whatever we have been through, we do not have to let it negatively affect our lives for a single moment longer. Believe it or not, you have control over your thoughts and emotions. You can let go of the rope and let it fall.
When I say leave the past behind, I do not mean take a shovel and bury it, along with all the feelings that come with it. I mean that we need to be real about what has happened to us, and then deal with all the consequences. When they are dealt with, we can say goodbye to them. Let me tell you a little bit of my own story to illustrate what I mean.
I, like every single one of you out there, have not had an easy time of things. When I was too young to remember, my parents divorced. After this, my mother decided to begin a new relationship with a man who seemed to have it all together. He did not, as it turns out. His need for control and domination led to many different forms of abuse that my whole household had to deal with. He had a very bad temper, and though he never struck me, he belittled me to the point where I did not feel any self worth. It was then that other forms of abuse began to surface, and did not stop until my mother got sick with cancer and passed away. I was fourteen at the time, and my precious little sister was only six. We were left alone with a man, who in my mind, hated me to the core.
After years of being ignored, abused, belittled and made to feel worthless, I had had enough. I could no longer deal with any of it, and I had to find a way out. I briefly considered suicide, but did not have it in me to take that path. I looked for validation in many, many places and did not find it. A sixteen year old me finally had a blow up with my step father, and was forced to leave my home. It was the next two years that saw healing begin in my life, and the beginnings of hope and worth began to sprout. I learned that only I had power over myself, and that I did not have to let him hurt me anymore. I became fierce, passionate and motivated. I turned the pain, sorrow, hate and sadness into fuel for my progression in life.
Finally, through talking about my experiences, praying, and being loved, I was able to forgive. I was able to take all the negative emotions and let them out. They seemed to dissipate. I realized that my negative emotion, my hate, my unwillingness to forgive was holding me back from really living life. I needed to be free, and I made a choice. I am not saying that in a split second, I was completely better and it was all gone, but I am saying that I was able to make a conscious choice every day to live instead of hate and hurt. It took me many, many years to come to a place in my life where I am happy with myself and I am not negatively affected by what happened to me. I will not lie and tell you I have forgotten, or that it doesn't still make me mad, but I can tell you I do not feel helpless and hopeless anymore. My past is just where it should be - in the past. Every experience I have had has had a hand in who I am and who I choose to be, but the key word here is 'choose'. I choose to be someone who has conquered my past and lived to tell the tale. It was an ugly battle, but the truth is that I am strong, and so are you.
I encourage you, whatever it is that you are holding on to, to be real about it. Talk about it. Deal with your feelings, and then allow the past to die away. Punch it in the face if you need to, and then forgive. You have a right to feel your anger, pain, disappointment, fear, and hate! So, go ahead and feel them. Allow yourself to feel them completely, but then let them go! Emotions like this will become toxic to you, and you owe it to yourself to purge them. You will never forget the circumstances you were placed in, but you can certainly overcome them. I am not perfect. I certainly do not 'have it all together' but once or twice in my life, I have taken the reins and said NO MORE. My heart, which is so full with love for my husband, my kids, my sister, my family and my dear friends has absolutely no room for hate and unforgiveness.
Which one would you rather have inside you? Let's let the past stay there. It clutters up the present and the future.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Positive Self-Talk
In my life, I have struggled with many different things. Some of them have been difficult to overcome, and some have not. Some of them I have not overcome yet. Some I am totally unaware of. Something that was brought to my attention last weekend was the power of my own words, and how much they affect my life. I rode a bike forty kilometers as an overweight, somewhat out of shape, exhausted person. But, I did it. I didn't think I could, but I arrived in one piece at the end. Part of it was because I had made a commitment. Part of it was because everyone else was doing it too, and part of it was because instead of telling myself how hard it was, I told myself I could do it. One of my companions mentioned that there is a correlation between what you say aloud and what your brain does. Since then, positive self talk has been on my mind, and I decided to do a little research.
I have always known that if you look for the positive things in life, that's what you will see. It makes sense that we see where our eyes are looking, even in a figurative sense. I find that when I am negative about myself, to myself, then I achieve less. I am less motivated, and less likely to follow through. I don't do things I love and I don't try to. When I am positive about things, I find that it breeds more positive things (snowball effect, right?). On my bike ride, I found the first three kilometers the most difficult. It was on a bike path, with small hills and smooth ground. Why was it hard? Because I told myself it was. Why couldn't I make it up those hills? Because I told myself I couldn't. Out loud. I said "I can't do this." So, I didn't. So how on earth did I make it the rest of the way? I decided to stop telling myself I couldn't and tell myself I could. I found myself repeating aloud, "You got this," "You're doing it," "You're awesome," through some of the more difficult pushes, and guess what? I did it!
Here's another example from my recent experience. I went to the gym yesterday, and caught my reflection in the window as I walked up. Instead of seeing a body that is overweight and has bulges in places I wish it didn't, I saw a body that is way more toned and slim than it was nine months ago (and even before getting pregnant for that matter). I said to myself (not aloud this time...no one else needs to think I'm nuts), you actually look like you belong here. You look pretty freakin' good! And guess what? My workout was awesome. I pushed hard, I was sweating hard, and I had a great time. I enjoyed exercise, and if you know me, you know that's a little strange! I am definitely sore today!
I'm finding that positive self talk is changing my perception on many things. I tell myself that I'm a good mother, and I really become a better mother. I tell myself I look good, and I am motivated to keep working at it. I tell myself I am a good writer, and the words flow. It's the small things that make up the majority of a person's experience, and if you can change the small things, than the big things are sure to follow suit. I don't know about you, but it just makes sense to me that if I choose to view things in a positive light, then they will be positive. If I don't see negative, how can it affect me?
Here are some quotes I found when I googled 'positive self talk':
I have always known that if you look for the positive things in life, that's what you will see. It makes sense that we see where our eyes are looking, even in a figurative sense. I find that when I am negative about myself, to myself, then I achieve less. I am less motivated, and less likely to follow through. I don't do things I love and I don't try to. When I am positive about things, I find that it breeds more positive things (snowball effect, right?). On my bike ride, I found the first three kilometers the most difficult. It was on a bike path, with small hills and smooth ground. Why was it hard? Because I told myself it was. Why couldn't I make it up those hills? Because I told myself I couldn't. Out loud. I said "I can't do this." So, I didn't. So how on earth did I make it the rest of the way? I decided to stop telling myself I couldn't and tell myself I could. I found myself repeating aloud, "You got this," "You're doing it," "You're awesome," through some of the more difficult pushes, and guess what? I did it!
Here's another example from my recent experience. I went to the gym yesterday, and caught my reflection in the window as I walked up. Instead of seeing a body that is overweight and has bulges in places I wish it didn't, I saw a body that is way more toned and slim than it was nine months ago (and even before getting pregnant for that matter). I said to myself (not aloud this time...no one else needs to think I'm nuts), you actually look like you belong here. You look pretty freakin' good! And guess what? My workout was awesome. I pushed hard, I was sweating hard, and I had a great time. I enjoyed exercise, and if you know me, you know that's a little strange! I am definitely sore today!
I'm finding that positive self talk is changing my perception on many things. I tell myself that I'm a good mother, and I really become a better mother. I tell myself I look good, and I am motivated to keep working at it. I tell myself I am a good writer, and the words flow. It's the small things that make up the majority of a person's experience, and if you can change the small things, than the big things are sure to follow suit. I don't know about you, but it just makes sense to me that if I choose to view things in a positive light, then they will be positive. If I don't see negative, how can it affect me?
Here are some quotes I found when I googled 'positive self talk':
- Limited thinking: When you tell yourself you can't handle something (or some other self-limiting thought), you tend to stop looking for solutions.
- The words that you use to describe what is happening to you, and how you feel about external events, will trigger the emotions of happiness or unhappiness that you experience.
- Repeating affirmations is a self talk method that can affect and change behavior and habits. This is an effective method for self improvement and for improving one's life, because the subconscious mind accepts and regards often repeated thoughts, statements or self talk as commands. The subconscious mind does not make distinctions between negative and positive thoughts and self talk, and treats them both in the same way, which means that you have to be careful to choose only positive affirmations.
Monday, July 19, 2010
What an Adventure!
This past weekend has been an adventure, to say the least. It has been challenging, exciting, and exhilarating. I have been pushed to my limits in more ways than one, and have proven to myself that I have more in me than I thought. It all started when I dropped my kids off for the weekend with their Grandma.
I have been away from my five year old several times. She stays with her Grandma for a few days every summer, and I am never anxious about it. I have never left my little one for more than a day though. This weekend, I left her for two whole nights. Thinking about it all week long made me burst into silent tears at moments. I would miss my girls terribly, and I am still nursing my baby, so I was in knots wondering if I had expressed enough milk to last her the weekend. Another thing that made me anxious was the fact that she plays strange with everyone except myself and my husband. She doesn't like other people to hold or sometimes even touch her. When I'm around, she screams if I give her to someone else. I was worried she'd scream all weekend long. She also doesn't sleep through the night yet, and I wondered how she'd do in the middle of the night without me. Turns out I stressed out for nothing! She was fine (of course she was). She went for a nap as soon as we arrived at Grandma's, so she didn't cry when I left, and apparently she was fine the whole time. She ate well, but wouldn't take any bottles. She didn't drink a drop of the milk I sent, the little stinker! She was fine though, and didn't seem to care either way. So, I have successfully left my littlest one with Grandma, and we both lived. Excellent.
The next part of my adventure was the best part! My aunts, cousins and sister all got together to go on a bike trip in Kananaskis Country. When I say bike trip, I don't mean motorcycles. I mean bicycles. I haven't ridden a bike for a good ten years. I don't even own one! I borrowed one from a friend, and didn't get on it until the day before we left on this trek. I forgot to mention that not only were we biking in Kananaskis, but we were biking to Kananaskis. We left from Black Diamond, just south of Calgary, Alberta. The trip was 40 km. The first three km were a bit of a moment for me. We rode from Black Diamond to Turner Valley to meet the rest of my family, and I was certain there was no way I was going to make it. There were some little hills on the way that I had to get off my bike and walk up. Pathetic! I was so not going to be able to do this. I still had like 38 km or so to go! What on earth was I thinking. The only thing that made me keep going was the fact that I had made a commitment to go, and I needed to see it through. It helped that my family was there, and I wasn't the only one with qualms.
After waiting for flat tire to be changed and taking a bunch of group pictures, we were off. This trip was a nostalgic journey for my aunts, and an eye opening one for me. Sixteen years ago, all of my aunts and my mom took this same trip. Since then, both my mother and my oldest aunt have passed away. This trip was sort of a way for us all to remember them, and for my sister and I, a way for us to walk in our dear mother's footprints. I wanted so badly to say I had done it too, so I pushed through the pain in my legs and bottom, and kept going. Then I got into a good groove, and was really enjoying it! After a while, I was able to look around and see the foothills change from relatively flat country to great hills and valleys, with trees and flowers and all sorts of beautiful sights. I was able to talk with people as we rode together, and I was feeling good. As the hours wore on and the kilometers went by, I began to feel fatigue, and again questioned why on earth I was attempting this. There was no turning back now! We stopped for lunch a couple of hours in, as we readied ourselves for the last leg of our journey. We had 10 km to go, and a huge hill to traverse. I won't say I was looking forward to it. I won't say I was happy about it. I won't lie and say I actually rode up it. I walked. I still made it. That last 10 km was by far the most difficult for me, and even though I walked the last couple, I made it to the end. I was the last one to stroll into the campsite, but I got there! I've never pushed my body to its limits like this before. I've done a lot of hiking in the past where I thought I didn't have anything left, but this time I really didn't have anything left. I was pushed to my extreme limit, but I am amazed at the capabilities of my body. After having two kids, and not ever really being an active person before three years ago, I rode (and walked) forty kilometers. Amazing!
I was pushed to my physical limit on the bike trip, pushed to an emotion limit leaving my kids, and then on our way home my patience and driving skills were tested too. We drove south on highway 22 to pick up my kids on our way home. It's a winding road that usually has a lot of traffic on weekends. It's also a single lane highway with little room for passing. On our way up, we dealt with a lot of traffic and impatient drivers. On our way home, we dealt with the worst summer storm I think I have ever seen. I have only been driving for two years, and I haven't driven in a lot of extreme conditions. This winter was my first experience with winter driving. I've driven in the rain a couple of times, but not like this. It was pouring so hard I could barely see in front of me, but that wasn't the worst of it. It hailed. Thank God it didn't hail on us, but we had to drive through the aftermath. Cars had pulled over to the side of the road because they couldn't get up the hills that were now rivers of ice and water. There were accidents. We were going about 20 km/hour. The trip that should have taken an hour and half took three hours. I had to pull over to the side of the road once because I couldn't see in front of me. It was scary, but we made it safe and sound. It was slow, and the hail piled up on the road like snow. I could feel it scraping the bottom of my van as we drove. I am so thankful I have a new vehicle with all wheel drive and new tires. We didn't slip or slide once, and we made it in one piece. Phew! I was so relieved when we turned off highway 22 onto highway 3 to get my kids and get home. We dealt with more rain all the way, but the worst was over.
My entire weekend was an adventure, and I am so glad I did it! I pushed myself harder than I have ever pushed, and ended up victorious. I was tested in more ways than one, and made it unharmed. I got some time away from my kids and didn't feel guilty. I spent some amazing time with my amazing family and beautiful sister. I was sore and exhausted, but I am still here, and all the better for it. If I can do all this, what can you do? If I, an overweight mother of two who only started getting into shape a few years ago, can bike ride forty kilometers in the foothills, what can you accomplish if you set your mind to it? You might be surprised at what you can get through if you try.
I have been away from my five year old several times. She stays with her Grandma for a few days every summer, and I am never anxious about it. I have never left my little one for more than a day though. This weekend, I left her for two whole nights. Thinking about it all week long made me burst into silent tears at moments. I would miss my girls terribly, and I am still nursing my baby, so I was in knots wondering if I had expressed enough milk to last her the weekend. Another thing that made me anxious was the fact that she plays strange with everyone except myself and my husband. She doesn't like other people to hold or sometimes even touch her. When I'm around, she screams if I give her to someone else. I was worried she'd scream all weekend long. She also doesn't sleep through the night yet, and I wondered how she'd do in the middle of the night without me. Turns out I stressed out for nothing! She was fine (of course she was). She went for a nap as soon as we arrived at Grandma's, so she didn't cry when I left, and apparently she was fine the whole time. She ate well, but wouldn't take any bottles. She didn't drink a drop of the milk I sent, the little stinker! She was fine though, and didn't seem to care either way. So, I have successfully left my littlest one with Grandma, and we both lived. Excellent.
The next part of my adventure was the best part! My aunts, cousins and sister all got together to go on a bike trip in Kananaskis Country. When I say bike trip, I don't mean motorcycles. I mean bicycles. I haven't ridden a bike for a good ten years. I don't even own one! I borrowed one from a friend, and didn't get on it until the day before we left on this trek. I forgot to mention that not only were we biking in Kananaskis, but we were biking to Kananaskis. We left from Black Diamond, just south of Calgary, Alberta. The trip was 40 km. The first three km were a bit of a moment for me. We rode from Black Diamond to Turner Valley to meet the rest of my family, and I was certain there was no way I was going to make it. There were some little hills on the way that I had to get off my bike and walk up. Pathetic! I was so not going to be able to do this. I still had like 38 km or so to go! What on earth was I thinking. The only thing that made me keep going was the fact that I had made a commitment to go, and I needed to see it through. It helped that my family was there, and I wasn't the only one with qualms.
After waiting for flat tire to be changed and taking a bunch of group pictures, we were off. This trip was a nostalgic journey for my aunts, and an eye opening one for me. Sixteen years ago, all of my aunts and my mom took this same trip. Since then, both my mother and my oldest aunt have passed away. This trip was sort of a way for us all to remember them, and for my sister and I, a way for us to walk in our dear mother's footprints. I wanted so badly to say I had done it too, so I pushed through the pain in my legs and bottom, and kept going. Then I got into a good groove, and was really enjoying it! After a while, I was able to look around and see the foothills change from relatively flat country to great hills and valleys, with trees and flowers and all sorts of beautiful sights. I was able to talk with people as we rode together, and I was feeling good. As the hours wore on and the kilometers went by, I began to feel fatigue, and again questioned why on earth I was attempting this. There was no turning back now! We stopped for lunch a couple of hours in, as we readied ourselves for the last leg of our journey. We had 10 km to go, and a huge hill to traverse. I won't say I was looking forward to it. I won't say I was happy about it. I won't lie and say I actually rode up it. I walked. I still made it. That last 10 km was by far the most difficult for me, and even though I walked the last couple, I made it to the end. I was the last one to stroll into the campsite, but I got there! I've never pushed my body to its limits like this before. I've done a lot of hiking in the past where I thought I didn't have anything left, but this time I really didn't have anything left. I was pushed to my extreme limit, but I am amazed at the capabilities of my body. After having two kids, and not ever really being an active person before three years ago, I rode (and walked) forty kilometers. Amazing!
I was pushed to my physical limit on the bike trip, pushed to an emotion limit leaving my kids, and then on our way home my patience and driving skills were tested too. We drove south on highway 22 to pick up my kids on our way home. It's a winding road that usually has a lot of traffic on weekends. It's also a single lane highway with little room for passing. On our way up, we dealt with a lot of traffic and impatient drivers. On our way home, we dealt with the worst summer storm I think I have ever seen. I have only been driving for two years, and I haven't driven in a lot of extreme conditions. This winter was my first experience with winter driving. I've driven in the rain a couple of times, but not like this. It was pouring so hard I could barely see in front of me, but that wasn't the worst of it. It hailed. Thank God it didn't hail on us, but we had to drive through the aftermath. Cars had pulled over to the side of the road because they couldn't get up the hills that were now rivers of ice and water. There were accidents. We were going about 20 km/hour. The trip that should have taken an hour and half took three hours. I had to pull over to the side of the road once because I couldn't see in front of me. It was scary, but we made it safe and sound. It was slow, and the hail piled up on the road like snow. I could feel it scraping the bottom of my van as we drove. I am so thankful I have a new vehicle with all wheel drive and new tires. We didn't slip or slide once, and we made it in one piece. Phew! I was so relieved when we turned off highway 22 onto highway 3 to get my kids and get home. We dealt with more rain all the way, but the worst was over.
My entire weekend was an adventure, and I am so glad I did it! I pushed myself harder than I have ever pushed, and ended up victorious. I was tested in more ways than one, and made it unharmed. I got some time away from my kids and didn't feel guilty. I spent some amazing time with my amazing family and beautiful sister. I was sore and exhausted, but I am still here, and all the better for it. If I can do all this, what can you do? If I, an overweight mother of two who only started getting into shape a few years ago, can bike ride forty kilometers in the foothills, what can you accomplish if you set your mind to it? You might be surprised at what you can get through if you try.
Monday, July 12, 2010
The Snowball Effect
Everyone has heard the phrase "the snowball effect" and I'm sure we have all experienced this phenomenon at some point or another. Often, it refers to negative things. If one thing goes wrong, then it "snowballs" and other things follow in its wake, making it larger and larger. In this post, I want to discuss a different kind of snowball effect - a positive one. I have said time and time again that I need to get my life into balance, and in the past months, I have taken steps toward achieving this. I have started exercising regularly, eating better, and finding my passions again. I don't find that any of these things are mutually exclusive though.
Once I started to see the effects the exercise and a better diet on my body, I began feeling happier by the day. I am able to fit into my pre-baby clothes more easily all the time, and I just plain feel good. For me, this kicked off that snowball I mentioned. Because I was feeling better about my body and held a sense of achievement for obtaining a goal, I started to feel better about other things in my life. I have always thought of myself as a creative person, but somewhere along the way, I lost my creativity. It was buried under low self-esteem, exhaustion and just plain feeling unhappy. Everything I had was put into my children and my job, and I had nothing left for myself. Then I started to take something back, and I found that other things came with it. One positive thing ended up breeding more.
Now, I can't say I've got everything magically pulled into balance in my life. I can say however, that I can see it coming. I can see things falling into place as I take small steps in each area. I have lost 32 pounds, and that feels fantastic. I don't cringe when I look in the mirror anymore, and I feel so inspired to get more fit and healthy. In being inspired to live a physically healthier life, I am inspired to live a healthier life in all realms! As I said in my last post, I am rediscovering my greatest passions in life, and have now completed almost seven chapters of a novel I have always wanted to write! This inspires me to keep going, keep pushing, keep working out, keep letting happiness make its way back into my life. I find I am better with my kids, and happier in my marriage. I enjoy my dayhome more, and I have more energy, despite being just as tired as always. Things are snowballing.
I took one step toward taking back my life, and other things are falling into place. I started writing this blog with a feeling of loss - for all the things in my life I no longer had. Now, a month in, I can see my perspective changing, and my life becoming more of what I want it to be. I keep telling myself "I am taking back my life" and I truly am. One positive thing breeds another. Inspiration breeds inspiration. Motivation breeds motivation. Success breeds success. Let's take a step in the right direction today, and let the snow fly. It can be as simple as making a promise to yourself to treat yourself better. What step are you going to take right now? I think I deserve a positive, happy, healthy life where I don't have to mourn things I miss like they're dead. Don't you?
Once I started to see the effects the exercise and a better diet on my body, I began feeling happier by the day. I am able to fit into my pre-baby clothes more easily all the time, and I just plain feel good. For me, this kicked off that snowball I mentioned. Because I was feeling better about my body and held a sense of achievement for obtaining a goal, I started to feel better about other things in my life. I have always thought of myself as a creative person, but somewhere along the way, I lost my creativity. It was buried under low self-esteem, exhaustion and just plain feeling unhappy. Everything I had was put into my children and my job, and I had nothing left for myself. Then I started to take something back, and I found that other things came with it. One positive thing ended up breeding more.
Now, I can't say I've got everything magically pulled into balance in my life. I can say however, that I can see it coming. I can see things falling into place as I take small steps in each area. I have lost 32 pounds, and that feels fantastic. I don't cringe when I look in the mirror anymore, and I feel so inspired to get more fit and healthy. In being inspired to live a physically healthier life, I am inspired to live a healthier life in all realms! As I said in my last post, I am rediscovering my greatest passions in life, and have now completed almost seven chapters of a novel I have always wanted to write! This inspires me to keep going, keep pushing, keep working out, keep letting happiness make its way back into my life. I find I am better with my kids, and happier in my marriage. I enjoy my dayhome more, and I have more energy, despite being just as tired as always. Things are snowballing.
I took one step toward taking back my life, and other things are falling into place. I started writing this blog with a feeling of loss - for all the things in my life I no longer had. Now, a month in, I can see my perspective changing, and my life becoming more of what I want it to be. I keep telling myself "I am taking back my life" and I truly am. One positive thing breeds another. Inspiration breeds inspiration. Motivation breeds motivation. Success breeds success. Let's take a step in the right direction today, and let the snow fly. It can be as simple as making a promise to yourself to treat yourself better. What step are you going to take right now? I think I deserve a positive, happy, healthy life where I don't have to mourn things I miss like they're dead. Don't you?
Friday, July 9, 2010
Finding my passions - again
I have been preoccupied lately. While attempting to balance out my life, I have found that my passions have begun resurfacing. For a long time I have felt somewhat devoid of passion. Maybe it's lack of sleep, or maybe it's just that I have too many other things to do. Lately I have been trying desperately to regain some of what I miss in my life, starting with exercise and good health. I've decided to take back my life in more ways than one.
The first thing I've been doing is getting active again. My pregnancy resulted in a huge amount of weight gain, more this time than the last. Because of this, I have felt unattractive, tired and just heavy. The more I move, the better I feel, and I repeat the mantra "I'm taking back my life" in order to push through the pain and physical fatigue. There are so many things that have inspired me to do this. One of them is my good friend, who just competed in a body building and fitness championship, and another is Jillian Michaels from the Biggest Loser and Losing it With Jillian. I have to admit, I'm a little obsessed with her. I am a fan on facebook and have signed up to her website. I do her Wii game three times a week and watch her show religiously. It feels good to be so inspired to get healthy again, and lose weight along the way. I love it! I looked in the mirror at the gym last night and didn't cringe, which is a first in about 2 or 3 years. I was trying to lose the weight I gained my first year teaching when I got pregnant, so obviously that was shot. I am feeling very exhilarated and very inspired to get myself to a healthy body weight where I'm not carrying around extra pounds, and can run around with my kids.
The next thing I have started doing is writing. If you know me, you know I read books like they're crack, and now I've begun to feel the same passion for writing again. I have always loved to write and getting back to it makes me feel like I'm regaining a little bit of myself. I've been working on a couple of projects. This blog, a book of poetry I'm self publishing on lulu.com and now a novel! I am in the fourth chapter, and I absolutely can't get it out of my mind. I am writing every spare second I have. I am finding myself lost in the story and absolutely falling in love with my characters. That's actually the reason I haven't written my blog all week long!
The next thing I need to reintroduce into my life is music. I used to sing - in choir since grade three, as part of the worship band at church, at weddings...I even tried out for Canadian Idol once. Now I have no venue to sing anymore, and I miss it terribly. My daughter said to me the other day, when I mentioned that I miss singing all the time, "You're not a singer Mom," and my heart broke just a little. I have no idea how to reclaim that part of myself, but rest assured, I will someday. I want nothing more than to hold a microphone with a band booming behind me and sing my little heart out. Someday...
So I'm finding my passions again, and it feels good. I am on my way back to a positive attitude and happy self. There are fewer days when I feel like I'm just going through the motions and not doing anything for myself. It is a process, and I'm not even close to finding balance yet, but I'm on my way. I hope you can too!
The first thing I've been doing is getting active again. My pregnancy resulted in a huge amount of weight gain, more this time than the last. Because of this, I have felt unattractive, tired and just heavy. The more I move, the better I feel, and I repeat the mantra "I'm taking back my life" in order to push through the pain and physical fatigue. There are so many things that have inspired me to do this. One of them is my good friend, who just competed in a body building and fitness championship, and another is Jillian Michaels from the Biggest Loser and Losing it With Jillian. I have to admit, I'm a little obsessed with her. I am a fan on facebook and have signed up to her website. I do her Wii game three times a week and watch her show religiously. It feels good to be so inspired to get healthy again, and lose weight along the way. I love it! I looked in the mirror at the gym last night and didn't cringe, which is a first in about 2 or 3 years. I was trying to lose the weight I gained my first year teaching when I got pregnant, so obviously that was shot. I am feeling very exhilarated and very inspired to get myself to a healthy body weight where I'm not carrying around extra pounds, and can run around with my kids.
The next thing I have started doing is writing. If you know me, you know I read books like they're crack, and now I've begun to feel the same passion for writing again. I have always loved to write and getting back to it makes me feel like I'm regaining a little bit of myself. I've been working on a couple of projects. This blog, a book of poetry I'm self publishing on lulu.com and now a novel! I am in the fourth chapter, and I absolutely can't get it out of my mind. I am writing every spare second I have. I am finding myself lost in the story and absolutely falling in love with my characters. That's actually the reason I haven't written my blog all week long!
The next thing I need to reintroduce into my life is music. I used to sing - in choir since grade three, as part of the worship band at church, at weddings...I even tried out for Canadian Idol once. Now I have no venue to sing anymore, and I miss it terribly. My daughter said to me the other day, when I mentioned that I miss singing all the time, "You're not a singer Mom," and my heart broke just a little. I have no idea how to reclaim that part of myself, but rest assured, I will someday. I want nothing more than to hold a microphone with a band booming behind me and sing my little heart out. Someday...
So I'm finding my passions again, and it feels good. I am on my way back to a positive attitude and happy self. There are fewer days when I feel like I'm just going through the motions and not doing anything for myself. It is a process, and I'm not even close to finding balance yet, but I'm on my way. I hope you can too!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Let's Get Real
Since my last post, I have been thinking a lot about things we keep to ourselves. I had coffee with a friend today, and I must say, I so appreciate how real she is. It's nice to have a conversation without pretense and pretending. I've come to a point in my life where I appreciate people who are real about how they feel, and how they are doing and managing, and where I want to do the same myself. I'm done with pretending that things are ok when they're not, and that I am someone I'm not. I don't feel like putting on a face for the world just to be acceptable. I wonder how many of you are in the same boat.
We all put on masks depending on the situation we find ourselves in. There are things that are deemed acceptable, and things that are unacceptable in society. Because of this, there is an unnecessary pressure on most people to perhaps be something they are not, or live up to a standard that is unattainable. I wish that we could just be ourselves, with all our shortcomings and be real about it. That's not to say we shouldn't strive to be better, or do more or learn more, but so many people are just tearing themselves apart inside with a big smile on their faces! I know I don't want to be in that spot. I've talked about 'faking it until you make it', and that has a place in everyone's lives, but this is an entirely different thing. I'm talking about being real about who you are, how you feel, and what you're doing about it.
As a mother of young children, I often feel pressure to be a 'super-mom'. There is a perception of motherhood out there that is entirely false. People think that if you choose to have kids, you must love every minute of it. How dare you ever say that you're struggling, or that you are tired, or that you sometimes just want them to go away! That would make you a bad mother, right? Wrong! I'm not ashamed to admit that, even though I chose to become a mother, I sometimes want to get away from my kids. Sometimes, I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't have kids. I am sometimes unhappy. There, I said it. Sometimes, I wish my life was different. Does that make me a bad mother? Does that mean I don't love my kids with every fiber of my being? Heck no! My kids are the greatest thing I have ever done, and will continue to be until the day I die. They are my greatest joy, my greatest love and my greatest triumph. That doesn't mean I can't want other things too.
I think it's high time we get real - with ourselves, with our families, with the world. There are things we should talk about that we don't because it is taboo...people just don't say things like, "I struggle with depression," or "My marriage isn't all I wanted it to be," or "I need someone to take my kids for a day because I need to be away from them." Instead of admitting that something makes us unhappy, very often (and I'm talking primarily to women here...but I'm sure men to it too) we suppress it and tell everyone we're fine. What I wonder is, if you don't admit it, how can you change it? Yes, I am unhappy sometimes. I wish my career was on track. I sometimes wish I had chosen a different career. I sometimes wish my life was different. There is nothing wrong with being unhappy with your current circumstances, whether you chose them or not. The thing is that if we open up a dialogue about it, it's more likely that we can get past the feelings and move on. We can change things!
This blog is about my search for balance. I believe that in order to get there, I need to get real with myself. I need to acknowledge the fact that my life isn't perfect. I need to discard the masks and costumes I put on and just be real. I've written about ways I get through the day, and I'm admitting now that some days are a real struggle. I don't have it all figured out. I don't do everything right. I don't do everything that moms are 'supposed' to do. Sometimes I am too tired. Sometimes I don't want to. That doesn't mean I love my kids any less. That doesn't mean I am neglecting or abusing them. That doesn't mean they are suffering. It means that I am a real person. It means that I have the balls to admit when I struggle. I think this is doing my kids a service in the long run, because it's setting an example for them that is attainable!
Why don't we stop being so hard on ourselves and keeping it all bottled up? Why don't we open up a dialogue about our feelings, failings, achievements and triumphs? Why don't we say, "I'm not doing so great today" and have that be ok? The more we admit it, the more acceptable it will be, and the easier it could be to overcome. I'm going to start now. Here's me being real.
We all put on masks depending on the situation we find ourselves in. There are things that are deemed acceptable, and things that are unacceptable in society. Because of this, there is an unnecessary pressure on most people to perhaps be something they are not, or live up to a standard that is unattainable. I wish that we could just be ourselves, with all our shortcomings and be real about it. That's not to say we shouldn't strive to be better, or do more or learn more, but so many people are just tearing themselves apart inside with a big smile on their faces! I know I don't want to be in that spot. I've talked about 'faking it until you make it', and that has a place in everyone's lives, but this is an entirely different thing. I'm talking about being real about who you are, how you feel, and what you're doing about it.
As a mother of young children, I often feel pressure to be a 'super-mom'. There is a perception of motherhood out there that is entirely false. People think that if you choose to have kids, you must love every minute of it. How dare you ever say that you're struggling, or that you are tired, or that you sometimes just want them to go away! That would make you a bad mother, right? Wrong! I'm not ashamed to admit that, even though I chose to become a mother, I sometimes want to get away from my kids. Sometimes, I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't have kids. I am sometimes unhappy. There, I said it. Sometimes, I wish my life was different. Does that make me a bad mother? Does that mean I don't love my kids with every fiber of my being? Heck no! My kids are the greatest thing I have ever done, and will continue to be until the day I die. They are my greatest joy, my greatest love and my greatest triumph. That doesn't mean I can't want other things too.
I think it's high time we get real - with ourselves, with our families, with the world. There are things we should talk about that we don't because it is taboo...people just don't say things like, "I struggle with depression," or "My marriage isn't all I wanted it to be," or "I need someone to take my kids for a day because I need to be away from them." Instead of admitting that something makes us unhappy, very often (and I'm talking primarily to women here...but I'm sure men to it too) we suppress it and tell everyone we're fine. What I wonder is, if you don't admit it, how can you change it? Yes, I am unhappy sometimes. I wish my career was on track. I sometimes wish I had chosen a different career. I sometimes wish my life was different. There is nothing wrong with being unhappy with your current circumstances, whether you chose them or not. The thing is that if we open up a dialogue about it, it's more likely that we can get past the feelings and move on. We can change things!
This blog is about my search for balance. I believe that in order to get there, I need to get real with myself. I need to acknowledge the fact that my life isn't perfect. I need to discard the masks and costumes I put on and just be real. I've written about ways I get through the day, and I'm admitting now that some days are a real struggle. I don't have it all figured out. I don't do everything right. I don't do everything that moms are 'supposed' to do. Sometimes I am too tired. Sometimes I don't want to. That doesn't mean I love my kids any less. That doesn't mean I am neglecting or abusing them. That doesn't mean they are suffering. It means that I am a real person. It means that I have the balls to admit when I struggle. I think this is doing my kids a service in the long run, because it's setting an example for them that is attainable!
Why don't we stop being so hard on ourselves and keeping it all bottled up? Why don't we open up a dialogue about our feelings, failings, achievements and triumphs? Why don't we say, "I'm not doing so great today" and have that be ok? The more we admit it, the more acceptable it will be, and the easier it could be to overcome. I'm going to start now. Here's me being real.
- Sometimes I want to go back to work.
- Sometimes I want my kids to hurry up and grow up so I can have a life again.
- I am overweight. I have also lost almost 30 pounds. I don't feel fantastic about my body yet but I feel better than I used to. I am actually in really good shape (compared to how I used to be), and am working toward a healthier me.
- I obsess over food. I stress about making sure I eat healthy things, and I fantasize about fettuccine alfredo and cheesecake. I take comfort in it when I am upset. I celebrate with it when I am happy. I need to change my perspective on food. I am trying.
- I cry almost every day. Sometimes they are happy tears, sometimes they aren't.
- I miss things I used to do but can't do now, like singing. I see people on stage at events and whatnot, and I am jealous.
- I am not a great housekeeper. I always make sure the main floor is clean and tidy when people are in my house, but on the weekends I don't bother. I don't let people go upstairs because it's usually messy. I hate housework.
- I don't like to cook.
- I love my husband more today than I ever have, and I'm so glad I married him.
- I think I have the best kids in the world. Seriously, I do.
- I am a good mother.
- I am a good wife.
- I am a good teacher.
- I am doing a good job at life even though I struggle.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Things I Think I Know
I've always been fairly smart. I wouldn't say I'm the most intellectual person you'll ever meet, or that I have the most common sense, or that I'm the most gifted or talented. I would say that I do have the ability to learn. School was never much of an effort for me, though I did always work hard because I was pushed to achieve high. When I got to university, I would say I excelled at my studies, but again, I worked hard. I was interested in what what I was doing, and I have an uncanny ability to sit through three hour lectures and absorb most of what is being said. University worked out very well for me. Because I never had those struggles, I always thought of myself as a smart person. I used to think I knew everything! I knew about life, God, kids, teaching, relationships, survival, strength...the list goes on. I'm pretty sure I was the smartest person I know.
Then I had to suffer some struggles and setbacks. Suffice to say, I know now that I definitely don't know everything. In fact, I can only scratch the surface of most of the things I do know something about. In life, I realized that yes, I have had many experiences I can learn from, and yes, I do know a lot about how to make it through tough situations. I also realized that the things I learned aren't the half of it. Once, I went to church. I was a part of all sorts of things in the church. I was pretty sure that I had all the right information on God and who he was and what he was. I was certain that I was destined to be in ministry for the rest of my life and that nothing could ever end it. Then I had to leave. Now, I have had to reevaluate everything I thought I knew in that place, and have come up with a lot of questions without answers. I have discarded much of what I practiced then.
Relationships haven't always been easy for me either, but in my early twenties, I was pretty sure I had it all figured out. I got married, had a bunch of great friends who were like family, and I was starting my own family. I was repairing relationships that had been damaged and I felt great! Then I lost my social group. One by one, each of my friends "broke up" with me. I realized that I had a lot to learn about my husband and how to make a marriage work, and I had a crash course in parenting (my first daughter was a surprise). I now have some really great old friends, who I've known since school, and about four or five friends I see occasionally. I have really changed my opinion on what friendship is. I have come a long long way in my marriage, and I realize that I had no idea what it took. The nature of my friendships have significantly changed - from being seriously co-dependent to being mutually beneficial. My relationship with my family members has grown and become more real. Everything I thought I knew about people and how to relate to them has been thrown out the window.
Then comes the topic of kids. I have always related well to kids. I used to make good money babysitting, I have a sister who is quite a bit younger than me, I was a camp counselor, and then I became a teacher. I thought I knew all about kids; how to raise them, how to teach them, how to love them. OH BOY, I didn't have a clue! As a parent, I have been blessed with good kids, and have the good fortune to agree on many child-rearing principles with my husband. But I see now that I used to be very idealistic. I used to think there was a hard and fast way to deal with misbehavior, and teaching your kids how to be people. I have found lots of things that work really well for me, and I think my daughter is a well behaved, lovely girl. That's not to say that I haven't floundered quite a bit! Parenting is a minute by minute struggle sometimes, and you have to do whatever works best for you. There is no manual! Who knew?
Teaching was much the same. In university, you learn a ton of great stuff. You learn theory, methodology, curriculum and all sorts of other goodies. In practicums, you learn a lot of things first hand. It's really super! I loved learning about teaching and about kids and how to deal with each type. I never had discipline problems in my practicums and I always left with kids crying and saying I was the best teacher they'd ever had, and blah, blah, blah...welcome to my bubble of idealism and lollipops. Then I got my first job. I had never in my life had a kid hate me just because he felt like it! I had never had to deal with the pressures all by myself, and my bubble popped. I sure learned a lot about the kind of teacher I don't want to be that year.
I used to think I knew it all (as I'm sure every young adult does). Now, I think I might know absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. I love that I can learn things every day, and that when I fall on my face, I can get back up and try something else. I know a few things that have gotten me this far, and I'm thankful for that. I look forward to learning more stuff, and realizing even more that I have no clue. I have to remind myself that every person does things differently, and there is no hard and fast way to live this life. I also have to remind others who like to tell me what I need to be doing, how I need to be parenting, how to be a good wife, that what works for you might not work for me. What works for me might not work for you! It's super to tell people what you are doing, but don't try to tell them it's the only way. There are as many ways to live our lives as there are people on this planet. Isn't that fantastic?
How's yours working for you? What do you need to learn? How do you need to change your perspective?
Then I had to suffer some struggles and setbacks. Suffice to say, I know now that I definitely don't know everything. In fact, I can only scratch the surface of most of the things I do know something about. In life, I realized that yes, I have had many experiences I can learn from, and yes, I do know a lot about how to make it through tough situations. I also realized that the things I learned aren't the half of it. Once, I went to church. I was a part of all sorts of things in the church. I was pretty sure that I had all the right information on God and who he was and what he was. I was certain that I was destined to be in ministry for the rest of my life and that nothing could ever end it. Then I had to leave. Now, I have had to reevaluate everything I thought I knew in that place, and have come up with a lot of questions without answers. I have discarded much of what I practiced then.
Relationships haven't always been easy for me either, but in my early twenties, I was pretty sure I had it all figured out. I got married, had a bunch of great friends who were like family, and I was starting my own family. I was repairing relationships that had been damaged and I felt great! Then I lost my social group. One by one, each of my friends "broke up" with me. I realized that I had a lot to learn about my husband and how to make a marriage work, and I had a crash course in parenting (my first daughter was a surprise). I now have some really great old friends, who I've known since school, and about four or five friends I see occasionally. I have really changed my opinion on what friendship is. I have come a long long way in my marriage, and I realize that I had no idea what it took. The nature of my friendships have significantly changed - from being seriously co-dependent to being mutually beneficial. My relationship with my family members has grown and become more real. Everything I thought I knew about people and how to relate to them has been thrown out the window.
Then comes the topic of kids. I have always related well to kids. I used to make good money babysitting, I have a sister who is quite a bit younger than me, I was a camp counselor, and then I became a teacher. I thought I knew all about kids; how to raise them, how to teach them, how to love them. OH BOY, I didn't have a clue! As a parent, I have been blessed with good kids, and have the good fortune to agree on many child-rearing principles with my husband. But I see now that I used to be very idealistic. I used to think there was a hard and fast way to deal with misbehavior, and teaching your kids how to be people. I have found lots of things that work really well for me, and I think my daughter is a well behaved, lovely girl. That's not to say that I haven't floundered quite a bit! Parenting is a minute by minute struggle sometimes, and you have to do whatever works best for you. There is no manual! Who knew?
Teaching was much the same. In university, you learn a ton of great stuff. You learn theory, methodology, curriculum and all sorts of other goodies. In practicums, you learn a lot of things first hand. It's really super! I loved learning about teaching and about kids and how to deal with each type. I never had discipline problems in my practicums and I always left with kids crying and saying I was the best teacher they'd ever had, and blah, blah, blah...welcome to my bubble of idealism and lollipops. Then I got my first job. I had never in my life had a kid hate me just because he felt like it! I had never had to deal with the pressures all by myself, and my bubble popped. I sure learned a lot about the kind of teacher I don't want to be that year.
I used to think I knew it all (as I'm sure every young adult does). Now, I think I might know absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. I love that I can learn things every day, and that when I fall on my face, I can get back up and try something else. I know a few things that have gotten me this far, and I'm thankful for that. I look forward to learning more stuff, and realizing even more that I have no clue. I have to remind myself that every person does things differently, and there is no hard and fast way to live this life. I also have to remind others who like to tell me what I need to be doing, how I need to be parenting, how to be a good wife, that what works for you might not work for me. What works for me might not work for you! It's super to tell people what you are doing, but don't try to tell them it's the only way. There are as many ways to live our lives as there are people on this planet. Isn't that fantastic?
How's yours working for you? What do you need to learn? How do you need to change your perspective?
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