Let's Get Real

Since my last post, I have been thinking a lot about things we keep to ourselves. I had coffee with a friend today, and I must say, I so appreciate how real she is. It's nice to have a conversation without pretense and pretending. I've come to a point in my life where I appreciate people who are real about how they feel, and how they are doing and managing, and where I want to do the same myself. I'm done with pretending that things are ok when they're not, and that I am someone I'm not. I don't feel like putting on a face for the world just to be acceptable. I wonder how many of you are in the same boat.

We all put on masks depending on the situation we find ourselves in. There are things that are deemed acceptable, and things that are unacceptable in society. Because of this, there is an unnecessary pressure on most people to perhaps be something they are not, or live up to a standard that is unattainable. I wish that we could just be ourselves, with all our shortcomings and be real about it. That's not to say we shouldn't strive to be better, or do more or learn more, but so many people are just tearing themselves apart inside with a big smile on their faces! I know I don't want to be in that spot. I've talked about 'faking it until you make it', and that has a place in everyone's lives, but this is an entirely different thing. I'm talking about being real about who you are, how you feel, and what you're doing about it.

As a mother of young children, I often feel pressure to be a 'super-mom'. There is a perception of motherhood out there that is entirely false. People think that if you choose to have kids, you must love every minute of it. How dare you ever say that you're struggling, or that you are tired, or that you sometimes just want them to go away! That would make you a bad mother, right? Wrong! I'm not ashamed to admit that, even though I chose to become a mother, I sometimes want to get away from my kids. Sometimes, I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't have kids. I am sometimes unhappy. There, I said it. Sometimes, I wish my life was different. Does that make me a bad mother? Does that mean I don't love my kids with every fiber of my being? Heck no! My kids are the greatest thing I have ever done, and will continue to be until the day I die. They are my greatest joy, my greatest love and my greatest triumph. That doesn't mean I can't want other things too.

I think it's high time we get real - with ourselves, with our families, with the world. There are things we should talk about that we don't because it is taboo...people just don't say things like, "I struggle with depression," or "My marriage isn't all I wanted it to be," or "I need someone to take my kids for a day because I need to be away from them." Instead of admitting that something makes us unhappy, very often (and I'm talking primarily to women here...but I'm sure men to it too) we suppress it and tell everyone we're fine. What I wonder is, if you don't admit it, how can you change it? Yes, I am unhappy sometimes. I wish my career was on track. I sometimes wish I had chosen a different career. I sometimes wish my life was different. There is nothing wrong with being unhappy with your current circumstances, whether you chose them or not. The thing is that if we open up a dialogue about it, it's more likely that we can get past the feelings and move on. We can change things!

This blog is about my search for balance. I believe that in order to get there, I need to get real with myself. I need to acknowledge the fact that my life isn't perfect. I need to discard the masks and costumes I put on and just be real. I've written about ways I get through the day, and I'm admitting now that some days are a real struggle. I don't have it all figured out. I don't do everything right. I don't do everything that moms are 'supposed' to do. Sometimes I am too tired. Sometimes I don't want to. That doesn't mean I love my kids any less. That doesn't mean I am neglecting or abusing them. That doesn't mean they are suffering. It means that I am a real person. It means that I have the balls to admit when I struggle. I think this is doing my kids a service in the long run, because it's setting an example for them that is attainable!

Why don't we stop being so hard on ourselves and keeping it all bottled up? Why don't we open up a dialogue about our feelings, failings, achievements and triumphs? Why don't we say, "I'm not doing so great today" and have that be ok? The more we admit it, the more acceptable it will be, and the easier it could be to overcome. I'm going to start now. Here's me being real.

• Sometimes I want to go back to work.
• Sometimes I want my kids to hurry up and grow up so I can have a life again.
• I am overweight. I have also lost almost 30 pounds. I don't feel fantastic about my body yet but I feel better than I used to. I am actually in really good shape (compared to how I used to be), and am working toward a healthier me.
• I obsess over food. I stress about making sure I eat healthy things, and I fantasize about fettuccine alfredo and cheesecake. I take comfort in it when I am upset. I celebrate with it when I am happy. I need to change my perspective on food. I am trying.
• I cry almost every day. Sometimes they are happy tears, sometimes they aren't.
• I miss things I used to do but can't do now, like singing. I see people on stage at events and whatnot, and I am jealous.
• I am not a great housekeeper. I always make sure the main floor is clean and tidy when people are in my house, but on the weekends I don't bother. I don't let people go upstairs because it's usually messy. I hate housework.
• I don't like to cook.
• I love my husband more today than I ever have, and I'm so glad I married him.
  
• I think I have the best kids in the world. Seriously, I do.
  
• I am a good mother.
• I am a good wife.
• I am a good teacher.
• I am doing a good job at life even though I struggle.

I hope I have inspired you to be real. Let's talk about the things in our lives we have a hard time with, and not criticize or judge because let's face it, we have all been there. Let's stop pretending!

A Sigh of Relief

I got a call from my doctor today that confirmed what I already knew. Still, I feel relieved. In a previous blog, I mentioned that I had to take my baby for a bunch of tests because she's not gaining a lot of weight. She had a blood test, stool samples, and a sweat test. The blood test was for iron levels and checking for celiac disease, the stool sample was checking for any infections or viruses, and the sweat test was checking for cystic fibrosis. All these things can cause malabsorption of food. I found out today that my girl has none of these things, except that she's a little low on iron absorption, but still has lots of iron stores from being breastfed. It turns out that she's just petite! I had a hunch, but I still wanted to know for sure. I'm glad I have a doctor who is cautious, if not overly so. I think I'd rather have a doctor who tests for all possibilities, even if it's nothing, than one who sits back and waits. It does cause a little stress though when there is even a slight possibility of something being wrong with your child.

I'm sure all moms can relate to this. Our children are the most precious things we are blessed to have. They are absolutely a gift from God. We have to do our best to give them the best lives possible, no matter what it costs us. That includes sacrifices we have to make, but it also includes taking care of ourselves adequately enough that we are still able to sustain our own identities apart from them. I feel very strongly about this! Even though I am a stay at home mom right now, I don't think it's right for me to invest every part of myself in my kids only. It's my opinion that in order to be the best mother I can be, I need to do things for myself. I need to have a balance in my life and not obsess over my girls. I don't want to be one of those women who is only "mother" and nothing else, and then have a mental breakdown when my kids grow up. I think it's so important to maintain a sense of self, and in doing this, I can give my kids the best of myself.

Don't get me wrong. At this point, my life pretty much is my kids because they are so young. It's pretty hard to do your own thing with an infant and a 5 year old. They need you almost all the time. That's ok! That's the stage of life that I'm in right now, and I relish it. I do, however, savor those moments throughout the day that are mine. Like right now for example. The baby is napping and my daughter and the girls I am babysitting are playing outside, so I am watching Oprah and writing in my blog. Later, after the girls go to bed, I will either go to the gym or go for a rollerblade, depending on how hot it still is out. Then I'll spend some QT with my husband, watch some tv and go to bed. I love spending time with the girls, but I also love those moments to myself.

I am still searching for balance though. Now that I know for sure that my little one is healthy, I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can toss that worry away. One thing down....a gazillion to go! I still need to find time in my life to balance my physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual selves. I am still way out of whack...but I recognize it, and that's the first step to achieving balance.