Things I Think I Know

I've always been fairly smart. I wouldn't say I'm the most intellectual person you'll ever meet, or that I have the most common sense, or that I'm the most gifted or talented. I would say that I do have the ability to learn. School was never much of an effort for me, though I did always work hard because I was pushed to achieve high. When I got to university, I would say I excelled at my studies, but again, I worked hard. I was interested in what what I was doing, and I have an uncanny ability to sit through three hour lectures and absorb most of what is being said. University worked out very well for me. Because I never had those struggles, I always thought of myself as a smart person. I used to think I knew everything! I knew about life, God, kids, teaching, relationships, survival, strength...the list goes on. I'm pretty sure I was the smartest person I know.

Then I had to suffer some struggles and setbacks. Suffice to say, I know now that I definitely don't know everything. In fact, I can only scratch the surface of most of the things I do know something about. In life, I realized that yes, I have had many experiences I can learn from, and yes, I do know a lot about how to make it through tough situations. I also realized that the things I learned aren't the half of it. Once, I went to church. I was a part of all sorts of things in the church. I was pretty sure that I had all the right information on God and who he was and what he was. I was certain that I was destined to be in ministry for the rest of my life and that nothing could ever end it. Then I had to leave. Now, I have had to reevaluate everything I thought I knew in that place, and have come up with a lot of questions without answers. I have discarded much of what I practiced then.

Relationships haven't always been easy for me either, but in my early twenties, I was pretty sure I had it all figured out. I got married, had a bunch of great friends who were like family, and I was starting my own family. I was repairing relationships that had been damaged and I felt great! Then I lost my social group. One by one, each of my friends "broke up" with me. I realized that I had a lot to learn about my husband and how to make a marriage work, and I had a crash course in parenting (my first daughter was a surprise). I now have some really great old friends, who I've known since school, and about four or five friends I see occasionally. I have really changed my opinion on what friendship is. I have come a long long way in my marriage, and I realize that I had no idea what it took. The nature of my friendships have significantly changed - from being seriously co-dependent to being mutually beneficial. My relationship with my family members has grown and become more real. Everything I thought I knew about people and how to relate to them has been thrown out the window.

Then comes the topic of kids. I have always related well to kids. I used to make good money babysitting, I have a sister who is quite a bit younger than me, I was a camp counselor, and then I became a teacher. I thought I knew all about kids; how to raise them, how to teach them, how to love them. OH BOY, I didn't have a clue! As a parent, I have been blessed with good kids, and have the good fortune to agree on many child-rearing principles with my husband. But I see now that I used to be very idealistic. I used to think there was a hard and fast way to deal with misbehavior, and teaching your kids how to be people. I have found lots of things that work really well for me, and I think my daughter is a well behaved, lovely girl. That's not to say that I haven't floundered quite a bit! Parenting is a minute by minute struggle sometimes, and you have to do whatever works best for you. There is no manual! Who knew?

Teaching was much the same. In university, you learn a ton of great stuff. You learn theory, methodology, curriculum and all sorts of other goodies. In practicums, you learn a lot of things first hand. It's really super! I loved learning about teaching and about kids and how to deal with each type. I never had discipline problems in my practicums and I always left with kids crying and saying I was the best teacher they'd ever had, and blah, blah, blah...welcome to my bubble of idealism and lollipops. Then I got my first job. I had never in my life had a kid hate me just because he felt like it! I had never had to deal with the pressures all by myself, and my bubble popped. I sure learned a lot about the kind of teacher I don't want to be that year.

I used to think I knew it all (as I'm sure every young adult does). Now, I think I might know absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. I love that I can learn things every day, and that when I fall on my face, I can get back up and try something else. I know a few things that have gotten me this far, and I'm thankful for that. I look forward to learning more stuff, and realizing even more that I have no clue. I have to remind myself that every person does things differently, and there is no hard and fast way to live this life. I also have to remind others who like to tell me what I need to be doing, how I need to be parenting, how to be a good wife, that what works for you might not work for me. What works for me might not work for you! It's super to tell people what you are doing, but don't try to tell them it's the only way. There are as many ways to live our lives as there are people on this planet. Isn't that fantastic?

How's yours working for you? What do you need to learn? How do you need to change your perspective?

A Sigh of Relief

I got a call from my doctor today that confirmed what I already knew. Still, I feel relieved. In a previous blog, I mentioned that I had to take my baby for a bunch of tests because she's not gaining a lot of weight. She had a blood test, stool samples, and a sweat test. The blood test was for iron levels and checking for celiac disease, the stool sample was checking for any infections or viruses, and the sweat test was checking for cystic fibrosis. All these things can cause malabsorption of food. I found out today that my girl has none of these things, except that she's a little low on iron absorption, but still has lots of iron stores from being breastfed. It turns out that she's just petite! I had a hunch, but I still wanted to know for sure. I'm glad I have a doctor who is cautious, if not overly so. I think I'd rather have a doctor who tests for all possibilities, even if it's nothing, than one who sits back and waits. It does cause a little stress though when there is even a slight possibility of something being wrong with your child.

I'm sure all moms can relate to this. Our children are the most precious things we are blessed to have. They are absolutely a gift from God. We have to do our best to give them the best lives possible, no matter what it costs us. That includes sacrifices we have to make, but it also includes taking care of ourselves adequately enough that we are still able to sustain our own identities apart from them. I feel very strongly about this! Even though I am a stay at home mom right now, I don't think it's right for me to invest every part of myself in my kids only. It's my opinion that in order to be the best mother I can be, I need to do things for myself. I need to have a balance in my life and not obsess over my girls. I don't want to be one of those women who is only "mother" and nothing else, and then have a mental breakdown when my kids grow up. I think it's so important to maintain a sense of self, and in doing this, I can give my kids the best of myself.

Don't get me wrong. At this point, my life pretty much is my kids because they are so young. It's pretty hard to do your own thing with an infant and a 5 year old. They need you almost all the time. That's ok! That's the stage of life that I'm in right now, and I relish it. I do, however, savor those moments throughout the day that are mine. Like right now for example. The baby is napping and my daughter and the girls I am babysitting are playing outside, so I am watching Oprah and writing in my blog. Later, after the girls go to bed, I will either go to the gym or go for a rollerblade, depending on how hot it still is out. Then I'll spend some QT with my husband, watch some tv and go to bed. I love spending time with the girls, but I also love those moments to myself.

I am still searching for balance though. Now that I know for sure that my little one is healthy, I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can toss that worry away. One thing down....a gazillion to go! I still need to find time in my life to balance my physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual selves. I am still way out of whack...but I recognize it, and that's the first step to achieving balance.