I've been suffering this week. It's a crisis beyond anything I have ever dealt with. I must admit that I was more traumatized than I thought I would be imagining this moment in my life, because I didn't expect it so soon. What I'm talking about is the fact that I found gray hair on my head this week - too many to deny it any more. You see, I have found one, solitary gray hair before. So, no problem, I just pulled it out and pretended it didn't happen. This time, there were more. And I'm certain that this is only the beginning of my demise. I am aging.
Aging hasn't ever really been a problem for me until this year. When I was 28, I was still far enough away from my thirties that it didn't bother me. Now that I'm 29, 30 is dangerously close. It makes me think of my own mortality a little more. One reason for this is that my mother died when she was only 38. That age is less than ten years away for me now, and it brings into perspective the fact that I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, and sometimes that scares me. I wouldn't say that I worry about it, but it is most definitely a presence in my mind.
Another reason for my anxiety is that my body is now telling me that it has begun its decline. I have been working really hard for the past five years to be as healthy as I can, eating well and exercising regularly, and I want to enjoy the use of my body for many years to come. The problem is that I wasn't an active person before five years ago, and sometimes I wonder how much my body is going to be able to take in the future. That's why it's so urgent for me to be at a healthy weight with habits that aren't destructive. I now feel more urgency to get things in order so to speak, because you never know when those unhealthy habits are going to catch up with you. All the more reason to continue to work hard to control my eating and increase the intensity of my workouts. I want to be able to keep up with my kids when they are teenagers, because of course they will be very active, like I was not.
So, this whole gray hair thing is not just a reminder that my body is aging. It insults my vanity! I have really nice hair, in my own humble opinion. I shudder at the fact that it may not look like this for very much longer, and I contemplate starting to dye it just so I can deny its untimely change. I think in ten years I won't mind so much, but I kind of do now...well, who am I kidding? I really mind.
Aside from the fact that I am depressed about getting gray hair before I anticipated it, I have been really thinking this week about making sure each minute of my life counts for something. I don't mean that I have to run around like crazy trying to make an impact on every person I see. I mean that I want to do things that matter - like spending more quality time with my kids, or encouraging someone who is down, or smiling at a random stranger. How much time do we really have in this life? Is worth it to work ourselves to the bone and not take time to appreciate the finer things? I tend not to think so. That's why you'll often find dishes from yesterday sitting in my sink. I'd rather play with my baby, or cuddle with my husband after work, or write my novel. Dishes will still be there (but seriously, don't let them pile up until you have none left to use...that's just annoying). My goal is to do at least one thing every day that matters to me, and to work on those relationships in my life that are important. When it all comes down to it, what else are we here for really, if not to have relationships? We're certainly not here to become millionaires, or acquire things. We have been given life because we are meant to live it. I suppose a few gray hairs don't really matter in the grand scheme of things...but they make me think nonetheless.
PS - I hope you like my Anti-Aging Hair Rescue plug...something I might actually try! Well, maybe not, but that's my attempt to be a little humorous.
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