Burdens

I have a tendency to make everything a job.  It's how I function.  If I can look at something as a job, as a task that must get done, then it will actually get done.  I had a talk with my husband last night which made me realize that I am also doing this in my home life.  I have (without really realizing it) made taking care of my kids, being a wife, keeping my home - all of it a job.  To others looking in, they may think that I view my kids as a burden, because it's all business.  Brush your teeth, comb your hair, eat your supper, have a bath; all on an airtight schedule.

Truth is, sometimes I do feel this way.  It was never a conscious decision.  It just happened.  In a life where if I don't do things, they don't get done, I have made even caring for my family a job, a burden.  That makes me feel really awful.  My kids are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, and I absolutely adore them.  They are difficult, exhausting and demanding, but they also give me a level of fulfillment I haven't ever felt elsewhere.  It's easy to lose sight of that fact.  If you've been reading, you know that for the past year, I have been doing most of the kid and house related stuff by myself, because my husband has been working full time and going to school, leaving me to fend for myself on the homefront.  I am so used to it, that now that he's done school and home evenings, I feel off-put when he helps out.

Talk about ridiculous!  Have you ever felt this way?  I have made this space, these responsibilities, my job.  It is my territory, my domain, and when he comes in and does the dishes or gives my little one a bath, I am actually annoyed.  Ummmm, backwards?  Yes, definitely backwards.  But, on the other hand, I have been wishing for the past year that I didn't have to do it all alone.  So what's going on in my brain?

Here it is - I have made running my home a source of validation.  When I can go to bed at night having accomplished all my daily tasks, I feel good.  I feel like I did my job, and no one can tell me it's impossible.  When someone takes a task away from me, it's like they are taking away some of my value in my home domain.  Now that I have been able to take a step back and realize that this is happening, I hope I can step out of it.  I don't want to be the one who absolutely has to do everything.  I don't want to be in control of every little thing (well, actually I do, but that's another issue completely), because that causes me a great deal of anxiety.

So, I realize now that I just have to stop and enjoy those moments with my kids that are special, even if it's against my schedule.  I don't have to always follow a schedule!  What's the worst that can happen?  I have to do something later?  Okay, Dara, get over it.  While raising kids and running a home is an immense job, it doesn't have to feel like it all the time.  Kids are amazing, and sometimes I forget that.

Thanks so much to those special people in my life right now who helped me realize this.  I am so blessed to have people around who care about me enough to tell me the truth.