My Addiction

I have a secret.  I am addicted to a powerful drug.  I wake up every morning thinking about it.  I suffer withdrawal symptoms if I don't have it.  It makes me happy, less irritable, helps me get through my day, and is an integral part of my family's life.  Even my children know that if mommy doesn't get her fix in the morning, don't bug her.  The drug I'm talking about isn't some scary illegal street drug.  It's not a mind altering substance that makes me unable to function in daily life.  It's something found in many things we consume all the time.  The drug I am completely addicted to is caffeine. 

I'm not exaggerating when I say I am addicted to caffeine.  I am totally dependent on it.  Making that wonderful pot of coffee in the morning is one of the first things I do, and honestly, I can't get going without it.  After a night's sleep, I usually wake with a headache because my body wants caffeine.  That headache doesn't subside until I've had a cup of coffee.  I also find that I am irritable, tired, and lethargic if I don't have it.  And I can't substitute other forms of caffeine for my coffee.  It absolutely has to be coffee, which leads me to believe that not only is it a physical addiction, but it is also a psychological one.  Tea, cola, or anything else that has caffeine in it never quite cuts it for me.  Yesterday is a prime example.

I ran out of coffee yesterday.  I had just enough to make one weak cup, and let me tell you, it wasn't enough to get me through the day!  I had to work very hard to keep my irritability in check, I was practically falling asleep every time I sat down, and I just wanted more all day long.  When I know I am not going to get my coffee, I literally panic.  That's how I felt yesterday!  Panicked!  It's sad really.

But here's the thing.  Although I fully understand that having this addiction doesn't benefit my life in any way, shape or form, I am reluctant to do anything to break it.  I have done it before.  When I was pregnant with my first child, coffee made me want to vomit, so I was able to give it up.  My body adjusted to not having it every day, and I must say, it was strange.  After my daughter was born, I quickly slipped back into the habit, and I haven't been able to break it since (not that I have tried).  I keep thinking I should do something about it, but in reality, I know that I won't.  I just love it too much.

It's amazing to me that such a small, seemingly unimportant thing dictates so much in my life.  I am utterly dependent on it, and since I am a coffee snob, I spend way too much money feeding my habit.  While many people spend six or seven bucks on a can of Folgers every couple of weeks, I absolutely have to buy Starbucks, Kicking Horse, or Salt Spring coffee, which are between fifteen and twenty dollars a pound.  And I go through just over a pound a week in my house.  Talk about an expensive habit (but an oh, so delicious one)!  I will go to a completely different store than the one I do my grocery shopping in because they carry the brand of coffee I want.  And it can't be pre-ground either.  It has to be whole bean, and it has to be fresh.  I need it to still have the lovely, aromatic oils on the beans when I open the package.  Ohhhhh, just thinking about the smell makes my knees a little weak.  I'm telling you, if Starbucks paid enough, I would work there for the rest of my life (I spent four years working there during and just after university).

But I digress.  I could go on and on about what makes a good cup of coffee, but that wasn't what I wanted to write about.  I wanted to talk about my addiction to caffeine.  I know I am not the only one in this boat.  There are many millions of people who share my dependency!  And though I have no desire to give it up, I suppose it's something I should at least think about.  There are many things we can be dependent on, and it doesn't have to be addictive substances.  There are several things we unknowingly put in the driver's seat in our lives, and the more we depend on them, the harder it is to stand on our own two feet.  I fully admit that I cannot physically get through my day without two or three cups of coffee, but the dependency could be anything, even other people.  My awareness of my addiction doesn't make it go away, but at least I know it's there and if wanted to, I could take steps toward kicking it.  But what if we are in a co-dependent relationship?  What if we choose to get our self-worth from the value placed on us by others?  What if we are dependent on something that is harmful to us or those around us?  Those are things that need evaluating, and possibly even some changing.

Is there something else controlling your life right now, or are you in the driver's seat?