Being Open

I've dug myself into a sort of hole in the last while.  In the last year, I have retreated inside myself, and held everyone around me at arm's length.  I have had very few occasions where I felt like I could relax and just be myself.  If you've read my posts all year, you know that it's been a trying time.  Now, I have been trying to take a step back and examine my behavior to figure out what I need to do to change that.  And, things have been changing for me in a significant way.

It wasn't a conscious choice, to open up to other people.  This isn't something I do easily.  My husband is the closest relationship I have, and I will sometimes even hold back from him (though he doesn't really let me, so that's a quality I appreciate in him).  I have some very wonderful friends, but I hold back pieces of myself from them too.  My family, who've known me since I was born; I hold back from them too.  I tend to keep a part of myself reserved - always have.  For one reason or another, I always have the thought in the back of my mind: "Why on earth would this person care to know about me?" or "What reason could they possibly have to want to be around me?"  Perhaps it is the self-loathing that permeated my teenage life coming back to haunt me, perhaps it is just that I was told so many times I wasn't good enough that I started to believe it.  Not that I still do, but parts of your past tend to tug at you once in a while.  But lately, though self doubt clouds it, I have been able to actually open up with people.  I have been able to share myself without the reservation.  It might be because for once in my life, I am comfortable with someone other than my husband.  Or maybe it's because I am at a point in my journey where I am actually comfortable with myself.  I can't really explain it; I just know that it is a good thing.

There is always a risk in opening up to another person.  There is risk of getting hurt, risk of being embarrassed, risk of vulnerability.  These are risks I don't tend to take.  I can be a very social person in the right setting, but this is because I have worked really hard to overcome my shyness and awkwardness.  I  am not naturally outgoing.  In truth, people scare me.  I don't like getting hurt, but at the same time, I can't and don't live my life alone.  I greatly value my solitude, but I don't want a life of it.  In the past few weeks, I have been remembering exactly what it is like to be really open, regardless of the risk.  And if I'm being honest, it scares the crap out of me.

Being open with others is so important.  What I need to remember is that I do have something to give; that I have qualities people like, and that there are people out there who actually want to know me.  It's been a completely new experience for me, not holding back at least a little, and though it scares me, I think I like it.  It's a very freeing feeling, and something I've not actually had in a very long time.  I don't think we are meant to live alone, barricading our hearts from the world.  Though people hurt each other, it's so valuable to let others in, and take the chance that maybe they could have a positive impact on you.  Relationships are about the most important thing in life.  Honestly, why are we here if not to have relationships?  I definitely believe we are not here to just work, make money and get good jobs.

Does anyone else do this?  Do you hold parts of yourself back from others because you fear the inevitable hurt that comes along with vulnerability? Though there is always risk when you open up to others, the payoff is so worth it.  To feel free, to be able to truly be yourself, to be able to let others see the real you - that's the prize.  Because you have something people want to see.  So share.