Have you ever taken a look at your life and realized that you just want more? I've been doing this for as long as I've been writing this blog, and indeed for my whole life. I can't remember a time when I didn't want something more, something further, something bigger. I am always striving for bigger and better things, and quite frankly, I am exhausted, frustrated and I don't have time. It's hard when you can't have what you want when you want it. Waiting, as you know, is not my strength.
Yesterday I started looking into Master's programs at various universities around me. The first thing I thought of was Athabasca University, because it is all online and suits my lifestyle. If I could do an online program, I could still work and could possibly even start sooner than I had anticipated. I have at least 3 years before my two year old starts school, and so I had resigned myself to the fact that I'd have to wait at least that long. But I started to get my hopes up thinking that if I could do something online, I could just take one course at a time until I have more free time.
My hopes were crushed when I discovered Athabasca doesn't have what I'm looking for. They have integrated degrees, where you get a more well rounded approach and have to take courses outside your field of study. This is something I definitely don't want. I want my M.A. in English, and I don't want to take anything else. I have already done that! I attended at liberal arts university for my B.A. and I took plenty of courses that had nothing to do with English, thank you very much. I am not going back to school just to get a piece of paper. I am going back because I have a serious love affair with the written word and I just need more of it in my life. I want to be immersed in it, spend hours in old libraries smelling the worn pages of old books and just write. So, it looks like this dream is still on hold. I am in no position to do an on campus program right now, and besides, I just don't have the time just yet. It's frustrating!
I just want! This dream of going back to school has been growing in my gut for a while now, but with each passing day it is becoming more and more tangible. I know that three years will go by quickly, but honestly, I am just so impatient! I have a long road ahead of me. I don't just want a Master's degree; I want a Doctorate as well, and I know that one is way out of my reach, especially from where I am now. I look at my life, what I am doing, and what I want and it all seems so incongruent. I am immersed in early childhood education, babies, babies, babies and being a homemaker. I've written before about how I really didn't see myself in this position, and how it has been difficult coming to terms with where I am as opposed to where I want to be. I still feel this way, but I also understand that this is the time I am in, and that is okay. But I still want more, and I always will.
Aside from all this dreaming of going back to school, I have been doing A LOT of writing, which makes my heart so happy. I have been working on two separate writing/editing projects, and I have been inspired lately to write more poetry, which in the world of literature is my first love. Here's a link to my other blog where I am exploring some of that work: http://darasotherside.blogspot.com/
The important thing I need to keep in mind when I am going crazy with all this wanting is that I will have it when the time comes. For now, I realize that I need to be in the present, watching my kids grow and mature and caring for them the best way I know how. Building dreams keeps me motivated and sane, and helps me remember that I am still my own person in the midst of all these little people and household chores. So, what's your dream? Are you pursuing it today? Or are you like me, waiting, and watching the clock?
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