Identity

I was thinking this morning, as I prepared breakfast for my kids, changed diapers, and swept up the mess of cheerios on the floor, that a woman's identity can become rather complex.  I thought to myself, broom in hand, that this is not how I view myself - caregiver of young children, stay at home mom, changer of stinky diapers.  Though these are roles I fill all day long, almost every day of my life, how I see my actual self is very, very different.

From the outside looking in, if you were to just take a peek at my life, this is how you would view me:  a mom.  On any given day, when I am working and don't have to leave the house, I have my hair pulled back in a messy bun (usually without the effort of brushing it), no makeup, and clothes with all manner of kid stains on them.  You see me holding one of the babies in my care, or you see me trying to cook a meal with them at my ankles, demanding attention.  You see me clean, and expend all my energy caring for others.  You would identify me as a mother and caregiver...if you were to just take a glimpse.  That is what the vast majority of people in my life see, I think (unless you read my blog, of course). 

This role I fill is not what I believe I actually am.  Yes, I am a mother.  Yes, I am a caregiver.  But that isn't all of me.  As a matter of fact, that is just a small piece of my overall identity.  This morning the thought came to mind - this part of me takes up the vast majority of my life, but this is not all!  I am an artist.  I am a writer.  I am a scholar (correction, I want to be a scholar again).  Just because I have obligations, and children, and a job doesn't mean I have to give up those parts of myself that I really identify with.  My children are getting older.  My focus is in the direction I want my life to take.  Where your focus is, you will go (makes sense that you go in the direction you are looking, yes?).  The roles we fall into in life don't have to define us.  We choose our own identities, by where we put our focus and aspirations.  We define ourselves, if we are strong enough to do so.

I decided a long time ago that I wasn't going to let others define me.  I chose to stop being a victim of my circumstances.  I chose to live in forgiveness and pursue things I identified with.  Now, I find myself in a similar situation to the one I was in so many years ago, becoming an adult and breaking free of my childhood ties.  To anyone looking in, they see me wiping noses, washing dishes, and sweeping cheerios off the floor.  But, that's just the surface.  That's just the part of me that is living in and dealing with circumstance.  The other parts, so numerous, are there too, just below the surface, and it's by purposeful choice that they don't get buried under life.  Having children is a beautiful, wonderful experience, and I see so many moms get lost in that existence.  When their children grow up, they are left wondering what to do, and who they are.  I'm not going to be that mom (or at least, I'm really trying!).  My kids will benefit so much from me being more than just their mom.  They will have an example of ambition, desire, drive, and character.  They will have, hopefully, proof that if you want to be something, you will be.  They will know that others can't put any label on them.  Only we define ourselves.  Only we define our identities.

I will be honest and say that sometimes, I get confused about who I am.  Still.  But, at the core, I know and I feel it.  Yes, I am a mother.  And I think a pretty good one.  But, I am also an artist, a writer, a scholar, a teacher...and so many other things.  People aren't one dimensional.  I am not one dimensional.  I choose my identity.