In This Season...

Do you ever have periods in your life that you wish would just pass?  Where you feel it squeezing at you while you just push, push, push the other way to make something happen?  I am in a period right now that I just want to be over.  On the other hand, there aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done.  I am trying to help provide for my family, and to be perfectly honest with you, I am not doing so well.  The weight of money is depressing...no, not just depressing, it's crushing.  I hate it.

But here's the thing - in our economy right now, the situation I find my family in is a dime a dozen.  So what am I griping about?  Will I end up homeless?  Not likely.  Will I starve?  No.  Will I lose my vehicle?  Maybe.  But I have done without before, I could do it again if I had to.  My kids aren't going to remember that time when we were broke.  They will remember that time when mommy could stay at home with them and run a day home instead of being an overworked, overtired, overstressed teacher.  We have made some huge sacrifices to allow me to stay at home though, and even to have a second child, and quite frankly, I am looking forward to a day when I don't have to worry about how I'm going to pay bills each month.

This is a season of pushing, pressing, stressing, changing, working hard and laying the foundation for the rest of my life.  This is a season that is back-breaking, tear inducing and hate-every-minute-of-it kind of stress.  But I know we will come out the other end.  We have to.  I have two children who depend on me to keep it together and do what is necessary to make their lives happy, healthy and safe.  So, I push.  Sometimes I'm putting on a brave face for the world, and inside my heart is sick with stress, but at least I am the only one who knows it (until right now).  The reality is that life is hard.  We work ourselves to the bone just to live, and I can't help but think that this is a little backwards.  Shouldn't we be living first?  Shouldn't we live through our work, not work through our lives?  But I digress.

I look forward to the time when I don't have this particular stress trying to crush me.  And honestly, I believe that day is coming.  I really do.  We need something to look forward to, something to put our faith in so that we can keep on going. 

And so, I trust that all of this is going to have its payoff.  I just hope it doesn't take forever.  My hair is too gray already.