I Used to Dream

I used to dream. I used to have a vivid picture of what my life would become when I became an adult. I thought I could do as I pleased, live as I pleased and work as I pleased. Little did I know, my life would cease to exist once I had kids. With kids, I have discovered that my life no longer belongs to me. My body, my time, my creativity, my energy - none of these things belong to me anymore. Every bit of my existence seems to be focused on my kids, which is a life that many, many women lead. What I endeavor to do is to discover some sort of balance in my life where some pieces of myself still belong to me and I can find a little bit of reprieve from a hectic, sleep deprived life.

Ever since I can remember, I wanted to have kids. I always loved kids. When I was in high school, I remember stating boldly to my friends that I wanted to have 12 kids. Not one, not two, but 12! This is the beginning of my demise. Because I loved kids so much, the natural career choice seemed to me to become a teacher. That way I could always be around kids no matter what. I could be with kids all day long, and then come home to a bunch of kids too. Kids, kids, kids.

So, I set out on an adventure to become a teacher. When I was in university, I had a starry eyed version of what being a teacher would be like...and suffice to say it did not turn out that way. I had no idea that it would be such an all encompassing job...no scratch that, all encompassing LIFE! But that is for another post.

Now I am a stay at home mom with a five year old and and eight month old and I run a day home out of my house so I can help make ends meet. I started my day home when my baby was a month old, so at times I feel like I have been going and going and going, well, forever. I don't regret the decision to be at home with my kids and put my career on hiatus, but I do, however, mourn a life I never got to have. I mourn those dreams that died long ago, and I mourn the body I used to have, and I mourn the fact that I have to struggle for my own identity apart from my children and their lives.

In this blog, I hope to discuss my life as it exists now; my joys and triumphs, and my struggles to reach some sort of balance. I hope my readers will join me in my quest and become a part of the conversation of the life of the woman. Until next time....