The Hats We Wear

Every person has many different roles in life.  I know I have been many different facets of myself in my short lifetime so far, and I will also change and morph into many others.  The underlying self is still the same, but we grow and adapt according to our circumstances and situations.  As I grow, I become more and more aware of all the hats I wear; all the different roles I fulfill in my life.  I have to always remind myself of who I am underneath it all so I don't get lost in my hat. I don't want to become those roles.  I don't want those roles to define the core of who I am as a person.  I must always remain true to my naked self, without all the garments I adorn myself with to deal with my circumstances.  As a woman, I sometimes think I take on so many roles that I can easily get lost in them, and then when I find myself in a position where I no longer have to fulfill those roles, I am left with what?  I don't want the essence of me to get lost, and have to go through a midlife crisis to find myself again.

So, how many hats do I wear?  Let's take some time to strip off our roles and take a personal inventory, so we can dig deep to rediscover who we really are.  The biggest and most all encompassing role in my life right now is that of mother.  I have two beautiful daughters, and for the past 6 years, I have been a mom first and foremost.  When you have children, everything else in life becomes a distant second.  You have to sacrifice your freedom, your time, your energy, your sleep and your body to be a mother, among other things.  These sacrifices are all worth while, but they do take their toll on a person.  When you give and give and give all day long, you find there is little to nothing left of yourself.  When everyone goes to bed in the evening, I tend to drop dead on the couch, unable to lift a finger.  I have to force myself to do things for me, like go to the gym and whatnot.  Time with your spouse or significant other becomes less, and that can be bad for your relationship.  You even have to schedule time to be intimate, which can most definitely take away from the spark and passion.  As a mother, your children's needs come first.  Before you can sleep, they must.  Before you can eat, you need to make sure they are fed.  Before you can buy things for yourself, you must make sure they are provided for.  It's quite the life, to say the least.  Underneath my mom hat, the quintessential Dara sometimes has a hard time resurfacing. 

Another role I play is that of housekeeper.  I am most often the only person in my home who cleans anything, and now that I stay at home, I have found that I am cleaning all day long.  If not cleaning, I'm cooking.  If I'm not cooking, I am grocery shopping.  If I'm not grocery shopping, I'm doing laundry, and well, you get the idea.  This hat is one I wear on top of the mom hat, and sometimes it falls off.  I do not enjoy cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and etc.  I don't enjoy it one little bit.  When I publish my novel and become rich, the first thing I'm doing is hiring a live in maid.  No joke.  So that hat wobbles, and is probably the one that fits me the least.

Well, there are many other roles I play.  One of them is that of wife.  This is one I particularly like, and I think this hat fits me well.  I got married at age 22, and I never regret that I did.  Many people thought I was too young, but to me, it was perfect.  Since I turned 13, I knew that getting married was something I wanted in my life, and I found the perfect man to marry at 19.  We dated two years and were engaged for one.  There are things about being a wife that mesh perfectly with who I am as a person, and it was definitely the right path for me.

Another role I play is that of teacher or child care provider.  I love children, and I always have.  Where I am awkward with adults, I am not with kids.  I do find that I can get absolutely lost in my profession though.  I want to do it all, and I want to be perfect at everything, so I pour all of myself into my job, and that can be a detriment to other things.  I tend to get so emotionally involved in the kids I teach, that when something negative happens, it breaks my heart.  That's my true self bleeding through; empathy to the max.  I have a hard time separating what is work and what is life, and they aren't necessarily mutually exclusive.  When I am not working, I find it difficult to figure out what to do.  I usually make work for myself. 

What I am really trying to highlight here is that the roles we play are extensions of ourselves, and that our core being is underneath all those roles.  We choose different roles based on who we are and what we like, but I really don't want to define myself by those roles only.  I want to stay in touch with the person I am underneath it all, and not get lost in all the details.  I want to look in the mirror and not just see Dara the mom, Dara the wife or Dara the teacher.  I don't just want to see the things I do.  I want to see the person who chose to do these things.  Wearing all our many hats at once is a balancing act, and it's important to pay attention.  What we have to do is make sure we don't define ourselves, and give ourselves value by the roles we play in life.  What needs to define us and give us value is the person underneath it all.  I think I'm pretty good at all the things I do, and I am proud of those things.  I value them immensely.  But what I value most is the bare naked me.  To look inward and see yourself for what truly are is a difficult task, but it is well worth it.

If we take off our hats, what is left?  Is it buried so deeply that it can't be found?  Is it right there on the surface, screaming to get out because what we do isn't meshing with who we are?  Is it happily wearing those hats, and shining through them all the time?  I want my roles to reflect who I am.  I don't want to get lost underneath them.