I have recently been very active on a forum for moms. I find it really nice to be able to help and support other moms and get the same help and support for myself. It is so wonderful to have a community of like minded people behind you to share their experiences and help wherever possible. One thing I find though, is that moms are the harshest critics of other moms.
I have found myself judging other moms on occasion. Then I catch myself and have to say, hey what works for me might not work for them and vice versa. I am not excluded from being a critic, but I have learned that I should keep negative comments to myself. It doesn't do any good to anyone. In my recent experience, I have found that some moms can be downright hurtful toward each other.
One of the forums is for breastfeeding mothers. I find this one to be the most vicious. I have chosen to breastfeed my children, and I have many reasons for doing so. Firstly, it is healthy and natural, and secondly it is free. That is my choice, and I'm glad I have the ability to do it. Other moms do not have the same circumstances. I found one post on this forum that knocks moms who formula feed, and calls them selfish and says they do not know what is best for their babies. That really made me angry! I can understand making a choice to breastfeed or not, but it is not okay to judge and call out people who make different decisions. Another topic I have seen just breaks my heart. There have been at least two moms who have said that other moms in their lives have told them they are "less of a mom" because they had to have c-sections. My reaction was to reassure them that it didn't matter how they gave birth, but that they are mothers in every way possible. How can people say and think things like this? I realize that I am judging them right now, but I am trying to understand.
This whole thing got me thinking about how we as people treat each other, and why we do so. I have been treated very poorly by many people in my life, and I know for a fact that every other person out there has as well. The cycle just continues to perpetuate itself, and we never get any better. Do we not possess the social skills to relate to one another in positive ways? Even if we disagree, there are ways of talking about it so as not to hurt others.
Something I have learned in the past 4 or 5 years is that we often attack others because we want to receive validation. We get defensive because we do not feel validated, and then we go on the offensive. In my marriage for example, my husband and I went through a particularly difficult time a few years back, and through it, we learned how to communicate with one another. One thing we have promised each other is never to attack when we disagree. This way, we actually communicate, instead of fighting. Neither one of us needs to get defensive, because neither one of us is being attacked! It just makes sense, and I must say, it works really well. This is not to say that we do this all the time, but after a few years of being very mindful, it has become almost second nature. Why, if I love someone, would I want to attack them?
Why do people insist on hurting others? I think it's because we want to be validated, and when we don't receive it, we want to lash out and take validation away from others. If we can learn to validate ourselves, then we may be able to overcome this problem. When a breastfeeding mom attacks a formula feeding mom, I think it's because she feels her choice is being attacked, and so in turn attacks other people's choices. In my opinion, it would be better to simply love and support people, and when they make choices that are harmful, then we need to gently bring it up to them and speak to them out of a place of genuine love or care. Let's stop trying to validate ourselves by attacking others, and realize that we are simply doing the best we can, and so is everyone else. Be proud of your accomplishments and good decisions, and don't knock others for theirs. Seek first to understand, and then to be understood. People need to stop pushing their own opinions on others and learn to accept and understand other ways of life.
There isn't one set way to live. Let's remember that. Next time you're feeling defensive, step back and try to understand the reason. If it is because you are being attacked, don't attack back. Point out to the person that they are attacking you, and that you are not willing to have conversations in this way. It is amazing what can be accomplished when we start trying to actually understand one another.
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