Life is full of sacrifice. It's funny isn't it? In order to live, we need to sacrifice. I have been thinking a lot this past week about sacrifice and how much we give up to have the things we want or need. Sometimes sacrifice upsets our balance. Sometimes attaining balance requires sacrifice. In the great order of the universe, you have to give in order to get. That's it. Everyone gives something.
My last post was about the big changes that are occurring in my family in the next nine months. I told you all about how my husband is going back to college to change our lives. I also mentioned how difficult this year is going to be, and if this past week is any indication, it's going to be hard. It will take a lot of sacrifice. My husband has worked nights full time all week, and then when he comes home, he gets ready for school. Four hours of that, and then he comes home to sleep. Basically, we haven't seen him all week.
Maybe I am just having a pity party, but I don't think I have been alone this much since I actually lived alone! After my kids go to bed, it's just me, in my creaky, drafty house. I've barely left the house this week, except to take my daughter to school and go to the store. I haven't gone to the gym in ages. It seems as though my husband isn't the only one sacrificing for this! But we knew this going in. We did. That doesn't mean I can't struggle with it.
And that's what I have been doing this week - struggling. I am finding myself feeling down after the hectic craziness of my work and kids is done for the day. I am feeling like I give and give and give and am not getting anything back. I am feeling out of balance. My eating is out of whack, my jaw is sore from clenching my teeth all day and night, and that cold I thought was gone is creeping its way back into my tired lungs. I eat when I'm not hungry, and I don't eat when I am. Today I actually made myself sick eating too much - something that has happened more than once this week.
I'm really good at putting on a happy face. I'm good at not letting anyone know I am feeling down or upset. I am one of those people who can smile at you sweetly while I berate you in my head. When there are people around or if there is work to be done, I can bury it and trudge along, not letting anyone see what's actually going on inside. The unfortunate thing about this ability is that it is incredibly destructive and it upsets the balance within myself. It eats away at me as it builds and builds, and then I implode. And then I cry. And then I eat.
When my plans to go to the gym yesterday had to be changed, I almost went off the deep end. I smiled, and said it was no problem, but it really was. I was frustrated. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream and run around and throw things. But do you know what I did? You guessed it. I ate. By myself. Then I had to stay up all night with a sick baby, so I swallowed it. There are more important things. I am making sacrifices for the betterment of my family. We all are.
Life is full of circumstances where we must sacrifice something. For me, right now, it is time with my husband, time to go to the gym and time to have adult company. I am optimistic that it won't be like this forever, and that at the end of it all, things will be a million times better for my family than they are right now. But the journey is going to be hard. We are only one week in, and already I feel as though I have sacrificed a lot. I know my husband has too.
What I have to do now is take a step back and try to gain some perspective. I have to pull myself out of my inner cycle of destruction and remind myself why we are doing this. I need to focus on the bigger picture. I need to recognize those emotional triggers that lead to overeating and inner destruction and curb them before they start. I have worked too hard to lose fifty pounds to let this erase it all. I have been through too much in my life to allow something like this to depress me. So, here I am, letting it all out, trying to rid myself of this negativity.
I'm really good at pretending, but I don't want to do it anymore. I want to just be real and deal with it. Yes, I have had a hard week. Yes, I have many, many more of them ahead of me. But honestly, I have dealt with worse. I will live. And I will be happy I did.
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