Stumbling

After Christmas I was feeling pretty proud of myself for not gaining any weight and being able to control my eating.  I am no longer feeling very proud.  Right now I am experiencing a vicious cycle of eating and guilt.  As I mentioned previously, I haven't been able to go to the gym for a while because of scheduling issues with my husband and care for my kids.  I am extremely frustrated that I haven't been able to go because the gym is the one place I can be free of responsibilities and schedules and deadlines.  I can put all my negative energy into my workout, leaving satisfied and feeling good.  I haven't had that outlet for what feels like a lifetime, and I have been eating with very little self control.  I feel terrible.

My guilt is eating me up, and instead of writing a nonsense post about how I am working through my struggles, I'm just going to be honest.  I am eating through my struggles!  My stomach is in revolt, and my guilt is just making it worse.  So, I am going to take my own advice.  I am going to stop feeling guilty and do something about it.  I am writing all of this because if I am not honest with myself nothing can change.  If I pretend I am doing really great, I will just make things worse for myself.  This is not something I want.  I don't want to eat so much that my stomach hurts.  I don't want to fill myself full of junk that my body doesn't need or want.  I don't want to, but I do.  I feel completely out of control.

When I am sitting by myself, after the kids go to bed and I finally have a moment to sit down, I want chocolate.  I want candy.  I want anything that will fill the hole created by the quietness and stillness.  I get a rush when I eat a piece of delicious, beautiful chocolate.  The way it feels on my tongue, the feel of it as it melts in my mouth, the flavors as they wash over my entire consciousness...I just can't resist it right now.  It is like a drug.  I crave it.  I want it.  I fantasize about it.  And when I eat it I feel a sense of elation, and then a big let down, because as soon as I swallow, it's gone.  Then comes the guilt.  Oh, the guilt.  It feels worse than the stomach ache.  Every time I binge on something, I feel as though I have let myself down in a huge way.  I feel like I have betrayed myself and everything I have worked so hard to build in my life.  I feel like I have failed.

But I haven't failed.  The one thing I have going for myself right now is the fact that I am fully conscious of my struggle.  I know which emotions have triggered my backslide, and I realize that there are other ways to deal with them.  I also know that I don't have to go to the gym to work out.  There are plenty of things I can do at home that are just as good as what I can do at the gym.  It's not the same, but it's close enough. 

If I can convey anything through this post, it is this.  Just because I have struggled with my eating and exercise in the past few weeks doesn't mean that I have failed in living a healthy lifestyle.  It just means that I have struggled.  It means that, though I have lost an ounce of my resolve, I am still on the right track, because I can recognize what is going on.  I admit that I have struggled, and that I have had a few bad weeks.  I admit that this is not a lifestyle I want to slip back into, no matter how enticing it might be.  I love myself too much to continue to sabotage my health.  We are worth so much more.

That said, I think I'll stop writing and go do some crunches.