Last time I wrote about the emotional roller coaster I've been on all month. Ever feel up and down all at the same time? Today, I woke up sick, sad, restless, angry, anxious...all those wrapped up into one. I couldn't even stand the smell of the toast I made my kids for breakfast. And now, I have had news that my grandfather may possibly make it through this scare and live a little longer. I went and said goodbye to him last weekend, honestly believing I'd never see him again and now, possibly, he has some more time. Talk about up and down! Every time the phone rings I think it's my dad calling to tell me the grim news, and then I get some positive news. All the while, I'm still feeling incredibly down because of other circumstances in my life, but I'm happy to hear that I may see my grandad again after all. I'm happy for my dad and my uncle and that this can possibly relieve some of their stress. But I just can't shake this cloud that's hanging over me.
It's so important to be truthful about your feelings, and this is something I struggle with all the time. I can't mope around all day, it's just not realistic. But at this moment I just feel the need to be real. We can't keep feelings bottled up inside - it's destructive and hurtful. That's why I haven't been able to eat all week long; why my body feels not right. It's the stress of everything happening all around me, and the fact that I don't feel like I can let it out most of the time. So...here it is. I am ridiculously sad; more sad than I've been in years. And I'm exhausted. I want to just lay in bed and make the whole world go away for a while. I want people to stop wanting things from me. I want to be selfish and forget about everything else, wallowing in my sadness and pain. But, I can't, and obviously I won't. Being a mother, wife, and all other labels assigned to me doesn't permit that kind of thinking or behavior. Thus the sickness and stress. I want to self-destruct, but I know very well that it's not an option. I just don't know how to get out from under this cloud, you know?
My mom always told me to look at the bright side. Maybe that would help. But sometimes I just don't want to. I have so much to be thankful for, I really do. I have a beautiful family, my sister and I are close, I have a husband who fights for me and wants me more than anyone else, I have kids who are incredibly sweet, smart, beautiful, kind, funny, crazy. I have good health, I have good friends, I have a good job. But...I feel like at any moment that could all slip away from me. I feel like some things that are so important to me are just so far out of reach, and I just don't know what to do about it. I don't know if I should fight or let things be. I don't know if I should pray, cry, or what. There's the rational side of me that tells me to shake this feeling, and get on with things...to bury my sadness in work, which is my usual mode of dealing with things. But the emotional side of me just wants to break.
So there it all is, on the page. I always want to be real, no matter what. The great thing about what I'm going through right now is that I know I will get through it. I've been through worse, unfortunately, and I survived. I know I'll survive this and get back to my normal self, eventually. This is life. And it's never been easy, so why one earth would I expect it to start now?
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