I just had one of the hardest weekends I've had in a long time. January is a particularly hard month for me, because it commemorates the loss of my mother, now gone sixteen years on the 20th. This month always makes me think of those I've loved and lost. The list is long, and every person on it was incredibly dear to me, and played an integral part in my life. When I remember my mom in January, each of these others comes back to me as well, and the weight of it all is sometimes utterly crushing. This past weekend I went to say goodbye to my grandad, who, the doctors say, has maybe two weeks left.
I haven't ever been close with my grandad. He isn't the easiest person to know. He actually hasn't been a huge part of my life, but he is my grandfather, and I love him. The past few years I have seen him more often, and have gotten to know him a little differently. We've known for a long time that he is not going to be with us much longer, but now it is close and I am admittedly having a hard time with it.
When I saw him, I didn't know what to say. He was in and out of sleep, and I couldn't really understand a lot of what he said. But I did spend some time alone with him, and I held his hand and I let him see me cry. I told him I loved him, and he said it back. I hugged him. He said I'd see him lots more. I said goodbye.
The hospital he is in is the place I said goodbye to my mom. Talk about bad timing. I can't go there and not instantly see her, in that bed, losing her battle. So yeah, this was a hard weekend. And there were many other things I was dealing with as well - life stuff that I won't go into detail about - that just made everything significantly harder. I absolutely lost it a few times; went to pieces. I allowed myself to fall apart completely, and that's important.
The thing that is hitting home the most right now is that we all die. I know that sounds morbid and negative, but I don't mean it that way. I mean that we are here for such a finite amount of time that we need to spend every moment with that in mind. I am feeling more strongly than ever that my time needs to be spent with the people I love. While I have difficulties with my professional life, right now I am so thankful that I am home all day, every day with my precious children. There is truly nothing better, and I don't want to be anywhere else. How many women can stay at home with their kids and still make good money? I work hard, but I am here, and I am thankful. My sister lives with me. What a huge blessing that is! I get to see her every single day, and there have been times in my life when I wasn't sure that would happen again. Now, I get to see her face and hear her voice all the time, and sometimes I have to pinch myself to believe it's really real. And my husband; we've been together eleven years. He's solid, dependable, and I know he will always be there while he is able. We are all going to die. Every one of us. This is a reality. But we are not dead yet, and we need to get that through our heads.
If not the people I love, what else is this life all about? I am at a loss. When someone you love dies, you remember the time you spent together. You remember those moments that made you love them. You remember them, and hopefully you are thankful for the time you had. I don't want a life that doesn't include every person I love. I am making it a point to purposefully spend time with people. I know it's a bit extreme, but right now nothing else in the world matters to me. I'm not going to pretend that I'm completely okay. I am having a really hard time. But that's not such a bad thing. It's not our circumstances that matter, it's what we do with them.
No comments:
Post a Comment