I know the term is over-used and cliche, but it exactly describes where my head has been in the past few weeks. My last post was about dealing with loss, and that is still something I am actively dealing with a few days later, of course. But I'm also everywhere emotionally. I find that in alone moments, at some points, I feel the crushing weight of everything and I break down in tears. And then I breathe, or distract myself, or push them down and move on with my day. It's all so exhausting. When I'm around people, I'm happy. I maybe even over compensate for my extreme sadness with extreme happiness on the outside. None but those closest to me (or those random people on the internet reading this blog) know what I actually feel like on the inside, and that too is exhausting. The nature of my job doesn't permit me to just break down. I have five kids to take care of, and they can't see me go to pieces in front of them. They have needs that absolutely have to be met, so I can't just curl up into a ball and go to sleep. So, I find that what's on the outside is truly not reflecting what's on the inside...pretty much ever. I am so incredibly good at faking it.
Today I feel a little better than yesterday, and yesterday better than the day before. I think it's because I'm once again getting used to my sadness. It's settling in and becoming more comfortable. It will come and go in waves of intensity, but for the most part it's just lingering there under the surface, and because it's getting more familiar, it's easier to hide. This isn't really a great practice, but life makes it somewhat necessary. I can feel the effect of all this inner turmoil on my body. I haven't felt like eating a whole lot all week, and when I do eat, I generally feel sick. I have been pretty much forcing myself to eat, because obviously I can't starve, but it's been tough. Stress is physically manifested in our bodies, and man do I ever feel it! I'll be happy when this month is over, let me tell you. I want my life to go back to normal.
Life tends to have the worst timing for me. When one thing goes wrong, everything else seems to as well. Maybe it's because things are already hard to deal with, so other things get to you more. Who knows? But honestly, I'm kind of tired of it. However, there's nothing that can be done for it but to just get through it in tact, which I'm entirely confident I will do. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, life continues and we continue. Sadness doesn't have to consume. It does eventually have to be dealt with, it has to be felt, it has to be cried out, but it doesn't have to win. And for me, it won't.
So today my focus is to just get through. Focus on what has to be done, dealt with and felt. Move along. Keep going, one foot in front of the other.
I don't want a roller coaster today.
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