Memoriam

There isn't usually a day that goes by that I don't think of something that reminds me of my mom.  Today marks the sixteenth anniversary of her passing, and it's honestly no easier now than it was then.  The shock of it is gone; the instant you hear the news and can actually hear your heart crack, that is gone, but the pain it leaves behind is still the same.  It is more acute some days than others, but even though the heart heals, the scars will always remain. 

I have now lived more than half my life without a mother.  This is something I know I'm not alone in.  It is a hard cold fact that people die.  Most of the time life seems to be cut short, unfinished.  Rarely do we see someone pass and can say they were done living.  Is anyone ever really done living?  My great grandmother died at the age of 103 a few years ago, and I'm sure she would have said she still had more living to do if given the opportunity.  It seems pretty unfair, that death can take us any time, but most days I look at that as a reminder that I need to live. 

Today I received a message from a dear friend, and she quoted my mother's last words to me.  My mom asked me to take care of her flowers (she had received many during her hospital stay), and my friend told me that I was doing exactly that, with ALL her flowers.  Instant tears, let me tell you.  We leave behind so much when we go from this world, don't we?  My children are my mother's legacy, and her mother before her and her mother before her.  It is the lessons we teach our children and the love we spread on to people that gets passed along, and for my mom, it was boundless.  Her love was huge.  Another friend told me that Catholics believe all people who have passed on to Heaven are looking down on us and praying for us - petitioning on our behalf to God that we might have the best lives we can.  I kind of like that belief.  It is quite comforting. 

The thing about today is that it really makes me remember, oddly enough, not to live my life in mourning.  Because I can, because I have breath, because I wake up each and every day, I have to live, and live in happiness.  Another great friend of mine (wow, I have some amazing people in my life!) has told me a few times that happiness is a choice, and I completely agree.  And overall, I do choose to be happy.  I go through periods of time when sadness can be quite overwhelming, but in the long run, happiness is what I choose.  I haven't come through all I have experienced to be unhappy.  I'm sure everyone else on the planet can agree.  We all have hard times.  We all experience tragedies.  We all go through periods of time when sadness or negative emotions overtake us.  This is the human experience.  The important thing is what we do with those experiences.  I've had my fair share of hard times.  Right now is actually a hard time, but when push comes to shove (I love that phrase, and it's so cliche), I will always choose happiness over my hardship. 

My mom would be very proud of what she left behind.  She would see the strength her daughters have, and know she had a hand in that.  She would look at my sister, her baby, and know that even though she only had her for six years, she shaped this woman in the most significant ways.  I see my mom in my sister every day, and it is the most beautiful and encouraging thing.  My mom was a fiery, passionate, loving, strong, crazy woman, and I am thankful for my fourteen years with her.  I am thankful for what she taught me, how she lived despite her difficult circumstances, and for the fact that I never once in my life doubted that she loved me.