I weighed myself this morning, and I'm sorry to report that I haven't lost anything this week. But we knew this was going to happen, didn't we? I was fully prepared to step on the scale and not see what I was going for. That is what eating a ton of junk will do for you! The funny thing is, the chips and all that is stuff I don't usually eat at all. In fact, I don't generally have that stuff in the house, ever! So, it's kind of funny that I pigged out on food I don't frequently eat the first week of my weight loss challenge.
What I have to ask myself now is, am I sabotaging myself? Am I really driven to lose this last ten? In theory, yes, I want it gone. Yes, I want to be in the recommended weight range for my height. Yes, I want to be healthy. But I already feel great in my own skin, so I am finding it difficult to tell myself that this weight really matters. It's kind of like I'm at war with myself. I'm in better shape now than I was in high school, and I am smaller than I was when I got married. I am happy with what I see in the mirror at any given moment, whether it's a jeans and t-shirt kind of day or a heels and skirt kind of day. So, am I sabotaging myself from reaching a goal my mind thinks I should attain? Or is it something else? Am I slipping back into "fat Dara" behaviors? I have to wonder if I truly think I am worthy of being the "skinny" girl.
I don't view myself as skinny right now. I weigh 158 pounds, and I am 5'6 1/2" tall. In theory, I should weigh a maximum of 149, and truthfully I haven't weighed that little since I was a kid. Probably junior high. I spent most of high school hovering around 165, and I didn't have trouble getting a date, so now, at 158 and actually being in good shape, I feel as though I have accomplished something. But I'm still not skinny. In my mind, a skinny me doesn't really exist. Is that something that needs to change? Do I want to be "skinny"? Or do I want healthy? Because the two don't necessarily co-exist. I think maybe I don't feel worthy of being both. Which is stupid, because I know I am.
So, back on the train. I need to really work on my eating habits, and get myself under control. My plan for this week is to not have junk food in the house, so I don't have to worry about overindulging. This is the usual course of action, and it works for me. I am hoping for a better week, with more activity and less bad eating. I still have to figure out some way to get in my cardio while not hurting my knee. Walking is not enough for me, but even that makes the knee throb, so I don't know what to do. Suggestions anyone? My predicament is that I can't go anywhere besides my house and outside in my neighborhood until the weekend and I have very little time.
Here's hoping everyone else is doing a little better than me! Have a good week everyone!
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